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I'm 3 years out from DDay.

I went through denial, bargaining (big time), anger (big time), sadness

Now I feel nothing.

It's like the ability to feel anything at all is gone. I don't really think about the A because it feels like a distant memory that happened to someone else. I don't want to do "work" because I have no energy and see no point.

I lost interest in anything and everything. Sex. Food. Dancing. Travel. I can't picture the future anymore. Nothing feels exciting. It's neither good or bad, it's just a complete absence of anything.

It's been a few months now like this. Just plodding through the days. I've not talked to anyone about it. I've detached and estranged myself really.

I work all day. I eat enough to survive. I doom scroll Twitter or play an inane phone game. I don't want to go anywhere, or talk to anybody.

I just exist.

I don't want to see a doctor or talk to a counsellor. I'm not really in any pain. Thinking about all the awful things that happened, I don't feel anything. It's like it's behind frosted glass. I'm detached from it.

Is this familiar to anyone?

I don't really want advice, because I've got no impetus to take it. I guess I just want to know if other people experienced this.

Mainly because I'm wondering if this is just me now or if it's part of it and I might be different again one day. I feel a bit like things happened that hurt me too much and so I just disappeared.

What you’re describing sounds a lot like clinical depression — and I’m no doctor — but that’s what it was called when I went through it.

So, lethal planes of flatness on steroids.

Weirdly, I played Pink Floyd’s Comfortably Numb quite a bit when I was that…numb.

I experienced most of what you’re describing. I did see a counselor. I chose not to take any medication.

I did focus on things that I enjoyed, time with good humans — as in force myself to get back into the world a bit.

I say that now, realizing it took me a solid six months before I did anything about it. I did the existing thing for a while.

No advice really, just how I found my way through.

I’ve thought a lot about you in your absence from here. I’m pretty heart broken to hear that update. There is still beauty to this life, joy to be felt. I was deeply depressed when I was younger. It’s awful, and I have feared falling back into it from this trauma. I know you aren’t asking for advice, but please do take care of yourself. You don’t know me, but I sit here and I care.

Thank you x

So you think it's depression then. I thought that was more being in pain all the time. I'm not in pain really. There's just nothing where I once was.

I don't think I really want to get better or do anything to try to. Nothing is better than sad, scared, angry.

I can't really remember there being a point in anything.

Definitely sounds like depression, and I will say that to feel nothing, is pain. I have definitely been in the numb era, you should consider taking with your with your doctor. And as old wounds recommended, find things you love. Try and get in touch with gratitude if the good things in your life - because you can’t just numb bad feelings, it numbs all the good feelings too. So try and do what feels good and you will find yourself coming back.

[This message edited by hikingout at 1:19 AM, Monday, February 5th]

I can't picture the future anymore. Nothing feels exciting.

It’s true that my depression had a lot of pain and anxiety associated with it, but these statements remind me so much of it. And because you are experiencing this void, I know you aren’t motivated. But maybe you can just find the motivation from a community that you are a part of and that cares about you and take a few suggestions. Like doing a few things you love. Like going to see a doctor. It’s not fair what happens to us, but we have to heal ourselves. I hope you will take another step in faith.

Agree with all prior posters. Infidelity does a number on us, the stress can cause substantial harm over time. Definitely go see your doctor. It may just be burnout from the stress, but hard to tell from depression.

MCC, I just keep thinking about this. I want to remind you that when you were posting, just three months ago, you were prolific and an absolute firecracker. Yes, you were full of pain, but you were full of life and wit and insight. I loved reading what you had to say. Your mind can play tricks and when you are down you can feel like you have always felt that way and always will. But you were not like this in October, this is new, and it sure as hell doesn’t have to be permenant. Praying and hoping for you.

Hey MCC, I'm sorry you are in this place. I've been in a similar situation and it sounds like you should see someone. If you are reluctant to get help, then at least start exercising. I found regular, intense exercise balanced my hormones and gave me a shot of happy that lasted well after the workout.

I also forced myself to get out and do things like walking, taking myself out to coffee, art galleries, bands, etc. It helped me live again.

It also helped reconnect with myself. I am back to being alone after trying the relationship thing (recent breakup) and I know things will be okay, now that I'm good with just me. Basically, I'm at peace. I hope you can get to a beter place.

MCC,

Yep, been there. Your brain, body, emotions have just had it, so you retreat. And there is no pain-what a fucking relief. You could stay here forever-it doesn’t feel good, but it doesn’t feel bad because it doesn’t feel. You are detached from most things-spouse, work. (For me, the kids were the only part that still felt anything).

I stayed here for years. I was lonely, so I ate to fill the void. Food did not give me joy. , I would go to the gym sometimes, do a little exercise, (very little), then get in the hot tub and shower, go home. I wanted to look muscular, but it seemed like a lot of work, really overwhelming. I got fatter, I knew I should do something about it, but it was going to be work, so just going on was easier.

Finally, a crisis happened. Health crisis (I kinda hoped I would die) followed by emotional crisis. Everything that had been pushed down exploded out of me at once. I cried a lot, I felt joy again, I felt sadness, happiness-basically became human again. I did it with council and exercise-no drugs. This was about 9 months ago.

Still finding my way back.

Hope your stay in this state is shorter than mine. The real world, with its highs and lows, is so much better.

((hugs))

Double post

[This message edited by goingtomakeit at 2:56 PM, Monday, February 5th]

Agree that this sounds like depression.

You have a couple of routes out of it…
You say you don’t want to see a doctor or counselor – although I would strongly recommend you do.
But you might want to decide if you want to remain depressed or if you want to do something about it…

My first suggestion – and since you don’t want advice then just imagine I’m talking to myself…- would be to start taking long walks at the time you say you are scrolling Twitter, and omit social network for a couple of hours. I would spend time outside in fresh air and daylight. I would create a task-list so the home is clean. I would make sure I’m eating at least one home-made and healthy meal.

I wanted to chime in and suggest you see someone. I understand many of the reasons you may not. I did my own healing for years 2-5 and clearly did not get there. My timeline is convoluted, and I may be over 5 years from DDay, but only a few years from learning the bulk of the truth so I give myself a pass on how many years it's been. But, I went through a phase like you are now, about year four, where nothing felt like it mattered and I was just feeling so flat and dead inside. I kept thinking that this is all there is, gray with nothing to look forward to and nothing that mattered beyond my kids. I honestly didn't mind, because I was just so tired of all the feelings and no resolution. But. Last year the dam broke and I started crying for hours a day, unstoppable, and infuriating. I started feeling nothing but sorrow, regret and grief and it drove me back into therapy. I think the flat plains were a road to nowhere for me, and the uncontrolled sorrow pity party was my emotions playing catch up, because all that stuff was in there, it was just in a dark corner. I think your current state may or may not be depression, but it is certainly a sign that you need to take action to heal yourself more. You are still in there, your spark and all that makes you special, and you will rise again when you are ready. Just don't let yourself get stuck in there too long. The brain loves to get stuck, and you may need help getting it unstuck.

I'm not sure what is helping me more - the therapy itself, or deciding it was time and I was worth the time and energy to heal. I honestly didn't want to do any more work on me or our M, I was tired of trying. I give a lot of credit to EMDR and a smart therapist to stop me from feeling too much, the pendulum swings in this new version of my life. I'm trying to find a place of balance that works for me, and a place in life where I want to be that I have the skills to enjoy. I hope you do too, and find a helping hand out like I did. Please don't settle for all that nothing, you are worth so much more. More is one of my mantras for the future. I want more for myself, I am worth more, and I will start giving myself more so that I can be more present for my life and for those I love and want in my life. I still feel vulnerable and growing, but at least I am feeling something besides nothing or sad and mad. When I was in the dead zone, only music or moments in nature broke through. Maybe the right sunset or a perfect sunrise can help you feel something, even if it is just hope for a good day. I can get a lot of mileage out of a good sunrise.

My first session, I asked my IC to help armor me up for the future, so I stopped hurting and worrying about being hurt again, and she said, no, my goal for you is for you to not need armor as you go forth in your life. I think about that a lot, all the ways we armor up, either through feeling nothing or everything all at once, or how we compartmentalize or rationalize to get through the day.

I get it, MCC. About 3 years ago, I got sick (with covid) and never got better. A little over a year ago was dday1. Last September was dday4. I got so damn tired of crying and raging and everything else that I just detached. No feelings toward the relationship. Little motivation for work beyond doing the necessary (and I work in a creative field, so this is very hard). Most days, I barely care that I'm alive except that my 14yo sometimes needs me, and that keeps me anchored to this Earth.

But at the same time, I am making travel plans. I am talking to my agent about next projects. I'm putting one foot in front of the other because the way I see, why not? As long as I'm alive, I might as well act like I'm alive. Note that I haven't really mentioned my WS in any of this. He has become mostly irrelevant to my happiness. We're still together, but it's for practical reasons on my end, and I'm detached from the relationship. I don't care about romance anymore. The highs are not worth the lows.

That said, there are gentle ways that I can still find happiness on my own. And there are days when, at age 50, I know that I can also be done with everything. My therapist calls it fatalism, and I suppose so. I'm looking to be at peace, not just numb. It's a work in progress.

I know everyone says it's not good to avoid the highs in order to avoid the lows, but really, what's so bad about being chill? Do I still have deep pain? Yes, daily. But every day, I also put some of it in a balloon and let it float away. I try to imagine I am monk. Life is what it is. We each get to decide how we choose to live it, and as long as we aren't hurting others, who can judge what's the best for us?

Thank you everybody for the replies. Yes, I know a few months ago I was a fire of emotions and energy but this really sums it up....

Yep, been there. Your brain, body, emotions have just had it, so you retreat. And there is no pain-what a fucking relief. You could stay here forever-it doesn’t feel good, but it doesn’t feel bad because it doesn’t feel. You are detached from most things-spouse, work. (For me, the kids were the only part that still felt anything).

I feel exactly like that.

I really don't want to do anything to change it.

Right now, nothing hurts and that's a relief.

I feel like the A ruined my life. Not just the way it changed me inside, but it made me lose my business that I loved, it made my financial picture change, it made me retreat completely from friends and family, it made my health poor, it made various dreams and goals I had disappear. The damage feels so catastrophic. I don't feel sad about that, I am just tired now.

I can work now, consistently and feed myself and shower when I am meant to and do the laundry. The days where I was curled up crying and couldn't do those things are gone. That is a relief.

I feel better on my own right now.

I think it's time for a new dream.

You're probably gun-shy about planning and hoping and looking forward to anything, but what's going on with you now is no way to live long term. Maybe you allow yourself to remain stagnant for a little longer, but I think you should set a goal or make a plan for the near future for a little weekend away at the beach, or a day of exploration - whatever you think might light a spark. I think the remedy is something that speaks to your soul. And probably a little counseling.

I feel like the A ruined my life. Not just the way it changed me inside, but it made me lose my business that I loved, it made my financial picture change, it made me retreat completely from friends and family, it made my health poor, it made various dreams and goals I had disappear. The damage feels so catastrophic. I don't feel sad about that, I am just tired now.

If I’m being too much, just let me know and I’ll back off. I hear you about all this. I think this is a big part of my fear of divorce, that it will represent the irretrievable death of my vision of how my life was going to go. Time with kids and grandchildren, my financial plans, I’ll lose two people who have been parents to me and I had plans to care for in their end of life. It is catastrophic to the Nth degree. And if you need a rest right now, then take your rest. But also keep a vision that your life is more than money, and more than a job, and more than relationships. New dreams and fresh plans will arise naturally out of that vivid soul of yours. And I can only believe that they will be beautiful.

A song came on my workout Pandora station this morning that made me think of you.

Ruin my life - Simple Plan

I used to lie awake and let you occupy my mind
I used to put you first and always leave myself behind, and
I'll admit you got real close, but
I'll be sleeping fine tonight
Sorry, I don't mean to disappoint you
You didn't ruin my life

I doom scroll Twitter or play an inane phone game. I don't want to go anywhere, or talk to anybody.

There is so much evidence that all of these these promulgate depression. You didn’t want advice but I feel compelled to at least encourage you away from your screens. You say the A ‘made’ you give up this, retreat to that etc….I say it can’t have ‘made’ you do anything, your response to it was always your choice. It is the last choice we have according to
Victor Frankl. Now you can choose to
go on doom scrolling or you can choose to take a ten minute walk instead. Or allow yourself ten minutes scrolling only or whatever. If this is the plain of lethal flatness, then it may take some trudging across but raise your eyes from the screen and keep them on the promise of tomorrow on the horizon or the hazy distant
mountains. Exercise can always get some good feel endorphins going so have a ten minute dance instead of scrolling. You were previously
very bright, lively and engaged as someone else has said and you will get there again. If you continue to feel so low, it may be advisable to speak to your doctor, but do try the exercise, reconnecting with people, music, interesting activities routes first as they are proven antidotes to depression and they may well break the spell of the plain. Even just using the smile muscles gives a boost to various mood systems, neurologically and physiologically.

Hoping you are ok? Can you post some more?