SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I've tried multiple times to post this but kept deleting it. I try to hard to explain a situation that's just took big.

So, I'm trying a something different. Short and sweet.

Past:

fWW had an emotional affair about 15 years ago. We never worked it out in any meaningful way, just rug swept. Then a year later, another A, but this time everything pointed to a physical incident with someone on out inner circle. Despite the obviousness of it, she never admitted it. We did some half-hearted work but she was not the introspective type. I stayed for the kids.

About 3 years ago, things weren't very good. Dead bedroom, partly due to her health issues. Partly because we have lost real intimacy. I decided I'd stay until our college age kids were settled, them I'm out. I'll take the financial devastation and maybe find a real life.

About 2 years ago, Stage 4 Cancer. Hell on earth. I became her primary care giver. To do that, I became an emotion robot. Not ready to talk about that.

Present:

It’s been about 6 months since she pasted. Kids are OK and they are my focus. We had life insurance which made my financial situation OK. I'm starting to come out of the robotic state, and I realized I have to build a new life. Maybe even a new me. And I need help.

[This message edited by Twitchy at 3:28 PM, Tuesday, February 6th]

Hey Twitchy, wow. That’s a lot. I completely understand the emotional robot part. I’m sorry you had to do that, but it was necessary for survival. I’m glad you are financially, OK, and that your fww’s suffering is over.

It’s all about you now. There is no right and there is no wrong. Take it a minute by minute hour by hour day by day. You are going to be OK. Welcome to the rest of your life. ((Twitchy))

I'm starting to look forward to building a new life. Right now, I need to focus of my kids and getting them launched. But I can see a hazy horizon that includes dating.

I'm in my late 50s and haven't dated in over 20 years. And I wasn't very good at it back then.

I'm so sorry for all you've been through. Best wishes to you and your children for healing and brighter days ahead.

Hey Twitchy, I'm sorry you find yourself in this sutuation. I'm certain there are many contradictory emotions circling in your mind. It does not sound like your WW gave you what you needed to heal while shecwas alive and you are going to need to process that now. There is a chapter on forgiving the dead in the book How Can I Forgive You. It might help you understand what you are feeling and aliviate any guilt you might have. Not saying you should feel guilt, but sometimes we do if we are not feeling, thinking or acting in ways we assume we ought to.

You gave up a lot for the sake of the kids, now it's time to take your life back. Don't rush it. Take time to heal. Take time to peel back the layers covering the man you once were. He is still there, waiting to be rediscovered. You might find that you enjoy the process and the reward. Hit the gym,try new things, buy new clothes (take a fashionable female friend with you for advice), reinvent yourself. You have opportunity standing in front of you.

Oh wow. Sorry for your loss! Sending prayers your way!!

So sorry for what you went through. And for your children’s loss.

" in my late 50s and haven't dated in over 20 years. And I wasn't very good at it back then. "

I was a discarded bw. The truth was that ex WH of almost 4 decades set such a low bar in terms of being a decent much less good partner that I am still adjusting to what life with a good partner feels like. I worked really hard on myself. I am not perfect but my current partner is good with my kind of broken. I focused on my feminine polarity (not everyone’s thing, but it is in alignment with who I am), value alignment and shared life vision.
I think you will be surprised the quality of potential partners that would be interested in a man like you—someone with character and decency.
I applaud you for taking care of your children and now it is hopefully time for you.

My current partner is a BS as well. I tell them that if anything ever happens with me that they need to be very careful. Things like going very slowly with eyes wide open…to guard sharing their financial status and heart until they really get to know someone which I think can take upwards of a year.

I wish your family peace and healing.

I'm struggling the most with the lack of sadness at her passing. I was sad, don't get me wrong, but I wasn't as broken up as I thought would be. Or should have been.

All the rug sweeping and not dealing with or reparing our marriage left the wounds festering. I came to resent our relationship. We should have had something better. But we ended up with a carbon copy of what her parents had. Two people living adjacent to each other. Then the cancer hit and I became stuck in horrible, devistating role for 2+ years.

But she was going through something far worse. I ant even begin to understand her pain and fear. So where is my sadness and compassion for the woman I still loved.

I’m so sorry you are having to deal with all of these emotions. I totally understand the inner turmoil you have. I joined SI back in 2004 when my H had his first affair. Then fast forward to now. He had more affairs starting in 2020. Then died unexpectedly in 2021. There is so much to have to process. I can’t even begin to explain it to someone. You were a strong man for taking care of her. No matter what she did deserve to be taken care of in her last days/years. My H was brain dead and I was by his side until they declared him legally dead. Just so so sad. My heart goes out to you

I imagine you will be feeling all the things for quite a while. Different sadnesses will come later- for now you are feeling however you feel. You may still be in a bit of shock.

It’s admirable you still took care of her- shows how big your heart is.

And remember that grief comes in a thousand different forms. As long as you are allowing yourself to feel, you’ll be okay. I didn’t cry for a long time after my mom died. Then one day, many many months later, the tears came.

I am so sorry you went through all that but I am glad you and your kids made it to the other side. Just keep moving forward. If you feel stuck, try a grief group or a few months of IC to help you get unstuck.

Putting all that aside, how do you know when your ready to date again?

I don't think I am, but I'm really tired of being lonely.
I don't want to stress on my DDs by giving them the impression I'm replacing their mom, but my life's been without intimacy for a long time. Even the shallow, meaningless kind.

First sorry you have had to go through all of this. I honestly would have felt the same as you had it happened to my xWS.

how do you know when your ready to date again?

I took 2 years off to find myself and rebalance myself after I left xWS and I'm glad that I did. I knew I was ready to start dating again when I became curious about it and started finding myself being attracted to others again. I started dating for the fun of it nothing serious and I wasn't looking for a relationship just wanted to enjoy myself. Then I met my current partner and knew I wanted to be with him.

Sorry to hear. All my besr.

I keep rereading my post and I don't intend for it to seem harsh,but only pragmatic. I respectfully disagree that your WW deserved to be taken care of just because she got sick, but I understand the empathy behind that sentiment. When decent people see suffering, they act. You gave her that gift because you are a decent human being. Her illness does not absolve her. She was still responsible for her actions. In fact, I'm surprised that she did not take the two years during her illness to repair and restore her relationship with you, unless I'm missing something. If it were me, I'd be inclined to fix things I broke before meeting my maker. It would crush me to know I had hurt those I've left behind.

It's okay to not be sad. I was abused by my mother and when she died in a sad and horrible way, I grieved. Not for her, but for what I never had, nor could ever have, a loving and caring mother. I was also sad for her, that she was so full of hurt and anger and resentment that she missed an opportunity to love and be loved. But I didn't grieve her. I know it sounds contradictory and complicated, but it's how I feel, and if you haven't been abused by a parent you desperately wanted to be there for you, you won't get it.

Edit to add: it is also natural to gave some anger directed towards her as she did not take a final opportunity to resolve things with you. It is a lost opportunity. Do t feel guilty for your feelings. Just have them and work through them.

Take your time to get yourself sorted before you date. You've lacked intimacy for a very long time in your M and it is good that you try to find it again. But don't rush. Have clear head and avoid shopping when you are hungry, as you might make poor choices. And remember, intimacy comes in many forms. You might start out with a plus-one, a platonic friend to just do stuff with.

[This message edited by Justsomeguy at 5:47 PM, Saturday, February 24th]

OMG! Out of curiosity I made an account at Adult Friends Finder. I figured it be low key, NSA dating.

It was disgusting. It's like sex addicts gone wild.

So where is my sadness and compassion for the woman I still loved.

Gently, don’t beat yourself up about what you feel or don’t feel. There is no right or wrong answers. There are lots of stages to grief and we don’t process it linearly.

Plus, I know a little about being an emotional robot. When your mode of operation is numbing, it’s hard to come out of that. And we can’t just numb the bad stuff, we numb the good stuff too.

Be patient and give yourself some time.

OMG! Out of curiosity I made an account at Adult Friends Finder. I figured it be low key, NSA dating.

It was disgusting. It's like sex addicts gone wild.

AFF - yeah - super gross. My WH made an account there before settling on married to one of his best friends/co-worker's wife (who also worked with them). Honestly I would have preferred he went for AFF just so he didn't make a complete disaster or our social scene in the process of destroying his own life but I digress...

You will find many many online dating horror stories on here and some good results too. I for one, would not use online dating sites as my first foray into the dating world. Maybe pick up a new hobby/get involved in something that interests you outside the home - so you can give yourself some time to so something you like and maybe meet those with like interests. I too was very lonely for a long time (hence my username) but I found that it wasn't a romantic partner I was looking for - it was human companionship that was just easy and nice for me without considering what WH might like or want. That may be you too.

I would caution you on dating online. Yes, there are some success stories, but like Vegas, the jackpots come at a cost.

I have tried it on and off, with little success. I think it is just too artificial. My advice: live your best life, go out and do things, sign up for stuff and then do it. You will be the best version of yourself and that's attractive. If you don't meet anyone, then you are still the best version of yourself.

Yo! Just checking in to see how you're doing?

Not to bad. Staying clear of OLD. I'm definitely not ready for that.

Which bring up another issue that crossed my mind. I'm feeling a little reluctant to start up something with someone.
Thinking about it, I need someone emotionally, but that poor girl is going to get one hell of an emotion dumping on. (not all at once though).

I know I'm really over thinking this, but I'd hate to do that to someone. So that make me less likely to open up. Resulting in a vicious circle in one direction, or the other. Either I'm an emotional mess who pushes people away, or I'm a robot who can't connect.

Add to that, its not likely the first person I connect with will be the one I end up with. My WW was my first love. I'd like to date a while. Problem is I don't do hook-ups. I need connection. Which in my case now comes with a tonne of baggage.

Does this even make sense?