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I really want to title this "Fuck you Valentines Day"

I was brought up in the late 60s and early 70s, so everyone got a valentine from everyone else in the class in elementary school. Even if you did not like them, and were not friends. We never wrote anything nasty on the cards. So fake-and that is how it starts.

In high school, I was a nerd, so I did not ever get anything and the football hero’s got their lockers decorated by the cheerleaders.

Married, I got the greatest VD cards for the first 7 years. Then a so so year 8 (beginning of EA). Then bombshell year 9 (my DDay is the day after the Super Bowl, thus it’s floating, not a fixed point in time on triggers. I got the "I hope OM doesn’t think I betrayed him" on Feb 13, 1999. In 1999 DDay and Feb 13 were two weeks apart, today, 2 days apart).

I am just too old to put up with bullshit any longer. I fucking hate VD. I hate Cupid-I hope his little ass gets frostbite. I hate the fucking cards promising undying love (every member of the club knows how that worked out).

I am not really bitter about most things in my life, but VD-yes I am bitter.

I also know how VD will go. I don’t get her cards anymore-I just can’t get the energy up to go to the store. We are going out of town, we will find a restaurant-overpriced as it’s VD. We will have sex (the bright spot of the day). And I am going to be left feeling empty-like every VD.

Ps-we are just over a year in R. I’m struggling, and not sure we are going to make it. This is compounding an already shitty time of year.

You can choose to opt out, especially since it coincides with DDay. Tell her celebrating is a trigger and it feels shitty and you don't want any part of it. If she's sad about that, oh well. She tainted it.

What work has your W done? What consequences has she experienced?

Agree with sacred soul. Opt out.

Celebrating Valentine’s Day is not a benchmark of a healthy marriage. We have never celebrated it ourselves. I think just be transparent with her about what you have written here and then just write it off.

Lots of folks here no longer celebrate lots of things including wedding anniversaries. Maybe you can agree as a couple that it’s about the everyday, daily life that makes love grow. I like that way better than Valentine’s Day.

I will join your refrain: Fuck Valentine’s Day!

[This message edited by hikingout at 7:22 PM, Monday, February 12th]

Last year I mooched about a shop looking at cards. Laughed at several of them and left. I didn’t buy one and I didn’t buy a gift either. It felt distasteful, fake and farcical.

Prior to d day I bought/made cards and gifts. I didn’t go crazy but I chose and made some pretty nice things over the years. Not every year. But in the main. They tended to be personal gifts rather than generic things (so a book by an favourite author rather than a box of chocolates. A record rather than a cuddly toy. A homemade meal rather than dinner out). Apparently he thought I didn’t really love him then. I guess I wasn’t demonstrative enough and I didn’t blow smoke up his arse or shower him with words of adoration and heart emojis. Silly me.

Now I don’t love him like I once did and I won’t bother with VD at all.

We do get on well still and are in R. But the loss may be too great for me. I’m good at forgiveness. I’m really crap with loss. Very sad for him. I’m just not into fakeness and cliche. I’d prefer to buy a book by a favourite author and draw a nice card rather than text secret ego kibbles from the bathroom and blow smoke up a married man’s cheating cliched arse. Maybe I just don’t understand True Love.

After writing this I have an idea. Do you know what? I might get myself a gift. A treat to myself to say ‘I love you’. Maybe someone would like to join me in this new ritual?

I say this as someone doing well in R. I have the same anxiety about VDay, thankfully it’s not associated with Dday. I will never buy a pre produced card they make me cringe. I will usually write about how we made great kids, and celebrate our successes in life working as a team.

What I will never say again is "soul mates", "one and only", "forever love". That was taken and discarded.

What I will never say again is "soul mates", "one and only", "forever love". That was taken and discarded.

Excuse the t/j

I don’t really believe in soul mates, it’s as much of an over sold concept as Valentine’s Day. To think we are only compatible with one person perfect for us is a myth in my eyes. It breeds codependency to make something work because it was divinely ordained and your one shot at happiness. I just don’t buy it. If my h cheats again, I will maybe later, much later fall in love with someone who would be a different fit but as good of one in his own right. (Not wishing for that but this gives me peace)

However, and maybe it’s not my place to say this, but in time I hope you do return to thinking of her as your forever love. After all I don’t think you ever stopped loving her and sometimes the shit you get through is proof that they are your forever love.

And don’t get it twisted, I don’t hope that for her but for you. I can understand those sentiments were taken from you , but I hate to see YOU be denied that forever. I think the best part of love is what we give and you never stopped giving that and probably never will. That’s yours and belongs to you, even if you don’t say it in some stupid card. And even if you never choose to say it to her again.

Totally understand the rose colored glasses come off, but I think vulnerability with one another still has a shot at growing back to some degree.

Just a thought and not to be resolved today.

End T/J

However, and maybe it’s not my place to say this, but in time I hope you do return to thinking of her as your forever love.

Thanks HO, she has always been my forever love. She shared ILY’s with many other men, it’s not special or exclusive for her. That was taken from me.

This is just some of the things that cannot be un-done after infidelity.

I understand, I really do. For me, I refuse to acknowledge any narrative as permanent, reframing is a big part of what we do in R. We all cope differently though, I just read that as you punishing yourself by not allowing the possibility that you will have all the important things to you in a relationship. So, I will leave it with I wish you peace and happiness and that was my intention in posting a response.

Sorry again for the thread Jack.

Back to fuck Valentine’s Day! It’s healthy to let holidays become regular days. Everything after dday should be done because you authentically want to.

Fuck Valentines Day, all the way. I disliked it as a Hallmark holiday even before D-day. It’s utterly comical for me to think about celebrating it now. What a piece of shit, made to sell cards, candy, and lingerie, waste of red ink holiday.

That was fun, let’s do this again next year

Okay---but what about all the clearance cost candy after VD???

Okay---but what about all the clearance cost candy after VD???

Okay---but what about all the clearance cost candy after VD???

Hell yea, I will be at Walgreens buying candy for a dollar.

I understand, I really do. For me, I refuse to acknowledge any narrative as permanent, reframing is a big part of what we do in R. We all cope differently though, I just read that as you punishing yourself by not allowing the possibility that you will have all the important things to you in a relationship.

Thank you, I appreciate being challenged on it. Me and my Cuz W2BHA would debate this attitude of mine often. As well as things are going in R, some things are gone and can never be restored. I can learn to live without them, "the new deal" as it’s called. The thought that we were soulmates, meant to be, one and only love, I see reality, those things might exist for some but not for us.

Not to mention how I’ve always hated VDay anyway. My W knows full well how I feel about it, and I will give her many props, and much credit, but none of the things listed above.

I totally understand being over VD. Honestly, I was never all that interested in it and didn't do much for VD even while married (my D was finalized within the last month, by my initiation directly because of my XH's A) as I felt it was a bit silly to arbitrarily pick that one day to celebrate the relationship. That said, I did always enjoy the feeling of having someone, maybe getting flowers from my former husband and a nice card, sex that night, maybe a massage. Now VD feels like a holiday meant to rub in my face that I don't have a SO.

After writing this I have an idea. Do you know what? I might get myself a gift. A treat to myself to say ‘I love you’. Maybe someone would like to join me in this new ritual?

Abcd89:
I love your idea, and I actually did something small to embrace this idea today. I have two young daughters so I bought a bouquet of flowers for VD for them and for me. Because, WHY NOT? Why do I need someone else to prioritize me? I can give myself a gift. I loved myself enough (in my case) to leave the man that didn't care enough about me to honor his vows and treat me with respect or put in any work after he betrayed his vows to make it worth my while to stay. So I chose to honor and love myself. It's more symbolic than anything, especially since I've never really cared about flowers. I'm very "practical" so I would have thought in the past, what a waste of money...but that's exactly why I bought them. The fact that they aren't necessary is why they're special.

(Caveat that I'm not trying to judge anyone else's decision to R following I. I'm just sharing how I felt about my particular situation.)

I think it’s to each their own with holidays etc

I absolutely get the whole jaded about the made up holiday thing. I can empathize with the feeling that romance is ruined. I support people agreeing to boycott the holiday.

Me I am going to run with it and enjoy the day to the fullest!

"---but what about all the clearance cost candy after VD???"

That works for me. As does a fancy cooked in dinner this year, high quality chocolate whenever I want it not just this day—the pantry stays stocked—a nice bottle of wine already picked out and sitting in the rack.

Infidelity stole and destroyed so much that I am absolutely planning to live each remaining day to the max including some made up day for lovers!

Landslide
"So I chose to honor and love myself. It's more symbolic than anything, especially since I've never really cared about flowers. I'm very "practical" so I would have thought in the past, what a waste of money...but that's exactly why I bought them. The fact that they aren't necessary is why they're special."

Good for you. I was always the practical one and quite frankly that ship has sailed. I hope you enjoy your flowers!

Hey there brother, as a fellow who learned of my wife's EA and PA details in a Saturday night confession, the night before the previous Chiefs/49ers Super Bowl that was here in Miami, the Super Bowl every year sort of comes with a different set of feelings and emotions. I've been watching the Super Bowl in its entirety since I was a kid, with the first one I remember being the Bills/Cowboys the first time in Jan 1993...I can remember entire games but that 2020 game between the same two teams we just watched is always like a memory hole that I cannot recall. I was fresh of the most earth-shattering and devastating news any of us could ever have here and I spent a good portion of the game just numb and unsure of the next day, let alone the next 4 years.

I understand the pain you are dealing with and all the different ways that your wife ruined things you enjoyed like the Super Bowl and Valentine's Day.

Gr8ful

FWW is not putting in the work. She does not want to "rehash" all that. No IC. No talking with me. "Lets just be happy from here."

Her consequences is she has me as her husband now. She had a guy who loved her 100% pre DDay. She had her total freedom pre Dday. What she got after Dday was a guy who stopped caring about her for the most part. She had to send me proof any out of town was either with business or I called each friend if it was out of town with friends (and I had to trust the friend). I could join the trip at a moment’s notice if I chose.

We did MC for a year (huge mistake), then I told her I was staying purely for the children. I did not love her, (that did not purely stick). Her Mom and best friend were told-both were hurt and shocked.

Today, I do love her, but not like I did. My sons are my #1, and my best friends. My sister comes next. Probably me next, then her. What a big fall for her.

I know hiking out does not believe in soulmate, but I do. I lost mine. And even though it was 25 years ago, I still miss the way she was, and the love we shared. The A broke something inside of me, and it broke her too. (Or the rose glasses broke).

She will not discuss A. I understand why, she has perfectionist syndrome, and that A is a major fuck up. I am discussing with IC. I am willing to try for one more year, but it feels kinda hopeless right now. D may be the end result.

She only had one A that I know of. If there were more, it’s a deal killer. She had so much rejection from me, family and friends I think she learned her lesson. I could always be wrong, though. She also got dumped by OM (always tell OBS-they are great allies).

She is not the girl I married, and I am not the boy she married. We would have changed over 30 + years of marriage anyway, just not this much.

As I said , I do love her. She was a good mom to my boys. She is pretty, intelligent, loving. I can’t imagine being with another woman, but that may be the only option left to me to heal. (The right way , D , then other women).

Fuck VD.

I don’t want to celebrate it. I don’t know what I want. I think what I really want is a reservation at a nice quiet restaurant and I want to mope and be sad the whole time and wallow in my hurt. And I want him to sit there and show that he is capable of holding half my pain without complaining about it and without pretending to be supportive and then complaining about it four days later. I don’t know how to ask for this. He has made a reservation, probably out of abject terror of what would happen if he didn’t. We don’t know how to communicate about these things. Valentine’s Day is triggering that awful combination of anger, longing, sadness, loss, memories, rejection, fear we’ll end up fighting, devastation over the number of tears shed in the last 8 years.

I get the Fuck you VDay frame of mind. We kept celebrating it after the DDay of the « inappropriate relationship » because I was still doing a pick me dance and didn’t really think I’d been cheated on. Now I feel like sort of a joke for all that.

At the same time I feel bad for my husband. He desperately wants some hope and he has tried so hard. He has also been destroyed by all this so I can’t really stand to ruin his Valentine’s Day. I will probably try to show what enthusiasm I can.

If I had those triggers as described by goingtomakeit I wouldn’t celebrate either. It is a fluke that nothing bad happened to occur on VDay during our season of hell.