I mean that probably wouldn’t be the first book I would recommend to a new bs. It’s a helpful book for anyone, but I think it should be required reading for most ws.
I can understand your trepidation if you misused resources in the past, but self help is the best kind of help, and all ws need it.
I think it might be helpful to look at a a why here in order to see what I am saying.
Were you always selfish, or moreso around the time of your affair? I had been very selfless, always doing for him and our kids and abandoning my needs to placing them on low priority. I have come to see that my unselfishness and selfishness came from the same place. There was a hole I was trying to fill.
If you relate to that, perhaps it might help to say, what do you think this hole was? Do you think that you have always carried shame in the past and it’s only amplified by the affair?
The reason I am asking is because I think this book led me to one of my whys. Low self esteem, feeling this inherent shame that always meant I had to hustle to keep love. It grew into resentment.
And it might not be the same for you, but I think most ws are avoidant, avoiding trying to feel rejection or abandonment.
What I learned from this book is I wanted connection badly, our whole marriage, but I put up the obstacles to being in a vulnerable space with him.
The reason I recommend it is because that shame that is now amplified in you, it keeps the barrier up. It keeps you from being able to sit without being defensive and some of the other behaviors you describe having. Rising strong is a book about being brave enough to show up in moments of connection, and ways to communicate that are vulnerable and honest.
I am not offended if you don’t want to read the book. My larger concern is that the work that you need to do on yourself- you are seeing it as selfish. The reality is if you don’t fix these things you will not be as successful of a rebuilder. And our longest relationship is with ourselves, it impacts all our other relationships.
A successful rebuilder needs to shed their shame. Shame is a barrier. I realize that not everyone cheated for the same reasons I did. But realizing shame created my perfectionism, avoidance, lack of vulnerability, defensiveness, and much of the ways I acted out. And after the affair this was only bigger.
And, make no mistake about it - part of your healing is working towards self compassion. Self compassion and self love is how we can be brave. It frees up our big feelings about what we did and makes space for our spouse’s pain and needs. Shame is what keeps us in our head, it’s what causes trickle truth, and other false ways we self protect. It allows us instead to truly invest in ourselves in a healthy way so that we have it to give others.
Our relationship with self is reflected in every relationship we ever have. And you absolutely have to take time to heal and that is not selfish. It is normal to mistake what needs to happen as selfish. But investing in becoming a healthier person is not the same kind of selfishness you had in having an affair.
You sound down. I am not trying to add tothe pressure here, but shame and navel gazing is not what will ultimately get you where you need to go. It’s a paralyzing emotion. Part of the journey is changing from negative thinking to positive, hopeful thinking. Right now I understand nothing feels hopeful. It’s normal to feel that way, but you must resist staying there because nothing can grow.
I wish there was an easier way, but right now it’s in the opposite place you are looking. I say this with great love and understanding, you are worth it. You are divinely loved unconditionally, and you can become anyone you want to be. Ne a rebuilder, don’t settle to live in this space you previously built.
