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My idiot STBXH took actions that mean we have to divorce. Our poor children :( We've been together since I was 21 and we've lived together since then. So, I haven't lived on my own for 28 years. I am terrified and can't imagine it. I feel like I will be lonely even though I've been lonely in my marriage for a decade. We have 3 middle schoolers. I'm devastated and can't imagine live on my own. I'm pretty sure money won't be a problem even though his income is 3.5x more than mine. I'm devastated and terrified.

What's ridiculous is that I am a trial attorney and was a prosecutor and tried all kinds of criminals and have been in many a prison. I'm not sure why the prospect of divorcing my husband makes me so mousey but d@mn if it doesn't.

it IS scary. But read the fear vs reality thread pinned in this forum and you will see how so so many of us had the same fears and ended up finding them unfounded in reality.

See a divorce lawyer to get the facts on what D will look like. Knowledge is power and understanding what you are really dealing with will help you.

There will be lonely times at first— but there will also be times of complete contentment and peace. And you will learn that alone without the toxic stress of an unfaithful partner is less lonely than walking on eggshells with one. You will find ways to fill your time - new hobbies, seeing friends and family, your kids, fixing up a new place, exercising, working… you will be okay.

You can do this. I also had been with my partner for 25 years and it was weird at first. But it got better. Now I truly can’t imagine sharing my space with anyone ever :-)

You can do this. You are smart, competent, and strong. Even if you don’t feel that in this moment.

Thanks Bearly! Your words make me feel better. I met with a few attorneys and have chosen one.

It does make sense. If your STBXWH is SA, then you've probably been in an abusive relationship without realizing it. That can cause your brain to do some weird things, like thinking that you won't be able to do this.

You will learn that alone without the toxic stress of an unfaithful partner is less lonely than walking on eggshells with one.

Bearly nailed it, though. You are a badass and you can do this. There are times you might feel lonely (I admit that I don't), but you will adjust to your new living arrangements.

I was fearful, too. But I love my new place that I can decorate any way I want, the TV is mine, any mess is mine and I don't have to pick up after XWH. And the not having the stress from him is priceless.

I was very fearful of divorcing even though I knew it was the best direction for me. I looked at it as just putting one foot in front of the other until I arrived at my destination. It took time to get comfortable in my new life but am so very thankful and at peace with myself. Life is much better now, but it took time for the fears to die down. It was a process and wasn't overnight. Things that helped me were spending time with family and friends and talking about it and my fears. My IC really helped me get through it too. I leaned on everyone until I could stand straight on my own. I started yoga and meditation which helped balance my mind and body. You will get there and as time goes on the fears dissipate and you will be ok.

The best part was getting myself back and loving that person, trusting myself, and honoring myself.

Hi IDB! You and I have a bit in common -- I am also a trial attorney and former prosecutor. I was with my STBXH for 17 years and D day was a bit over a year ago. The divorce will be finalized in a little over a month due to the long period of separation required by my jurisdiction.

I can say in a year I'm still not completely healed, but I am SOOOOO much better than I was a year ago at this time. For example, a year ago this coming Sunday I attended a sporting event. It was about 3 weeks after D day. I was wandering around between periods and a complete stranger stopped me and said, "Oh honey, are you OK?" Apparently, I had let the mask slip and looked bad enough that a woman I had never met stopped to check on me. I remember how horribly I felt then. Like I said, it still hurts and my anxiety and depression still go crazy sometimes, but I am so much better than I was then.

Since D day, I have gotten a new job that pays twice what my former job paid. I loved my last job as a prosecutor, but the pay was crap so I had to look for something new. I have a new boyfriend who seems decent and honest, is gorgeous, and better than the STBXH in almost all ways. I have no idea if this will be forever or just for now, but it's going well. We're going on a cruise next weekend!

Advice...if your jurisdiction has a long period of separation, get your STBXH to sign a separation agreement as soon as possible. I had one drafted and emailed to STBXH within 2 weeks of d day. I think he felt guilty and so agreed to a separation agreement that favored me-- I got the house and didn't have to pay out his portion. I also will receive alimony until 2030. That part is especially nice because when we separated, he made about 40% more than I did and now I make 50% more than he does, yet he will pay me monthly for another 6 years. Call it an asshole tax.

BOA-I love it. Your replay makes me feel better. We do have a lot in common. I still work for the state but in a civil division. I LOVE my job but like you may have to go into the private sector-but not anytime soon of course. I am starting to network, though. That's awesome that you didn't have to buy out his share of the house and you got alimony-I am hoping for both of those things. We shall see. I know things will get better but holy cow it seems like it will never.

I had been with my now EXWH since I was 19, and we had been together almost 25 years. I also could not imagine surviving divorce, but here I am 7.5 years later and doing just fine! I had been a SAHM for over 20 hrs, had to enter the workforce, etc. It was SO scary. Like many scary things, the fear is all in your head, and once you start walking forward and dealing with things day by day, you realize you can do anything one day at a time. The further I got away from the ex, the more I could see how unhealthy our relationship was, and how freeing it was to be alone.

Now I’m not alone, and am loving a happy, healthy relationship.

Best of luck to you. You’ve got this.

Nekorb- your reply warmed my soul. I wish I wasn't terrified but here we are.

"... once you start walking forward and dealing with things day by day, you realize you can do anything one day at a time. "

-That's good advice and I've been telling myself, "one foot in front of the other."

"The further I got away from the ex, the more I could see how unhealthy our relationship was, and how freeing it was to be alone."

-I've been told that since he is a SA I will look back and see how I was being emotionally abused on some level. I have developed som co-dependency habits. I'm preparing for a hard 6 months and assume the next 6 months after that will be hard on some level. Also, he was gone this weekend and man our home felt so much more peaceful.

"Now I’m not alone, and am loving a happy, healthy relationship."
-After this, I cannot imagine ever trusting anyone again-hopefully with time and counseling will heal that wound. I also can't imagine being alone forever -if nothing else, I'd like someone to travel with and split bills with.

"Best of luck to you. You’ve got this."
-Thank you.

It was a LONG time before I even entertained the idea of dating. I was very much in the never, ever again camp for a long time. When I started evaluating every man anywhere near me as a potential sex partner I knew I was healing and moving on. lol

You’ll get there. No need to worry yourself about it now. You’ve got bigger fish to fry at the moment!!

I Deserve Better ,I’m in the same situation as you at the moment. Trying to get my courage up to file.

IntoTheUnknown, you may want to post your story in the JFO (Just Found Out) forum so you can get your own specific advice.

I was scared at first but so glad I did now.

I totally get you. I have the same fears, anxiety, and doubts should I choose the D route. I’ve seen the hurt and pain divorcees go through, especially after a betrayal. However, i can tell you that I’ve met a number of women who remarried after D and are very happy. The first few years were challenging for them, but they forged ahead and created a wonderful new life for them. One woman ended up marrying a very wealthy man and is living the life of a dream (they’ve been married for 20 years) Another woman married a kind, good hearted men and i see them holding hands wherever they are (they’ve been married for 15 years now) Look up Lisa terkerust and read her story as a real life inspiration. I also know a few women who decided to remain single and they are thriving as well. You will get through this. As your username suggests, you deserve better. You deserve fidelity, honesty, kindness, love, truth, and a partner who will not stab you in the heart.