SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I’m just about out of words.

I’m sitting in the ER waiting room right now as JM is being evaluated. He was actively psychotic on and off all weekend. I got him in to see the psychiatrist today and she felt he needed inpatient stabilization.

Last time we were here they stuck him in a police car with cuffs on to transport him. I promise you that will NOT happen tonight. They may be putting me in a police car lol. Praying there is a bed here in this hospital so he will just be moving upstairs. I am beyond exhausted.

PTSD is a beast, y’all. And I am so tired of fighting it.

So sorry you are struggling. You are an amazing wife.
Be kind to you too.
Prayers and strength, peace and comfort heading your way.

Sending you and JM prayers.

Thank you Tushie.

I’m so very angry and tired and frustrated.

Friday I had a rough day at work. I am having a lot of pain in my foot (the one operated on) and the opposite side knee. I am doing EVERYTHING possible to manage this. I take high power NSAIDS round the clock, Tylenol 3 times a day, gabapentin, Cymbalta. I have diclofenac cream, CBD balm and lidocaine that I put on 3-4 times a day. I’m getting PT with ultrasound and heat treatments, I put ice and TENS unit on it. And I had a very upsetting interaction with the PA for my knee Dr who just disregarded everything including the fact I had a pain management referral and appointment scheduled.

I get home and I just would like maybe one day to be about me. To be pissed off and stay pissed as long as I wanted to. But nope, JM meets me at the door with the day he’s had with seeing the dead people again and all that goes with that. He had torn our blinds apart. I am not unsympathetic. It destroys me to see him like that. But I am so tired of day in day out worrying about everybody else.

Anyway, that’s another post. We got thru Friday. Saturday night was lovely… the men at our church put on a dinner for the ladies and it was wonderful.

Sunday I came home from work about 2 and he was asleep. Decided to take a nap. And all hell broke loose. Woke up hearing him screaming, cursing, throwing things around. He was hallucinating. He had no idea I was in the room. Nothing I said got through. He was screaming about how those motherf*ckers weren’t getting him again, hiding behind furniture, pushing the furniture around.

Side note: I am pretty sure is taking custody of our drug dealer niece’s children is probably a moot point now.

Y’all he outweighs me by 50 lbs. our son weighs about a buck 50 soaking wet and clothed. I was terrified and so was our son. But I didn’t want to call 911 because if the police we have around here (no offense to Bigger and any other LEO members) had shown up, somebody was gonna get hurt bad or dead.

Once he came back to earth he wouldn’t go to the hospital with me. He was so afraid of getting "locked in a box" again. So we compromised and made appointment with the psych Dr at the ketamine clinic. I thought he’d had a treatment in January but it has been since before Christmas. And you can’t just go off this stuff cold turkey.

She sent us to the ER and I thought he’d get at least a 72 hour hold and maybe I could rest. But they just kept him in the ER for 24 hours and then discharged him. Meanwhile I was 2 minutes late to my pain management appointment (because, OMG I was overwhelmed with freaking LIfE and they made me reschedule.

Then I get back to the hospital thinking he’s been admitted and they say he’s ready to go. I had asked to speak to the psychiatrist or MHC and no, that wasn’t necessary because he wasn’t actively psychotic and is able to make his own decisions. I asked what was I supposed to do when it happens again and y’all, I swear to God this woman almost died in front of me. Because she said, and I quote, "Bring him back here."

Bring. Him. Back.

Where they did absolutely fucking nothing but lock him in a room with a recliner to sleep in. I’m sure I’m gonna get a 5 figure bill for that shit.

And besides that… if you’ve been following along… this man is big. And when he is hallucinating and in fear for his life he is stronger than anything I’ve ever seen. I would love to know what tf this woman thinks I can do to get him in my little Honda accord.

Today was better. We met with a different psych hospital. (Incidentally, the same place he stayed back in 2011 after the events which can not be mentioned in this forum). He will be restarting the ketamine treatments tomorrow. And on Monday will start an intensive outpatient program for 4 weeks.

And at some point I am going to our county mental health center to get in their system so I can get counseling and medication management.

Meanwhile, baby still hasn’t been born. Nothing new on that point.

And JM just came out from a long conversation with our pastor and he has stepped down from all of his church duties. Deacon, SS teacher, chairman of finance committee. All of it. I’m thinking it’s good.

HF— so much on your plate. I wish we could help take some of that load.
I am glad he is going back on his meds and starting the outpatient program. PTSD is horrible.
Please take care of you and ask your church for support.
Sending the biggest ((((hugs)))).

Oh honey that is so very much to deal with.
I guess in your area if you call for an ambulance and Medics you get cops too?of not that can be an option when he snaps again. His size alone makes it a scary situation for you.
Sounds like you are doing all the things to manage that pain. I'm sorry pain management had to be rescheduled. Any chance you can get a medrol injection in the knee at an ortho urgent care? Most ortho staff these now. Might give you some temporary relief.

I'm very sorry, HFSSC. Mojo is on itw way.

Thank you all. And thanks to everyone who posted on my other thread too. I can’t believe I rated a Tred sighting. I feel so honored.

It’s continued to be a rough week. I pulled or tore my left hamstring yesterday. I tend toward torn because there is a pretty massive bruise on the backside of my knee.

My niece’s arrest has finally made the local news. Yay. Our County police finally showed up with 4 vehicles yesterday. She’s charged with trafficking in meth, possession with intent to traffic weed and child endangerment. She is GRINNING in her mug shot. Like it’s all just a big joke.

Anyway, I made a statement to JM yesterday that I realized is not true. I told him he has people to go to, to lean on. His fellow deacons, his iRacing league buddies, friends he grew up with. And I said I have nobody. I have very little in common with most of the ladies at my church and I’ve given up trying to get in the cliques. Work people are just that.

Then I realized…. Y’all are my circle. You’re the ones I can tell anything. Thank you for being here.

HFSSC - I am so sorry for all you are going through. I know it must seem like it's just too much to deal with - and it is. I hope you get your knee checked and get out of pain. In addition to all you are dealing with, pain is the last thing you need.

(((((HFSSC)))))

HF, I'm so sorry everything has to hit you from every direction and all at once. I'm glad you feel you at least have SI to turn to. And I'm pretty sure that SI is thankful to have you here. I know I am. You have been there for so many of us when we are hurting, we can only hope to be equal to reciprocating when you call.

Please advocate for your pain needs as much as you do for others. I see you have been there pushing for their needs, please put HF at the top of the list for once, so you can be there for everyone and everything else that need you. And get some rest you must desperately need.

Damn you're going through alot right now. That like having three boomfarts exit simultaneously--there's no way for the rear to not be impacted from that kinda firepower.

Is taking over the church and making all it's members your loyal minions to enact your will a possibility?

NTV I can’t stop laughing. Thank you for that. Honestly, I’m still too angry at my pastor to even try to implement a hostile takeover.

I had my pain management appointment yesterday and y’all, this was arranged and anointed by God. At one point she said to me, "I am not ever going to stand here and tell someone, ‘You don’t deserve to have your pain managed because of something you did in your past.’ We are going to work together to keep you safe and and comfortable."

I cried. You wanna know how many times any physician has ever told me that? ONE. We talked about my sobriety and that I’m in a dangerous place because of my mental health. (In that I’ve completely ignored it). She wants to see me in 2 weeks. I told her I’d see her every day if she wanted me to, lol. She is kind and compassionate and smart.

I am going today or tomorrow (depending on how JM’s appointments go) to do the intake at the mental health center so I can get in to see the psychiatrist and get my meds adjusted.

The first week of March is a big week, lol. I see the knee doctor again, the PM doctor, and get the steroid injection in my foot. Pretty sure we’ve met our deductible for the year, which may be a new record.