SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi All

5 months ago I found out my husband was having an affair with a 23 year old co-worker. It went over a course of a month and they met up during work hours at her house to have sex on two occasions. We are in our early 40’s and have a 6 year old plus a 16 year old from a previous marriage.

I chose to stay and try and work it out but I just can’t. He has done everything right since eg marriage counselling, complete honesty and transparency about the affair (well if you can ever believe a cheater again), and working really hard on himself and the marriage. I can see how we can be a happy couple/family.

Except I just can’t get over what he did. Like I will be fine for a while and then I turn into a angry aggressive awful human. We have been having great sex since the affair but then there are days I feel sick to my stomach when he touches me and my skin crawls with disgust.

I want to leave him so I don’t feel this pain anymore but I still love him. Then I hate myself for being so weak. I’m just a big broken shell that to the outside looks fine but I’m just waiting for the day a complete meltdown occurs.

Any advice???

Hi, Webbit, so sorry you are now a member of the best club no one wants to join.

The consensus here is that it takes 2-5 years to heal from infidelity. You are just at the beginning of this long journey whether you decide to stay or leave.

Sometimes infidelity is a dealbreaker no matter what the wayward spouse does. Sometimes couples can push this living nightmare and come out the other side intact but slightly broken.

Honestly, you both need individual counseling, the marriage wasn't broken, he is/was. Most of us here don't recommend marriage counseling until the affair has been mostly resolved emotionally.

You are probably still in shock, give yourself some grace, you are not weak, you loved the person you thought he was, now you have to get to a point of acceptance that the person you trusted the most stabbed you in the back. It's an extremely hard pill to swallow. Read through some of the stories here, the things cheaters do would turn the stomach of anyone who has a moral compass.

Is he still working with this co-worker? Has he gone completely NC (no contact) with her?

My suggestion is to get yourself into a good therapist who deals with trauma because infidelity is traumatic, our lives as we knew it are blown up into little pieces. Hopefully he/she will help you move toward a place of decision as how you want to proceed.

Many members here have divorced, and many have worked through it.

[This message edited by annb at 8:44 PM, Thursday, February 22nd]

What you are going through right now is sadly...pretty normal at this stage...and I am so sorry that you are having to go through this horribly RAW pain .

Reaching out like you are is a GREAT step . This Forum is a good place to rant and rave if you feel you need to...it is definitely understandable at this stage. The "Just Found Out" Forum is one where only Betrayeds can post. This may help you if you are still feeling too sensitive to read posts from well meaning Waywards who may post on your threads.

The great sex is one benefit to this...and it has a name to it...hysterical bonding. It will eventually end...but enjoy it while you can...I sure did !!

I reached the anger stage at about 6 months in...and that scared me so much. I had never felt RAGE like I did during this time. I learned that anger was a secondary emotion...brought on by a primary emotion such as hurt...guilt...etc. Once I was able to focus on the primary emotion and take care of that...the anger subsided a lot. Nowadays I rarely...if ever let anger get the better of me. That was like a miracle!!

You will get TONS of great advice on here ! One thing to remember though is that we are all at different stages of healing and our advice goes from what we are experiencing. Some advice will contradict with other advice depending on where the posters are in their healing stage. We ALL want to HELP . So take the advice that will help YOU...and leave the rest . BTW...annb was one of those posters who helped me immensely when I first joined here .

Buckle up Dear Lady. You are now riding the emotional rollercoaster (((HUGS))). It starts off as a DOOZY...very HIGH highs...and oh so LOW lows!! Now that I am almost 10 years out though...it is more like a kiddie ride .

Welcome to SI and so sorry that you had to join us. There are some posts in the JFO (Just Found Out) forum that you might find helpful. Some are pinned to the top of the forum and others have bullseye targets to the side of the title. Also, the Healing Library has a lot of great information, including the list of acronyms we use.

Your emotions can be all over the place. We call it the emotional roller coaster. Like W2BH, I have never felt the anger that flooded through me like I did in the early months. If you're having trouble sleeping or with depression/anxiety, please see your doctor for meds. Also, please be sure you are both tested for STDs/STIs because there are some pretty nasty health consequences for some of them.

For some, infidelity is a deal-breaker and you may fit in this category. That's fine, we'll be here to help you get out of infidelity, whether R or D.

One book that I'd suggest for your WH (wayward husband) is How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald. It's a nice blueprint for him to know what will help you heal. Another good book is Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass.

Has he found another job or is she at another job? If they still work together, there's a good possibility that the A isn't over.

How are you doing today?

Like I will be fine for a while and then I turn into a angry aggressive awful human.

Nope. If you weren't angry, sad, scared, or ashamed some of the tie, you wouldn't be human. It's normal and healthy and very human to feel one's feelings.

A rage stage at 5-6 months from d-day is pretty normal. If you think rage makes you awful, you may need to express anger more than you've already expressed it. Being betrayed brings immense amounts of very uncomfortable feelings with it. Again, feeling those feelings is very human. At this point, you don't look ready to decide between D & R.

That's a normal stage in deciding. I think what will happen is that you'll be on the roller coaster for while, and eventually you'll come down solidly one way or the other. I urge you to hang in with yourself and let your decision grow organically. Watch what your H does; monitor yourself.

It will take longer than you want it to take, but you will almost definitely know one day whether R or D is the best path for you.

I know you want the pain to end soon. That's why 'soon' is part of my ID. Unfortunately, I think the quickest way through the pain is to feel it, let it flow, let it go. Trying to accelerate the process is likely to slow down your healing.

Running away from the pain will hurt you. You want an optimal solution, and that's not necessarily the most obvious one. Have faith in yourself to figure out the best course of action for you. If D is best for you, you'll figure it out. One day in the not too distant future, you'll know what you want.

*****

There are more and less effective ways of expressing feelings. If you want guidance that, just ask.

*****

I'm very sorry you've been betrayed. Have faith in yourself to survive and thrive.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 10:24 PM, Friday, February 23rd]

Hi Webbit,

Welcome to SI, I'm so sorry you have found yourself in a position where you needed to find us, but I'm glad you did.

The way you're feeling right now is pretty normal. I know it feels awful and crazy and all-consuming and you probably barely recognize the person you've become sometimes. Around 4-5 months out, when I started to feel less fearful and more comfortable in the belief that my husbands wasn't going anywhere, I became an absolute RAGE monster. Part of me felt like I was testing him sometimes - "Oh you say you're willing to do anything to save the marriage, but are you actually???" I'm not suggesting it was always healthy, but its true. Honestly, I'm surprised I was able to keep my job during that time because I dont' think a minute went by where I wasn't thinking about the A.

We have been having great sex since the affair but then there are days I feel sick to my stomach when he touches me and my skin crawls with disgust.

This is really common too. It's called hysterical bonding and I experienced it too. Before I understood what it was, I felt really ashamed about it. Like what was I, a dog trying to mark their territory or just a pathetic person trying to degrade myself in order to 'win' a cheater back? Hearing other peoples' experiences made me feel a bit better about it.

It's unclear what you're looking for specifically. It's okay if you just want to commiserate and a place to vent.
Just because you originally decided to stay, doesn't mean you're obligated to do so now. Cheating is always a dealbreaker. I'm not going to try to talk you into going or staying - I'm not in your shoes and I don't know your marriage. Only you can decide that. Sometimes the WS is showing clear signs that they are not interested in or capable of being a safe partner and the only reasonable option is trying to support the BS get to a point where they can divorce. With a WS that is apparently remorseful, it isn't as obvious. Both partners have to be willing to do the work to rebuild the marriage - and that can feel like an incredible injustice for someone who didn't make the choice to blow the marriage up in the first place. Love, and a strong foundation, helps - but it's not enough. There are no shortcuts - the only way past it is through it.

Whatever you ultimately decide to do, this place is a good resource for getting support, venting your frustration, fears, insecurities, anger, etc. You will see people quote 2-5 years as the average timeline for healing and from my experience, that's pretty true. I know that seems like an impossible amount of time right now. It's a long haul and it sucks, but it does get better. I will also say that the all-consuming nature of the pain wont continue at the same intensity as you are feeling it now. It may still hurt a few years from now, but it'll be more like a dull ache than a searing stab wound.

You mention your spouse cheated with a co-worker. Are they both still employed at the same location? Has he gone totally NC (no contact) with her?

I am so sorry you are going through this pain. I could have written your post as far as how you feel. I am two years from d day but have had so much truckle truth and really just found out the whole story about 5 months ago. The anger, disgust and feeling weak for staying have been an endless loop for me. I do have strings of days that I feel better and more positive but I think I will likely be closer to five years before I feel stable and decide if I will stay in the marriage. My WH is doing everything right as well but some days I just want to start over so I don’t have this pain. Lean on any close friends or family you can and stick with a good therapist. I am on my second and she has been helpful so far.

Thank you everyone for your responses 💚

I guess I hoped for 6 months to be enough time to begin to heal and to make definite decisions. But it appears I’m impatient!

I am an over thinker and planner so I have given myself another 6 months. If the pain is still this raw I walk because it’s just bullshit really.

I have been reading a lot of posts here on the forums and it is really helpful. Im gals I have found such a great bunch of people just a shame in such a shitty life situation 😢