SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

As far as her first marriage goes, I’m pretty sure I have the whole story. Her family and friends at the time all say the same thing. He’s not a very nice guy and has been a horrible father. He comes in and out of their lives at random and makes promises that are always broken. He has hurt them over and over again and I’ve just tried my best to be the rock in their lives.

The speed at which they discarded you is concerning. Who knows now if the first marriage story is true.

JC,

I'm hurting for you, like everyone else on here, we can't stand the unfairness of your situation. SI was my sanity when my WW was deep in EA/PA and you've had plenty of sound advice in the posts prior to this one.

Take care of yourself, you will get through this and be stronger, and wiser. Engage with those who reach out, logic will prevail and you'll have clarity. The panic attacks and anxiety will subside, the only advice I can give is that they do pass, observe them passing and remember to use breath techniques to establish inner calm.

Be well
Salty

A very common misunderstanding on this site is this view that divorce is some form of alternative close relationship.
Divorce is the termination of a relationship. It’s the END. Part of that ending is that some ties are broken.

The extent is dependent on lots of things, but it’s to be expected that her friends and her family tend to gravitate towards remaining her friend and family. Even in an amicable and less-confrontational divorce it’s highly likely that you wouldn’t get an invite to her mom’s Thanksgiving turkey this year. It’s considered amicable if you still get a Christmas card.

As far as friends go… Some will remain hers, some yours, some will have the maturity to combine both. It depends a lot (probably) on how that friendship started. Bob – the husband of her roommate at college – might drop out of your life because his wife was the initiator for the friendship.
That’s OK. This isn’t the schoolyard where everyone is a friend or an enemy. What this situation will clarify is who are friends and who might be acquaintances. Like the aforementioned Bob might still be considered if someone is needed as the fourth for a ring of golf.

Don’t sweat it. If you want to, then maybe tell the ones that you are most disappointed with that a) divorce isn’t a competition where they need to choose sides, b) they can support you both as friends, and that is what friends would do. If you want this confrontation finalized then also let them know that their decision and their actions now will really let you know who your friends really are, and give you a clear view of their true character.

You don’t have to prove anything to anyone. You don’t need detail. If someone asks (and they are within the circle that maybe should know) then you can say that you discovered she was having an affair, and that you can’t get over that. That’s it. Don’t have to show pics or texts or dna-samples.

The daughters… OK – I truly get it that you consider yourself their father.
Only biologically and legally your aren’t…
You two had 14 years to change that but didn’t. I’m not questioning that, there can be extremely good and valid reasons for this. But you didn’t. Please – I am a stepdad, and I didn’t adopt my son purely to ensure his biological dad paid child-support. Since that guy turned up to be a decent, stand-up sort of man that turned OK.
Seeing as they were 4 when you met, and it’s been 14 years then both are over 18 and therefore legally allowed and capable of their own decisions. Including whom to block on Facebook. They are also able to decide who to interact with. In fact they can decide never again to see or hear from you and blame you 100% for causing their mom pain.
Just like you could 100% within your legal right never contact them again or pay a dime for anything related to them, their education or needs.

But let’s try to avoid those extremes…
In your shoes I would contact your daughters and talk to them. Maybe send them an email or letter. Treat them as adults, not as children.
No – you do not have to prove their mom was cheating. You don’t have to have them chose sides. This conflict has nothing to do with them, although the consequences will change their world. The key is to let them know they don’t have to choose sides, that the legal process of divorce will ensure its done as fairly as possible and that you have no intention of smearing or hurting their mom – your wife – more than her own actions might have.

However… THIS is a great reminder of why their ongoing financial support is not dependent on anything in the divorce. It’s a lot better for YOU to decide to hand them each an annual check for tuition or boarding, rather than having a court decree determine you do so. Allows you to evaluate their progress (personal and work) and decide if paying for one more term in advanced modern abstract pottery while battling a drug-addiction is what you really want to do…

I’m so so sorry. Unfortunately, as many more wise and experienced here will say, this often happens. I haven’t handled my own situation so perfectly so am not the best person to give you advice but I will say the following.

When it comes to D you have to prepare for the worst. Make sure you have the best (=most experienced) lawyer you can afford. And find someone that works for you.

Where I come from (the world’s D capital according to some because the way the law favours the financially weaker spouse) there are many D lawyers. Some will waste a lot of your time and money arguing the trivial and engaging in a lot of hostile correspondence with the other side. It may make you feel better in the moment but actually adds nothing aside from angst, stress and cost. Get someone who is experienced but strategic. Someone that can fight and win the big issues. And someone that can hold your hand and guide you through the process. And let them drive the tactics. Because they will be much clearer headed than you (and you have been very clear).

Your W through her actions is showing you what she is capable of. Be prepared and be appropriately armed. Because she may fight very hard once she is sure you won’t come back.

Thanks for all the suggestions and support. I’m still just trying to figure out what’s the best way to move forward for me. WW has been blowing up my phone wanting to talk and explain. I finally texted her and said if she didn’t stop, I’d block her – something I’d rather not have to do Thanks again for the support.

JC,

Your best position is to withdraw and not engage. When you went back to collect the last of your things, you told your WW to stay out of your life. Her response has been to bombard your phone, after having actively tried to cut you off from everyone else that was part of your circle as a couple.

Whatever she has been saying to people has caused them to be hostile and offish in varying degrees, so it was disingenuous of her to act like she had no idea what might have upset you when you called round for your stuff. There is every chance that her friends and your MIL contacted her to let her know about their contact with you, and how things had gone. A person cannot go around blackening another person's name, to the point where that person is shunned or treated like a bad guy, and then wonder why the victim is angry about their treatment.

It seems that she wants her to be the only person in your circle that you talk to, and the reasons for that are fairly obvious. I believe she is trying to manage/control this situation and come out of it smelling of roses.

I think you need to consider what positive benefit there would be, after everything that has happened in the past few weeks, from further contact with your WW. The divorce has started, and it seems clear that you need some time away from your WW to enable you to recover. The last thing you need is more engagement with her as she tries to manage/manipulate the situation and you. I honestly believe that right now, your WW is not good for your health. She is reaching out for her benefit, not yours. Step back, stay silent, disengage. That disempowers her attempts to control the situation, and it protects you from being manipulated.

Talk to your friends, talk to your support team, talk to us. Do not talk to her. It doesn't matter what she says, ignore it. If she really presses it, you can ask your attorney to request that all communications are channeled through the attorney. What you need now is time away from her to focus on yourself.

Please be good to yourself. Our thoughts are with you.

[This message edited by M1965 at 10:30 AM, Friday, March 29th]

"Why are you so angry?"
Did she say that? This one really gets up my nose. Classic bit of gaslighting, DARVO, etc. If you are angry, that's actually ok and normal - Lundy Bancroft points out (talking about male perps but applies to any abusive situation) anger is a human right. Going on a tell all rampage forthwith not such a solid plan as some suggested. You sound like a natural "grey rock", your logical brain has taken over, so go forth with this sound approach.
I wonder now the scales are falling from your eyes if you have started to become aware of signs that were always there (not of cheating as such, thats just a manifestation, but the manipulation). People don't change overnight.

Cut off all communication with her. Ignore any messages and calls.

Hire an attorney and speak only through your attorney.

JC,

Please realize these are horrid people, and your soon to be ex-wife is an absolute disgusting human being who has clearly manipulated her family, including those friends around her for quite some time.

In your deep desire to be accepted and loved you have most likely been overlooking these blemishes on her and her daughters core character. It is time to think of yourself and your happiness. You are 38, there is so much wonderful time for you to find this happiness.

As a fellow man who once saw only darkness when my life was turned upside down, I promise you it does get a lot better if you choose to make it so. You have the gift of clarity, when you understand something or someone on a core level, you can make far better decisions. You now see your WW, daughters, MIL and even so called friends without their masks, welcome that truth and embrace that you now know who they are and now for the first time you can decide are these the type of people you want as your family and friends?

Remember you deserve more than what they are...

[This message edited by hardyfool at 5:58 PM, Friday, March 29th]

Seems your wife is spinning a story that has turned her family against you. Time to see her and her family for what they are. They do not want to know what is going on. They are burring their heads and supporting her no matter what.

Exit this relationship and take care of yourself. Remove the support you initially agreed to. Do not pay for the twins college unless they want to know th truth. Probaly best to think about going no contact with the her side of the family and freinds.

If they want to talk to you, let them come to you. You may want to have one last conversation with her for closure

[This message edited by lparistotle at 4:10 PM, Friday, March 29th]

So she knows exactly why you are angry and that the daughters blocked you, among others, right?

If she understands that clearly and hasn't fixed the situation with the girls yet then we have to say this was very much intentional on her part. Have you tried to contact them again since WW saw your anger?

I would have WW write her "explanation" in an email for you to read.

I agree that limited communication is best only because it involves your daughters. It would seem prudent to hear her "explanation" of her daughters blocking you.

WW has been blowing up my phone wanting to talk and explain. I finally texted her and said if she didn’t stop, I’d block her – something I’d rather not have to do.

Tragically ironic when the betrayer is busted, their secret cheating world is laid bare while falling apart, the massive fallout begins, and now they are frantic to "explain".

So sadly cliche.

Stay the course friend and keep working to shore up your life, sans her and her self inflicted toxic drama.

How are you today JC? Keep posting!

A couple of things. No contact is the quickest way to recovering. This allows your emotions to subside. You seperating is a first necessary step towards this.

No contact should be conveyed as a vital step not to penalize but to allow you the best space to heal.

Being alone. You have conveyed that this was common in your upbringing. You have been able to work through this before, and still come out of it at the other end.

Overcome your fears of it. Embrace it. Again, you have gone through this before and came out the other end.

My wife is bipolar. When she goes away for visits, the longer she is away, the better I feel.

This alone period will be necessary for you to heal. Give it time, and you will realize how important it is. Allow this period to help you get back to yourself. The time to be able to get comfortable in your own skin. Spend this time working on just you.

Lastly, do not be in a hurry to change jobs. Right now you need tasks that will extend you. Not only to help you keep busy but to also help redevelop the drive to go forward. A usual tendency is for us to reach a certain pinnacle and then work to become comfortable there. You have the time and space to work above this.

You have mentioned your desire to look for employment to help support others. An indication of your caring nature.

God bless during this Easter period.

[This message edited by paboy at 2:31 AM, Saturday, March 30th]

I’m sure you said a lot to her after you found out everyone has cut you off.

If she were messaging me, I’d simply state back:

"It’s clear that after destroying our marriage and hurting me so with your infidelity that you have decided I should be cut off from everyone I ever could have as support. So after inflicting the pain on me with your choice to cheat and giving away to another all that we held dear in our relationship you decided that I should now be shunned by everyone I loved and held dear.

Youre choice is clear. You’ve obviously have blamed me for all your decision to consistently sleep with another man has destroyed.

My hope to be amicable with the end of our marriage and support our daughters whom I love as my own is not a plan you share. I can’t fathom why you would do this on top of the pain you laid upon me.

I don’t need anything more from you as everything you seem to want to bring to me these days is just devastating. I now will go and try to rebuild a life you have decided I should no longer be a part of. "

Then end communication and begin your life away from her. Stop offering to work with her via the same attorney.

Dont expect her to try and fix any of this. She’s not capable. Focus on you and your healing.

I’m sorry it has come to this.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 1:21 PM, Saturday, March 30th]

Just want to give you an update. It’s just been a roller-coaster. I got a call from my MIL who apologized over and over again for what she said and did when I went to their house. She said that my WW had asked the girls to come down on the weekend and wanted all of them to come over. WW then told them all that she had done, including some really hurtful texts, and exactly the reason I had filed for D.

After talking with her, I was able to piece together what happened. One of the girls had called my WW, and, in the conversation, she asked how I was. This set WW off and she just started sobbing that it was over between us and that I had filed for D. She then said she just couldn’t talk anymore right then. When the girls got together, they decided I must have had an A so they blocked me and then called their grandparents and told then I had had an A was and was divorcing their mom. WTF.

My Mil kept saying how sorry she was and wanted me to come over for dinner. I thanked her for calling and said I knew how difficult that was for her to do. I also told her that I would take a rain check on dinner – it was just something I couldn’t do right now. I’m not sure what happened, but a switch just flipped for me. It feels like I could never trust my in-laws again. I’ve also thought a lot about the girls. I think that trying to give them everything that I didn’t have, I (WW too) ended up doing them a huge disservice. If I look at them objectively, they’re spoiled and entitled. I think it may be a long time before I hear from them. I don’t think they even know how to apologize.

I found a great IC and have had a couple of helpful sessions. Our plan is twice a week for at least a while. I can already see this is going to be a really painful process, but I don’t think there’s any way out of it. I’m just going through the motions right now. 70-80 hour work weeks, the gym and fast food. There’s just a hollow feeling that nothing matters any more. Thanks for listening.

JC

This is good news and it all makes more sense now. Your WW did one decent thing at the least. You don’t need to give her a medal but decent deeds ought to be acknowledged. Perhaps a similar high road approach might be called for with the twins.

Your in laws love you and want to have a relationship with you. Give yourself time to heal before deciding to shut that door completely.

I'm sure many will say just to walk away from all of it, but considering your past and the love you all have for each other I'm not sure that is best for you or for them.

Take your time. You don't have to decide anything right now.

I

’ve also thought a lot about the girls. I think that trying to give them everything that I didn’t have, I (WW too) ended up doing them a huge disservice. If I look at them objectively, they’re spoiled and entitled. I think it may be a long time before I hear from them. I don’t think they even know how to apologize.

They're 19 years old. Brains aren't even fully formed yet. Young people at that age generally only know the version of reality their parents have created for them to that point. My strongest possible advice vis-a-vis them is to continue treating them as you have been, so long as your relationship with them remains as it has been.