SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hey All,

Amazed to see this website still running. Amazed I remembered my UserID!

My D-Day was Labor Day Monday, 2006. Married 14 years with 3 kids.

AP was 10-year-old daughter's best friend's single dad.

Back then, I consumed everything I could from this website, and I would rank my story in the top 10 of awfulness. It was that ugly and humiliating. SI was a great asset, and I would give it credit for saving my sanity, if anyone asked.

However, at the time, I was willing to do anything to save my nuclear family, and my kids, from what I knew would be a disaster situation.

Fast Forward to now. We didn't divorce. Kids are grown and all have promising careers and/or futures. However, my marriage is non-existent. We are friendly, like one would be to a co-worker, but that's it, even though we still share the same bed.

WW felt bad...but not for years later. She moped for years about her former boyfriend, even after we'd moved to a different country to escape the scene of the crime. There was never an emotional reconnection. Intimacy is perhaps once every few years. Haven't been kissed in 18 years. It's sad, really.

In hindsight, I should have made a clean break. Taken the financial hit. Started a new life.

At the time, I was 39, and I thought I was too old to start a new relationship. In reality, I was just a kid. Instead, I stuck with it, and, without exaggeration, I've thought back to that dark period every single day since. And it's been over 5,000 days. I've never gone for counselling, but I've self-diagnosed myself with PTSD....and the cause of it sleeps 3 feet away from me every night.

What I didn't understand is that, unless the remorse is immediate and deep, there is likely no chance for long term R. I'd believed it was only a matter of time. That she'd come around and sometime, perhaps on our 20th, 25th or maybe even 30th wedding anniversary, she'd write a long letter to me expressing her deep regret and her love for me....

Only in my dreams.

It's like a prison. We're civil to each other. Occasionally share a laugh. We discuss our kids frequently. But there's no emotional connection. I gave up long ago accompanying her to any social events. Why put in the effort if there was never anything reciprocal?

At the time, she told me that she had never known love until she met her AP. That she actually had never loved me, and that I was simply a rebound relationship that she took too far. At the time, I knew she was 'in the fog'. That she'd come around. 18 years later, I now believe she was telling the truth.

So....living in a Zombie marriage. The status quo is familiar and comfortable, but joyless.

I had my chance 18 years ago and blew it.

Ironically, I wouldn't be against her finding a new AP so I'd have a catalyst to finally move on....

Sorry for your pain. I have just one question. What would the future you, 18 years from now, say to you now?

The one positive to your story-- and it's a big one-- is that you didn't lose any time with your kids and they seem to have grown up to be successful and well-adjusted people.

You thought you were too old to start over at 39 but now you realize you were "just a kid." At 75 years old, won't you you look back at your 57-year-old self and feel the same way?

Another thing you need to seriously consider is the question of whether your wife is someone you can trust to make decisions on your behalf in the event you ever became ill or incapacitated, and if you think she could provide you with the patience, support, and most--importantly-- self-sacrifice that's required in the twilight years. Furthermore, do you think you could be that person for her?

If you want to move on, what more reason do you need?

We talk about some people who say the Reconciled but really they just Remained Married.
I am about to turn 57 and I can tell you that it is not too late to find a new beginning. Time will pass regardless, so why not aim for happiness instead of ‘meh’?

And it is PTSD and there are treatments for it. Maybe find a trauma specialist therapist and give a little IC a whirl.

And if not, then please seek your happiness. The kids are gone— you can have your own room. You can take up new hobbies. You can make new friends. Find what sparks joy and do that. You may find you are okay with the status quo. You may find you are scared of change. And you may find you are ready to make a change. But find out. Does your state recognize legal separation? Maybe that will protect your finances but give you some breathing room to decide what you want. See a lawyer and ask.

Glad you survived and were able to give your kids a good start in life. That’s admirable. Now make sure you give yourself a good life, too.

What keeps you there? Do your kids know? You on your own will at least be free of the constant reminder. You deserve to live the life you want to live.
And, yes, it is easy to say. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't do it.

Gently now.

You are currently repeating your behaviour that you exhibited in the first place.

Why wait for your WW to decide? Why can't YOU decide for YOU? Why wait for your WW to 'find another AP' to spur you to move on?

You are making excuses not to leave. YOU are keeping yourself miserable.

You have no excuses now, as you actually have had the benefit of hindsight.

I find it hard to understand what kept you there. Your spouse said clearly no love for you anymore. You condemned yourself to a loveless life. You probably need a good therapy

I hear ya, man. I was in the same boat. I wanted to leave on and off since 2007, but couldn't do it to my kids. So I figured I'd take the bullet, wait for the kids to launch, then leave.

Our relationship was a carbon copy of my WW's parents. Two people occupying similar spaces out of habit. The only difference was we actually liked each other. But there was no intimacy.

Get out while you can still enjoy the last 20-30 years of your life.

Nice to see a veteran user ID!

I've never gone for counselling

Please start with this. Whether you decide to co-exist in your M or not, you deserve to be the best 'you' that you deserve. That starts with finding your inner joy regardless.

Many of us were paralyzed by fear of something (our ages, starting over, losing time with our young children, etc) but what I have seen said on this board over and over is folks wish they would have acted sooner. I am guilty as well but once I decided to make some changes, I never regretted them.

Please consider some IC my friend.

[This message edited by EvenKeel at 7:37 PM, Thursday, February 29th]

What I didn't understand is that, unless the remorse is immediate and deep, there is likely no chance for long term R. I'd believed it was only a matter of time. That she'd come around and sometime, perhaps on our 20th, 25th or maybe even 30th wedding anniversary, she'd write a long letter to me expressing her deep regret and her love for me....

This comment hits deep for me. I’m 20 months out, and I’m in that waiting period. I have to point out that other former waywards will say that it took them time to come around and truly get it, so I don’t think this is a universal truth. But it is sobering that it is very possible that it never comes. You have a sad story to tell, sir. I hope you make the best of it.

She might not have the tools to know how to reconcile with you. Have you considered emotionally focused couples therapy? I mean you’ve lived together 18 years after her infidelity it’s got to be worth a shot to see if you can reconnect emotionally.

What do you get from staying?

What would you lose by leaving?

I have to point out that other former waywards will say that it took them time to come around and truly get it, so I don’t think this is a universal truth.

One thing that is almost always true is that the cheaters will sit on the fence eating cake for as long as they can get away with it.

Not to imply that the BS can exert any control over what waywards will and won't do, but based on what I'm observed, waywards are more likely to extricate their heads from their rectums when the BS responds swiftly and decisively, and the consequences hit them immediately (contact OBS, quit job, papers filed, etc). I'm confident that my first marriage would've had a better chance of being saved if I hadn't been so paralyzed by fear and so desperate to keep him at all costs after Dday #1.

And if the cheaters don't respond to consequences right away? All that means is that you learned sooner rather than later that they weren't R material.

Molly

I find it hard to understand what kept you there. Your spouse said clearly no love for you anymore. You condemned yourself to a loveless life. You probably need a good therapy

After chiding everyone for being judgmental in your thread, I'm rather surprised you posted this. You know quite well that there are many practical reasons why a BS would choose to stay married, and that some BSs will choose to hold out hope that their spouse will change, even though the WS refuses to let go of their AP.

*Waving from the class of 2008*

Hey now, you are about the same age that I was when I walked. Sixteen years on now, I'm 70 and living a wonderful life alone. It's never too late, you have a lot of years left to enjoy.

I had my chance 18 years ago and blew it.

You have your chance still today.

You can divorce. You can also reconcile. You have all the same options today as you had back then.

I am guessing that you all rug swept, you say:

WW felt bad...but not for years later

.

What did that look like?

Disconnection makes you lonely. I am sure there are aspects of the affair that weren’t dealt with but I think a lot of marriages get o the point of disconnect. A ws is often avoidant for example so it makes it hard to resolve conflict or be vulnerable together.

So, to me, the answer is always the same. Sit down and have a conversation. Tell her how you feel. Tell her what you want instead.

Because the affair was so long ago and likely buried in the process of raising kids and just trying to survive. Today you have different resources- more time because the kids are gone (and it wouldn’t surprise me if this has some to do with the loneliness hitting full throttle- kids camouflage a lot in a marriage because the focus is on them), probably different financial resources for therapy, and it’s possible your wife has matured in those years and may actually give you a truth you aren’t expecting.

And maybe it’s too late for the two of you, maybe it would just be a relief to move in. But none of that is going to become clear until you sit down and let her know all that you just told us.

We get one life. Don’t squander it by always thinking you are too old to start again. I have plenty of friends who feel in love in their 60’s. Heck, my dear mother in law lost her husband at 60 and went in to have two great lives after that. The last 15 years of her life was with someone she was the most compatible with of all. They were very happy together.

So stop selling yourself short. You still have all the options you had then in front of you. It starts with a conversation with her. Don’t suffer in silence.

(((HealingNow))) I'm so sorry I limbo'd for too long in my M, but eventually cut the cord.

I am a believer that this is the case for most marriages after infidelity. I think true R is rare especially getting the attraction and intimacy back.

I saw my parents stay together miserably (they are still miserable) after my mom's multiple A's. I was staying in a miserable M due to fear of D and breaking up my family. I finally came to the realization I didn't want to live out my life the way my parents did. I have never looked back.

Divorce was the answer to my freedom and happiness. While I struggle financially at times it's still worth it. Even being alone at 50 has been worth it. I did finally find a partner who has been amazing to me and given me hope for love again, but I truly would be fine being alone too.

Being free from an inauthentic M I can't even put a price on it. Best decision I have ever made.

In hindsight, I should have made a clean break. Taken the financial hit. Started a new life.

I share this sentiment although I stayed for 10 years through a combination of hubris, misplaced hyper responsibility, desperation (never a good place to operate from), concern for my then young children, immaturity of a young huband and father, etc. Those were the hardest years of my life and I paid a terrible price.

You can still move on. I did. Im in a strong, meaningful and loving relationship with an exceptional woman. She too is a survivor of a past brutal bettrayal.

Regardless of your past and current/future path, I wish you well.

[This message edited by DobleTraicion at 12:43 PM, Friday, March 1st]