SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

As DDay happened a few months ago, not sure this is the right forum. I already took steps to heal and started the D process, to get out of the nightmare I was living in. I thought things were moving forwards, that I was healing. Took steps: Separated from my WW, having supportive friends and parents, D process is started. Though recently I found out that I wasn't doing oke. The whole situation left me scarred, I still have lots to process. Was looking for similar stories and how people dealt with it, and found this site.

Here is my story, hopefully writing about it will help me process.

My WW is a christian, I was not at the time we were dating. That caused some uproar in her family and society as her religion warns about marring a non-christian. Later I discovered she kept the relationship a secret for a while, lied when we met. It caused me some worry as I wishes to support her. Her parents are D as her Father is a WS himself. Her fathers A caused great damage in her family and personally, she hates him for that. I thought as she experienced the pain herself she will never turn out to be like her father.

Entered the marriage both a virgin, I took study to become a christian myself. We had some setbacks, her fathers A and abuse caused mental issues, which came to light in the Marriage. Eventually she had therapy, medicine and diagnosed multiple mental disorders and issues, which stacked up over the years. Autism, Fibromyalgia, ADHD, PTSD, BPD. I had a horse riding accident, for which she claimed I was changed afterwards. (She is the only one who claims that)

She started her own company as she had a hard time with her current job and wanted the freedom of being your own boss, put lots of our money into it. Five and a half years into our marriage I was baptised and became a full member of the christian society. She was so proud. The next 2 months we didn't had much time together as she was reforming her company, starting to do field jobs at events. Also trying to become a professional photographer. She attended a 3 day event where she spend the night at a local motel. The last night the nights she met a foreign man, which gave her butterflies by lifting her. She said not to worry as he is gay and traveling the world.

The next day we went on holiday with my parents, as she neglected me due her busy schedule she promised me that this holiday will catch up for missed time. Instead she was constantly on the phone chatting with him and some other guys. She often left me to take pictures, or to send some message. I felt less important than her phone. She started me to ask some odd questions like what is incognito. How do you say this in English in order to chat with him. (English is not our native language)

This continued after the holidays, when we were intimate I felt like she was faking it. It turned me off, making it fail. She talked about partying, something she always wanted to try. She had dinner plans with some colleagues after which they were going to party. The dinner got canceled, though she still wished to party. She mentioned briefly that guy was in the country, I was glad she already had plans in another city. She claimed she stayed with a female colleague who lived in the neighborhood. Next week she went to a meetup for some field job, I went to bed early and woke up alone. She went partying again. She met a new female friend there. She said not to worry as she stayed with an older female colleague. She was gone for the next day too. I found it suspicious as that colleague did not strike me as a partying type, even more odd that she offered a bed whenever she party again.

Then DDay 1 happened, I was doing the laundry and found a receipt her buying a stay over kit and condoms. I was devastated, found evidence that my gut feeling wasn't off. I confronted her, she claimed to have bought it for a friend and was no longer in possession. I found it odd though she promised me she was faithful, so gave her the benefit. The next week she was gone a lot.

DDay 2: A week and a half later, during a special meeting of our christian community she told me she had a confession to make. Back at home together with a friend which also supported her mom during her D, she confessed to a ONS with a complete stranger which she had no contact with. I had confirmation, confirming my fear and gut feeling. Though I suspected an A instead of a ONS. Asked about the condoms again and she said it was nothing, like she told. And even more odd she didn't had him as contact as she made contacts with everyone she met at the time. I was going for a R, though she said not to trust her, she tasted something she shouldn't, I deserve better and we should D. I was confused as I was willing to forgive her.

She was gone a lot, I had a gut feeling she was lying where she went. I also found a receipt placing her at an airport and an hotel. Odd, though with her jobs at events it could be she needed to be there with valid reasons. I started to collect evidence. The therapist started the diagnoses of bi-polar, which we suspect was the cause of the ONS. I started to think I was paranoid and should trust her, so I made the mistake to destroy most of the evidence. She make me promise to not look at certain places, her note book tracking her bi-polar/mood, her private stuff as she found it invasive. I noticed she was secretive on her phone. Nagging to go partying which I forbid her to prevent another bi-polar induced mistake, she was free to go anywhere else.

She asked me to help with her bi-polar/mood note book. Though she hid some parts of it while doing so. I was curious why. Figuring I was helping her filling that book, I checked it to help her better. Then I discovered the events page, and what effect it had on her mood. All events were written out, discussions with me as negative, hobbies and jobs positive. Fair I guess as we are in a though spot, then I noticed Initials as a very positive event. I became more suspicious though I still gave her the benefit of doubt. Then she requested her own room, had a fight over it because we already went over budget and we discussed it earlier and deemed it not necessary. I gave in and in two days we cleared a spare room and made her a own.

DDay 3: Same week she had a cough at the time and said she couldn't join the gathering of our religion. She made me promise to go without her, odd request as I always go. That day she did extreme self care, showering make up, wearing lingerie. Extensive cleaning of the house even doing chores she normally doesn't do, or only when someone is going to visit. (I do almost the whole household) The red flags were stacking up. She even said I should stay longer and call when I was back. I told my best friend there, who I disclosed everything. I went back as soon the gathering ended without notice. She was watching her show on the couch I asked how her evening was. She claimed to have binge watched. I knew it was a lie as I knew what episode she was before I left, she was halfway through the next. Sleeping apart, next day I checked her room and found condoms in her drawer and a towel with organics in a new box under the bed, folded just like when we are intimate. Recorded the evidence and confronted her again. She claimed to have misplaced them. The towel was just used for cleaning herself. Very odd as they are the only misplaced items by her extensive cleaning. I noticed I didn't trust her, was I paranoid, damaged? I said for the first time, I feel its better to D. Then she did something unexpected, she sat on my lap, went through my hairs and praised me for it. Wanting a D. Saying its the best course, she is proud of me making that decision. She only cried when she mentioned that she has difficulties finding housing. After she updated the notebook I kind of expected the same initials to appear, though instead a new set appeared that day as highly positive event, while she didn't left the house. I checked her bags, which were clean. Also odd after that day she wanted to sleep in the same bed again?

DDay 4:Next Saturday my parents hosted a family dinner, they were unaware of our situation as requested by W. We went to tell them so they know things were not good between us. My W told them explicitly that she had no longer feeling for me, not for over a year. She said she had hurt me, though made it seem like a minor thing. During the dinner she was constantly on the phone even though she was asked not to. She was worried about the brother of the young women she met during partying. I knew they were chatting (a lot) but she made it sound like she thinks he is an idiot. He had a bad experience while partying. His sister asked her to help looking for him as he went to the city alone. I asked why couldn't she or her parents go. Parents were unaware of his drug use, and the sister didn't had a license. (Which was odd as WW told earlier that she had been in her car, WW drove as her new friend wasn't feeling sober.) I asked for proof of the request. She scrolled down her contact lists and showed a clean chat. Claiming that snap deletes messages after read. (Still odd it doesn't show in recent contacts.) Then I asked her to show his chat. She hesitated and went to the bathroom as she needed to go badly all the sudden. Of course she came back with a clean chat. Though I got what I needed: his name. I let her go as promised and found out who she was with and which city he lived. Next day I found suspicious organics (fresh) in her underwear, she changed right after she got back. She was back early as we scheduled to do something together. (I do the laundry so I know all about her stains). Next day I disclosed all events to my parents. The day after I took a day off and decided to inform my MIL, she was devastated, though glad I told her. I claimed it was only indirect proof but it was piling up. She noticed the same pattern in her daughter as her WH.

DDay 5: Next day I found a way to access her timeline, to see where she went. It confirmed my suspicion about the initial along with some other shocking discoveries. Her deception and lies were far worse than I ever imagined. She went to him quite frequently. Lied about visiting friends and family going on work or jobs. Also going to an additional unknown adres twice while she claimed to be at her grandparents. I discovered the adres of the new initial on DDay3 too. In addition instead of partying with her colleagues she went to an hotel and slept there, next morning she went to the airport right after. I suspected she met up with that foreign guy she met. In addition I found condoms in her bag which wheren't there a week before.

Day after there was also something odd. During the gathering of our religion, she was constantly on the phone. I noticed she was snapping with an ex colleague. I knew she mentioned multiple times she found him handsome and a shame he didn't had a girlfriend. She tried to convince him to do a fotoshoot with him though he refused, she found him a coward because of that. After the service we went to bed, she to her own room. Normally she is cold and goes under the blankets though I discovered her half naked on top of the bed with her phone. The lights were on for quite a long while. Later I noticed a new initial to have appeared in the book as highly positive event, his initials. She didn't leave the house.

Day after I was planning to bust her, following her pattern the day afterwards she would meet up. This day she had an event in the other side of the country I would go by train to meet her halfway, though due a person-train collision I couldn't get there. I apologized and went home as I had no way reaching her. She claimed to be tired and was going to make multiple stops, keep me updated. At home I warmed up some dinner. She didn't update me for a while, so I checked where she went to discover that she had one small stop and drove directly to him. At the same time she texted me she had a few stops left but takes it easy as she was extremely tired. (She literally passed our town to get there, longer drive) I assembled the team to bust her. Though when assembled she was already on her way back. So instead we did a confrontation. Asking her why she lied. She couldn't give a proper explanation. Claiming she went there for the female friend she met partying. Nothing happened. All times she is been there was for her. (First we gave her the benefit, though later we realized there were inconsistencies in her story.

The next day I let her go to the female friend as she was kind of Honest. She came back with a present, claiming that was a Christmas gift from work, they received but had no use for it. We agreed to track each others location.

DDay 6 I still didn't trust her version of the accounts but had no proof. She refused me meeting her female friend as she claims she is a shy delegate person. A stay in house kind of women. (Who she met partying?) A week later she was gone in the evening and I noticed she stopped sharing her location. I was suspicious, so I went with a friend to his place. I wanted to know what is truth and not. I found his dad at the door, introduced myself and had a small talk. He confirmed that WW went there for him, had barely contact with his sister who WW claims to meet. Goes partying with him. Whether they were intimate he couldn't tell. Though I now knew she lied again. Back home, WW arrived she was closed off, when I told her I had a confession to make that I visited his place. She was furious, she knew. Said that I didn't know what I did and stuff. That I do not have a clue. Odd enough days later she wished to sleep next to each other again, she kind of forced me to by crying, being clingy and stuff.

She had a new years event she was working at, as it was finished late and had a shift in another city next morning she asked whether she could stay with an hotel. I was kind of oke with that, I had confirmation of that event and times. She booked an hotel and named the same brand as the hotel earlier. Which got me suspicious. Curiosity took the overhand and I checked her mail, just for the booking. I discovered she went to an hotel that was actually way of the way. And a luxurious room. Close to where he lived. And she would be literally saving traveling time both ways if she slept at home. It was further from home, and further from the shift next day. I confronted her, she said it was no detour, and its nothing. Though I had trouble trusting her. I asked If it was oke if we go there together I meet up with her share a room. Trying to R. After all we slept in the same bed for days now. She refused. I said I was worried she would meet up with someone. Still refused. She came with a compromise I can come and see her enter the hotel alone. That wouldn't help either. That night I noticed she checked in early. I was devastated. I called her mom and we went to the hotel to have a talk. The hotel staff didn't let me enter the building even though I was her spouse. I called her, I wanted to talk with her. Finally she agreed meeting up outside she was perparing to shower she said. (Just before midnight?) I told her I found it odd. She claimed the event was canceled. (Which turned out to be true) I asked her to let me check her room and then I will be gone. Though she refused to let me in. We were walking in circles so I left. I didn't believe in R anymore.

I told her I wanted a D and contacted a mediator. Then all of the sudden after all those weeks I tried to R, she wanted to D. She didn't want to D anymore and claimed to fight for our marriage. I was so confused.

The next week she talked about visiting him again, I didn't think it was a good idea. She claimed nothing happend, they were nothing. (She had more frequent contact with him then we were dating, which she also kept a secret and denied we had anything) There was one suspicious event which apparently I sabotaged by giving mixed signals. We tried to do something together, she initiated it. Though she left me quite early on the date to cellogeus help out as she had been working there. Leaving me alone. She fetched me some drink and brought me something I never drink but she likes. She lied about the frequency of contact with him. I saw from the corner of my eyes when she was texting him. They had whole conversations. Caught some partial sentences. Like "Am I not important enough?", "Next evening".

One day she went to work early. She said I love you and was gone. She turned, I had a gut feeling and checked her location to discover it being off when she left. I lost the will to live. I couldn't take it no longer, the deception the lies, she being kind to me and betraying me right after. Saying I am her soulmate. Just when her shift started like predicted she was online again. I decided I could no longer live with her. So I went to my parents place, arranged an emergency meeting with my parents and her mom. (WW Family is very supportive for me) As we couldn't find a place to stay for her, we decided that I stay with my parents where I still am now. I went home, fetched some stuff I need to survive for 3 days as we look for a solution for her. I waited till she was home to tell her I am leaving. She yelled at me. I left before I could say I am going through with the D. As she was unreasonable.

We cooled down a bit. MIL took over the care for her. She stayed in our house. I tried to tell her I want to go through with D. In meanwhile I secured my finances and most important accounts. Started to pay here some living money. We finally arranged a talk privately where I wanted her to cooperate with D. Instead she was begging me to stay. Saying she changed. Trying to be a better Christian. I knew some days ago she slept over with him. She claimed she was harassed during a company gathering where she had a temporary contract. And had no where to go. She confessed sleeping in the same bed. I was very confused. She said she was sorry but stick with her story of the ONS and denied the A, and all other things I found. I needed time to process that.

Again I went through everything that happened. Listed all con's and pro's of both R and D. And decided I could never trust her again. Our marriage would be in constant threat of infidelity. Even with medical help and therapy. If it happened again she wasn't likely to confess. She could become pregnant, claiming its mine. I saw no future.

Also time away made me realize our marriage was unhealthy for a far longer time. She was gaslighting me ever after my accident. Even before I wondered how honest she was. She done some financial infidelity too. Putting money in her company. I start even to question some events at the start of our marriage. Though it might been innocent back then, it ended up in the situation we are in now. Slowly changing over time till it escalated. I fear she also have NPD into the mix and a tenancy to lie and believing her own twisted reality. As she has no clue how her actions affect me. Hates to loose. Trouble with authority. Presenting her better than she is. Shifting the blame. Wanting to be in the spotlight. I will always be the one who gives, she who takes. I was so blind, though I loved her dearly. Now I resent her. And even now I wish her well, am worried about her.

I do not miss her. It hurt though. I am convinced D is the best option, as she cannot function in a marriage. I thought I was healing, though recently I noticed I still have long road ahead. Am so confused about my feeling. Wish to reduce contract though we have to go through D and I need to help with the cats, as I am worried about their wellbeing. My thought keeps going back to her, and what happened. One of the issues is that I keep crossing paths with her. Its unavoidable as we are in the same community. She gives me that smile each time. Like nothing happened, we still are in love.

I hope writing and sharing my story will help to heal. Maybe find some new things to try which helps me healing from this nightmare.

Some additional information
Already had her tested for STD's: Results were negative.
D is on its way. We have help for that. She is kind of cooperative.
She has therapy and medicine for her bi-polar. (Though I start to think she has a missdiagnoses)
Meeting with friends regularly, family is very supportive.
Still do horse riding.
Taking it a step at a time.

One thing I forgot to mention. I also found evidence her initial confession is also a lie. Her story does not match fysical evidence and timeline. Feels like a cover up for the A and other meetings.

My guess somebody knew as there were rumors along the people she worked with and she had to confess something before I hear it from someone else. So she could change the story.

Still she sticks with that story.

Accidently posted previous message twice

[This message edited by KindnessHasALimit at 9:34 AM, Monday, March 4th]

Wow she has really put you through the wringer. Sorry for your pain. She is a serial cheater, I think you know you have nothing to work with. Plenty of people with bipolar don’t cheat, that’s just a convenient excuse imo. Divorce and no contact is the only option to save your sanity. If you don’t have kids with her consider yourself lucky. You can make a complete break and put the whole nasty mess in the past.

On the Christian angle remember that even Jesus approved of divorcing a WW on the grounds of adultery. It’s in the gospel of Matthew.

Welcome to SI and I'm sorry that you've had to find us. If you haven't already done so, please read the posts pinned at the top of the forum. There are also some really good posts marked with bullseye icons that are good. The Healing Library has a lot of information, including the list of acronyms we use.

It sounds like you have a lot to unpack, as your WW's (wayward wife's) long-term lying will have an impact on you. If you can, IC (individual counseling) with somebody who has betrayal trauma experience might be helpful. I'm not sure what it would be called in your country.

When you say BPD, do you mean bipolar disorder or borderline personality disorder? My sister has ADD and bipolar disorder, and she hasn't cheated. If she has borderline personality disorder, the pathological lying can stem from that.

It takes years to heal from infidelity, so be kind to yourself at this time. If you have trouble sleeping or with depression, please see a doctor for medications.

KHAL

Welcome brother and you have all of our support! Your WW's story is one of the most wrenching ones I've heard in a while!

Jajaynumb,

Wow she has really put you through the wringer.

Tip of my cap for the right spelling. Always appreciate this.

Hi, welcome to SI. Sorry you are now a member of this not so exclusive club.

You are making the right choice getting a divorce. I'm surprised you didn't act sooner as it's obvious your wife is a master liar and manipulator. She's been cheating for a very long time.

It may not seem like it, but you are dodging a huge bullet, imagine if you had children, your situation would be much more complicated.

Has she confessed to her pastor and Christian family and friends?

I suggest you find a good counselor who can guide you to get your life back on track. Exercise helps and a supportive family definitely helps.

Take time to read the articles in the Healing Library, chock full of great information.

Holy cow man you have been lied to and cheated on and gaslighted and manipulated for far too long. I am glad you are moving forward with divorce. She is toxic and unhealthy for you. Look at how crazy it has made you feel. Where does your religion stand on all of this?

Thanks all for the support, appriciate it. I already read some articles here, though its a lot to take in. I keep reading though. I am glad we do not have Kids. Due her mental health and me not being baptized we decided to wait. As her health was not improving we decided to try regardless. I thank God we failed to conceive.

With BPD I refer to Borderline Personality Disorder. She is now also diagnosed for Bi polar tough I start to believe that one is misdiagnosed.

It's true the Bible condemns adultery, it's a severe sin. It's a valid Biblical reason for D. I am quite lucky she confessed to the ONS, even if it's a false confession as we have a two witness rule or undeniable proof. This to prevent abuse of the escape. My MIL wasn't that lucky. And I doubt she will confess again.

She also confessed that ONS to the Elders. As she showed some remorse, though failed to take blame. They gave her the benefit due her mental disorder. And gave her the lightest penalty, some light restrictions like not being able to have a word during service till she recovers spiritually. An short announcement was made not giving any details except she have been corrected. With the new evidence, they feel played, though lacking a second witness to act on it. They keep a close watch on her. She now seems very active and faithful all the sudden though she is not out of trouble yet.

About the time span all events happened in a few months. She totally escalated.

In July I got baptized.

Mid September she met the Foreign guy during an event. Who she claims is gay. (Later she mentioned he had an indian girlfriend) I suspect it all started here, he introduced her and guided her in this wicked way of living. (I think, only have circumstancial evidence that points this way) As from that day I started to feel something is off. She also appeared to have new knowledge about sex. Her behavior changed, buying lingery and stuff.

End October went to the unknown adress twice while claiming to be somewhere else. Also went to the hotel, I guess to meet up with him again. Explaining the trip to the airport after.

Begin November she met that AP during partying, claiming to met his sister and stayed over, day after she bought the stay over kit and condoms. She met him multiple times a week afterwards with various excuses.

End November she lied about a job and spend the afternoon with someone. The guy from DDay 3.

Mid December DDay 3 happened. Looks like she met up with the new guy in our house.

New years eve was the second odd hotel visit. I think it's the Foreign guy again. Though she claimed to be alone. Strangely her attitude changed when I mentioned she could have met up with the AP. (Lie on my side to see her reaction) She calmed down and told me I could ask him if I like. She was confident that he will deny as it's the truth.

Mid January I left her. Going to my parents place.

Early februari we had the first meeting with the mediator for D.

The Gaslighting as far I can tell was going on for far longer. Accident was in end 2019. Ever since she and only she claimed I wasn't the same. That I had changed in bed too. Though I have no evidence that infidelity happened at the time. She lied sometimes about her bank account which only she had access to. Made a huge purchase without telling me as she was joining a community for women starting their own companies. Though otherwise I believe her to be faithfull till that foreign guy enabled her. She might had fantasies though judging from the movies she watched.

For IC I had some in January though it stopped as I had no clue how to continue and things started to improve. Though now I notice some PTSD symptoms starting to show up. So I am considering though unsure how to proceed.

[This message edited by KindnessHasALimit at 6:40 AM, Tuesday, March 5th]

You can divorce her and go no contact with her. That will probably mean you leaving your church and joining another parish. You don’t need to stay in contact with her after the abuse she has put you through. It won’t help your healing.

She's not complicated but her lies and deceit are. She's just your ordinary everyday lying cheater and you will be so much better off without her. Try to hurry the divorce process along while she is still deep in the throes of cheating. I can almost guarantee there will come a time that she wakes up and begs you to take her back. Please don't do that. Untangle yourself from this mess and go on to live your very happy life.

FunHouseMirror, you are absolutely correct and your advice is spot on. She’s not even that good a liar! *cough* "I need to stay home from church because I’m sick." *cough* "Just ignore that I’m getting ready for a hot date, and call before you come home so I can have the other guy out of here before you get back."

OP, you were even aware of her deceptions already, why did you fall for this?!? What you should have done is left, drove a few blocks away, waited an appropriate amount of time, then returned home with your phone recording and caught them in the act! Even better, it get detected, hand that file over to your lawyer, then emptied out all your stuff into a trailer when your wife gets served.

Changing to the other neighbouring congregation brings its own set of problems as my WW's Father, also a WH, goes there. As there is no two withness testimony, he is free to go. And my MIL left him in the dark about what happened. He is not even aware of the D. I told MIL that he will find out eventually, though it is not up to me to tell him. Also the congregation I am in is very supportive. Most do not know what is going on, some do know bits and pieces. A few Elders knows what I have uncovered. They know personality and my love I used to have for her.

FunHouseMirror, she did indeed beg me for coming back. Just when I wanted to tell her that one way or another the D was coming. Days after my MIL busted her at the AP's place. She claimed she had been harassed during an event, felt unsafe and he was the only one available. (Funny thing I have heard this story 3 times, exactly with the exact same words. Is this reversed? And she did turn off her location tracking.) This happened in January after I left her. (He still lives at his parents place) She said she realized she hurt me. And she was changed. Cut off all contacts she had. Deleted snap. Will do anything for R. It will never happen again. Almost fell for it. As far I could tell she did remove him and others from social media. Though it was all too late, she already destroyed my trust.

I still do not trust her though she seems normal now and then. Like the wife I used to know. Then again this weekend I noticed some oddities around the house. I fear she is deceiving again. If she would be busted again chances are she will be excommunicated. I hope it doesn't come to that. It would mean her family even her mom will limit contact, as she is a serial sinner without remorse. She already stated she might commit suicide if that happens. I do not want that. Also even if she do not end her live it will complicate the D. FunHouseMirror is right I should focus of getting this D done without delay.

About the event at our place. PickleRick you are right in retrospective I should have turned around and bust her. At the time I only had a few pieces of the puzzel. The receipt, a gut feeling and some initials in her notebook. I didn't even knew what Gaslighting was. Wished I discovered this site earlier. Also I did heavily question my reality, is this really happening or am I paranoid due the confession she made. She was quite convincing, just enough to make me doubt it all. In addition I still hoped for R.

Regardless I did some things in order to bust her during that event just in case. I turned on the sentry mode of our doorbell so I would get a notification when someone entered though the front door. I also did all laundry after she showered so when she made something dirty I would notice. I watched the front door closely when I was away. Nobody came through, figured he could have easily come from the back. Only thought about that when I was away. Luckly by doing the laundry I forced her to hide the towel which I found in a box under her new bed. So at least that action was fruitful. And I had another piece to the puzzel.

Pretend that a friend is telling you that this is what is going on in his life. What advice would you give?

Dr. Ramani has some YouTube videos on narcissistic abuse, and other personality disorders that mentally abuse others. You may wish to watch a few. I started with the ones that were under 20 minutes because I couldn't concentrate for very long. (I'd watch about 5-10 minutes, have to rewind some, and go again.) She really helped me understand what was going on. My XWH is diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). Also, personality disorders are difficult to treat because that is who the person is.

Like the wife I used to know.

This person probably never existed. Given the amount of lying and gaslighting, she was wearing a mask and now you're learning who she really has been all along.

One of the next phases is called love bombing, where she will want to shower you with all kinds of attention and be very sweet. It's intermittent reinforcement and is a manipulative tactic. This can also cause you to become trauma bonded, which is very similar to co-dependency. Dr. Ramani has a really good YouTube that discusses the brain chemistry involved, but she puts it in easy to understand terms.

Do you want normal now and then or do you want to be happy?

You already know she continually lies to and cheats on you. You don't have to prove anything more. Don't let your lying wife or your church hold you back. Please get yourself out of this situation. You can find actual happiness with someone who does deserve you.

leafields

This person probably never existed. Given the amount of lying and gaslighting, she was wearing a mask and now you're learning who she really has been all along.

That is what MIL said about her WH. I kind of find it difficult to separate what is truth and what is mask. Which part of the marriage was a lie? Was it only recent?

At one point it felt like she have 2 or more distinct personalities. One which wants to be a Christian, caring and a good wife. The other who dislike the restrictions set by the Bible, is selfish, and does and takes whatever she wants. Which one was active depended heavily on who and where she was. I even wondered whether my baptism played a role to get the other out. Though who is who, who is the mask and who is the real her?

She did tell me she used to live a double life when she went to school.

Was she only playing to be a Christian because her family expected so? She hated it when I went to a holiday, which our religion claims a true Christian should not join. Was that true? Now she tries to be the good Christian again.

I question so many things about our marriage now. She is complex in the sense I cannot figure out what is true or not. What part is caused by mental issues and what part is just how she is. Did she took advantage of me? I did everything for her. Even studied to become a Christian myself. Now I am baptized she goes Wayward? It's hard to proces.

I am going through with the D. I guess I will never know and will never feel safe with her.

[This message edited by KindnessHasALimit at 11:19 AM, Wednesday, March 6th]

KindnessHasALimit, I'm going to give you my perspective, and it's one you may not appreciate but should hear anyway.

If religion means something to you, then good for you. But as someone who has studied theology long enough (at least twenty two years now), I've left the faith behind. It's a social construct, restricting you while enriching the church. I think you might want to take a good hard look at what you've endured.

You weren't a Christian, and they judged you for it. Were they acting like good Christians? No, they were using their religion to beat you down and submit. Then they abused you and glossed over it. You've been victimized, heavily-pressured to change your beliefs, and you've lost who you are.

Don't worry about finding a new church. Take some time off and rebuild yourself. If in the future you decide that you want to go back, that will be a decision you make for yourself. But try to find some clarity without the dogma clouding your judgment.

Started reading on NPD, trauma bonding and codependancy. Some intresting reads there. So far I am not entirely sure how much of it applies to my situation though. Might explain why I fell for her lies. Why I doubted my reality. She did show some NPD traits. Though does that make her NPD? I initially fell in love of her kind hearted spirit.

There is currently a situation with our oldest cat. He is sick, he cannot keep his food in for days now. Went to the vet, blood showed an infection. Unfortunatly we require to communicate about the treatment if possible. Might be better to put it down. She is devastated by it, as that cat has sentimental value to her. I also love that cat, we always cuddle. I find it hard as in situations like this I would normally comfort her. Now I fight that impulse, as I fear bonding with her. I still seem to care and at the same time I am afraid of her. I try to keep contact to a minimum.

About religion. I already have a hard time processing the betrayal. I feel like if I quit now things get more complicated. Currently for me it's a safe place to be. Her family did judge her for dating me. Though they took me in after we married, after they came to know me. Was my wife wrong for pushing me? Definitely! Though it was my decision to get baptized, I took my time to get there. Trying to figure out what I want. I want to do good, be a good man and husband. Now things has changed I take my time to reconsider what it means for me. How religion affects me and the healing process. Feel like I should not make a rash decision about that.

Sorry about your sick cat. My son's dog, who I raised for 6 years, now has diabetes and has gone blind. I got to watch her this past weekend, and it was happy and sad. I'm sad because I don't think she'll be with us long and I love her so much. It was happy because she is adjusting to her blindness so well. She was at my house and got around very well.

Discussions regarding religion can be a bit touchy. Please be sure to stay within the guidelines. I understand, though. I was mad for several years because I thought my higher power had my back. Let's just say that I learned more about wolves in sheep's clothing than I ever wanted to learn.

Narcissism is a reflection of the cheater's selfishness. A person can display narcissism but not have NPD. There is some overlap of symptoms between NPD and BPD, so it could just be a part of your WW's BPD. Her kind hearted spirit may have been the idealization phase, which is also part of what somebody with NPD does.

Sorry to hear about your dog, leafields. Hope you will have some more precious time and good memories with him. Pets are like family. Good to hear he is adapting to his blindness, able to cope with his new situation.

Our sick cat was not treatable, so we had to put him down today. Got to say goodbye with my WW. She was devastated, I was sad as I loved that cat. She respected my boundaries and we both had to say goodbye in a respectfull manner.

There is just one thing that bugs me. She said she wouldn't go horseriding tonight, as she was emotional and stuff. And yet it seems she went somewhere tonight, not the stables as she left too late for that. I try not to care, though its hard as the D is not finalized, she even causes some delay. And put our wedding pictures in plain sight. At least I have another reminder she isn't trustworthy.

[This message edited by KindnessHasALimit at 11:05 PM, Friday, March 8th]