SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

If you haven’t known about limerence, now is the time. You have already looked at bs stories on here so you are familiar with the usual songs and dances ws do/say. What you might not know is why you are having such a difficult time trying to get her to see reality. It is because her common sense has been hijacked by a bunch of feel good hormones. His texts, phone calls, in person sightings give her those highs which become addictive. You are trying to reason with someone who you can see but who has figuratively left the room.

You can’t control her, only yourself.

Do not let this stress wreck your health. Eat, sleep, exercise moderately. See a dr if you need help with anxiety.

Sunrise80 you have a p.m.

One of the most difficult thinks to accept is that it’s in her hands.

I encourage you to switch glasses and read the responses to your posts…

The ONLY decision that is 100% in HER hands is if she chooses the OM over the marriage.

The decision to reconcile is equally in your hands and hers.

The decision to refuse to accept sharing your wife is totally 100% in YOUR hands.

Like I shared:

You are both adults, you are both free to do whatever you decide to do, but you are both free to refuse to accept behaviors that you don’t agree with.

and

BUT NOT AS MY WIFE.

If you want me and our marriage you need to let me know, and do so directly and verbally.

When you tell her she needs to commit to him or you, she needs to give an answer. No answer is an answer… Like if she doesn’t clearly tell you that she chooses the marriage and then enters a dialogue on how you two can reconcile… she’s just telling you without words she’s chosen OM.

You then have your answer. You have already told her you refuse to share, and therefore you accept that your next actions are towards ending the marriage.

Don’t fear divorce. It’s a perfectly acceptable way out of infidelity. However… its not instantaneous. If you start the process now it’s going to take months. It’s not as if you have to go file NOW or start selling the house or whatever. It is however important to adapt the mentality that your future is not with your wife if she has chosen to be with OM. No more budgets to maximize savings, no more joint expenses, no renewing of vehicles or planning of family holidays.

When she realizes you are serious… there is a chance she might want to come back. At that point it’s your call. Or… she might be so happy with OM that your marriage just runs its course. Either way it beats sharing your wife.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 2:14 PM, Tuesday, February 27th]

Yes Bigger, so many realizations begin to take shape in my mind as I go here. Here’s another thought that I haven’t brought up yet. From a financial standpoint, I will recover pretty quickly from a divorce. I understand what the local laws are, and how things will play out. From some comments she has made, I don’t think she quite understands the laws as well. Suffice it to say, she cannot afford to survive on her own, just based on alimony from me. She would have to very quickly move in with her AP, and that is far from a done deal, no matter where their relationship has gone. He has teenagers at home, and I don’t think it’s likely for him to accept a new woman to suddenly show up and live with them so abruptly.

So then, the other thing that comes to mind a lot is that she will start to realize what situation she is putting herself in. And I will be damned if she decides to come back to me solely for financial reasons. I obviously do not want her in my life do those reasons. So I am already preparing for that shift in her thinking, and I have to be able to discern her motivations.

And I will be damned if she decides to come back to me solely for financial reasons. I obviously do not want her in my life do those reasons.

THAT, is the hardest thing to figure out entering into reconciliation. What is their real motivation? Is it pragmatism, fear, are you their Plan-B, their fallback position, are they staying for the kids, are they staying for appearances, or is it because they truly desire to be with you over anyone else?

You will be trying to figure that out months into reconciliation, IF YOU DECIDE TO GO THIS ROUTE. It will be almost ever present on your mind.

It seems to me reading here, because I have no experience myself in a successful reconciliation, is that it takes a tremendous effort to reconcile. It takes palpable devotion evident by consistent actions, with progressive improvement over time.

You have to be truly devoted to successfully mount and sustain this level of effort. Those WSs with less than altruistic motives, burn out after a couple months, become resentful, bitter, progressively impatient, intolerant of the BS’s PTSD related symptoms, triggers, depression, repetitive questioning, low libido, tentative trust, etc.

A truly devoted WS seems to be more resilient to set backs. When they get knocked on their ass, they come back fighting. They seem to be constantly improving their approach based on feedback, AND ONGOING COUNSELING. They’re proactive and actively solicit yours and qualified outside feedback. They’re lovingly patient, empathic, and enter into R with few conditions, just grateful for the precious and fleeting opportunity to reconcile.

NOW, very few WS come out of an affair with their shit together, to this, almost superhuman, degree. There is usually a learning curve, a big learning curve that involves setbacks and mistakes made. As a BS, you’re looking for a positive progression, trend with continuous improvement overall.

And as Bigger said, don’t fear divorce. That too is an excellent way out of infidelity. I took this route, and my family has recovered, emotionally and financially, and I am now very happily remarried.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 9:52 PM, Tuesday, February 27th]

Well I suppose I have set the tone, and as difficult as it may be, I have to stand by that and not do anything to make her see reason or to win her back. I also do not want to bring up anything financial, even if she asks. I always had a theory, if I won the lottery, how I would handle family and friends. Those who have not been quite so close to me, I would want to reach out to connect with them, with no knowledge of my new fortune. Those who don’t respond in a genuine way toward my friendship would only become close to me out of greed once they found out I’m rich.

I am not afraid of divorce due to financial reasons any more than fear of being alone. I mentioned before that I know I will recover from that. If she hasn’t already added up the financial reality, she soon will and it should scare her. So I am being as quiet as I can about all that. Feeling that if she is going to snap out of this and decide to try a true R with me, she needs to do so for the right reasons.

I’m a few days in to this 180 philosophy. A couple observations of note:

It’s hard! I understand the concept and why it’s important to hold the line. I admit that internally, I keep wishing she might break down and all this could begin to change. Our communication has been limited, but when I get a message from her, like I did last night, I felt hope inside that she was trying to extend an olive branch. But then, I slowed my brain down long enough to re-read our messages and realized she really was not. In fact the only thing she tried to point out was that she has been feeling sick all week and I don’t care.

I realize she was trying to bait me with something there. The other things she has said during these past few days has entailed believing I am unstable and she’s worried about me and I scare her. Talk about classic projection. Part of me worries that she’s trying to build some case of domestic abuse so that if push came to shove, she could ask a judge to have me removed from the home. So I am aware and cautious. I may even begin recording a couple conversations if we have them.

Working nights, it’s very quiet and I have too much time on my hands. I don’t know if there’s a point to it but I’ve gone over a lot of past conflicts we’ve had. It has helped put some perspective on things for me too. But yes, that is something for myself and not to share with her right now. I also spoke with a counselor yesterday, again for me and not us. I don’t think he’s a good fit but I’ll find the right one.

I asked my three kids to come over for a brunch on Sunday. I didn’t tell them anything that’s going on yet and I’m not sure what if anything I’ll say then. But I do plan on giving my WW the courtesy of knowing that today and I do expect a reaction from her. Most likely her suggesting that I go to one of their homes instead because things are what they are here. Also, I know she will be very curious what exactly I’m going to tell them, she definitely will fear if they find out the truth. But that’s too bad. My life has to move forward and my kids are obviously so important to me. I will use due care to not turn the tables and expect them to parent me. But yes I need their love and support too.

It’s been five days since I last updated here. Sure feels like longer. I would bet most would agree here that going through this makes time stand still sometimes.

So I am thinking today with the resolve that’s been growing in my mind, and curious what people think, am I being too hasty? I have read a lot about the process and how sometimes it really takes a while to get your WS to stop what they’re doing and recommit.

I guess for me, I don’t have a whole lot of tolerance for my WW when things have already blown up. If you recall from my story, I had my own WH moment more than three years ago, what amounted to a brief EA with an old friend. I had become very uncomfortable with the situation I had created and did not want for it to continue, and it was discovered by my W anyway. The shock of the discovery made it very easy for me. I went NC immediately and recommitted to my W. So I am having a very difficult time dealing with this, three weeks post D-day, and she is still lying and hiding things.

She has insisted that her relationship with the OM has magically switched back to platonic and she brushes off my demands that she needs to go NC. Although I have backed off during my 180, she is certainly going to lengths to hide her tracks now. I don’t believe her for a second that she has ended things with him.

The worst part of it all is her illness. She has battled cancer for more than two years. Tomorrow she has a scan to check a lesion that was detected in December. I am hopeful of course that it is non-cancerous and if it is not, all other indications seem to show that she is completely cancer free.

So with all I’ve processed and continued to observe in what she has done (and what she has not done), I feel resigned today that if she is given a clean bill of health tomorrow, I am prepared to tell her I want a D the day after. The damage done before and after D-day gives me little to no hope that we can R. My 180 has produced predictable results, she has gotten angry with me and accused me of being out with other women. She even went so far as to play dumb with my daughter as she reached out and asked her if I was with her. I have now spoken with my own kids, I have not told them about the A, but that we are troubled and may not continue our marriage. All of my kids were immediately understanding and not at all surprised. Even grown up and not at home, they see and sense things.

So I am open to anyone’s thoughts here. Is it too soon to decide on D? Or perhaps is moving forward with the process perhaps the reality check needed for my WW to snap out of this? I’m so all over the place here.

If you don’t believe she ended contact with the AP you have nothing to work with. Divorce is your only real option. You could tell your kids this and start divorce proceedings before the cancer all clear. Otherwise you risk being smeared as that guy who left his wife after she got cancer. Or you end up trapped with her because you feel obligated to care for her.

If, through some miracle, she really does cut this other guy off and commits to real reconciliation you can think about not continuing to pursue the divorce.

  Moving to General

After reading your posts, I really think the shock of you filing for divorce would be your best chance of getting her to NC. I think she thinks you won’t do it.
I’ve been wrong plenty of times before though! But I don’t believe watching and waiting will serve you any purpose at this point. Filings can always be cancelled/put on hold. Dignity and self-respect should never be sacrificed for any goal.

I really do believe it’s time for me to take assertive action. To clarify, she has already been diagnosed and treated for cancer. This test tomorrow is to confirm if the lesion they see is anything to be concerned about or if she’s otherwise showing no more signs of illness.

My suspicion all along is that she has been stalling things and avoiding on her part until she knows what these tests show. If she’s in for another battle, my bet would be that she will want to crawl back to me because she needs my insurance and support and certainly isn’t about to embark on her new fantasy relationship with this going on. So yeah it puts me in such a crappy spot.

I want her tests to come back clear tomorrow. Angry and hurt as I am, I don’t wish that on her. But certainly not just for her own selfish purposes by mine own as well, that would make the optics of filing for D much better. I do believe at this point it’s the only way of shaking the tree and seeing how she reacts. She isn’t even hiding that there is still contact with her AP. It’s just that she’s lying and claiming it’s no longer romantic, and ignoring what I told her, that if she cannot go NC, I will choose divorce.

Sunrise 80 I am very sorry for the pain you are going through. It is so unfair and feels so surreal at times. Nobody deserves it. Unfortunately some people seem to be really immature in their relationships and their communication. And it is so tough when one of those people is the person whom you share a life, a project and a bed with.

I have not read all the thread in detail but I wanted to say to you, and this may sound different from what most people on this website keep saying, that you can try to speak to your other half but consider

1) They can be very good liars and it is not something they do against YOU, it's because of what they protect which they struggle to let go of.
2) They may end up doing what you tell them, BUT do you want a puppet by your side or someone who freely CHOOSES you?
3) A relationship is created by the free willingness of two people to be together, support each other, have a common project.

Having written the above, would you rather stay with someone who does as they are told out of fear (of losing you and of big changes in their lives) or who makes certain choices because they want to? Do you think you have to DEMAND things as in a blackmail or wouldn't it be better to express your deepest wishes and needs and let them free to fulfill them? Be assertive but gentle.

What was she looking for in the other relationship? Is it something that with some (shared) changes you can provide in your relationship? Was it validation, feeling still charming and attractive? Feeling alive? What attracted her to this person?

Molly, for all the so-called "trickle truth" and all the continual deception, it’s still difficult to see exactly what is in her head. I do try to be understanding enough that I get how her illness (it truly did nearly kill her) has left her bedridden so much and has caused a depression. Also she has never really forgiven me for my own stupid indiscretion years ago. I did outline that part in earlier posts.

From the way she has spoken defensively about this now, she says she forgave me too easily. I disagree. She let me back in but it’s been a struggle and it has come up so often over the years still. She almost speaks now as if this is revenge and she doesn’t empathize with the hurt she’s put on me at all.

And I absolutely hear you with how this needs to be mutual. I cannot be her warden and I don’t want her here for no other reason than she feels trapped. And I’m afraid that’s what’s going to bring her back to me.

Molly, for all the so-called "trickle truth" and all the continual deception, it’s still difficult to see exactly what is in her head.

I completely agree with you. Bear in mind that she doesn't know it either. She feels she wants both and you obviously "broke her toy". I am not justifying her, I am just trying to make sense of a the reality.

[This message edited by Molly65 at 10:27 PM, Tuesday, March 5th]

As much as my emotions roll like the tides, I honestly feel right now that she absolutely does not want R with me. I guess I only qualify that with knowing that any dose of reality might just snap her out of that. I’m trying to take a wide angle view of the past couple months. I actually scrolled all the way back to the middle of January in our text message thread. They started talking a lot right then, and it was about a week later that she stopped sending any heart emojis with her texts and she was no longer ending conversations with "I love you".

Im really biting my tongue today. I just cannot wait for her scan results to see where here health status is, because I so badly want to lay down the hammer here. My instincts right now tell me that if I tell her tomorrow that I’m ready for D due to her actions, mostly since D-day, she will respond will indigence. It might take a few days and my following up with action before I see how she really feels. Perhaps she will suddenly understand me. Or perhaps that’s the final push to end us and she can resume following her A.

How’s it going Sunrise?