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Day 4 post D day and I managed not to cry myself to sleep last night for the first time. I still haven’t mentioned anything to him or to anyone and I’m trying to get all my ducks in a row before I do, just in case I decide to leave. Yesterday I was able to look at his phone again and messages from OW saying she is done, she’s sick of being his play thing at work and he has been prioritising his family since ‘she popped’ meaning since I had our second child (who is nearly 8 months old). It seems this A has been going on for years. I did suspect it had been long term but this confirms at least 8 months. My gut tells me it’s a couple of years. The thing that really hurts is that his replies are basically begging her not to leave him and telling her that he loves her. Then he talks to me about our future like we are going to be together forever. Seeing the way he acts towards me at home and knowing he is texting OW on the side has truly been eye opening the last couple of days. I breastfeed my daughter and it disgusts me that he has not only put my health but my daughter’s health at risk for anything that can transfer through my breastmilk. Not to mention this would have been going on during my pregnancy too. I can’t fathom the type of person it takes to do this, the lies and the deception. I don’t believe I know anything about this person anymore. The thing is that even though I’m feeling all of this I’m still not certain I will leave him. I just can’t bear the thought of ripping my children’s life out from under them and then only being able to see them 50% of the time. Is it worth my unhappiness to keep this family together? I feel like I need to give it a go for the sake of my kids. I will ultimately make my decision once I bring it up with him and it will depend a lot on his reaction and the days/weeks following. I’m just so broken right now and still in disbelief. I feel physically ill. We have been together 11 years and we have 2 children.

Welcome to SI FeelingBroken. I'm so sorry you have a need to be here. How devastating to find out you husband has been cheating during your pregnancy and while you're nursing and caring for your precious child. It takes time to process the information you have discovered. You done need to decide what to do right away. Your health and that of your baby need to be your first priority. Do the best you can to eat, drink and sleep. Get tested for STI's if you haven't yet.

Getting your ducks in a row is a great idea. When you do confront him, don't tell him how you know or how much you know. He will most likely lie and minimize the facts. If you can get screen shots from his phone and save them where he can't have access.

My heart goes out to you. Keep posting. We're here for you.

HUGS!!!

Welcome to SI. Very sorry you find yourself here. Please read in the healing library. Get tested for STDs and see an attorney to learn your rights. Take no blame for his cheating. He has been in a long term A, even while you were pregnant. You know he lies. You know you can’t trust what he says right now. When you confront him, stay calm and do have a plan. Take care of you. Eat healthy. Exercise. Read and implement the 180. Get into IC if you can.

Do not allow him to rugsweep or blameshift.

Always value yourself. The goal is to survive infidelity. If he won’t give up his AP, it would be a miserable existence to remain in your M while he is cheating. You deserve a faithful and loving partner. And you would not want to model for your children that you accept a third person in your M

He must write a no contact letter to his AP. If she is married expose to her OBS. He has a lot of work to do to prove he is a worthy partner for you. Keep posting. Others will come along to help. Good luck. You will get through this.

Welcome to SI and I'm so sorry that you're here. Infidelity is so devastating. There are some pinned posts at the top of the forum that are very helpful, as are the posts with bullseye icons. The Healing Library is a great resource and contains the list of acronyms we use. In the ICR (I Can Relate) forum, there's a thread for people whose WS (wayward spouse) was in a LTA (long-term affair).

One of the threads is about recovering before you think reconciliation (R). First, IC (individual counseling) with a betrayal trauma specialist may be helpful for you. My second IC was one, and it made a huge difference in my healing process. Next, he will need IC to work on becoming a safe partner. Later, MC (marriage counseling) may be helpful for working on the M (marriage). Watch your WH's (wayward husband's) actions. His words don't mean much, and he may promise all kinds of things but not follow through.

Also, please go be tested for STDs/STIs because you don't want to get a gift that you'll keep forever or have shorten your life. Eat and stay hydrated, exercise, and take care of you and your children. If you feel that you need help with a sleep aid or depression meds, ask your doctor.

Don't stay merely for the sake of the children. They will adjust. You will be the role model for the behavior they will allow in their future relationships. They will eventually know that something isn't right. My kids are adults and my oldest said that I should have D my XWH (wayward ex-husband) long before.

R is hard work. Many WS don't have it in them to do the hard work, and some do. It will be up to you to decide which path to take. We'll be here to help you get out of infidelity, whether that is R or D.

Thanks everyone for your responses. It helps so much to be able to get all of this off my chest as I’m still undecided on whether I will eventually tell family and friends. I have been avoiding them since I found out but due to see some friends tomorrow, I’m dreading a little as I’ll have to act as if all of fine. But maybe it will be a good distraction. I’m currently waiting for a lawyer to contact me back for a consultation and it is hitting home now, I feel sick. We have a family holiday booked for next week and I’m contemplating waiting until we return before confronting him as my eldest has been so looking forward to going away. I’m wondering is there any harm in delaying the confrontation for a couple of weeks.

You have no obligation to anyone except your children. Decide how you can manage their lives and then do so. If you want to wait until after the holiday then that is what you do.

Confrontations almost never go off as planned. He is going to decide he wants her. Or he might say he wants you and will give her up. Or he lies and does not give her up but goes underground.
You need to be ready for any of those.

It angers me that he is playing fire with you and your children especially your baby.

I hope you have someone in your life you can trust with this info. You need a support system but please use this forum as well.

I always tell bs to look after your health. You need restful sleep. You need nourishment. You need to stay hydrated.

I am so sorry this is happening to you.

Stay strong and true to yourself. We are both going through a rough time in our lives. But please whatever you do. Do NOT blame yourself for a thing. You did NOTHING wrong. You found the right place for support, and info on how to cope. Just remember, it is not the end of the world. Things happen for a reason, there is a silver lining to this. I look at as if it is a damn good thing that I found out now, rather than later. Now you know who the vipers are. This could have went on for years without your knowledge. Better now than later. Sorry to sound so harsh, my DD was feb 28. We are in the process of selling, and buying a new property.
I can`t believe my spouse was pulling her infidelity game while looking at houses with me. How scam less!

I

I have just managed another look at his phone. I wanted to get some screenshots and I was able to do so (although just for today’s conversation as he deletes it every night). I have more than enough evidence to confirm the affair now. After reading the texts today I just don’t see how R could ever be possible for us. I am beyond devastated. I have a feeling he has been telling OW he is going to leave me once our baby is in care and I am back at work. I have noticed a couple occasions where she questions whether things are sorted. Whether he is just lying to her to keep her interested or he truly plans to leave us I guess time will tell. To be honest, if I confront him and he says he wants to leave I think I will feel some relief. Then it is out of my control and the decision has been made. Either way, I don’t see us being able to R and I am going to begin planning my exit. My heart is breaking for my children and the life I thought was ahead of us. I’m going to try my best to get through this holiday and make some beautiful memories for my son before his world is torn apart.

I’m so sorry you are going through this heartbreaking situation. You’ve been given good advice, especially about not giving up your sources. Be sure to copy everything that you can, including all your financial statements, insurance policies, and anything else that you may need. If I were in your shoes, I would try not to let on that I know, until I had all my ducks in a row, including getting my lawyer’s advice.

I wish you well on your trip. It will be hard to hide your feelings, knowing that you have a betraying husband alongside you, I imagine. So many people try to stay together, for the children’s sake, and later their children tell them they wish they had separated long ago as they have been living in a dysfunctional household. It may be hard to ever trust your husband again, knowing or thinking that he may be willing to leave you for another.

I’m sending a big hug to you because I’m sure you need it. I hope you find someone near and dear to you that you can confide in. Please keep sharing here, as I know others will provide excellent advice.

If you're gonna try to pretend while on this trip, it's gonna be tough. I think you know that, though. Wishing you strength!

He is at work (with OW) and he texted to ask me a question about our sex life (which hasn’t been great since having our baby). I could tell he was discussing it, most likely with OW. My reply to him indicated he had been having sex with someone else. I couldn’t help it, I was overcome with anger and I sent the message. Now, I feel like I don’t have the upper hand. I won’t be able to see his reaction when I break the news that I know. He might take it as a throw away comment and tonight when we chat I will mention her name so I might still get a reaction out of him. But I’ve given him time to think now and to hide any evidence (I already have enough evidence to confirm I suppose). This isn’t how I wanted to do it but it’s done now. I guess this conversation is not waiting until after our holiday. His reply to me: ‘what?’ And ‘are you okay?’

Don’t beat yourself up too much.
It’s really, really hard to keep knowledge
Like that to yourself.

I agree with the previous poster - don’t beat yourself up. It’s VERY hard to keep something like this to yourself.

How did your husband react when he came home? Did he try to hide his affair and/or ask how you suspected?

As others have mentioned the library on here offers many good insights.

I hope you’re doing okay. Please find a trusted friend to confide in. This is too much to carry alone although people here are willing to listen and help as well. Wishing you well.

I confronted him that same night. He did try to deny at first but then he slowly started trickling details to me. At first he only admitted to a kiss at a Christmas party but after I told him I knew it was long term and I needed to know the truth he admitted to a 2 year affair. He is adamant they never had sex and it was never outside of work. He was very upset and sorry and said he will do whatever it takes for me to even think about giving him a second chance. He has told her it’s over and he has agreed to change jobs. I have access to his phone whenever I want. I just can’t get past the sex thing, could this really have been going on for so long without sex? She is also married with kids and he says they never intended to take it to that level. I also asked if he loved her, he said they do have a deep emotional connection but it’s not love. I haven’t told him I have seen the I love you text messages. I’m feeling so lost and not really sure where to go to from here. We are still going on our family holiday as I really didn’t want to take that away from my son. This truly sucks.

I am so sorry for you having to be in this position.

First I want to set the record straight. Even if D you will see your kids more than 50% of the time.

Second please know that here at Surviving Infidelity we jokingly refer to something fictitious called The Cheaters Handbook. It’s due to the fact that cheaters have typical behavior. Here are a few:

We didn’t have sex
I didn’t enjoy the sex
I always loved you
I don’t love him/her
It didn’t mean anything
We only kissed once

You can see where this is going.

As experienced betrayed spouses, we can spot a lie a mile away. And right now you are getting the typical response from the cheater. I’m not saying they had sex. However you suspect this affair has been going on for years AND they work together.

So there is at least opportunity because they could both pretend to go to work one day but make plans to go somewhere else. Lunch time hook ups are possible. After work "working late" meet ups are possible.

Unfortunately at the time when nothing short of the truth is the right path, most cheaters continue to try and lie their way out of getting caught.

I hope this helps you. Continue to post here so we can support you.

I agree with everything the First Wife just wrote, and would add that you need to tell the other woman’s husband. That is a common stance here not only because it is the morally correct thing to do, it is also a good way to put a stop to any affair.

Ugh - I hate that you are in a place similar to mine 7 (gulp - wow - 7 years ago). You will get through this.

You asked:

I just can’t get past the sex thing, could this really have been going on for so long without sex?

Yes it could have - anything is possible. No it's not likely - like not likely at all. Quick example of both:

My WH had a workplace A for 5 months before I caught him the first time - replete with actual full blown intercourse outside of work whenever they had a chance (and apparently some blow jobs while on the job site - which would have cost both of them their jobs and loss of their security clearances, which are very very high fed govt clearances).

D-day 1 - caught. He took the A underground for another year. During that time he and AP decided, for whatever messed up reason, that they were no longer going to have actual penis-vagina penetration or oral sex anymore as not doing that somehow made their A "not as bad." Newsflash - it was just as bad if not worse. AP and WH sexted each other all the time, made masturbation videos that they sent to each other and deleted or watched each other live.

It was NOT any better. Moreover, they exchanged "I love you" daily, sent each other sickeningly over the top "love" letters, gross poems, all kinds of horrible stuff. IMO the sex was the least of it. This is where I'm going with this:

I also asked if he loved her, he said they do have a deep emotional connection but it’s not love. I haven’t told him I have seen the I love you text messages.

Your WH is a liar - as was mine. They likely did have intercourse, as not many are as willing to do mental limbo like mine was for any extended period of time and avoid having sex if its possible (also my WH's A, when in person, also took place like 99% of the time while at work - almost everything else was over the phone/computer). Had I not paid a small fortune to have the phone forensically recovered I would have never believed they stopped having actual physical in-person intercourse. I also would not have found out what they were doing instead, which was decidedly NOT better. But but but, even if your WS/AP did not go all the way down the intercourse path, what will that do for you now? I mean really?

I also agree with the advice to inform the other spouse - not because you want revenge or not even because you think it will help end the A (it might, but in my case it did not do anything except drive things further under the bedrock), but because if you were in their shoes you would hope the other person told you about it.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 9:15 PM, Sunday, March 10th]

I would recommend you let her husband know. That should nip things in the bud and keep her busy trying to save her marriage. One more person to keep an eye on them.

It isn’t unusual for cheaters to take this underground. It’s been going on for two years, you want to make sure you aren’t been taken for a ride anymore. He needs to have consequences, so he will think twice before he indulges in anything similar. This means that he has to quit his job, tell a few friends and family.
More likely than not, the affair was sexual. You don’t need details but you need admission from him that it was. He planned a baby with you while he was in an affair.

I would still get that lawyer consultation to see what a split looks like financially . Another way to shock him out of his affair high.

I hope you have a therapist to help. Play your cards right. The goal is for you to ensure that you are not screwed over irrespective of whether you stay or leave. So you need to gather any and every form of support that you can.

Kids thrive when they have happy strong mother, irrespective of whether she lives with their dad or not. So don’t let that force you to settle for less and put up with him not doing his best to salvage what he broke.

You got this!

FB5485,

Sending warm thoughts your way!

Being betrayed by someone you trusted is so hurtful. I know your pain.

It is highly unlikely that an office affair of this duration is not physical. It's possible, but highly unlikely.

Now, it is vital for you to inform the husband of the OW. That is a necessary safeguard against backsliding and is needed to ensure that the affair ends.

Please practice self care. This is going to be a long journey.

It is time for a polygraph. Get an experienced person who has done these many times. They can guide you about questions to ask. The closer the time to the tests the more he will use anger, sadness etc if he is still lying to you. Often bs get the truth right before time. Parking lot confessionals.

If he is telling some truths and some lies you need to see how he explains them.

Don’t let this drag on. It will impact your health.