SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello everyone.

I recently discovered my spouse was catfished into an online affair. After going through all the emails between her and whoever it is on the other end, I came to the conclusion that the catfish affair thing is in its own league of cheating,

My spouse was sending money overseas hand over fist over a 3 year span. This is what I am aware of.

I feel betrayed, backstabbed, emotionally, and financially.

She was using her money, not ours. Either way this is a stressful situation to be caught up in.

She insists, there was never going to be a PA. She was scammed and trying recover her money. After reading the mails, her story checks out some, but not enough.

Anybody else here fall victim of their spouse in a catfish affair? Please weigh in.

Thanks in advance folks.

She was using her money, not ours.

How does that work, exactly, in a marriage relationship? Legally speaking, you two are now one financial entity. Or do you mean she had some pre-marriage funds in a trust or something?

Yikes. So she tried to have an affair with an what was essentially a figment of her imagination. Is she doing anything to rectify that? I certainly don't have experience with a "catfish" affair but from my POV that doesn't bode well for the future. If she is not going to take steps to identify and correct the things within her that lead to this, it is probably time to do some addition by subtraction.

How does that work, exactly, in a marriage relationship?

Some couple's don't mingle finances or earnings and keep them sperate. They'll split bills or put only what's needed into a joint account from which the bills are paid. What happens when they get divorced or separate is another matter.

I recently discovered my spouse was catfished into an online affair.

She made a series of conscious decisions. To blame "being catfished" is minimizing her active and willing participation.

That takes TWO. I'm sure those catfishers cast a wide net - but it very easy to click DELETE from the very 1st contact attempt. Much life a vampire - you have to invite them in. That door was willingly opened. Every contact, message, reply, etc. was an active and conscious choice.

She didn't "fall victim" as you say. She chose.

I would be very surprised if this is the only "online relationship" she was participating in. Tread lightly. You most likely just hit the tip of a very big iceberg.

She’s lying. A three year affair and she was never going to meet him for a PA? Typical cheater minimizing. Adults don’t have romantic relationships without the intent of having sex. Every affair, be it EA/online or whatever all have the same potential, sex. Most of the affairs that are "only EA (not minimizing the damage EAs cause but many, especially Betrayed Husbands feel that PA is the ultimate betrayal, and clearly you feel the same way) are only EAs because there is a lack of opportunity for sex.

It doesn’t matter that she was catfished, she didn’t believe she was and thought it was a real person. Why was she going to meet him then? To have a deep conversation? To just talk? To be just friends? Come on. She’s doing damage control, not being honest. No one says anything about meeting and kissing or whatever without the idea of having sex. And again, this was going on for 3 years!

My opinion, don’t let the fact she was catfished affect how you approach it, if anything just think of it as karma for her. She’s gullible and a cheater.

^^^^THIS^^^^

Yes, the fact that she may have been lied to or tricked, basically has NO bearing on things. Too many BHs out there, from what I have seen, will say something like 'yeah but my WW was tricked by AP' as if that makes their WW's cheating ANY less bad (it does not). In fact, a BH who says this is RUGSWEEPING. That is EXTREMELY bad, don't do it!

If someone embezzles money from me, it makes no difference when it comes to the injustice done to me, whether the person who stole from me was in turn lied to as well. The money is gone from me either way, and the intention to do me harm was just the same.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 8:22 PM, Friday, March 8th]

Adults don’t have romantic relationships without the intent of having sex.

Welllll, while that's probably true in most situations, I actually did have an EA with no intention of transitioning to a PA, and I had ample opportunity. EAP lived next door. The 3 month A was almost entirely comprised of sitting in the driveway and trading titillating talk. We shared a hotel room during a convention and still I never touched him. Not once. He wanted a PA. I did not. I knew it would open too big a can of worms for me to handle.

I'm just here to say that it's not probable, but it is possible that she never had any intention of having a PA.

But yeah, this is definitely on her. She messed up. It's not the catfish's fault that she betrayed you. It's her fault that she allowed herself to be sucked in.

[This message edited by SacredSoul33 at 8:48 PM, Friday, March 8th]

Off the top o my head, one of our Guides here, Tanner, has a story that involves a catfishing A. You might be interested in reading some of his story or historical posts.

I do caution you from distinguishing a catfishing affair from a regular EA (emotional affair) too significantly. Yes, it's a distinguishing detail that might make it either easier for you to mentally handle at the moment (at least she didnt.....), and it probably makes it easier for you to view your wife as someone who was in some ways a victim of this (she was taken advantage of by the big bad catfisher). This tendency to minimize their spouse's actions in the A and focusing on the wrongdoing of the AP is something that is really common for new BSs (betrayed spouses) that find themselves here - especially betrayed husbands, for some reason. It might make some of that easier to handle right now, but I think in time, you'll feel differently.

Blaming the AP (affair partner), while minimizing your spouse's fault, in order to make it easier to stomach in the moment is not a great strategy for long-term healing however. Lots, if not most, affairs are built on some foundation of lies to some extent. Even affairs that move from the emotional realm to the physical one, are often based in fantasy (despite the very real actions that take place). The issue is not that she was hoodwinked, or what she believes about it now knowing what she knows in retrospect, it was that she allowed herself to be in a position emotionally where she decided that any of the stuff she did - not knowing he was a liar - was okay. If she was willing to do all those things for him, she likely did believe she was in love and had a future with this person. If you have any desire to stay with your spouse, you will not be able to heal in this relationship if you do not believe that she is a safe partner, and a partner that was open to being bamboozled is absolutely not a safe partner, and cannot be trusted.

She was using her money, not ours.

Unless you have a very specific prenuptial agreement in place. In most cases in a marriage, her money *IS* your money (money belonging to the marriage) to some extent.

[This message edited by emergent8 at 10:00 PM, Friday, March 8th]

My WW’s most passionate EA was a catfish scammer. She exchanged ILY’s and desperately wanted to meet up. He wanted her to pay for a plane ticket and was always asking for money but she never sent any and he bailed.

IMO this is no different than any other A, she had intent, and was willing to meet. It’s not any less painful other than he wasted about 3 months of her time that she wasn’t pursuing an A with someone else.

Bottom line cheating is cheating, you will likely find this isn’t the only one.

Thanks for your opinions.

I agree with anybody that says you can NOT blame the clown on the other end. This was her choice to engage in this conduct.

As far as the finance comments that some here have made: That part is none of your beeswax.

I just wanted your take(s) on another dimension of an EA.

Thanks everybody

How does that work, exactly, in a marriage relationship?

I don`t know? You tell me? Maybe I should hire you for my CPA?

I am not too tech savvy

Can someone tell me how to respond to a particular comment?

Thanks

How does that work, exactly, in a marriage relationship?

I don`t know? You tell me? Maybe I should hire you for my CPA?

Because it doesn’t make sense, you don’t have to get defensive. You have asked a group of volunteers for advice.

In community property states, a married couple is seen as a single entity, much like a business or corporation. Any income or debts are attributable to that entity. Any money either of you make, any debts incurred by either or any assets purchased are part of that entity.

For example, our home was paid for with marital funds so both of us were entitled to the proceeds from the sale. If either of us had run up debts, we are both responsible for payment of the debts. If your WW went out and bought a car tomorrow and then didn't pay, you're still responsible for payment.

If you want to qoute, you can copy the portion you wish to address and surround the text using the quotation mark icon.

[This message edited by leafields at 6:15 AM, Tuesday, March 12th]

"Because it doesn’t make sense, you don’t have to get defensive. You have asked a group of volunteers for advice."

Of course it won`t make sense man. Not getting defensive. I respect your opinion just as much as the next guy. It is just that every couple has their own personal financial setup going on.

Thanks for your input.

[This message edited by NiceGuysFinishLast at 7:41 AM, Saturday, March 9th]

"Unless you have a very specific prenuptial agreement in place. In most cases in a marriage, her money *IS* your money (money belonging to the marriage) to some extent."

Then in your case the courts OWN YOU.

Not my case.

I asked this on your other thread too - why was she (as you put it) "husband shopping" - what was she looking for? Some strange? Was this guy younger? better looking? what?

To start, Google financial infidelity.

Not all couples join their finances, but I think it’s fair to say that the vast majority would not be happy to learn that their spouses were secretly blowing thousands of dollars behind their backs.

Taking infidelity out of the equation completely, if I were to find out that my husband was spending copious amount of money at the casino or expensive hobby instead of, say, paying off car loans, our mortgage, investing in our kids’ college fund, etc, I would consider that a serious betrayal.

Now maybe you’re so personally flush with cash that whatever money your wife was sending to OM doesn’t really impact you one way or the other. But that doesn’t change the fact that your wife lied to you.

And to HellisNotHalfFull’s point, she didn’t send OM money purely out the goodness of heart; it’s because she was in a romantic relationship with him, and wanted to and would have escalated it if that possibility presented itself.

It sounds very much like your ws was subject to a romance fraud.....its on the up and up and I'd say take a look at that whilst your on Google.

There is a lot to it and there is a range of different things at play here ...you have the fact she has done this in the first place which is obviously wrong but fundamentally there must be something amiss that she sends a total stranger money....but then i have recently dealt with an old dear who sent thousands to a scammer abroad..she knew what she was doing, she knew it was a scam but she loved this chap and loved how he made her feel....all very sad really