SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am going to be a little bit of an outlier here. Most women like sex. Some women like it enough to be the initiator. Nothing wrong with that at all.

Narcissism is thrown around so much it has lost its meaning. It is a personality disorder that must meet strict guidelines to be diagnosed. However, if she does not enjoy conversations you might look at her being very slightly on the spectrum. My husband is and cannot tolerate what he calls "idle chitchat". It drives him crazy. She sounds like conversing might be difficult for her.

Also, if she always has her back up when you bring up concerns be sure and look at how you phrase things since absolutely no one likes criticism.

Further you need to look at her childhood. Children who have not been able to attach properly to their parents often never learn to trust completely. That means they hold back from committing completely. They hedge their bets, as it were. They spread themselves out "just in case". This might have nothing to do with her but something is telling you to watch your back.

My suggestion is to find a therapist for yourself and one for her. There should be a whole lot of work before you commit to marriage.

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 11:23 PM, Sunday, March 17th]

The biggest red flag is that she cannot articulate why she cheated in her marriage. That suggests that she never felt enough remorse to commit herself to understanding why she would do such a thing. The other red flags support that. Do you know if she did any IC after the A?

She sounds like someone who needs a lot of external attention and validation. She is willing to push boundaries to get that. She may only need someone who pushes the right buttons to go right back into an A.

It may be that her response to you is entirely genuine. The question is whether your attention will be enough in the future when things have become a bit more old hat.

I've recently been paying more attention to details and her whereabouts. I've already discovered a few things during the last few days and it doesn't look good.

I asked to look if she is comfortable with me checking her phone. She reluctantly agreed. I found recently taken naked pics of her that she had deleted. Her justification is that she occasionally takes naked pics of herself when she feels good about how she looks.

It is all suspect to me. Too many red flags.

Anyways, I can't continue like this and I decided that I want out. I asked her to be available for a few hours so we can talk and figure things out. I wanted to discuss my concerns in detail (or any concerns she has). I was very quiet and I think I was respectful. I basically got the same story from her: more denial, blaming me for having trust issues, vagueness... She got immediately angry and rushed out after just a few mins of talking. Then she came back shortly after and she literally wanted to punch me in the face. I had to ask her to leave.

This was 2 days ago. I am still in a bit of a shock. I don't know what to feel. I am sad that it is over but also angry, mostly at myself for allowing this to drag for too long. This is not a rational reaction by someone who has nothing to hide imo. It's strange to feel you don't know someone after being with them for so long.

I really believe she has issues and I want to help her, but I don't know how at this point. I just want to focus on myself. Luckily, we are not married and we don't live together.

[This message edited by techie49 at 6:51 PM, Tuesday, March 19th]

I think you can chalk this one up as dodging a bullet.
No kids no house no assets to fight over. Your trash radar will improve with the next one.

I asked to look if she is comfortable with me checking her phone. She reluctantly agreed. I found recently taken naked pics of her that she had deleted. Her justification is that she occasionally takes naked pics of herself when she feels good about how she looks

Umm…what? She really thought that you would buy that explanation? My word…what kind of sucker does she think you are? I’ve got to say, that is some real world class level gaslighting. I mean, what grown woman just walks around with nude selfies on their phone like that if they aren’t being shared or perhaps used on like an OnlyFans situation.

You dodged a major bullet here. Best to cut your losses and move on.

Hi all,
just wanted to send a quick note to thank everyone who read and responded.

Long story short, I've discovered so many secrets the last few weeks. I tried to end it several times but she kept coming back, asking for another chance, and each time there was a bit more disturbing detail. I honestly wanted to give her another chance if she could just come clean. I had to play detective and extract the truth out of her and it was an ordeal. Anyways, she admitted to cheating on me with four men: two ex's, a colleague, and someone she met when she was away for a week on travel. She also admitted to entertaining other men, attention, flirting, texting etc... Deep down, I feel I should take what she admitted to me and multiply it by 2 or 3.

I had to block her completely so I can have my peace and focus on my recovery. It 's over, for sure. But the pursuit of the truth and closure kept me in it on/off for the last few weeks. Most days, I feel she is a monster but yes, I still miss her sometimes. But I know I'm better off without her.

Thanks again!

The thing about people like her is that they can in fact be very charming and wonderful to you in the moment. They are just charming and wonderful to someone else in some other moment.

I’m sorry for you. You didn’t deserve to be treated like that.

But the good news is you didn’t marry her and you found who/what she really is.

Your gut is usually not wrong. I hope you heal and have a stress free summer (at the very least).

So sorry that your worst fears were true. The silver lining is your gut knew.

This hurts but you will heal. Sending strength.