SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi, fellow warriors. I have a dilemma and I’d really like the brutal truth if you decide to reply. I already know that I am in the wrong so don’t hold back.

So, my husband and I separated for four years. During that time he was casually involved with two women. One he had sex with once and the other twice. He has told me all the details that I shouldn’t have asked and they have stood up under repeated questioning by me even though I really had no right to ask him.

I on the other hand did nothing and saw no one. Not one date. I’m so embarrassed to admit this. I stayed home and took care of my kids and didn’t even meet any other men. I feel like a total loser and I’m taking my negative feelings about myself out on my husband.

He is a great man. He did not cheat because we were legally separated but I still feel betrayed by him, as nonsensical as it sounds. During those four years, he and I fooled around sometimes and he was over to hang out with the kids above and beyond what he was mandated to do.

He constantly tells me now that he always loved me that whole time and he loves me now as much as he did when we got married 20 years ago. The problem is me and my mind. I cannot stop thinking of him with them. I make up stuff that never happened. He tells me his experiences were awful and embarrassing and depressing but honestly if a guy gets erect and has an orgasm, how awful could it have been? I don’t buy it. I think he’s trying to protect me by saying how terrible those relationships were.

I’m ruining my second chance with the man I love who is right now sitting with my mom in the dementia unit while I’m at work. He is so thoughtful, kind, considerate and patient with me. Why can I not stop living in his past? My heart hurts so much over this and I really think it’s because I’m jealous that I didn’t fool around with anyone when I could have. I’m so confused. Again, I know I’m wrong and I know that so many of you have far worse stories than I.

I’d truly appreciate any honest feedback about how to stop this destructive obsessing about him with these women. Nothing you say would hurt my feelings as I’m already beating myself up on an hourly basis. Thanks!

He tells me his experiences were awful and embarrassing and depressing but honestly if a guy gets erect and has an orgasm, how awful could it have been? I don’t buy it.

I can think of several ONS’s I had that although I orgasmed, overall, I would prefer not to have had. I’m sure some would have been better if there had been a relationship, but for others it would have magnified my regret.

If you were separated he wasn’t cheating in my book. Did he cheat in the relationship before?

I think you need to accept that he had other relationships while you were separated and now you’re back and trying to reconcile. If you can’t accept that maybe you need to move on. Maybe emotionally focused marriage counselling would help you both?

Shattered9

Just a guess on my part - that you don't have a lot of past encounters - short or long?

I have noticed over many years of reading post like yours - folks with a lot of past partners have far greater tolerance for their (temporarily separated) spouse liaisons.

Likewise I have also noticed - While those who 'were the first or so' tend to have the mind movies you have.

So you asked how it was and received answers that remain the same each time you ask? If so, quit asking . . .

If you want to stay together going forward - both of you need to tell each other the truth. He needs to understand your mental state and emotions brought about by your agreed (yes?) separation. It's history - can not be changed. Dealing with the history you have learned is something you will have to do for yourself. Maybe some counseling can help?

Another guess is husband was thinking "it's over" and it never really was for YOU but for HIM it was or 99% so he looked and found something. Was it really "good." Well if he had an orgasm it wasn't ALL bad. But as another posted, some times reflections on past activities results in "I wish I had not done that." (BTDT once or twice - while single)

You two need to have conversations - no holds barred (other than showing empathy and manners) conversations.

A book that may help: "The Body Keeps the Score" Van Der Kolk - 1st half of the book will help you put your new memories in a better place - with work.

[This message edited by Hippo16 at 12:41 AM, Tuesday, March 19th]

Shattered,

When you guys separated was their a clear message/intention of getting back together? Did you separate because he or you had an affair? Or was it something completely unrelated? The context does matter. In my opinion, if you legally separated without the intention of getting back together, nor if any specific exceptions of things about dating other people were involved, I don’t believe he actually cheated. Four years is a long time and from what you posted he willingly told you about his encounters. Sure you guys fooled around during this time, but you allowed it. Not attacking you, just asking for clarification, because based on your version I would not say he cheated.

If what I am assuming is true, this is very much something that you have to work out on your own, and I don’t believe it’s fair to hold it over him. If there is more context it would help to understand why you are feeling betrayed.

Trust me, I never give benefit of the doubt to a cheater, as most here on this forum won’t. Again, only based on your post, I do not think it’s fair to say he cheated.

ETA:erection and orgasm do not mean he enjoyed it. I was a cop for a while, one of my first calls was a man who claimed he was assaulted by two women. Brutal case, basically because he had an erection and did finish, he was painted as a willing participant. He killed himself after because of everything. Yes it’s an extreme example, I only bring it up because body reactions do not mean enjoyment. No I am not saying at all that your H was assaulted, just saying that he could be telling you the truth. More context as to why the separation etc would help to give you better answers/insight.

[This message edited by HellIsNotHalfFull at 3:30 AM, Tuesday, March 19th]

how awful could it have been?

Pretty awful. Some people think lousy sex is better than no sex at all, but honestly I think those who think that way, are just lousy lovers. Before anyone takes offense, I'm just speaking of my own biases here and from my very limited experiences.

Historically, I have gone years between partners, because I have been very particular. One partner was a mismatch, the others were not.

The ones that were not? I went back way more than 3 times.

The one that was a mismatch? I would just as soon never met her and simply taken care of myself.

It had nothing to do with her looks or sexual skills (she was pretty and skilled) or anything like that, but in the end it seemed like just a waste of time because there wasn't the mental connection developing. I think in that case I was likely just another notch in her belt and I don't view my partners the same way. I'd rather have sex with the same person who I have the mental connection with 50 times, than to have sex with 50 people hundreds of times without the connection.

It might be vigorous with those others, but lacks the intensity in other ways.

Accidental double post.

[This message edited by standinghere at 7:06 AM, Tuesday, March 19th]

You seem like a nice person asking an honest question, so I’m not going to comment on whether you SHOULD be worried about this. Eventually-hopefully you can take his word for what he feels.

But, in the meantime just remember all the stories in history of sheep herders having sex with, well sheep. And the movie where the guy has sex with I believe it was a pie. and there are those blow up dolls. and don’t even many straight men in prison have sex with other men? So like… the fact that over a four year period he decided to have sex with something other than his hand does not seem like something you particularly need to worry about.

I have definitely had sex with a few people where I thought "hmm…what was I thinking there…"

It sounds like he wants to be with…YOU!!!

that’s awesome-run with it. enjoy the great future you both deserve!

I cannot stop thinking of him with them. I make up stuff that never happened. He tells me his experiences were awful and embarrassing and depressing but honestly if a guy gets erect and has an orgasm, how awful could it have been? I don’t buy it.

You've received some really good advice already. I just wanted to add my two cents: I've had sexual encounters that seemed like a good idea at the time and turned out to be embarrassing and regrettable.

I would also be very jealous if I was in your shoes. I think that's pretty normal. I agree that you need to tell him what you're thinking and how you're feeling. Transparency and authenticity is a beautiful thing.

I also get jealous of my husband even talking to people at this point. So I totally get it too. I guess you must love him. Hopefully he knows how lucky he is ❤️

I am sorry you are struggling. It is understandable and normal. You are not "in the wrong" so much as fixated on this thing.
And you need to let it go.

And you need to forgive yourself for not dating during that period.

If you met someone today, they would have a history or a past. YOU would have a history and a past.
That’s really the case here. You re-connected after a 4 year separation. It’s a new start- you probably even use those words.
So you have to accept that he has a past now.

IC may be very useful for you to work through this. Both your fixation on his dating while separation and your regret for not having sowed a few oats during that time. And toss in your mom having health issues - IC will be time well spent.

Best of luck- I hope you work through this.

I cannot stop thinking of him with them. I make up stuff that never happened.

I’ll give you a different line of attack on the problem, because this issue could be a symptom of a deeper stumbling block.

You need to stop living in the past, period. Whatever the topic. Acknowledge it, accept it, note how it made you feel, make the plans that need making, surrender to the fact that you can’t change it (all your questions are attempts to change something that can’t be changed) and then get busy living in the present.

This applies to everything, not just what your husband was up to, which if you were separated is not really your business.

It’s hard to do. We tend to put a lot of effort into writing some kind of life narrative. The older you get, the more of that is in the past. It becomes a burden to the now. Like a boat anchor.

It’s also an opportunity for you to grow. You know this line of thought is leading to your own unhappiness. It’s great that you are self-aware, an awful lot of people aren’t. Use it as a motivator to drop the obsessing on the past and live in the present for everything. It’s hard to do, a lot of living in the past has to do with fear of the future. There are approaches to address this that don’t result in a Kick Me sign being stuck to your back. :)

Some good books are out there on mindfulness, meditation, acceptance, etc. The book F*ck It: The Ultimate Spiritual Way is an easy read. Funny, but on point. Get the audiobook version, you’ll laugh. Get Eckhart Tolle’s The Power of Now audiobook. Maybe another. You’ll see that there is convergence on an approach.

"Most people treat the present moment as if it were an obstacle that they need to overcome. Since the present moment is Life itself, it is an insane way to live."

― John C. Parkin, F**k It

[This message edited by HouseOfPlane at 1:40 PM, Wednesday, March 20th]

Hi @Shattered hope you're doing well. I'm not sure what caused you to separate from your H but is it possible that the effect of the separation brought about a feeling of rejection that is now more magnified after finding out that your H had 2 other relationships and you didn't.

I do think you should consider counselling for yourself if you haven't already. I also want to encourage you not to dwell on the past but instead move forward believing and knowing that YOU are deserving and worthy of love.

There is absolutely nothing wrong in your decision to prioritize staying home and looking after your children, that's actually shows what a wonderful mama you are and you most certainly are not a looser because you didn't meet other men.

I think what you might find helpful is finding ways to build your self confidence outside of being in a relationship, the truth is there are people who are in a relationship and they still feel inadequate.

You now have a second chance with a man who loves you and shows by his actions and words that he really does despite all that has happened in the past, I say go for it.
Be intentional in affirming yourself and spend time doing things that brings you joy. These other women probably don't even know you, you have to stop spending precious time thinking about them as they have no bearing on your renewed relationship with your H.

Rooting and praying for you dear friend, you can overcome this!

Just because he had sex with other women doesn’t mean there was an emotional attachment or connection.

You might consider it was just sex - and nothing more.

But if it’s going to be something you cannot live with, then please be honest with him and tell him how you feel. You owe it to him.

Otherwise I think you might consider some professional advice or counseling to help you get through this.

In my state, legal separation does not mean divorce.

What kinds of conversations did you have about "the rules" for legal separation?

What was the goal of the separation? Why wasn't divorce an option, if you all wanted to act like divorced folks?

I am not so sure that you "don't have a right" to ask about your husband's involvement with other women. You were still married (ie, not divorced), and he was with others. I think that's stepping out of the marriage. Again, unless there was mutual agreement that you both could step out of the marriage, no questions asked.

My husband, like others here, has not always enjoyed his experiences. It is hard for me to accept, and I do think he is honest when he says that it wasn't always enjoyable. Only because he had so much shame.

When I obsess, I'm either processing or there are still things that aren't making sense.

When I've processed and/or when an explanation makes sense, then, there are no more intrusive thoughts.

I do think it's worth an exploration/discussion about why you are upset that you didn't fool around, and he did. Would your value system allowed you to fool around? Mine wouldn't. And, that would make me question my spouses value system, if his value system DID allow him to fool around.

If there was any possibility of getting back together, then I would expect that my husband would make choices that support that goal. For me, I wouldn't think "my husband really wants to get back in a relationship with me" if he was investing time and money with/on other women, and eventually being with them.

[This message edited by secondtime at 5:14 AM, Monday, March 25th]