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Sheesh, Hellfire that is something else. For the time being my experience pales in comparison - I'm amazed you've been able to deal with that kind of nonsense and keep your own self restraint! Hopefully she messes up and you can get some peace of mind eventually.

probably too late, but I'm going to stop talking to him

This seems pretty passive, it would have been lot better if she said "I stopped talking to him on Tuesday. This leaves her door open to communicate with her BF on her schedule.

Keep on going on your path to D.
If she really changes you can remarry.

How are you and your son going A?
Did you want to give us an update?

Thank you for checking in! Means a lot.

It's been a weird week or two. Guess who decided again that she wants to fix herself, try to make it work with me, not divorce, etc.?

We had a few good days together again, and she's once again told the AP to leave her alone / not contact her. BUT I told her I'm quite a ways away from being able to believe that... it'll take time and consistent honesty and good actions on her part for me to trust again.

So for now, I'm just seeing where it goes, but not holding my breath or expecting this to work out. I'm away on a little solo vacation while our son visits his grandma for a few days.

If my wife wants to spend time together, be intimate, and do things as a family, I'm not going to say "no." But I'm not planning on us working out or investing myself in it yet. I feel like if I can truly maintain a "nothing to lose" attitude and keep working on myself, there's no harm in seeing where it goes.

You need to tell her under no uncertain terms that this "wishy-washy" inability to decide is making it a lot less likely that you'll ever have a chance to be a family again. The less of a resolve she shows, the more likely you are to tell her you're done.

So if she isn't sure and doesn't know if she means it, then she may as well just go now and let you get on with your healing.

This needs to be said. Guilt has a shelf life. If either of you string this along too long one of you is going to give up. You will get exhausted from the constant worry of what she is up to. Your entire body is taking a beating because these ups and downs cause several hormones to spike, including adrenaline. These are necessary for your safety, were to be running from a bear, but detrimental if living with daily fear. They do a number on you long term.
She might get exhausted while feeling under a microscope. Although she might give him up she might also give the marriage up.

The note you got was so anemic that it was pretty worthless. Where was the knowledge of the intense pain she has caused you? Where was the mea culpa? It was an "oh well, la di da" or what my children say, "my bad". Do not be the one doing the heavy lifting. If she gives weak attempts start looking at what your future will be like D or R. Do not let this make you pay the physical price that long term stress causes. She is either in 100% in or you are out.

And good wishes for your return to happiness either way.

and she's once again told the AP to leave her alone / not contact her.

If the real problem has been that the OM won’t let her alone and that’s why she had the affair then this would possibly border on rape...
After all – if he forces her to meet him when he’s in town, fly to distant cities to meet up and all that and she has no say about it... what else could it be called?

The real problem is that she chose to hook up with him.
She has to say something more akin to "I won’t respond to OM contact in any way or form" rather than "Please Mr. OM. Don’t tempt me with contact"

Maybe this is an argument that more betrayeds should just move to D?

We'd been having an OK week. WW had been saying she loves me, wants to be together, all of that. Some good time together too. We slept in the same bed too.

Then tonight we're arguing. I mentioned that some of her friends had even said they knew I was a decent guy, wasn't "not" paying attention to her, etc... and my wife flips out. We get in a huge argument.

Long story short, end of the night, she's still arguing me and saying she hates me, all of that, and so I lose my cool and I post the pics/videos of her cheating with the AP on Facebook. I hear her crying and on the phone with her mom.

I'm in my own room now, we're not talking, but I'm sure it's done for good. Still a bad feeling.

Based on your post from the 11th your attorneys should be ready to serve her divorce papers. How’s that going?
I strongly suggest you remove the pictures. You have gotten your message across, and I wouldn’t dabble with the revenge laws, expectation of privacy or anything like that. I think you are safe, but honestly actions like this generally act like a double edged sword that can hurt everyone involved.

Unless it'll cripple you financially, get a D. It's wayyyy easier than trying to reckon (and recon) with the idiot alien you have now.

[This message edited by Clint at 7:50 PM, Monday, April 29th]

The absolute bare, bare bottom of the barrel minimum you should expect in R with a WS is a contrite person. You don’t even have that.

I don’t know if you should divorce your wife or not. I agree she doesn’t sound contrite. That worries me because it means you run the risk of the ongoing scam. Is she buying time right now to leave you when the timing is best for her? Does she still think she can have her cake and eat it too? I do believe she hasn’t felt forced to make a decision about the affair partner one way or another. I believe having her served with divorce papers will help move her to a decision of what she actually wants. It really takes the have her cake and eat it too want, out of the equation. It gives her deadline. BS’s can usually tell down deep when a WS feels remorse. If you don’t see that by the time the divorce becomes final, you’ll be better of getting out of the marriage.

Take it from someone who took way too long for his WW (now ex) to "get it", to start "doing the work", alphabet. Perhaps filing for D will shake her out of the manipulation she seems to be putting you through now. Probably not. The divorce process takes quite some time. Filing isn't the divorce - just the beginning of the process. It took over 2 years for my divorce to be final after separation. There were things I asked/demanded of my ex to do to show she was committed to trying to reconcile before sparation. She did very little and I did for her what I was asking her to do (wrong for me to do). The WS should be falling all over themselves to fix what they broke but my ex wasn't and it seems to me that your WW isn't either.

I recommend the book "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" by Linda J. MacDonald. Another book I recommend is "Cheating in a Nutshell" by Wayne and Tamara Mitchell. And another is "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay" by Mira Kirshenbaum (I don't like some of her books but thought this one was beneficial). I apologize if any of these have already been recommended. I didn't read all of the replies.

One last thing: there is nothing you did or did not do that caused your WW to commit adultery. That is entirely on her and is because of some lacking in her character and integrity. Marital issues are usually shared but not even equally necessarily.

[This message edited by steadychevy at 12:39 AM, Tuesday, April 30th]

I'm a giant believer in disrupting critical "things" that are not in my interest.

Your "wife" could use with some significant disruption and loss of control. Everything you have written shows that you are reacting to her action. Take actions, disrupt and cause discomfort in her plans, narratives and paradigms.

Otherwise she is going to drive you to a place not of your choice.

Hi Alphabet,

You are in absolute chaos. Keep things simple. Do not talk to her outside of co-parenting and proceed with the divorce. You are allowing her to cling on by continually moving the football. Everytime she's said that she's ended contact it's been a lie, and the next time that she says it it will be a lie as well. In complex situations simple is always the route to take. you'll literally kill yourself thinking "what next" or "I think I didn't do the right thing"

She has ended the marriage with no input from you. It's on you to close it out. This isn't fair, but lots of things in life are not fair. We are defined as people by how we handle things that are put in front of us. Handle it professionally and quickly.

ABC100

How are things going. Hope you have time for an update.