SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Is there any thread about relationship limbo?

I feel like my WH and I are in a limbo right now.

Any advice on how to get out of this or resolve this except getting a D?

There are few improvements for the both of us but I feel like I am the one who puts more effort into it. I have to admit that we are not consistent with our actions sometimes and they are times that I will fall back and bring up the details of the A all over again and rub it on his face. Whats worse is that for the past few days, for some reason, the mind movies, triggers and intrusive thoughts are on high peak. There are just some days that it will hit you really hard and eventually you will realize that this is our reality now.

I had a really dark thoughts as well where I feel like I was re-living the past when the A was going on and thinking about getting back/revenge to the OW & to my WH (revenge affair). I know it is not worth it to put too much effort thinking about the OW but it is just so hard to disregard it especially she completely knew 100% that my WH is married and do have kids.

Anyway, back to my question about limbo... any advice please? I would really appreciate it.

I don't have a lot of advice but came here to say I can relate to the limbo. Been on the fence since DD (8/23) and emotionally on the fence a few years before that. I figure while I'm in limbo I need to figure out what the heck is going on with me, my patterns, and what it would take for me to D or R. The problem is whenever I say I'd D if _____ happens...something close to _____ happens and I stay in limbo. It's exhausting. So sorry, I feel like limbo is hell and I'm sorry you are experiencing this.

Thanks lessthinking!
I do feel and can relate with you. Just to let you know as well you are not alone. 🫂

If only there is an easy way out to this limbo, I would gladly do it.

If you don't mind my asking, are you guys doing MC or IC?

Your d-day about six months ago… your husband reluctant in most of the requirements to reconcile (did he ever do the STD test?) and who broke NC a short time ago…
And you both expect that you two no longer talk about the affair?

Friend – you need IC, chances are your husband needs IC and your marriage probably needs MC…

Hi Bigger..
Yes, we both did the STD test and thankfully it came back negative.

I was doing IC and had 3 different therapists but unfortunately though, they are all not a good fit and it didnt help me so I am currently looking for a new one. MC is booked next month.

And about the affair, I think I got everything I wanted and need to know and it is true that too much information does not help in some ways but yeah, sucks for me because I chose to know every details to the A. I dont know. I was thinking and trying not to bring the A as much as possible thinking it will help us heal but I guess I am doing it wrong.

I am just all over the place at the moment and my thinking is too clouded. There is too much going on my mind that I cannot focus and pinpoint what to do next or whatnot. I feel so lost. 😔

What bigger said.

Probably your husband is hoping it will just get better/go away- and maybe you are thinking it will just take time for you to heal- that’s called rugsweeping.

I know life is busy, and no one knows what to do in the face of their life bowing up. But you have just suffered a terrible trauma that is going to take a lot of time to heal from.

Your husband needs to figure out how and why he did what he did and then work on changing those conditions. You will not feel safe until he shows up to clean up his mess and you can process this affair together. This will be in progress for years, individual healing first and then the relationship. (You can’t fix what is two parts of a whole without fixing the parts first)

Six months out you are barely out of shock, you will cycle through the other stages of grieving all that you just lost, oscillating between them. You need to focus on you- what you need, want, and allow yourself to feel feelings and not always let logic get in the way of that. Don’t worry about hating the ap, thinking about revenge, being angry, disappointed, disillusioned, any of it. You have a right to feel those things, it’s natural and you won’t find any of your fellow bs here saying they didn’t feel it too. Denying your feelings is only going to make things worse.

And of your husband can’t get on board, maybe read about the 180 and consider utilizing it. I can understand you may not be ready for divorce but some detachment from a ws who refuses to do the work is the next sane solution. It will allow you to protect your mental health, and maybe give him some perspective of what it’s like not to have you as a safety net. It’s not meant to be used as a punishment or threat. It’s a natural consequence of not becoming a safer partner and you needing an environment to heal in.

Edited to add- we cross posted. So sorry if some of what I posted didn’t make sense after what you said. But I would definitely keep trying to find your own therpist. What about him? I personally would not waste money on MC if he isn’t doing IC for a while. The problem is not your marriage, the problem is his choices and he needs to get a handle on that.

[This message edited by hikingout at 3:47 PM, Thursday, March 21st]

Are you in IC? Do you think EMDR might be helpful for you?

I will fall back and bring up the details of the A all over again

I feel like I was re-living the past

These are your brain's response to the trauma. Did you know that some BSs will have PTSD or C-PTSD? There's also a term Post-Infidelity Stress Disorder (PISD), but it isn't in the DSM (the manual mental health providers use to determine diagnosis.)

You're still less than a year out, so these thoughts are somewhat normal. It takes YEARS to heal from infidelity.

As for the limbo, what do you want out of the relationship? Are you both working towards that goal? If not, why not? What behavior are you willing to accept in the M?

I gave myself 6 month increments. (I was trauma bonded and decision-making is tough in that situation.) I would ask myself a few questions.

How was my healing journey progressing, and was I getting out from the pain of the betrayal?
Was XWH working toward his healing?
Was there inappropriate behavior from XWH?

At about a year, I was feeling the pain less and less. I could also see that XWH wasn't doing the work, and I was getting ready to say that I was done. Then he said his IC said he was ok enough for MC. We were actually in an MC session when he confessed to inappropriate behavior, and I followed through with my hard boundary and we D. D has been the best thing for me, as I am loving my new life.

At six months out you are likely no where near done processing the affair and it's details.

You are fighting yourself and your brains natural reaction to shock/trauma by suppressing those thoughts.

Sure, it's not great to (as you say) shove them in your husbands face but I'm doubtful that is what is actually happening.

What's happening is your brain is trying to make sense of your world and accept the affair. To do that, your brain will go over and over what you know to put it in some kind of order and context. So that you can then accept it and start healing your heart.

Don't stop that process. Journal if you have to. Definitely see a therapist to help with the processing.

But also, talk to your WS. Explain to him that the thoughts/questions/reliving the details is torture for you. That you need to get it out of your body by talking about it and asking things again to reassure yourself. This is his chance to be there for you. He can show empathy, support and most importantly give you the honesty your brain needs over and over again. This is trust building.

There may come a time where you are in fact ruminating and it's holding you back or harming your peace. But at six months out? No ma'am. This is normal and parting of "going through" it.

It's a bit complicated.
We were both in IC before DD so our IC's are not specialized in this area - infidelity, sex issues, etc. His IC was about ADHD/OCD/Health Anxiety and mine IC for relationship dissatisfaction/attachment stuff.
We started MC after DD but it wasn't going well and felt like more pressure for me to lean towards R so we decided to focus on ourselves more.
Thinking with what we have currently going on we need to find a MC that can help us navigate current concerns.

I hit the rage stage at 3-6 months, then just a simmering sadness and anger. (Before we D’d). From all that I have read here and experienced myself, years 1 and 2 are where you cycle through all the emotions, including stages of POLF. It just takes that long to process all this. And remember that TT sets you back to zero. So it’s still early days. (Years 3+ are more stable, but still some triggers and issues, but less frequent.). Sorry - the biggest four letter word in SI is TIME.

Time will help you see if you can break out of this limbo. If your WS can sustain the improvements consistently. If you can heal with him as your spouse or not.

Keep on with the IC and MC (if a good one). Feel all the things. And know that, like grief, this stuff cycles around quite a bit and takes longer than anyone wants.

Hi HikingOut,

No worries. No need to say sorry. That's okay.

I actually booked my session to my new therapist next week so I hope it will work out well this time.

As for my WH, no, he doesn't want to do IC, that is why I am pushing the MC for now and see if somehow it will help him. MC itself was very difficult for him to decide whether he will push through or not. He was saying he will do everything except IC or MC! 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️ However, I gave him an ultimatum so Ill see if he is really serious and committed to fix this relationship.

Hi Leafields,

"Are you in IC? Do you think EMDR might be helpful for you?"

- I was for 3x already but all therapist that I had are all not a good fit. I was actually looking into that. Do you do EMDR? If yes, how was it and how does benefit you if you dont mind my asking.

"As for the limbo, what do you want out of the relationship? Are you both working towards that goal? If not, why not? What behavior are you willing to accept in the M?"

- I would really like for us both to fix and try to save our relationship and you know reconcile eventually.

- I feel like my WH does the bare minimum at the moment and more likely doing the rugsweeping, however, I am not going to let that happen for sure. We are both having slow progression and we tend to fall back now and then.

- That's the thing, I am still working on deciding how far can I go in terms of the behaviour in this M. Infidelity itself is a dealbreaker for me before but since we have two younger kids that was the time when I realized that having divorce is not feasible for us YET.

Hi TheEnd,

Thank you for your message/input. This helps me to realize and reflect more. I appreciate it. 🙂

Hi BearlyBreathing,

"I hit the rage stage at 3-6 months, then just a simmering sadness and anger."

- I think I am also at this stage right now.

Thank you for your message. Really appreciate it.

If my wh had not finally done IC, we would not be together.
Saying he'll do anything but IC is just another way of showing you HIS priorities.