SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Marine

Your message really got me in the feels this morning. Definitely reminded me to be vigilant to move forward because at this point I don’t want to second guess this decision. No criticism to you, just saying for myself that I need to push thru this.

I am grateful to hear of when others have benefitted from my story, so thank you for sharing. You have been sparse on my threads, but you have impacted me. I have always remembered the Tree of legacy that you desired to build, it was one of those moments that helped me understand something about myself, another reason this is all so hard because of the loss that will reverberate thru generations of what could have been. You really added something to one of my darkest days, thank you for that.

On a lighter note, you also encouraged me to not forsake the "glorious house of gains", and I have been taking that advice. Down a couple belt notches, a few more to go, but enjoying the process. Thanks for the push there.

You have a real dumpster fire on your hands. I pray for wisdom and strength in resolving it, and this champion waffler will never judge how you handle the worst decision of your life.

[This message edited by InkHulk at 4:00 PM, Saturday, March 23rd]

Sending to you all the support I have to offer. No words really to say, i haven’t the foggiest what words could even be helpful in this situation. I hope you keep being kind to yourself.

[This message edited by Stillconfused2022 at 5:02 PM, Saturday, March 23rd]

Just about any words that communicate care are treasures. Thanks for all the camaraderie over these horrible years. How about you send me ideas about how to be kind to myself based off what you are doing for yourself? That would truly be beautiful to me.

Hi IH,

You have displayed courage and integrity in seeking to reconcile with your WW.
And sometimes it also takes great courage and integrity to decide to divorce.
You and your family are in my prayers.
God bless you all as you seek to get out of infidelity.
Grace and peace,
FAWH.

That tree also stuck with me.

Ink.

This is my advice to you.

Even now, there remains a better and a worse, and you must choose the better, every day.

You discern it of course. Those choices. Those thousands of consistent actions. Those very few exceptions that go against the grain of it. You choose them, in the way you live, in the way you relate.

Just like when you came home when your kids were little, and you chose to be attentive dad rather than giving into fatigue, 1000’s of times. That’s what made you a father, not so much saying I’m a father. That’s how Dad’s give birth or rather participate in it.

Behind the labels (which I am not dismissing as unimportant), is that. Keep on doing it.

And as to the legacy of divorce. I think that way too. Many here would disagree. Including some children of divorce, like us two. But in my circumstance, of the six kids of two families in my FOO situation, all are on their first marriage. I think I have come closest to not being.

Who would have thunk it? Isn’t life resilient? It seems to find a way. It humbles us. Your kids will build their own families and if you remain the Ink I think you are, you will participate in it and take great solace in it. Divorce doesn’t stop that dead.

Be calm, be kind, be honest, be attentive, be consistent. When love comes again, accept it, and still be all those things, every freaking day.

[This message edited by straightup at 9:13 PM, Saturday, March 23rd]

I'm sorry it has come to this, I know it's not the outcome you wanted but there comes a time you have done all you can do. You gave it hell Brother. I wish you and your family the best.

I am sorry it has come to this too. I’ve followed your story in the background for awhile. I also do not know what else you can do.

It’s maddening when they can do a couple of simple little actions that would make all the difference in the world and yet they just can’t do it or understand.

Thinking of you and your family, Inkhulk. SheHulk too. I hope losing a man that truly loves her is what she needs to get it - I will always hope that she gets it. If not for you, for her and your children. I know you say she is a good parent, and I don’t doubt it, but having a mother who is unable to have difficult conversations and cannot admit fault, must be difficult for them too - perhaps not yet, but eventually. None of us are perfect, but we can always strive to do better.

I don’t have any wise words. The only thing I can think are the affirmations I do with my kids, before I put them to bed each night.

(Repeat after me)

I am strong.
I am smart.
I am kind.
I am loved.
I can do hard things.

And you have, and you can, and you will.

With all the terror, sadness, anger that you feel there is hope. Human beings are so resilient. We rise like phoenixes. I hope you remember this…weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.
I am so very sorry you have had this decision thrust on you but you will be ok.

Ink,

Start thinking about your next relationship

Thanks, emergent. I owe a debt of kindness to you I’ll never be able to repay.

I owe a debt of kindness to you I’ll never be able to repay.

Nah, we’ve all benefited from the kindness, empathy, and wisdom of others. The number of people (posters and lurkers alike - and I consider myself a part of this group)who have related to you, your story, and your vulnerability, means any "debt" you may believe you owe has long been paid. I have no doubt you will continue to be a resource for others in your next chapter, whatever that looks like.

How are you going IH?
We can appreciate that you may be experiencing a range of emotions this weekend.

Praying for you and the family,
FAWH

Hey man, what you should do is something real nice for yourself. Maybe get yourself a sportscar if you're into that sort of thing. You deserve it!

And really...maybe it is time to look at what you are gaining. Your freedom! You're cutting yourself free from that ball-n-chain. I see too many men who stay stuck w women who sound like your STBX-WW, argh...it just sucks the life outta them. That you're moving away from that, I'd say you have a lot to celebrate actually.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 2:12 AM, Monday, March 25th]

I'm so sorry things have taken this turn, IH. It's all such a long process to find the best form of healing for ourselves. The ups and downs can just knock the wind out of you at times, and it seems like life is just never going to be normal again. All I can say is that there really is peace to be had. It takes time, honesty, and work, but you're a smart guy and you're going to get there. Have faith in yourself.

How about you send me ideas about how to be kind to myself based off what you are doing for yourself?

Well..as a woman, my self care most likely looks different from yours. Or not..no judgment, lol. But,I will tell you some of the things I do, for myself.

A long hot bath, and a good book.

An at home spa day, where I give myself a facial, and do my nails.

I go to the salon, and have my hair cut,or colored.

I've recently discovered I love wearing a dress. Ive always been more of a t shirt,leggings/jeans kind of woman. But I bought a pretty dress,and loved the way I felt in it. I feel very feminine. So I've been buying more dresses. (See, guys? Women do dress nice for themselves)

I go to a park,find a pretty tree,and just sit and read.

I go to my favorite bookstore, and browse.

I go for a long drive,playing whatever music fits my mood,and basically scream the lyrics, with the windows down,hair flying everywhere. (Excellent stress relief)

I call, or visit, a good friend.

I call one of my adult kids,and just listen to them talk.

I schedule a day in which I just stay home,in my pajamas. I go nowhere,and I do as little around the house as possible. No housework, no laundry. And I order food in.

I watch one of my comfort shows. I have a few favorites, that help me feel calm.

I take a nap.

Occasionally, I spend the day in bed. I love my bed. I read,watch movies,etc.

I go to my favorite bakery,and buy a treat.

I take my dogs for a long walk. We live in the country, and they have the run of our 5 acres(invisible fence), so taking them on a walk every day isn't necessary. But, sometimes I do. For me..not them,lol.

This one is weird..my mom was cremated. I held onto her ashes,for a few years,because I wanted the perfect place to put her. She had made no requests. One day,it came to me. I have a favorite tree,on our property. I sprinkled her ashes around the tree. That way she would always be home(husband's family home,it will go to our kids when we pass), and, as an added bonus, she would always know who was coming,and going(she was nosy). Anyway, sometimes I go out,sit under the tree, and talk to my mom.

I guess you being nice to yourself, depends on what you like to do. If you don't have any hobbies, find something. My husband likes to hunt,and fish.

The point is to be kind to yourself. Stop negative talk. Stop spending time with anyone who doesn't bring you peace. Put yourself first Occasionally. I know,as a parent, that can feel odd. But,it's necessary. Take some time for yourself. It actually helps the kids. They see dad happy and more relaxed. It's good for them.

[This message edited by HellFire at 12:09 PM, Monday, March 25th]

Wishing you strength and peace and I read something last week that has really stuck with me on self love/care and hope it helps you too....

As I Began to Love Myself - Charlie Chaplin

As I began to love myself
I found that anguish and emotional suffering are only warning signs that I was living against my own truth.
Today, I know, this is Authenticity.

As I began to love myself
I understood how much it can offend somebody
As I try to force my desires on this person, even though I knew the time was not right, and the person was not ready for it, and even though this person was me.
Today I call this Respect.

As I began to love myself
I stopped craving for a different life, and I could see that everything that surrounded me was inviting me to grow.
Today I call this Maturity.

As I began to love myself
I understood that at any circumstance,
I am in the right place at the right time, and everything happens at the exactly right moment.
So I could be calm.
Today I call this Self-Confidence.

As I began to love myself
I quit stealing my own time, and I stopped designing huge projects for the future.
Today, I only do what brings me joy and happiness,
Things I love to do and that make my heart cheer,
And I do them in my own way, and in my own rhythm.
Today I call this Simplicity.

As I began to love myself
I freed myself of anything that is not good for my health – food, people, things, situations,
And everything that drew me down, and away from myself.
At first I called this attitude a healthy egoism.
Today I know it is Love of Oneself.

As I began to love myself
I quit trying to always be right, and ever since
I was wrong less of the time.
Today I discovered that is Modesty.

As I began to love myself, I refused to go on living in the past, and worrying about the future.
Now, I only live for the moment, where everything is happening.
Today I live each day, day by day,
and I call it Fulfilment.

As I began to love myself
I recognized that my mind can disturb me, and it can make me sick.
But as I connected it to my heart, my mind became a valuable ally.
Today I call this connection Wisdom of the Heart.

We no longer need to fear arguments, confrontations or any kind of problems with ourselves or others.
Even stars collide, and out of their crashing, new worlds are born.
Today I know: This is Life!

InkHulk,

Self-care for me as a 40 something man includes a haircut, cleaning/reorganizing my workshop/tool shed, building something small like a birdhouse, bird feeder or something to use in the garden, repairing something, working out to the point of exhaustion, reading a good book or purging old belongings (I usually donate them to a local charity or animal shelter).

Hope you have a couple of things to do that can take your mind off the marital strife.

My self care maybe a bit different because I was able to R. Before A my wife practically insisted I watch tv with her every night. (A quality time love language) I hate watching tv, especially reality shows. Her favorite. After the A, I only watch tv that I was interested in. All the other nights I would record music or learn new songs. I started playing in pickleball tournaments without her and also spent quality time with my younger brother, who is a professional musician. (And someone she doesn’t care for. He saw through her BS pre A)
I don't know if this is helpful but I hope it is.

Hi IH,

I pray that you are coping and adjusting to your decision to divorce.
Over the past six months I have been concerned about the slow progress your WW has undergone in her personal healing and in helping you to heal.

I had wondered: "what will it take for WW to wake up and make the effort".
Will this be the decision that motivates her and gets her out of this "foggy state" that she's been in?
I hope so.
Yet my concern is that you may find her transformation in attitude and effort to be too little too late.

Still praying for you and the family,
Grace and peace,
FAWH