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If you read my first post - I was waiting for many weeks now to get my things back. I said I wanted the things before Easter. I left a voicemail the other night (I would have spoken to him directly but he sent me to vmail). I simply said I wanted my items returned and didn't understand WHY he was ignoring them. My ending was "lets just get this over with..

The next morning I get a text from him - "Remember you wanted this breakup, not me".... No mention of how to return my things.

He's not man enough to pick up the phone and call - just a snarky comment. I was going to text something, but don't know what.

He's just proven to me again that he can't be humble and talk from his heart.

Ahhh, yes. His behavior is so familiar to me. Doesn't matter if he is officially diagnosed with a personality disorder or not--his behavior is high on that narcissistic scale. I know those types very well.

He will never give you your things back because YOU are the villain in his self-centered victim drama. It's only been a year. His treatment of you would have continued to get worse. You do not deserve your things back because you did not give him everything he wanted without question; he truly believes this. Poor baby. How dare you ask HIM to help YOU when you have treated him so badly. Ugh. Narcissists.

Does he have someone else? Who knows, who cares. His flirting in front of you is his blatant attempt to find as much new supply as possible. But that was happening in front of your face so was probably also happening behind your back. He just needs more attention than anyone can provide, and he has no bandwidth to give back...anything. Unless it benefits him or makes him look good. Meeting other people's needs is not something he can understand. He will always push people away with his behavior, even his own kids and sisters.

I know it hurts, but you have done the only thing you could do for your sanity. The high chair and cooler sound lovely, but keep your dignity by acting like you don't care and accepting the loss. Even a lawsuit will not deter him from retaining this power over you. The hurting you IS an ego boost for him. He enjoys it as much as positive kibbles because it all = power. When you are upset, he thinks he matters.

So very sorry. Narcissists are vampires sucking all of our joy. But the joy will come back. Hang on.

Thank you for your advice. It’s pretty much what I thought but it’s good to hear it from someone else. I’m too old to play childish games.

Yeah, I'll agree with OIN. Any attention feeds their ego.

The only other thing I could think of is to say you're going to be there at a certain date & time to get your things. Then take your son with you and go completely NC after that. Whether jerk face will be there or not is another issue. If he isn't there, then I'd just let it go.

I hope you are doing ok, itsabaddream. Break ups are never easy, but they can be even more confusing and hurtful when dealing with a narcissist. Something about their charm and devotion coupled with their lack of empathy makes our heads and hearts just spin. A relationship with a narcissist can feel like a drug addiction--so bad but so good. It's very hard to walk away from all that even though we know it's what needs to happen.

In my experience, once you notice their hurtful, dismissive tendencies, you just can't unsee it and the relationship can't continue. But it's very tempting to want to help them see how hurtful they are or hope that something wakes them up. I know for me, my childhood with my mother programmed me to keep hoping. That's how I lived my life for a quarter century until I started IC and learned that she was never going to change, so in my gut, waiting for people to love me right--and taking it personally when they don't--is ingrained.

Be nice to yourself. His letting you go is NOT because you are not amazing. It's because he literally cannot change. He cannot. He is broken. He cannot see that growing and changing would get him the validation he needs in life. He is too attached to this lofty view of himself as a catch, a "picky guy" who deserves the best, a handsome ladies' man. He thinks keeping this image is the way to preserve his self-esteem. Narcissists cannot and will not let go of this view of their perfection. To them, it feels like it's all they have to shield themselves from utter vulnerability and emotional annihilation. They must protect the way they see themselves at all cost, no matter who gets hurt along the way.

If it makes you feel any better, I have read that narcissistic people suffer from lots of loneliness and depression living this way. Even if he has a new someone (which I doubt--probably just flirtations right now), it won't work out. It can't. Eventually people want things, and he will never be capable of giving anything. He is too busy with the work of constantly building and maintaining his fragile ego. He is probably sad and lonely and missing what you had, but he's unfortunately blaming you and focused on making his own self feel great--which has nothing to do with owning any relationship faults. In his view, "How would that make me feel great? Faults? I don't have any faults; you do. THAT idea makes me feel good." It's a cyclical crazy.

I'm really sorry. I know you are hurting. A year is a long time to be with someone. Some IC could really help you process this all. It's good to talk about it. Journaling helps so much too. I wish you the best in recovering from this, but it honestly could have been worse. Have you ever read Lundy Bancroft's Why Does He Do That? I saw so much of my exes in the book and really saw how things could have been worse. It made me feel better, stronger. I wish you much luck and peace in your healing.

Thank you. It's so nice for people to take out of their day to write and share advice. Yes, I am still hurting, but forcing myself to go out on a couple dates. I signed up online again after the 1st time I broke it off, and then never interacted with anyone until this final time. I've gone on a couple dates each with 2 different guys, who are wonderful. I cried on the ride home after 2 dates because they treated me so great, doing all the things I'd been begging the ex to do, like a hand on your back when walking, compliments, eye contact, SMILING AT ME (I know - something so small like that was HUGE for me) telling me I looked so nice, etc, etc. I had forgotten what a real date was like, because we only went twice in a year to a nice place for dinner (and he had to wear his political hat and constantly was looking around the room, rather than at me.)

I don't know how to respond to his last text "remember, you wanted this breakup, not me"...

He didn't say a word about how to get my things back, and here it is today, Easter, which was my deadline date.

I guess I read too much into his text - I originally thought - he's having second thoughts.....

But then thought - he's reinforcing that it was ME who wanted to break up, therefore, his guilt is now gone about looking, or having others.

But it's still sad for me. I have an Easter basket here for his grandson, which I put together many weeks ago. I thought I was done looking for my "person". and I could just sit back and relax and enjoy and grow the relationship. We introduced each other to our families - I thought I had a future. It wasn't perfect but originally I thought it could be worked on and get better..

You know that scene in Pretty Woman where Julia Roberts returns to the clothing store where she was disrespected, and after buying things elsewhere, she holds up the bags and says "BIG MISTAKE, BIG MISTAKE". I wish there was an emoji because I would send that to him....

And I know you're all thinking it's too early to try dating again but I'm using it as a diversion. Not to get serious about anyone. I know I'm not ready.

Anyway, thanks again. I really appreciate all you have to say....

[This message edited by itsa(bad)dream at 7:35 PM, Monday, April 1st]

Having grown up with Narcissists, maybe I'm reacting from my own experience but that kind of challenge deserves to be met. He is daring you to do something about your stuff. I think I'd have to get serious with that.

I’d say go to the police station and find out the steps to get your stuff back, and don’t warn him.

Get your stuff back, don’t engage with him, then go NC and grey rock him. If you can, go on a nice 2 week vacation, regroup, and then enjoy dating again. You are the prize, and when you read on this site the Mens section, you’ll see there are truly greT guys out there. Thankfully you recognized a snake and you are ready to have a real, sincere guy to date.

You gave him the high chair. Granted you imposed conditions later, I very much doubt a judge would make him give it back. The cooler, I'd chalk both up as a lost cause. I don't think anyone has ever broken up and gotten everything back. Lesson learned, if you think a relationship isn't going where you want it to, get your stuff before breaking up. I'm sorry about the high chair. The rest is replaceable, though. It's best to just go complete NC and cut your losses. He's getting off on pushing your buttons.

I won't give up on the high chair. It has a big meaning to me. Even if we had stayed together I would have taken it back once his grandson outgrew it, and given it to my son for his future grandchildren.. I don't know what to do - or say - I had given him the time frame of Easter to figure out a way to get my stuff, but that's done with.
I'm still bothered by his text - "Remember you wanted this breakup, not me".... I WISH it meant he wanted to fix this, but I feel if he really did, he would have called me endlessly when it first happened. And when I called him, he would have taken the opportunity to TALK, rather than send me to voicemail.

A part of me thinks he used that text to relieve his guilt at how he handled things. For the last few months, he was always dismissive of my feelings (always regarding how much he was working and not being present in our relationship), and rotten in how he treated me, and wouldn't ever sit and talk like an adult to come to a compromise.. So, I think he set the stage, saw someone else he wanted, etc., so pushed me hard so I would be the one to end it. He knew i had done it before, so he knew exactly what to do to push my buttons.

Maybe my scenario is wrong, maybe it's right. I just don't know what to text back. I won't call him anymore because it's insulting when he lets it go to voicemail. Probably the best thing is just to tell him to leave my things outside his garage on a day he's working, and I'll just take the trip to get the stuff..

I just keep running these thoughts through my head over and over, and thinking how little I must have meant to him. I feel stupid.

You had in right in your title. You know he’s a narc so his response is to be expected and is designed to get an emotional reaction from you. Don’t fall for it, grey rock all the way. Your stuff is last hold of power over you so expect him to play dirty. If you can afford a lawyer get them to send him a letter demanding your stuff or you’ll take legal action. Except him to blow his top and for it not to go smoothly, he’ll probably ‘forget’ to include something he knows you value. Either write it off or get your lawyer to send another letter. Do not engage him it’s what he wants.

Here's what Google says:

If someone has taken your personal belongings and refuses to return them, there are legal steps you can take to reclaim your property. Here are some options you can consider:

Make a List of Items Taken:
Start by creating a detailed list of the items that were taken. Include specific descriptions and their estimated replacement costs. This evidence will be useful if you decide to file a police report, an insurance claim, or pursue legal action in small claims court. For example:
New 2023 Silver MacBook Air 13" Laptop: $1,000
New 2023 Black Samsung TV 55": $350

File a Police Report:
If someone has stolen your belongings, file a police report. Be prepared to provide evidence that you lent the property and clearly communicated your desire to have it returned.

Request a Civil Standby:
You can ask for a civil standby, where law enforcement accompanies you to retrieve your property from the other person. This can help ensure a safe exchange.

Send a Demand Letter:
Write a demand letter to the individual who took your belongings. Clearly state your ownership of the items, request their return, and set a deadline.

File an Insurance Claim:
If you have insurance coverage, consider filing a claim for your stolen items. Provide documentation to support your claim. (I'm an insurance agent. I advise against this because the value of the claimed items likely won't exceed your deductible AND you don't want a theft claim on your record.)

Sue in Small Claims Court:
If other methods fail, you can sue the individual in small claims court. Small claims court is suitable for cases involving a specific dollar amount (usually under $5,000). Examples of filed small claims lawsuits can serve as references.

Your stuff is last hold of power over you so expect him to play dirty.

This^^^ especially if he's a narc and he sounds like one with his great victimhood display

I would tell him when you will be over to collect your items. Collect them and never look back. I hope you don't have ti involve small claims court or the police. I'm so sorry you are dealing with such a man child.

Probably the best thing is just to tell him to leave my things outside his garage on a day he's working, and I'll just take the trip to get the stuff..

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I fully understand about the highchair. Leave him a message to leave it outside on a certain day and time and tell him if it's not there, you will get a police officer to come with you to get it.

I’m so frustrated by all of this and how I feel so deceived. I’ve never been involved with someone like this before. A person can be so emotionless, and then try to make you believe they never wanted to break up? I guess that’s gaslighting, right?

I still can’t believe it. I guess my instincts were on point right from the beginning. I always had doubts whether or not we could live together one day but thought with more time together, that might happen. Do these men ever feel bad for hurting a good person?

No. It's all transactional and what you can do for them.

Dr. Ramani has some great YouTube videos. She's an expert in treating people for NPD abuse. They have been very helpful for me to process my XWH'S NPD abuse.

If he really cared for you, he would understand how much that chair means for you. However for some selfish reasons he doesn't consider returning the chair to be in his best interests.

Have you talked with anyone on his side about it? A close friend or family you trust? Somebody who he doesn't want to loose? (The parents of the grandson who is using the chair perhaps.) Maybe one of them can persuade or reason him to return your items. Bet they don't even know about this returning stuff situation or how much you want that chair returned. Why would he tell if it looks bad on him. Saving face is in his interest.