SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

…because deep down you already knew the truth. I just wasn't confirming it." ~WS

Seriously, WTAF?!!

Holy shit.

RUN.

What the hell?

I am seriously so sorry. TT is literally the worst then for someone to say that?

That's one of the most asinine things I've ever read.

Next time somebody starts a SSWS (Stupid Shit Waywards Say), please post this.

Please tell me you told him to repeat himself and ask him if he really just said that in full conscience

Wow, what a gaslight from a bad gaslighter.

This is just one example:

On DDay, 7 years ago, I didn't have a lot of evidence. I asked to read their messages, and there were only a few suspicious ones. One of the messages was especially suspicious, and it was that message that kept me pushing for the full truth all these years. They were on a work trip. At around 4AM he sent her a message "What is your room number?" She didn't reply.

I asked why he sent that. I thought the truth is he wanted to hook up with her. I thought the truth is there was much more going on than he was telling me. His replies:

Spring 2017: The truth is we all were partying that night. I got blackout drunk. I don't remember anything. I don't remember sending that. I don't remember why I sent that. There was nothing going on, we were just friends. I don't even find her attractive.

Summer 2017: The truth is we were all partying that night. I got blackout drunk. I fell asleep. I woke up and realized they were gone. I thought they went somewhere else, perhaps to her room. That's why I asked that. I don't remember it clearly, but nothing was going on. I don't even find her attractive. I just worded the message poorly (because I was drunk), I should've asked "Where are you?"

2018, 2019, 2020, 2021: mostly sticking to the reply above + minor changes.

January 2022: The truth is we were all partying that night. I got blackout drunk. I fell asleep. I woke up and realized they were gone. Around that time, she was sending me mixed signals, I thought she's into me. I sent that message because I wanted to see whether I have a shot with her. I only wanted to see whether I still "got it". Around that time, I was depressed, I lacked self-confidence, I felt unattractive. I only wanted to see whether some other woman beside you finds me attractive. If she had replied, that would be enough. I wouldn't cheat, that is my boundary. There was nothing going on. I didn't even find her attractive.

March 2022: The truth is we were all partying that night. I got blackout drunk. I fell asleep. I woke up and realized they were gone. Around that time, she was sending me mixed signals, I thought she's into me. I sent that message because I wanted to see whether I have a shot with her. I wanted to see whether I still "got it". However, it looks like I also had a crush on her. Around that time, I was thinking about her a lot, and wanted to spend more time with her. I actually dismissed the thought that I'm crushing on her. I didn't find her attractive. I just wanted to see what she thinks of me. I saw that as a good opportunity to find out. I don't know what would happen if she had replied. I don't think I would go and cheat on you. It would become "too real".

September 2022: The truth is around that time, she was sending me mixed signals, I thought she's into me. I thought the work trip is a good opportunity to find out what she thinks of me. I had a crush on her. Before we went to the party, I gave myself permission to cheat. I told myself, if an opportunity arises, I will go for it. She pretty much ignored me the whole evening. Then I got blackout drunk, fell asleep, and when I woke up, I thought to myself "I didn't get an answer". That's why I sent that. I don't know what would happen if she had replied. Most likely, I would cheat but I can't tell that for certain. I didn't find her attractive, but she wasn't repulsive either. I didn't have feelings for her.

October-December 2022: The truth is around that time, she was sending me mixed signals, I thought she's into me. I thought the work trip is a good opportunity to find out what she thinks of me. I had a crush on her. Before we went to the party, I gave myself permission to cheat. I told myself, if an opportunity arises, I will go for it. She pretty much ignored me the whole evening. Then I got blackout drunk, fell asleep, and when I woke up, I thought to myself "I didn't get an answer". That's why I sent that. I had feelings for her that made her look attractive. If she had replied, I would most likely cheat.

April 2024: (I don't even want to write it down, as it hurts too much.)

Basically, he wanted to hook up with her, and there was much more going on than he was telling me on DDay.

So, you see, it's not the trickle-truth since I "knew" the truth from the start. He just wasn't confirming it.

Basically, he wanted to hook up with her, and there was much more going on than he was telling me on DDay.

Of course he did. OF COURSE HE DID.

But also, "it doesn't count as trickle truth because you already suspected the truth, despite the fact that I was lying about it," involves some impressive logical leaps.

I'm sorry Hannah. My d-day was around the same time yours was. I think we're around the same age. 7 years is a hell of a long time to still be having these types of bullshit conversations. If he hasn't gotten it by now, he's probably never going to. You've been through an awful lot.

Oh Hannah. That is horrible. What a jerk.

How many chances are you giving him to come clean? Or are you trying to get to where you can just deal with where you are at?
What do you want, given that he is not giving you a lot to work with.

TT is the worst. You deserve better.

Wow, so sorry that is just ridiculous. My WW told me once "I wasn't hiding anything because you found it".

Wow. That’s like someone setting you on fire then, "Oh no! Let me help!" *pours gasoline on fire*
"There. That’s much better."

Pretty much what my WW said too when I asked her why she failed to include all sorts of salient details in her first post admission timeline. Her assinine reply was that I must have known everything already so why duplicate what I already knew. That shit changed pretty darn fast when I implemented a modified 180 and she could see I had one foot halfway out the door. From that point everything improved, and she came clean with everything she was able to remember from her LTA fifty two years ago.
We are in the process of reconciling, and I had been working on the.task.of forgiveness, mostly for my own benefit, I grew exhausted by the expenditure of so much energy being constantly in a state of anger. Now I am very glad I called her out on her insultingly stupid comment and we are in a much better place . My wife literally saved my.life a month ago when I was comatose and close to death, circling the drain with advanced septicemia and she dragged me into her car,drove me across the desert like the proverbial bat out of Hell to the nearest hospital where she remained by my bedside for.five days after I was moved from the ICU. Forgiveness has been earned, my WW is walking the walk.

How many chances are you giving him to come clean? Or are you trying to get to where you can just deal with where you are at?

It hasn't been about chances for a very long time now. The betrayal was never resolved. I didn't get crucial answers to extract meaning from it and to start processing it properly. Perhaps it's the Zeigarnik Effect – I can't move on until the betrayal is resolved. I guess it's about a desperate attempt to make some sense out of the mess in my head. TT is responsible for most of that mess. I had to adapt to so many realities, that I've started to experience difficulties in determining what is real now. I don't know how to explain it. It's causing serious problems, and I can't live like this anymore. Therefore, desperation.

I figured it's better to express my frustration here, than to do something stupid.

Thank you all for support, it means a lot!

Hannah your story is so sad (like all infidelity stories) but more so because you’ve been searching for peace for such a long time now, the pain in your posts is palpable. It is obvious that you are not getting what you need in order to heal. Not only that but you’ve been gaslighted so badly that you now question your own reality (I’ve been there…).

It’s easy to say "cut and run" but I know it isn’t always that simple. You are in my thoughts, keep posting.

Some WS's manipulate because they simply don't understand, or they have generally stumbled through life doing so to get what they want or need.

They we have your wayward, who very clearly understands what manipulation is and is using it as a tool to stonewall your inquiries.

You need to be done with him now. Not two weeks from now, or a month from now. He knows he is gaslighting and manipulating you, but he could not care less. Be done with him.

This definitely falls under "stupid shit WSes say" when they are trying to protect their self-image. Mine was defensive and didn't want to think of himself as a bad person. It wasn't until a month or so after I asked for separation (in house) that he started to face what he had truly done and the person he had allowed himself to become.

Hannah, you don't have to leave him, but he has to know that you're willing to leave him and not put up with this kind of nonsense, otherwise he has no incentive to change. My WS said that he kept lying and TTing after dday because he was so terrified that he would lose me. He had to actually lose me for a while in order to get past that. I wish that hadn't been the case because it's done lasting damage to me and to our relationship, but my WS isn't built that way.

I'm so sorry you've been dealing with this for 7 years!

Your WH will drop dead from embarrassment if he comes to a self realization of how dumb that makes him seem

can't move on until the betrayal is resolved. I guess it's about a desperate attempt to make some sense out of the mess in my head. TT is responsible for most of that mess. I had to adapt to so many realities, that I've started to experience difficulties in determining what is real now. I don't know how to explain it. It's causing serious problems, and I can't live like this anymore. Therefore, desperation.

I understand why you feel this way.

However, I would like to edit this:

"I can’t move on with the marriage unless the betrayal is resolved."

Truth is, you can move on, I know it doesn’t seem like it. But you have to stop putting the power in his hands and put them in yours.

There is a little girl inside of you that maybe no one has ever looked after properly. She is waiting for you to take the reigns and protect yourself. Putting your worth, your happiness in this man’s hands is a sure trip to misery.

You need to 180, take back your power and start thinking about how to make yourself happy regardless of him. Do you have resources for a therapist? A great book is codependent no more.

Start making steps to look after you, and if you can’t leave the marriage there is no reason you have to be its martyr. Do things for you. Prioritize you. Stop letting this asshat drag you down into this abyss. You are divinely loved and inherently worthy and you can start looking at happiness if you stop looking at him to give it to you.

Hannah, you don't have to leave him, but he has to know that you're willing to leave him and not put up with this kind of nonsense, otherwise he has no incentive to change.

This is true. And it still might not be enough. But you can start feeling better if you can learn to detach from him.

[This message edited by hikingout at 10:02 PM, Thursday, April 18th]

I second everything that hikingout said.

He's not being a good husband and he doesn't deserve a good wife. Stop being that for him. 180 the hell out of this and see what happens for you. It doesn't matter what he does in response to the 180. I want to see what happens FOR YOU when you find your power.

Codependent No More and Facing Codependence are both good, and widely available. I hope you crack into one of them ASAP.

[This message edited by SacredSoul33 at 9:57 PM, Thursday, April 18th]

Thank you so much for that message, hikingout.