SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I keep feeling that I’m missing out. I feel like my fWH got 18 months of a fling and romance even if it was a crappy one. He got to feel the feels of "beginnings" and "newness" and discovery" when he cheated.

I want some of that too I think. I actually feel like I am getting older as this trauma has aged me and made me feel heavy.

I feel like I deserve to feel something other than despair.

I don’t want to be a madhatter but I’m feeling like I got the short end of the stick.

Will this go away?

I get that. Early on I spent a lot of time being resentful of the fact that he had YEARS of escapism and I had years of doubling down on responsibility.

BUT after time, IC and my own healing, I realized that old adage rings true - Living Well is the Best Revenge.

Still a bitter pill to swallow - but it allowed me shift my focus from resentment to what my future of living well will look like.

I think this is a totally natural and understandable feeling. I felt the same thing too. She got to have fun, at least for a while before things turned south for her. This was exacerbated by the fact I felt she had no consequences other than the typical " I feel horrible for hurting you" and me having no respect for her. There is no justice.

I absolutely understand these feelings. I felt that way for a while as well. I remember saying to me WH over and over how ‘You know it’s not like you are the only man in the world that I want to have sex with. There are plenty of other men I find attractive and would love to fuck’. And it’s true BUT we just seem to understand that when you get married in a monogamous relationship that we just don’t do that.

The other thing that really gave me the shits was that when he slept with her he would leave work early and have close to a whole day off. Like I would love a day off work to just chill and do what I like!!!!

It’s possible that the cheater lives the rest of their life with deep regret and shame. If that’s the case the "fun" of the affair ends up being more regret.

I think that the affair is no longer a good memory for them.

Then be single.

I have these same exact feelings!! WH was out having fun while I was at home taking care of young kids when they were sick, when they were healthy, doing all the things. The injustice of it all gets to me. I had many chances to cheat, and I often wonder if my pain would be less if I had cheated.

I’m choosing not to be single right now for various reasons. But, that doesn’t mean I can’t feel these feelings and work through them.

I’ve felt this way especially the second year since discovery. It is starting to fade and I am grateful for that. I do still think about having that experience of someone new but if I’m really honest with myself I don’t ultimately want that. I think it just hurts to know that my WH did. He was willing to sacrifice our relationship for very temporary excitement. I don’t know when that will be less hurtful.
I also was home taking care of things at home and a mentally ill child while he was having one night stands. I honestly just can’t even think on it for very long the injustice of it will never be made right. I did think about having my own relationship for a while and told him I may do that. I would be honest about it. And I’ve told him I am not committed to him yet. But the further out I get the more I don’t necessarily want that. I don’t want a shallow ego boost from someone that hardly knows me. But I totally understand the feeling of just wanting to experience that new love feeling again. I still had it at times for my WH before i knew about his affairs but man it’s completely gone now.
I’m sorry you are struggling. Feeling that way in a relationship is very uncomfortable. I’m a committed and loyal person. So having that feeling of missing out or wanting to experience someone new was uncomfortable for me. I will say this feeling starts to fade as I become happier in my life in general. Doing things for myself. Making my own goals. My relationship with my WH is improving but that has not been the biggest factor. It has been finding contentment in myself. Outside of anyone external.

It’s possible that the cheater lives the rest of their life with deep regret and shame. If that’s the case the "fun" of the affair ends up being more regret.

It’s also possible that deep in their brains they are able resurrect the intense feeling that sex with a different partner gives. Especially if they didn’t receive some harsh consequences for their betrayal. You just can’t know

Yes, it can go away.

On d-day, my husband left me to live with his AP.

During some of that time, I felt similarly to you. He gets a new partner, a new life, living in a very nice house (her house), no financial worries ( she had more money than he did, but during the long term affair, he spent our $25k travelling abroad with her).

I got nothing but trauma and I felt so envious of his great new life!

Until I saw the consequences of his actions at play in real life. Our adult kids were horrified, his family shocked in disbelief. Their heavy drinking continued. I for the most part, ignored him except to settle our finances and separation.

It no longer was fun for him. I could see that. And in his own words he said that the new partnership was like getting a new car…shiny and fun until the first ding .. Then it was no longer new nor as fun. Apparently there were lots of dings. LOL.

During this time I was surrounding myself with people who helped me see thru my trauma, my anger, disappointment, disgust, my envy and my despair etc. He only had her, another functional alcoholic by his side.

All of this went away for me, when I realized that I actually felt sorry for those two idiots and that I pitied their new life together.

PS. Entering the sixth year of our reconciliation.

Wait- what?
Notabotingwife- you reconciled with him?

The other thing that really gave me the shits was that when he slept with her he would leave work early and have close to a whole day off.

I get this, even many years later, I still remember, pushing to get home, because I got up early and left before anybody else in the house was up, went to work, and very busy days, then I would get home as quickly as I could, my wife would often be frustrated. If I was later than usual, then I would watch the kids while she got out to do some shopping or just take a break. During the affair, she would be very irritable with me, angry, because I was late from being caught in traffic.

In MC, she blamed me for the affair, because of my workdays, because I wasn't home, this actually took place in counseling.

Then, when she finally really confessed, told the real truth, it turned out I was home watching the kids and doing laundry when she was going out to fuck the AP.

No wonder she was upset. She didn't always have a babysitter, she needed me to get home, and not be late. If she had just told me the real reason, I would've understood better, but I also wouldn't have tried so hard to get home earlier.