SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I’m not really sure where to post this, so mods do move if you think necessary.

It’s an odd topic, but hopefully someone has some advice. I do intend to discuss in IC too.

XWH’s cheating spanned several years. It started when our first two children were under 2. I didn’t find out until 5 years later.

During that 5 years, we had another baby. Now, I admit that I (for whatever reason) really felt like I wanted a third. XWH was a bit iffy and I knew the first time around had been hard, but I thought we could put in place things like extra help this time around. So eventually he agreed and we planned and tried for a third. We were lucky enough to fall pregnant after a few months and the baby was born. I felt that our family was complete.

Baby was still young when D Day hit and all hell broke loose. Eventually we D-d and we now coparent.

However, XWH continually makes comments to me saying ‘ you have too many children’. Usually in the context of discussing the different needs of the children. To be fair, he provides for the youngest in the same way that he does for the other two. But these comments really grate on me. I always warn him not to say anything in front of the child, that it will mess with the child’s head. XWH also often says that I spoil the youngest, whereas I just think I’m meeting developmental needs of a younger child (there’s a bit of a gap between child 2 and child 3).

The last ‘too many children’ comment was yesterday and it’s still hanging heavy on my mind. Usually I can shake it off, logically knowing that XWH didn’t have to agree if he really didn’t want to, but today I’m feeling really guilty about suggesting we have the third. Obviously if I had known he was cheating I would never have done so. But I didn’t know, and XWH says that he agreed to have the baby because I wanted to (I think he may have said at some point - after D Day when I was devastated that he had had a baby with me while cheating on me - that he wanted to give me what I wanted?). He had never intended to leave me - his cheating involved ONSs.

I just don’t know how to deal with these thoughts, and the attendant sadness…

[This message edited by Perdita1 at 11:20 AM, Wednesday, April 24th]

Is your husband spiritual?

Like a devout Christian that believes blindly and unquestionably in The Immaculate Conception of Mary?

If so and he thinks there are too many kids in his household without him having anything to do with it then suggest he sue God for child support.

Other than that – if you have faith then I would thank God for the divorce.

And... Next time he makes that stupid and insensitive comment rebut with:
The problem with our marriage was not too many children, but that you had too many women.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 12:46 PM, Wednesday, April 24th]

The problem with our marriage was not too many children, but that you had too many women.

YES!!!

You refer to them as "our" children. He refers to them as "your" children. Does he keep himself separated from the children or is he involved as a parent?

It sounds like he's trying to bait you to get you to argue with him - for his enjoyment. Can you do everything through a parenting ap so that you don't have to discuss much at all? Do you have somebody who can do the transfer for you for a little bit so that you aren't seeing and talking to him? It sounds like you need to be NC as much as possible.

What kind of father says there's "too many children" about the kids he fathered??

NC all the way- for your sake and the kids'.

I grew up in a household where I knew from an early age that I was an "accident" - however "wanted" or not, to be seen as someone who was an extra in any way was and is something I still deal with to this day. In no way should your kids ever be made to think they were unwanted/too much.

Protect their innocence at all costs. NC except through a parenting app.

I truly hope nothing as awful as "too many children" ever leaks out of his mouth while he has the kids.

And yes, thank God for your divorce.

That's such a weird thing to say.

I think I'd be inclined to say something like, "I don't know if you're trying to be funny, but you need to STFU. Child is here and not going anywhere, so your comment is pointless and potentially very, very hurtful if Child were to overhear you. Also, YOU agreed, and Child is OUR child, so knock it off with the digs at me."

What a putz.

Tell him the number of kids is not the problem. But agree with him that you had one too many husbands….. a problem you rectified.

Thank you all so much for reassuring me that I’m not crazy, because sometimes all his comments make me feel that I am!

I wish I could work out how to do the quoting thing in the phone, but in the absence of that…to answer some specific questions:

- XWH is involved as much as you might expect a father who works long hours can be. I’ve always been very much the primary caregiver, and until D Day it was perfectly usual for the children to only see daddy before he left for work (early) on weekday mornings (he was never home in time for bedtime) and at weekends. Post-D I have the children the majority of the time due to his work.

- They are always ‘my’ children when he is complaining about them. Naturally as soon as they achieve something it’s all ‘his genes’…

- He may well be trying to dig at me, although in a way that would be easier to cope with. I’m just desperately sad for my child that he seems to genuinely believe what he’s saying. MIgander, I’m so sorry to hear about your struggles and that is exactly what I worry about.

I will definitely look to reduce contact. At the moment there is more than usual due to some changes on the horizon, which is probably not helping.

you have too many children

When he says this, remind him that he had too many secrets, those secrets got him where he is today.

It isn't "you" that have those children, there was a father involved in having those children.

It has nothing to do with the children, or the number of children.

It also has absolutely nothing to do with you.

Saying things like this, it's not only unhelpful, but it can be very damaging, as you well know, if a child finds out that they were not wanted.

That’s the biggest fear, that he says that in front of the children. In fact, the other day when he made that comment last I think he said he had told that to the child, but we were talking over the phone so I couldn’t be certain that I’d heard right, or if I had heard right but he wasn’t being serious.

How did I end up having kids with someone last that?? Sometimes that really eats away at me…

I really hope he did not say that in front of any of the children. Throw-away comments like that stick with people.

I have always been the "darling daughter" and apple of my dad's eye. But I will never forget him very earnestly saying, "I never wanted kids. I love the ones I have, but I never wanted to have kids."

I would draw a hard line and tell him if he ever says something like this in front of his children you will be forced to take action.
What a horrific thing to say. What a shitty parent.

The thing is, what action could I take? No judge would stop him seeing the children over unsubstantiated comments. I’m left feeling powerless, I hate that can’t protect the child. I have told XWH that if he says that to child he will end up forking out for the child’s therapy bills - money seems to make the most sense to him, sadly.

SadieMae - ugh, I’m sorry that your dad said that to you. I suspect my XWH is of a similar mindset - he loves child 3, but he never wanted to have that third child. It’s very hurtful, even though it seems that logically there is a distinction between ‘deciding to have a child’ and ‘loving child once it arrives’.

Not read all the responses and whether this has been answered.... he does realise that they are his kids too???

It's not a case of "your children" it should always be "our children". I have sometimes snapped at my BS for her describing them as "my children" but that's only in the context of her trying to show how much hurt I caused to our girls. But regardless i would never say YOUR children.

He chose to have a third.....and that isnt too many!!

Sadly you realized he was your third child all along 😂. The additional baby was your 4th child IMO.

I would ignore him and not respond. Act like he never said it. You’ve stated your concerns and he’s just acting like a spoiled baby who is unhappy and wants everyone else unhappy along with him.

He’s a toddler who keeps saying the same thing over and over. Yeah he sounds completely immature.

Whatever his complaint is — HE AGREED TO THE THIRD CHILD. Time to move on IMO.

Did you hold a gun to his head Perdita? Steal his little swimmers? He's a douche canoe, who does not deserve any of those children. You suggested having a third on the basis of having a loving, faithful husband, so really he's the one that should feel guilt, not you.

WOW - the dumb ass excuses are strong with your WH.