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I don’t know why I am writing this. I just need somewhere to vent. I heard all you said last time not sure yet if I agree completely as I sometimes feel myself and my husband are stuck in this continued pattern of behaviour and both of us are to blame. I am to blame as most of the time I am busy I don’t think about things, I am a naturally happy person so I am content and when he is out at work I feel mostly happy despite the occasional flashbacks and down days and feeling overwhelmed with 3 kids and a job. I am to blame as I should just not bring it up anymore and just move on and not talk about it anymore to friends which I have tried to stop. am not sure who this helps to give bringing it up.

So again my husband has been in a bad mood this week. Something happened with a supposed work colleague who has betrayed him and treated him badly. I noticed he was in a bad mood but he didn’t seem to want to talk about much. Anyway this week, I hear constantly how no one loves him, he has no friends, I am his only source of support and not a great one. He got really annoyed as I had two meetings with my friends for nights out (I still helped with the bedtime) he accuses me of not wanting to spend time with him(despite the fact that he went out in two work nights, one where the ap was there and he didn’t bother telling me, tbf he comes home at a very reasonable time). I am dreading getting invited out as I know it will cause this cycle of you are always going out galavanting, you don’t want to spend time with me. I have gotten one for my sister in laws birthday in the morning and he go longer speaks to her and again I have gotten the you don’t love me. He always does let me go but he makes such a big deal out of it that in future I am thinking of not going. I am going out a lot more as before this I never went out.

Anyway, last night after him drinking a few drinks he comes into the bathroom as I am doing bath time, and starts bringing up things I have done after dday. You betrayed me etc you nearly cost me my job I would never have been able to work again. I say let it go as the kids are there and I don’t want to talk about it. We are then watching something and he again starts on the you don’t love me, you don’t want to spend time with me. You don’t show me any affection etc. I snap and turn to him and say if that was the case why didn’t you run off with your little girlfriend.

he again turns off the tv tells me to leave, calls me a name or two. I say I am sick of it, and he is always mean when drunk and me and our eldest who is now 7 notices it and calls it ‘ his moods’. After I get a text message from him with notes of what happened and in it, it mentions me snapping about his gf but not the names he calls me.

The next morning, he blames it allon me. You don’t love me, you are cold, leave me or love me. Tbf I am not the most physically affectionate, I think due to my upbringing as my parents did not show much physical affection and they were not overtly affectionate with I love you but I am a very warm, outgoing person and have good friends.

Anyway, I am just sick of this cycle. I want to be more demonstrative with my love but 1. I am tired looking after the kids and working and 2. I think my body holds onto the hurt (I mentally prepare for sex by seeing it as something that will put him in a good mood and I do enjoy it) but he has emotionally, hurt me so badly. Any help appreciated or just some empathy

Also the stick my husband likes to beat me with is this (mine is his affair).

Four weeks after dday and he was still seeing the ap he came to my home country to help me bring the kids back. In the car I accidentally said I was embarrassed to go back as when I was in a state I told loads of random people and I was so embarrassed that I had decided to come back as o thought I was leaving so didn’t care.

Anyway my husband gets mad at this and then my son collaborates and says amummy told everyone on the phone he was listening in.

This involved three hours of him berating me in the car, how I dare I do this, I cost him his relationship with his mum (which he has back now). He was crying and shouting at me. I was so ashamed that I remained quiet. When we got back home I rang his mum asking her to reach out that I was worried as she had ignored him since

[This message edited by Lemonpie at 9:41 PM, Saturday, April 27th]

He is abusive. Emotionally and physically.

Note how no matter what he does - drinks, slaps, affairs, rages - it is always, always your fault. Not an ounce of humility in him. Not a drop of ownership for his own behavior.

Also note his trying to control you. You can't see your friends without it being some test of your love for him? Bullshit.

Sorry, but this sounds super toxic and not good for your kids.

This is so awful for your kids and you. He is abusive, he should be labeled abusive. Gentle slaps are not okay. Pushing you to the ground is not okay. It sounds like you are trauma bonded to him. You're making excuses for his behaviour, blaming yourself. None of this is your fault. Nobody deserves to be emotionally and physically abused ever no matter what they do. Please please get some help, call a dv shelter. Please get your kids out of this toxic environment, they deserve so much better and so do you.

You are being actively emotionally abused. You are actively being manipulated and are clearly trauma bonded. Otherwise you would be able to see that all of this is on him. He badgers you to the point of breaking and then blames you for breaking. He has physically harmed your kids. He got you to drop the charges.
I know you believe this is all your fault but it is NOT! You really need to step back and look at this as an outsider. If your daughter was in a relationship like yours what would you do, what would tell her.

I do not mean to pile on, hut your H ticks every box I can think of for being an 'abuser'. The reason you're not 'moving on' is that he continues to abuse you day after day.

He is not behaving like a remorseful WS. R is impossible at this point.

Your H needs help, but he won't accept it from you. You are, after all, his possession. If he won't seek help, what will it take for you to protect yourself?

I know it's very difficult to see the man you love as the abuser he is - but it's something you pretty much have to do.

You need to love your children more than him. They know they need to walk on eggshells because he's abusive. He hit your daughter. He HIT your child.

You have been so abused,for so long, that you've convinced yourself this is all your fault. The only fault you have,is keeping your kids in this environment.

You need to get out. Now. Otherwise, your kids will run as soon as they are legally able to, and they will go NC with you and their horrible father. Is he worth losing your children?

I remember your last thread. You were adamant that he would never physically hurt you, or the kids. Now we find out he already has. And you actually believe he won't do it again out of fear. I have worked with abused women. I'm going to tell you the truth. All of his "no one loves me," and "its all your fault" bullshit is laying the groundwork for him to hit you,and those kids again..only next time he will have gaslighted you into actually believing it's all your fault, so you don't tell the police. It's all manipulation. And it's working. Abusers very rarely stop abusing out if fear. Sure, that might work for awhile, but he will do it again.

You actually said he went out, socially, with the AP, and said tbf. TO BE FAIR?? There is NEVER and circumstance in which he should be out socially with her present.

You need to run. You won't. But you need to.

One day, you will have to explain to your daughter that she needs to leave her abusive husband. And she will ask why, because you never did. And you will be bailing your sin out of jail. They will absolutely seek out abusers as a partner, or become the abuser.

Love those kids enough to save them.

[This message edited by HellFire at 3:58 PM, Thursday, April 25th]

Please contact a battered women’s shelter ASAP. And get into IC. As the other posters said, you are being abused. You are modeling that this is okay to your kids. It’s so hard when you are in it, but you need to get out. Please save yourself and your kids.

Get your kids away from him. If you can't bring yourself to leave him because he's abusive to you, leave him for the sake of the kids.

I also want to say you aren't moving on or getting over it because he is still traumatizing you.
Dealing with an Affair is very traumatic, for many of us here the most traumatic thing we have yet dealt with in our lives. In the best of situations when the A ends the cheater is fully remorseful and does the real work to R take at minimum 2-5 years. If the cheater leaves and abandons the family it takes 2-5 years to heal.
You have not even begun to heal. He is still being very wayward in his mindset and actions. He is not owning what he did and manipulating you on a daily basis. He guilts you with his words you don't love me blah blah blah. This is abusive and he knows he can get in your head based on past reactions. He knows it is wrong to start this shit in front of the kids that you want to stop it.
He is exposing the kids to abuse by how he is treating you. He is molding your kids futures with his behaviors.

Please please please get out. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.

Gently, why aren't you gone yet protecting your children?

Your husband is an abuser and a user. You are living in a cycle of abuse, why?

Please for the love of God, get out. Now.

Thank you I do appreciate the replies. I get what you are saying but I feel at times it is a toxic dynamic between the two of us. Like tonight he has been so helpful, and really nice to me and great with the kids and I can start arguments. Plus so many of my friends seem to be in really difficult relationships so the good times make me forget the bad.

Trushnurse, I do agree, I don’t feel like he has taken any ownership of this. In his head he feels everything that happened with the police and his mum not contacting him has been punishment enough. He has also reframed it as I purposely called the police on him and therefore I am just as guilty and for a while it just felt like so much drama, the affair getting her pregnant, then when I came home him getting my phone off me, he also became very controlling before the police got involved, it was like the affair and the aftermath of me going crazy just got out of control and so he tried to manage it be being extra controlling. So he feels I should just get over it. I think as I wasn’t really hurt by him grabbing my phone and as I said it was normally just gentle slaps which was how he was raised though I don’t agree. He wants me to move past it but I can’t but then weirdly he hasn’t moved past the police involvement either. Sometimes I wonder despite all the fall out if he will do this again in 10 years time and justify to himself that I didn’t show him enough love.

I had to stop the counselling as he found it a trigger for him since she reported it so other than friends I don’t have much outlet and I overdid lose so I am trying not to do that

I think he is also jealous of the friendships I have and my family. Anyway I just wanted to rant on here. Genuinely I do feel better in myself.

You do the same thing on every one of your threads. You vent about your H's terribly abusive behavior, defend him because you think you provoked it, talk him up because he acts right for five minutes, and downplay how awful what he's doing to you and your children really is.

It's maddening.

Look, at this point you can blame yourself all you want, you can call your behaviour toxic, you can make all the excuses you want for your WH.

But even if all of it is true (it is not by the way, your husband is an abusive jerk), even if you two share the blame or whatever, this is the reality: the environment around your kids is toxic. It does not matter anymore who creates it, you or him, that is not an environment that your kids should be in.

If you two wouldn’t be together anymore the behaviour would stop and your kids grow up in a peaceful environment rather than the toxic one they are in now.

These are the facts.

I may seem harsh but I’ve been where your kids are now and it sucks. Living with the constant fear that your parents will have another shouting match 24/7 is fucking terrifying. Do something and stop the abuse.

No it is not your fault.
No him helping with HIS kids one evening doesn't make up for him being abusive.
Read up on trauma bonding.

You are going to end up dead and your kids not having a mother in the worst scenario. The best is your kids become as broken as you 2 are and repeat this cycle.

This relationship is incredibly toxic. What are you afraid of? What is keeping you from danding the respect and love you deserve?
Why are you allowing him to dictate your mental health.
Please make a go bag with all the important papers passports birth certificates and clothes and cash for you and your kids to survive 3 days. He has been physically abusive. He will be again. Each time it will escalate to being a bit worse until you need medical care. You have to be prepared to get out and get out quickly.

I could say a lot, but others are saying what I would say. So I'll just add a realization that I had in an earlier relationship.

We often say here that we blame ourselves for issues because it gives us the perception that we have some control over our feelings and our relationship. I mean, if the problem is entirely the other person, then we can't do a thing to change anything! And we do not like the hopelessness of that, so I understsnd. But ...

I was in an abusive relationship and went to IC. She kept saying, "Let's talk about you," but I would go on and on about my boyfriend and his poor treatment of me. She would say, "Well, what about you? What's going on with you?" I said, "I just told you!" She said, "No, you are talking about your bf." I stared blankly at her. I said, "But he's ruining my life with his unfair accusations and erratic behavior." She said, "But that's him. That's what he's doing, his actions, his life. What are you doing with yours?"

I simply could not see that I had tied my entire life to him and changing him, my entire path to happiness was if I could fix this. I did not know how to be happy if I did not filter it through my interactions with him. She forced me to cultivate my own life and happiness away from him; she encouraged me to stop talking about him and start talking about only me. And when I did that, I really got a clear picture of how my life looked and felt and what HE was bringing to my life. He was bringing his drama, his accusations, his stress, his manipulation, his selfishness. When I did my own thing, I was not encountering any of that.

I realized that my negativity toward him was simply a normal reaction to his gaslighting, anger, selfishness, and victimhood. I was very capable of happy, mature, calm relationships, but I would react irrationally, angrily and abusively because HE cultivated that with his behaviors.

An example: I found a phone bill with a frequently called number. Turned out to be one of many OW's numbers. He said, "That's my bill. Why are you looking at it?" I was furious. I said, "Because it was in front of me. You should have nothing to hide." He said, "My private stuff is my private stuff. You are out of control. Get a grip." As my anger escalated, I knew that I was in danger of doing something I would regret. Because I was the problem? Of course not. There is no "polite" way to handle a cheater. However, by staying with him and entertaining his gaslighting, I was being driven into mental and emotional collapse. I removed myself and left. He was furious that I was furious! He kept calling me, at one point saying, "My dad thinks you are crazy. He says you are the problem sticking your nose where it doesn't belong." Lol!!! His cheating is not a problem, but my finding out is.

Then he would buy pastries and leave them by my door with a love note. So what, LemonPie??!! Even serial killers have a nice side.

Nobody,not you or anyone, can withstsnd years of psychological manipulation and abuse. Your WH will ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS claim that you are 75% or more of the problem. But that is because abusers and psychopaths can easily take full advantage of you, manipulate you, and feel no guilt or shame. They simply lie and deny. Research DARVO!!! Do it. You'll see.

Yes, you are losing it and doing abusive things because you are living with a master manipulator who is willing to drive you over the edge and blame you as you fall. Get out of the car. Stop making your case to him. Stop trying to convince him. Stop acting out in anger. Stop living with crazy. Remove yourself. Save yourself.

Your behavior is not the cause of the situation, it is the result of the situation.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 11:25 PM, Thursday, April 25th]

I find this very concerning

I had to stop the counselling as he found it a trigger for him since she reported it

So if I understand correctly, you were getting professional help because of his affair and he is triggered? That’s not how this works. And even worse the professional (meaning an outside third party) could clearly see and had a duty to report his abuse. And he is triggered by that? No, he wants to not face any consequences. That is not being triggered.

I know you are not using these direct words but go back and read what you wrote. You are saying the text book abused spouse line of "I made him so mad he had no choice but to beat me". Like literally claiming you deserve to be mistreated. Take away the infidelity, this is still a horrible environment….. I really hope you can start to listen to all these people and see the truth in what they say. Everyone else is not wrong.

It's easy to normalize behaviors. We tend to think what is happening in our relationships or what we've gotten used to is "normal."

On top of that you mention the relationships of friends around you may reflect unhealthy elements. That just solidifies toxic relationships as "normal."

Your "normal" is not OK. It's abusive.

Just because you've learned to tolerate it or navigate it doesn't change that.

You'll only see it with clarity when it's in the review mirror and you've had some counseling.

Act on what your heart is telling you. Break free from the cycle of abuse, apology, him doing better, and then abuse again.

Break free for you and for your kids. Show them a healthy life.

Call a domestic violence help line and make a plan.

so many of my friends seem to be in really difficult relationships so the good times make me forget the bad.

You are in a worse situation, their relationships are "difficult" yours is abusive. The good times are little crumbs to keep you in his control. There are no "good times" when everyone is walking on eggshells.

Thank you, I appreciate all the time. I know it is frustrating that I keep coming on here. But it has been helpful as I think my WH had me convinced that how I acted post dday was as bad as him. I

I think what is helpful, is knowing that post infidelity when caught most people act contrite not pushing their spouse to the ground to try and see messages especially when he hadn’t even ended it with the ap. I get he was totally ashamed of people knowing everything but I caught him by listening to him having sex with his AP as I recorded him and telling her how much he loved her etc. me telling everyone was like a wave of rage that overtook me, nothing I am proud of now.

etc. at times he would take full responsibility especially at the beginning but overtime it became the other way round. He now doesn’t mention it often usually he gets flooded by it and takes it out on me.

I was doing online counselling and at first he was happy about it, as he felt I needed it and it took the onus off him going but I was doing it from home on zoom and he listened in and I was talking bad about him and then he started to say ‘how could I see the person that nearly destroyed his life’ so that is why he said it was a trigger plus it was expensive.

Anyway I hear what you are saying.

[This message edited by Lemonpie at 9:42 PM, Saturday, April 27th]