SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It is HEALTHY to put a wall up when your gut is screaming. Normal,and healthy. You knew. You just didn't know the details.

That he is blaming you,when he speaks of the divorce, tells you this is the right decision. He would have just continued to cheat. A cheater, who continues to blame the bs, for not meeting their needs,and use it as the reason he continued to devastate you....will always be that person. He's not going to be a prize for the next woman. Because HE is the problem. HE has always been the problem. You could have bended to his will, did everything perfectly, been all he said be wanted..and he still would have cheated again. Because HE is the problem. One day, when he's much older,and alone, he will finally admit, to himself, that he was the problem. And,by the time he figures it out, you will be happy,living your best life,and you won't give 2 shits about his irrelevant regret.

FTG

[This message edited by HellFire at 10:23 PM, Thursday, May 9th]

His spying on you makes me nervous. I think YOU need a burner phone.
Or change your apple password and disconnect from the iPads.

Please see a lawyer ASAP. He is scary.

Yes. I know hes the problem. And it hurts all the same. I dont know why. I think that he really wants to be with her and maybe thats why. But these OW get the best version of our spouses, the best version of each other. The fun, carefree version. Not the version where we are in the trenches working though our third stomach bug in 2 months with no sleep, when I have a final paper due and internship work to do, She was never that person She got to be fun and do what he wanted. I could never have phone sex etc bc of what they did the first time. I would never fill that need

Your ws needs constant validation that he is important. He came into your marriage with that need. We all have those but ours are healthy. If he cannot feel good in his own skin his latest EA is not going to do it.

You need to understand his anxiety rules his life and makes him dangerous because he sounds very narcissistic. Take care and be very cautious. These people do not like to lose.

Our daughter had volleyball practice today and he cam etc our daughter asked him to. Im the coach so we didnt interact. We stopped on the way home to eat bc daughter asked to eat after playing. While daughter went into the restroom he asks me "what would you think if we divorced but still loved together? Not having other people come in and out of the house, just being there to help each other?" I just laughed and said are you kidding? I cant stand to be around you and you think I would choose to live with you?
Hes officially off his rocker yall.

Yes. I know hes the problem. And it hurts all the same. I dont know why. I think that he really wants to be with her and maybe thats why. But these OW get the best version of our spouses, the best version of each other. The fun, carefree version. Not the version where we are in the trenches working though our third stomach bug in 2 months with no sleep, when I have a final paper due and internship work to do, She was never that person She got to be fun and do what he wanted. I could never have phone sex etc bc of what they did the first time. I would never fill that need

He may really want to be with her, the same way he wanted to be with you in the beginning. She will find out soon enough what he is really like if he does go to be with her. You can be assured that he will always be the miserable person he is now, no matter where he goes, because like others have said he needs constant validation.

No matter how much someone feeds that, he will always need more than one person can give, it wouldn't be long before he cheated on her too.

I cant stand to be around you and you think I would choose to live with you?

Good for you!!! What did he say to that?

I got triggered my my WW the other week. She gaslit me around notihng going on and then threw her usual grenade into the battle, and it is a battle, she accused me of being controlling and her fact was that when she was in Japan last year with the daughter I knew when she had taken a large amount of cash from the savings account.
History is relevant, when she had cancer years back I took over the money organising so I set up all our bills so they come out in advance fortnightly. I also get emails if there are purchases that are large, unexpected and non-usual type spending.
I told her she can take back looking after the money if she wants and of course she doesn't want to take the responsibility.
She also threw a curved ball saying how my upcoming back operation $35,000 up front is from her money as well.
I sat through her 3 bouts of cancer, looked after our disabled daughter getting her to before school care, washing, feeding then going to work, coming home, picking her up from after school care then feeding her to leave and travel to the hsopital.
I worked 120 kms south of our home yet visited her 60 kms north of our home every day, held her hand and kept he family who didn't visit informed.
Yes in her eyes, I am the asshole.

That sounds terrible, Burna. Can you make your own post so that we can give you advice?

Can someone tell me how to quote on here lol?
Nomudnolotus,
He just looked at me and said " I was just asking"

I had two huge discoveries today. None were good, and Im gonna be honest, I absolutely lost my shit. After being the bigger person and taking all of this the best I could of years, I threw all of his clothes and shit out on the lawn.

Last night he went to the neighbors to shoot darts, which I thought was ridiculous that hes just la ti da right now like everything is fine but whatever. So I got to bed and wake up this morning. I open my laptop like I do every morning to check my email and my school stuff and it said he had like 5 unread messages. So of course I read them. Turns out, after he got done shooting darts he decided to text AP #3. "GUESS WHO" was what he sent her. She said "OMG I need you right now. " he said he was leaving his house and she responded that she was so happy. They had a few more back and forth texts about how hes getting a divorce and the she said she was gonna hang herself? No clue what that was about. Then the text messages cut to him telling her "lose my number I was hoping for something totally different". Apparently he went and met her and she was totally cracked out. He said "I wanted you but not after tonight".
I cannot believe that he went and met her. How low can one person go? I swear everyday it's like hes more of a stranger than the day before. Then after talking to my neighbor for some time and telling him what happened and I mentioned the girls name he was like I know that name, and I showed him a picture of her. Apparently, she was at our little neighborhood bar "coincidently" one night a while ago. Its a completely random bar, one that you dont stumble upon and you definitely dont go out of your way to "check out" unless someone tells you about it. So hes been talking to her as well for a long time. It may not have really stopped either after I found out about her and affair #3. And there was a mention of he got her phone number from an email he saved from her so clearly all his affairs have been continuing through email. I feel so completely lost. He got a new phone and disconnected his iCloud which at first I was not happy about but I know its for the best.
When I confronted him about the other girl I was so angry I was shaking. He kept making that vulgar gesture with his tongue to indicate something happened (if you know what I mean) and I was just shaking and out of breath. I took what I could and threw it in the yard. I have never in my life been so angry. He said it didnt matter since we were divorcing. I said it's disrespectful but that I guess I shouldn't expect differently from him. I told him he really needed to move out. That why does he want to stay? Becuase it feels like its to torture me. My poor mom had to intervene becuase she was getting upset with the straight up lies he was saying, the situations he was twisting.
I also saw that my best friends husband was essentially telling him what he did was almost necessary and "what did she expect to happen if you weren't getting any emotional or physcical attention". OK so let's forget that this entire time he was cheating on me but also saying he needed more from me and I was telling him I was concerned something was happening? That means nothing??? I was so shocked to see someone I considered a friend to BOTH of us to be telling him his behavior was ok. And not only that, it's concerning because if I were my best friend and saw thats how my husband felt about it I would be concerned with what he is doing.
I also messaged his mom and told her what happened (I figured my mothers day was ruined so hers will be too bc she raised a horrible human). She never responded but I guess when he went over there for mothers day they laid into him bc I got an apology about how he fucked everything up.
I feel more ready to be divorced than I ever have but I also feel less prepared to coparent. Yesterday I thought we may be able to do this without a ton of issues but the more I find out, the more I dont know who my husband is. Or was I guess I should say.
I asked him today how it's so easy for him to move on after 18 years? He said it just is. You are only crying bc you are scared of doing it alone. I said "no im crying bc the last 18 years of my life are gone. I saw us in a slump and I just said that it's marriage and it will get better and we will get through it together. The last 6 years especially have been hard. It started with my 5th miscarriage, discovery of affair 1, another pregnancy that ended in our son passing away shortly after he was born, my dad dying, and affairs 2 & 3. Thats a lot for 6 years." and he said no you aren't worried about that, it's just about being alone. I said "I know you are a compulsive liar and you have a hard time believing people when they tell the truth bc you never tell the truth, but thats the truth. I know I'll be ok eventually, but I feel like my entire life is gone" and he just walked out. I also said Im not dumb enough to think ive caught you every time you cheated and im not dumb enough to think it never got physical with anyone, especially (AP#3)." and for once he didnt scream and deny it. He didnt admit it, but his silence spoke volumes.
It's so hard not to shout from the rooftops and tell everyone what hes been doing and how hes a covert narcissist. People see one version of him, but they wouldnt be able to imagine the person Ive seen at home over the years. Even my mom after living with him for the last almost 3 years has been blown away with how different he is at home vs out in public. How he wants to now make himself seem like a victim bc I wasnt "available" to him. My mom even told him, "I come home from work and you are on the xbox. Shes in the kitchen cooking, and cleaning, and doing baths and doing school. Maybe if you helped her with something she would have the time and energy to sit with you and fill that need. But shes not getting her needs met either. But th difference is she didnt cheat. She stayed faithful. You can complain about how horrible the marriage was all day but you both were unhappy, but you both didnt cheat. only you did." And she also checked him on how he makes it sound like things have been AWFUl every day for so long. And how we NEVER Have a good time together. She was like "we have all done X,Y,Z,A,B,C,1,2,3 together and it's always great time. Everyone has a great time together. Yall just went on a date to a baseball game and had a great time. You guys always have fun together so going and telling everyone you never have good times and its always so miserable is a lie and manipulative to make people feel bad for you". Which is the truth. It's a lie he tells himself and anyone who will listen so make it not seem as bad.
I also told my 13yo who walked out to all this that she needs to know how this isn't ok for a husband to treat a wife this way, and he said she needs to know how a wife should take care of her husband so this doesnt happen. I made her go grocery shopping with me. I asked a lot of open ended questions to see where her head was at. She said shes knows what he did was wrong and there's never an excuse and that she always saw me being what she thought was a good wife bc I did so much for the family. She also said that she thinks he is trying to buy her love. Shes a smart girl and Im lucky to have her. I apologized a ton for letting my emotions get the best of me. She said she understood bc Ive been really strong before (she found out abut the other bc she snooped and read my journal one day).
I know im rambling but today has been a very long day with lots of new information that not only told me that I was right all along with how I felt something was off, but also my feelings about him in general. For a long time I knew he wasnt a good person. Ive known he was a narcissist but today really showed me that there has been nothing wrong with me this entire time. My instincts were protecting me. It's fucking sad that I know I will lose some friends over this bc taking his side and saying he was justified isn't ok. I get supporting him, but saying it's ok, isn't ok.

I’m so sorry for you.

Get yourself some counseling and a good attorney.

Please stop talking to him. It’s only making you feel worse. Please read up on the 180.

Sending you the biggest virtual hugs. The best you can do now is get into counseling and get the ball moving on a divorce. The sooner he’s out of your home the better if you haven’t kicked him out of the bedroom please do that now. He can sleep on the couch or something.

He’s a real jerk and I am absolutely positive that when you are free of him your life is going to be so much better. It’s going to hurt for a while, but you really will be better off without somebody who is so callous and mean.

((((Hugs))))

Pretend we're getting coffee..I'm touching your hand,in gentle support.

Girl...stop. STOP. Stop reading his email. Stop looking at his messages, his texts. Stop asking friends about him. Stop asking him questions. Stop expecting him to be a decent man. He hasn't been one,if ever, for a very long time. Stop. Every time you look,or ask, it damages you. Protect yourself. Stop. HARD 180.

Did you go the bank, and separate finances?

His attitude, the gross tongue gestures, are so very cruel. He enjoys hurting you. It gives him pleasure.

Gently..of course he's trying to date,or is getting laid. Of course he is. He wasn't faithful when married. He's only going to get worse.

Stop sharing your feelings with him. He lives for your pain.

He's a monster. An absolute monster.

He actually told his daughter she better please,and obey, a man, or she will be abused. He's so fucking horrible.

OP this guy is getting off on upsetting you. Don’t bite. Lawyer up and start the process asap. Can you speak to someone about feeling unsafe having him around? You should try and get him to leave, maybe you can get a restraining order?

Thanks everyone. Today is my first day in 16 years not wearing wedding band. I wasnt ready to take it off and I honestly wasnt sure when I would be. My daughter even asked why I was wearing mine and her father wasnt. I told her at the time that I've worn it for 16 years and taking it off in because of what we are going through is hard and I wasnt ready. Well yesterday after all that chaos with the other other woman I never put my ring on and today is my first day without it. I keep having moments of panic where I feel like I forgot it. But then I remember nope, won't be wearing it anymore. It sucks. I hate this. I hate him and what hes done to our family. I hate that he cant accept blame for what hes done and feels like Im responsible for what he did.

He's a narcissist. It's always going to be someone else's fault.

Detach. How he feels is no longer a concern.

I would contact my friend, and let her know her husband fully condones infidelity, if he feels needs aren't being met.

Your ws is a bucket,with a huge hole in the middle. No matter how perfect you were, he would always find a reason to cheat

I am sure you have heard of Pavlov’s dog. When a bell was rung the dog was fed. He always drooled waiting to eat. After a while even if there was no food if a bell was rung he would drool anyway. We all think we have free will and that we are always on top of things. Unfortunately you no longer control your instinctive reactions. Your body probably goes into freeze, fight, flee mode every single time because he has manipulated you so many times. Your emotional control is gone. That is why NC (no contact) is so important. It helps you deprogram. He is not good for you. In fact he is probably making you ill. Do you have digestive issues? Headaches? Aches and pains? Heart racing? Your body is telling you to run because he is dangerous.

Hi Elle2, I think you would be smart to leave the marriage. It sounds like you already have a plan in place, you just need to execute it. And you also have your mother for support. And your kid's need you. This is one thing I stayed steadfast over, protecting my kid's as much as I could from him and his wayward and his alcoholic ways, best I could.

You mentioned all of the years lost dealing with his abuse and infidelities. Just imagine when your daughter turns 18 and you are still living in the chaos and drama of hoping things would get better. I'm here to tell you most in cases they don't. It would take an absolute miracle for your WH to change. And this is even if he wants to. He doesn't. He likes who he is. Yuck. 🤢🤮

I want you to know that I was afraid too. I was terrified of the unknown. But let my tell you that there is NOTHING TO BE AFRAID OF! I think the fear of the unknown keeps many of us in a bad marriage and bad situations. The safety of what we know can almost seem more appealing than taking that leap of faith to set ourselves free. Get yourself and family away from him. He is a disgusting creep in how he treats all of you.

Please work to get the ball rolling. You will be so much happier when you do start the process. And please quit allowing him to dictate your life. He is treating you like a child and an object, and not his wife. You are so much more deserving than what he can give to you. Think of it this way, what he is doing is his best self. Can you continue living this way knowing this?

First step, turn your location off. 180. Do as little for him as you possibly can. Stand up to him but I would suggest in a calmer manner. You are an adult and you get to be an adult. He no longer gets to treat you like you are his child. I also agree that your WH loves to cause you pain. My deceased WH was the same. That is not love. It's disgusting is what it is.

My story is similar to yours. I did a lot of the same things you are doing now. I heard what everyone was trying to tell me too but I was so broken down and distraught, that I also couldn't see a way out.

Trust me when I tell you that the other side of this trauma looks way different. I didn't want my WH to pass away to be able to experience what pure peace feels like but this is my story. No matter what the end circumstances were, I am so glad I don't have to deal with the pain of infidelity, chaos, lies, manipulation, etc anymore. I am done with it. I now live in peace, harmony and have also have gotten my confidence and then some back. I love who I am today... and you will be so happy too once you take those first few steps to freedom from abuse. Your strength and confidence will soar!

Got any brothers? If someone did that to my sister they would get an awfully meaningful visit.

[This message edited by Clint at 11:27 AM, Tuesday, May 14th]

Re location checking. "Accidentally forget" or "lose" your phone - and just put it in a drawer somewhere on some other strange place. My go-to location was wedged behind the mattress and bed frame. Then go where you need to go.