SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I work for an occupational licensing board. As part of the application process, a person's character is reviewed. Some character-issues never go away. I feel sorry for the 40 or 50 year old folks who have to testify about their criminal past, sometimes 20 years ago. But they are still the person who commited those infractions.

Time doesn't make it go away. It's how they have built their character in the mean time and how they look at those infractions now that speak to what their character is now and determines if they are eligible for licensure.

In my opinion, cheating is also a character issue. One might become a former wayward, but the initial designation is always there. If one has not worked on their character deficiencies, or doesn't feel remorse for their past actions, I would not consider them "former" perhaps just "inactive".

You guys sure like to make up stories.

Classic gaslighting and manipulation.

BTB--

Classic gaslighting and manipulation.

You laugh, but BTB is 100% correct.

Nope. You are both wrong. Never cheated on my lovely since we have been married. You guys sure like to make up stories.

Yes, I did cheat on my then gf now wife prior to marriage.

I suspect you're enjoying the attention and the sparring.

[This message edited by SacredSoul33 at 7:46 PM, Thursday, May 16th]

sissoon--

First and foremost, your W knows you cheated on her, but she didn't excise you from her life. How does that not conflict with your 'throw cheaters out' beliefs? How do you deal with the emotional and cognitive dissonance? Do you even recognize any dissonance?

Second, do you fear that you will cheat again?

Third, what, if anything, do you want to change about yourself? It's clear to me that you wish you hadn't cheated, because that's the only way you would not be a WS by SI's definition. People generally say 'once a cheater, always a cheater' to mean a cheater will always cheat again. On SI, 'once a cheater, always a cheater' means just that: a WS is always a cheater, but we classify WSes as WSes without making or implying anything about future behavior.

1. Yes, my wife knew I cheated on her. Like I said, I wasn't hiding it.

I believe in throw the cheaters out due to the anguish BSs are subjected to for years if they stay after reading the past 4 years. There was a recent poster on here wishing he had done it even 10 years or more later. Perfect example is someone I very much admire--waitedtoolong. He tried. Just couldn't do it in the end. I believe in punishment for the crime with possible parole, and then ultimately expungement if deserved.

That doesn't mean to excise them forever. I have actually seen where a BS remarried there WS after divorce on other sites. Not sure if I ever saw it on SI. They divorced, worked out the issues, reconnected, and then remarried. This is rare though.

2. No. Too old, LoL! My guarding myself is over from being a cheater is long over.

3. I wish I hadn't cheated. Unfortunately, I did. Can't undo the past.

I suspect you're enjoy the attention and the sparring.

You are correct! I have always enjoyed a good exchange.

AM, if your goal really is human connection in a community of shared experience, you are really undermining that goal right now. I’ve learned that this community honors transparency, vulnerability, accountability, and is wildly attuned to the lack thereof due to our experiences with infidelity.

Sounds like you recently made known an affair after decades (I admit I haven’t read your posts, I’m taking this from what is being said in this thread). She might not be showing it, but your wife is probably really hurting. You ask to be past the label of wayward due to time, but you are the cause of a fresh d-day. If you aren’t interested in exploring that and figuring out ways to support your wife, you will only get antagonism here, and frankly don’t seem to fit into the guidelines Bigger pointed out (not that it’s my place to make any formal assessment of that).

Nobody here, you included, is going to benefit from you laughing your way thru telling us how unremorseful you are. So what do you want?

IH--My wife then girlfriend is not impacted at all by my cheating back then 40+ years ago. I wasn't married to her. Is it really an affair if we weren't married? She says it doesn't matter because she ultimately ended up with me. Man, that woman loves me bunches!

Not sure what I want if anything. I am not here to make friends--don't need them. I am here to interact with people. Even negative connection is better than no connection.

AM,

You dodge around a lot of the hard points I make and quick to answer things like "I never cheated on my wife after we married" never mind that you lied to her for damn near 40 years and only recently disclosed that you cheated on her prior. Again, this is wayward mentality. Yeah you finally disclosed it but again no insight into what that actually means. You lied for 40 years, and you only disclosed so that you wouldn’t get found out, which means you had control over it. Curious, did you give complete transparency and accountability? Or since you had all the information did you only expose just enough to cover your ass? Your claim of your W’s lack of response, and your minimizing all of your cheating as "just" ONS multiple times makes me wonder.

Also wanted to add, your responses are all very self serving and focused. Your ex divorced her second H because he wasn’t you. You had no problems getting any woman you wanted, your current W doesn’t care about cheating because she ended up with you. BLB, myself and others see what you’re saying without saying it

[This message edited by HellIsNotHalfFull at 7:50 PM, Thursday, May 16th]

Well then, I am tapping out and using my energy for people who are struggling and needing help. There is really no way to interact with you in which I will learn something or help you. That is what I am here for. Keep reading and best of luck.

IH--My wife then girlfriend is not impacted at all by my cheating back then 40+ years ago.

Highly unlikely. Finding out years later is a particularly painful category of betrayal that causes re-interpretation of the entire lifespan in between.

I wasn't married to her. Is it really an affair if we weren't married?

You yourself have called it cheating, so yes, yes it is.

Not sure what I want if anything. I am not here to make friends--don't need them. I am here to interact with people. Even negative connection is better than no connection.

Man, that sounds like a five year old’s mantra. You saying that out loud, I’m hanging up, I’ve got better things to do than scratch that itch for you.

I am here to interact with people. Even negative connection is better than no connection.

You could do that anywhere. Why do you want to negatively connect with people working through trauma? Do you care if your "negative connections" impact them negatively?

Is it really an affair if we weren't married?

Of course it is. You acknowledge it was cheating when you did so with your casual relationships before her and you certainly weren't married to them, so I know you know that and you're just being disingenuous. Your then gf - sorry, FIANCE - believed you were in a monogamous relationship. You kept the secret for decades. If you thought it was no big deal, then you likely would have disclosed.

What you're doing right now is a very classic thing called minimizing. You're being defensive because you don't like being called out and this enables you to avoid accountability. If you're lying and minimizing with us - anonymous strangers on the internet - I am willing to bet you have done so with your wife.

[This message edited by emergent8 at 7:56 PM, Thursday, May 16th]

You could get religious absolution. I was thinking more plain English.

act of absolving; a freeing from blame or guilt; release from consequences, obligations, or penalties.

There are permanent consequences associated with this sort of oath breaking.

Internet was out for awhile. You folks crack me up. Don't believe I am defensive. You sure are reading/making up a whole book from a few paragraphs.

I don't think anyone can ANSWER your question, atomic_mess, only give their perspective. I will give you mine...

On the one hand, you are not that person who cheated all those years ago. Or more accurately, you have, I trust, done the work and went through your Why's and if you ever found yourself in a situation that you could be tempted, you would make different decisions. I trust that your current wife and that your family sees that.

On the other hand, it is impossible to know whether there is still some pain from your decisions and actions all those years ago. It is possible that there may indeed still be. It would sit much better with me personally if, when going over your past actions, that was what you reflected over. That instead of what you may be considered.

Actually, sociopaths are prone to violence unprovoked. I am more like psychopath. blush

I was thinking of affairs as more than a one-night thing. So, yes. I had affairs 3 times on the ex-W 45+ years ago when in my early 20s. No remorse or regret other than I should not have married in the first place.

I think I will have to take back what I had said about you doing the work.

Do you really think your then-wife, even if she wasn't suitable to be your wife or you suitable to be married, deserved being cheated on? It is astounding to me that after all these years (and posts from you on here), there is no more remorse from you.

AM, I pretty much judge people by their writing here.

IMHO, we'd do well to acknowledge that reading about and engaging with people in pain is how this giggling self-described sociopath/psychopath gets his kicks, and quit feeding into his sickness.

[This message edited by SacredSoul33 at 12:40 AM, Friday, May 17th]

Don't believe I am defensive

So answer the question, why lie?