SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Dday for me was 7 weeks ago. You can see my jfo story posted there. The last 6 weeks have been a rollercoaster to say the least. The tldr on my discovery was that I heard them on the phone confessing their love, then after a week of TT, found out that had been physical. All of this unfolded during a two month affair, with the PA occurring just under two weeks before Dday.

I’m here to just talk through my progress so far and see what resonates with anyone who’s going through it or has gone through it. Six weeks is well, not a long time. My wife spent the first week after dday still contacting AP consistently. Planning future get aways, more lying and more TT. After she disclosed they had been physical, she spent a couple more days contacting AP and then committed to NC for the first time. My wife then sent an email to AP about our pet dying and I went to the divorce attorney that I had already connected with (connected two days after dday) to pay the retainer and start divorce. My wife said she needed to uncover why she would do something like this and that she didn’t want divorce.

Since that moment which is now a month ago, she has been in IC and we have done a few MC sessions where we discuss our marriage prior to the affair and I shut it down saying that the order of operations here are all wrong. I need to see full culpability and ownership of the affair and its unseen consequences before I start giving more rope to how I could be a better husband. She has started to become a little more like her old self, her IC sessions seem to be helpful for her but there is definitely an elephant in the room of her fully grasping what she’s done. She still excuses the affair in small comments about how they just started talking innocently because AP (married with kids) was in a successful separation state with his partner and my wife wanted to learn the playbook. I’ve also found two notes since things have cooled off about how she isn’t confident that she can love me like she used to on an intimate level, and mentions AP in these notes about how their future wouldn’t be so combative because verbatim "they were meant to be." She doesn’t see what this person reduced her to, or what she reduced herself to. Call it fog, but she is trying to make steps towards progress for us, I just don’t know if they are steps to justify her ego of being able to tell herself they tried or if they are genuine. I contacted AP’s wife and she had no idea about the affair, AFAIK the NC is still in place, I had access to her phones and monitor everything she’d be able to use and there’s been nothing. I assume he’s in damage control mode while my wife probably thinks he’s being great and giving her the space she needs so he can stand there with a boom box over his head when she’s ready.

I have been kind and healthy to myself. I got a great job offer last week and start next Monday. Ive always stayed in shape and have been working out and playing a round of golf almost every day. My wife and I have enjoyed afternoons out having a drink and feeling life without the affair, but there’s been plenty of moments where it seeps in and becomes the topic over and over. This is mostly instigated on my end and I just don’t feel safe in an environment where my wife’s culpability and remorse isn’t glaringly obvious and express.

We ended up being intimate two weeks ago. Multiple times in one day and after the first time she cried and said she didn’t know why. Since that day she hasn’t wanted to be intimate and just recently said she wants to uncover things for herself before she feels comfortable being intimate again. Call the one day traumatic bonding, we both enjoyed it. That day and the aftermath has been confusing for me to say the least.

I’m prepared for our marriage to go either direction and I’ve told my wife that. We’ve both expressed how we want our marriage to work, it just seems impossible to see how right now. She’s expressed many times that she just isn’t sure if the intimacy side of our relationship will be back for her. I hear that and just think fog. Ive been the roller coaster, I’ve said the mean things, I’ve presented myself as strong that I can get through this either way it goes, but I’m having trouble in this early stage of understanding everything.

Part of me just wants to divorce because I have a hard time seeing her not at the pace of recovery that I expect. I can’t bring myself to do it because I can see with clear eyes she wants us to work, I’m just not sure what’s holding her back. Time, thoughts of AP, shame in herself, doubts on us. Is it my role to let this play out for her on her own? My gut tells me that’s the path for now assuming no further obvious abuse comes my way.

Thanks folks.

In my opinion, you have your head in amazingly straight. I don’t disagree with anything you have said from how you are looking it to what actions you have taken. So as far as your progress, this all sounds kind of par for the course to me. And you are right, the only person you can control is you.

My affair was almost exactly the same time frame 2 months, it went physical 3 weeks before it ended. NC stayed in place but it was hard at first. Not because the AP was so great but because I had let my life become a place where most of my happy brain chemicals were coming from the affair. The escape/fantasy, not really for what it actually was. The AP was just a character in a play to me in hindsight.

That’s not to minimize the actions or damage I caused but just to say yes 6 weeks in and that is not unusual. It took a few months of not being in contact and really working on myself in IC before remorse started to show up. And I think even that comes in phases as you try and face that you have become the villain in your story. And see things for what they are. And start to figure out how you are going to proceed with making amends and becoming self aware enough to work on yourself.

You have all the right attitudes, and I think yes she needs to work though some of her individual issues in order to ever even get on a reconciliation path. During this time, focus on you and what you need. It’s normal to want to rehash discovery and not feeling comfortable around her.

I wouldn’t worry yet about her motivations for trying, those are usually a little dulled by all the justifications and history rewriting. Once I was through that aspect of realizing how I was maximizing faults so I could feel better about what I was doing, I humbled myself to see that if I had resentments or reasons for being unhappy I could have brought them up instead of stepping out.

You have good instincts, keep using them.

[This message edited by hikingout at 6:01 PM, Thursday, May 16th]

It was a bit busier today on the board, so I am bumping this for you to get more input.

Thanks hikingout. From all I’ve gathered it looks and feels like par for the course. It’s hard to not compare to stories of immediate remorse vs what we’re on but I know that isn’t realistic to compare.

I just want to say, that when I say par for the course, all I mean is that this seems like fairly common behavior this early. But I definitely think you are right in not putting up with it. By detaching from the outcome and showing her that you aren’t going to enable her, it sends the message you aren’t having it. You are setting the bar. It’s up to her to meet it and you are right to protect yourself while she figures it out.

[This message edited by hikingout at 1:41 AM, Friday, May 17th]

The only reason to discuss the M problems in addition to the A is to determine if the M is worth saving at all. Not to diagnose how to fix those old issues.

It's a very tough slog early on. Measuring progress at that moment must not be so different from measuring the distance between a nucleus and its electrons.

Keep on taking care of yourself first and things will work out whatever the final result.

This0Is0Fine - you honestly have just given me the biggest light bulb moment.

From D-Day WH and I have discussed all that was wrong in the marriage. Whilst he blamed these issues early on he did realise and admit the affair was because he had no emotional maturity and is a selfish POS (obviously a brief description). But that still hasn’t stopped us working on the marriage simultaneously. When in reality what needed to happen was I look after me and the kids and him to prove he is worthy of forgiveness and a worthy partner of reconciliation.

Thank you 🙏

Thanks for the reply Webbit.

To be honest I find it hard to be apathetic towards my wife progress and only focus on me and our daughter. I feel accountable for our whole family and I honestly view this infidelity as a sickness that I want to see my wife through. I’m in pain but feel I can be strong enough for myself, my wife and my daughter. If push came to shove I’d choose my daughter over my wife don’t get me wrong. I want to show her I’m still here whether that pushes her away or not for being too available or vulnerable during a time like this. I’ve made it clear on boundaries for no more abuse, but I also feel like I want and need to show I still want this to work. I try to do that with clear eyes which is a really a push/pull feeling.

[This message edited by newbeginnings1985 at 4:39 AM, Sunday, May 19th]

I feel accountable for our whole family and I honestly view this infidelity as a sickness that I want to see my wife through. I’m in pain but feel I can be strong enough for myself, my wife and my daughter.

Maybe a little grandiose.... Your W is responsible for herself. Ypu may need to keep reminding yourself of that fact.

Responsibility for your daughter depends on her age.

Maybe your head is on straight, but recovering from being betrayed requires much more than thinking.

I think you're focusing on your W, even though you say you're focusing on yourself. It's great to be thinking about implementing options, but what do you want? What would bring joy back to your life? IMO, you need to know that even if you don't think it's attainable.

IMO, your best bet is to recognize that you're probably in shock; that's almost universal for BSes a month out. The quickest way out of shock, IMO is to become aware of it, to be aware of your thoughts (which you probably do, perhaps to excess), and to become aware of the feelings that come with being betrayed - anger, grief, fear, shame, desire. Start with awareness.

Shock affects thinking more than it affects feelings, so you can make progress processing your feelings now. WRT thinking ... my reco is to be skeptical of your thinking for the next month or 2, unless you develop confidence that a set of thoughts won't change.

You write about evaluating your W. My reco is to focus first on figuring out what you want. If you truly want D, the sooner you figure that out, the better. You'll save a lot of energy that way.

If you want R, consider your requirements and how you'll know if they're being met.

*****

Being kind to yourself is more than simply doing things you enjoy. Sometimes it requires you to deal with the pain that comes with being betrayed.

Doing things one enjoys can help a BS heal, but not if it distracts from the feeling work that is also necessary.

*****

The biggest reason that I've found for not dwelling on pre-A issues in the M is that most of those issues seem to disappear if R or D works for the couple.

If you R, you will create a new M that serves you both. In creating the new M, you'll prevent most of the old issues from arising. If an old issue recurs it will need to be resolved, of course - but then, you'll want to resolve the issue when it comes up, not keep it around.

*****

What does 'progress' mean to you?

What metrics are you using to measure progress?

What changes do you want from your W?

What changes do you want from yourself?

[This message edited by SI Staff at 9:22 PM, Monday, May 20th]

To be honest I find it hard to be apathetic towards my wife progress and only focus on me and our daughter. I feel accountable for our whole family and I honestly view this infidelity as a sickness that I want to see my wife through.

This reads to me a bit like a codependent mindset, I am sorry to have to say.

Your WW CHOSE to betray you AND your daughter. She *chose* to put another man before you and break your vows. She wasn't sick nor was she body-snatched either, I am sorry to say. Your WW needs to own this fully but just the same, you also need to accept this 100%. You viewing infidelity as a "sickness" gets in the way of this. Infidelity is not a 'sickness' (as in the vows "in sickness or in health")--something like cancer is a sickness!

Your WW should be the one fighting hard to keep you--harder than she is now that is for sure, not the other way around.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 3:24 AM, Tuesday, May 21st]

There are countless posts here and everywhere that describe the "feelings" involved in an affair. Generally the feel goods come from new relationship energy, forbidden fruit and the ego stroke that comes from new attention. Many a wayward has described the "withdrawal" symptoms they felt when they ended the affair.

I'd suspect this early out that your wife is feeling that withdrawal. She gave up excitement, lust, thrills and ego kibbles. By comparison, long term relationships look dull and lifeless.

This is very painful to read as a betrayed spouse but it is often true. In that space, your wife isn't likely to see you as a prize. She might compare her high affair feelings to her stable feelings for you and feel like she is settling.

I can't read her mind but you are describing something very familiar around these parts and the above is often the reason.

She needs to work through that herself. She needs to get real about what matters most to her. She needs to let go of adolescent illusions of love. Or...

She truly fell in love with someone else. In which case, she needs to come to terms with that and end your marriage.

You'd do well to focus on yourself and your feelings. Statistically, your wife's affair was nothing more than described above. Nonetheless, she destroyed your heart for it. Do not indulge this as an "illness." At best it was teenaged behavior based on romantic illusions. Still, it was reckless and cruel. It destabilizes your life and family. No one should do that to another human being. She's an adult. She needs to see and hear what she has done not be coddled like a sick person (not saying you're coddling but your position is a little too sympathetic for a grown ass person).

Trust most of us here: a marriage was never saved when the betrayed took the "down dog" position and extended unearned empathy to a wayward.

I’ve been in your shoes.

From experience the mistake I made was letting my H decide whether we D or not. He asked me to give him 90 days to decide. Like an IDIOT I agreed.

When I finally the bitch boots on and took control over my own life, I realized I was so wrong in "giving him time". That just allowed him to continue the affair (under the radar) while pretending to Reconcile.

Soooo I’m suggesting you decide what is best for you. If you don’t see her committing 100% ALL IN to the marriage now, then you have to decide if you are willing to wait for her to "commit".

Basically you are giving her permission to be in an emotional relationship (still) with the other man.

And she will string you along as long as she can b/c she’s counting on you allowing it to happen.

As I said it was the biggest regret I had. Once I told my H on dday2 I had no choice but to D him, I realized very quickly how he played me and disrespected me and caused me more pain due to his behavior.

If your wife is not all in now, she’s not going to be all in 60 days from now. She’s telling you that the marriage is NOT her priority. The AP is.

New Beginnings - you and I are are in the same timeline, and we are experiencing some similar patterns and behavior. My advice - which has really helped me cope within the last week is to pull yourself away from the codependence of your WS and M. Us BSs always go "all in" to help our WS, ourselves, and the M all at the same time, and it's exhausting in every part of oneself. Concentrate on the needs of your daughter and yourself. You have to make sure you heal regardless if you separate or R. I have told my WW I am not doing the "pick me" dance as it's a boundary for my own self-respect. We have to come to the point that we know we are loveable human beings that matter more than just our WS. Every time she crosses a boundary of mine - there is a consequence. I leave the house with my boys to do an activity without her, I will ask her to sleep on the couch (or I will if she's being stubborn), or I will assertively tell her that certain behaviors or attitudes will not be tolerated. I am not here to stroke her ego, or help her figure out how she turn into such a selfish and self-serving bitch. My reason for being in the house right now is to keep an eye on my children, shore up the finances, and take care of what I need for the day.

Always remember we are not at fault for the A. They made choices in dealing with their "needs" or "unhappiness" that did not include our input. They put our children's well-being at risk, our families, and ourselves. Until they get through their "fog" and take accountability for their actions don't even worry about R. I have found it's an exercise in futility and only creates more hurt and issues for us.