SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi all. Newbie here looking for support. Found out yesterday that my husband has been cheating on me with a man. I always knew he was bi but he convinced me he loved me and enjoyed sex with me. 30 years later, he’s retired with Parkinson’s and I’m working full time and helping care for him. He’s 56 and was diagnosed 17 years ago.

I don’t know how to get through this. The pain is so intense it’s actually physical. My whole world has been blown up.

Someone please tell me it gets better.

Oh my gosh I’m So sorry for you. We understand the devastation and pain you are feeling.

The act of betrayal cuts deep (on the betrayed).

Be sure you are eating and drinking plenty of water. Avoid alcohol for now. Unfortunately you need a clear head.

Maybe consider a counselor for yourself. Someone to support you. Someone who understands your situation.

Please continue to post here - we will provide as much support as we can.

Welcome to SI and I'm sorry that you're here. The pain of infidelity is the worst. It does get better.

There are some pinned posts at the top of the forum that are very helpful for new members, as well as some with bull's eye icons. The Healing Library has a lot of great information and includes the list of acronyms we use.

For me, a betrayal trauma specialist was very helpful in navigating through the pain.

If you're having issues with anxiety, depression or sleeping, please see your doctor for some meds. They can help you through this tough first phase. You may also want to get tested for STDs/STIs, too.

Is he remorseful or is his Parkinson's too far advanced? What would you like to do?

Hi Momofmatt,

Welcome to SI. I'm so sorry you find yourself here but I'm glad you found us.

This shit is so hard. I dont' think anyone ever truly knows the pain of infidelity until it happens to them. Everyone here knows how you are feeling right now. We know the actual gutpunch and physical ache you are feeling every time you breath.

As much as it hurts right now, I will tell you that you will survive this. Please know that none of this has anything to do with you or anything you did or didn't do, or anything you lacked as a person. It's entirely about him and how he felt entitled to cope.

How did you find out? Do you know how long the A has been going on for? Are you able to cope at work? I was completely non-functional for a while and thought I'd lose my job. Have you told your boss? Are they someone who may be able to support you through this?

I’ve found this group very supportive both times.

I was able to mend things first time around but I was younger then.

With Parkinson’s disease there is also an element of dementia in some cases especially as time goes by. I think you wrote he had Parkinson’s for 17 years. This can lead to people acting without inhibitions or exhibiting odd behaviours. Is it possible to speak to his neurologist for advice?

I’m not allowed to use a link but if you google Parkinson’s disease dementia there are some resources.

Thank you all so much. The support here is amazing. It is such a lonely feeling so while I am sad that we are all part of this group that no one wants to be part of, I am grateful for your support.

He is remorseful. I sent him a link to one of the essays from the library here and he was able to start to see how I feel. Then I sent him a podcast episode from Ester Perel about a guy who cheated on and left his wife and then wanted to get back with her. The guy sounded a lot like what my husband briefly described. He read the article and listened to the podcast and then broke down because it finally got through to him what he did and how devastating it is for me.

He wants to work on things and stay together. I *think* that is what I would like as well but it’s far too soon to make any decisions. I have an appointment with a therapist tomorrow and I’ll just have to take it one day at a time.

And I do plan to talk to his neurologist as well. There’s no dementia (yet) but there are definitely executive function deficits and issues with impulse control. My H is aware of this as well. Right now he is saying the right things. We’ll see if he is willing to put in the work to try and repair things.

Thank you all again. I’m off to bed now - it’s almost 9 pm here and I haven’t slept since night before last.

How are you holding up MoM?

This does not excuse his behaviour but I imagine he feels pretty frightened and bad about himself and his growing dependence and sought ways of feeling young and ‘alive’ again and acted without thinking what the effect on you might be. It sounds like he is prepared to listen and to accept responsibility for how it has affected you. I feel great empathy for you both. For you, it must feel like a great kick in the teeth, given all the support you are providing. I’m really sorry and hope your therapy gives you the space away to work out how you feel, now, and for your future. Sending a big hug, this is very hard for you. Sounds like you are dealing with it in a very level headed way.

Thank you all. I am doing ok. We have decided to work on things. He is doing and saying all the right things. We have had ongoing conversations - and he is always willing to talk no matter how difficult it is. He has been very depressed and feeling the loss of his physical abilities due to the PD. I turned from a wife to a caregiver and became resentful. Neither of us initiated any conversations about what was going on. We became roommates. I can understand the factors that led to the A. I do NOT excuse it by any means but I see how he got there. I accept my responsibility for the part I played in the deterioration of our relationship, but take no responsibility for how he behaved. After all, I have been unhappy for a long time and I didn’t cheat.

I will not go back to the marriage we had two weeks ago. But I am seeing that it can be better. We are honestly talking for the first time in years and I am seeing the man I married. He is in therapy as am I and he has read articles and two books about the effects of an A and how to go about healing the relationship and then putting those things into action. He holds me when I cry, apologizes very specifically for hurting me, and has been very open and answers any questions I have about the A. He is truly remorseful and I know is struggling with feeling like he deserves any forgiveness. I’m not there yet but all of this means a lot to me. My emotions are up and down but I expect it will be that for a while. But I am cautiously optimistic.

Thank you all again for the support and advice. So glad I found this community.

Thank you all. I am doing ok. We have decided to work on things. He is doing and saying all the right things. We have had ongoing conversations - and he is always willing to talk no matter how difficult it is. He has been very depressed and feeling the loss of his physical abilities due to the PD. I turned from a wife to a caregiver and became resentful. Neither of us initiated any conversations about what was going on. We became roommates. I can understand the factors that led to the A. I do NOT excuse it by any means but I see how he got there. I accept my responsibility for the part I played in the deterioration of our relationship, but take no responsibility for how he behaved. After all, I have been unhappy for a long time and I didn’t cheat.

I will not go back to the marriage we had two weeks ago. But I am seeing that it can be better. We are honestly talking for the first time in years and I am seeing the man I married. He is in therapy as am I and he has read articles and two books about the effects of an A and how to go about healing the relationship and then putting those things into action. He holds me when I cry, apologizes very specifically for hurting me, and has been very open and answers any questions I have about the A. He is truly remorseful and I know is struggling with feeling like he deserves any forgiveness. I’m not there yet but all of this means a lot to me. My emotions are up and down but I expect it will be that for a while. But I am cautiously optimistic.

Thank you all again for the support and advice. So glad I found this community.

Sorry for the double post!

How are you holding up MoM?

I am doing ok. Ups and downs; bouts of sadness and crying that seem to come out of nowhere. But also some good times/days. WH is still doing all the right things - total NC, checking in with me to see if/when I need to talk, total willingness to answer all of my questions, sincerely and specifically apologizing for the A and the hurt it caused, being thoughtful in general, and going to therapy. He understands that it’s going to take time for me to process the whole situation and reconcile the man I married, the man he appears to be now with someone who could be so thoughtless, hurtful, and deceitful. Many honest and painful conversations are helping but it just takes time. I usually stuff down hard emotions and just go on. I am making an effort to feel the emotions and sit with them as they arise, which isn’t easy but I know the only way to the other side is through all of them.

Thank you for checking in. I visit the forums daily and am grateful for all the advice and support on here.

Thanks for the update. It’s good to see your spouse is stepping up and doing everything possible.

I suggest you seek some support or advice as well from a professional. It can help you process this trauma and help you heal.

The healing process may seem long and slow but there is nothing you can do to hurry it along. Some people heal in months e-bike got most of us it takes years. It is a trauma and you need to process it as such.

Thank you. I am seeing my own therapist and she is helping me process this. One of her specialties is trauma therapy so I am in good hands, thankfully. She’s my former therapist and fortunately she had an opening right away and was able to see me two days after Dday. In many ways I have a lot to be grateful for, including find this community.