SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I’m not sure what I am looking for here… alcoholism and infidelity both involved in this story - but if you are just going to tell me that we are both broken and need to move on, then please just move along. There’s a lot at play here but I truly feel that we are at a point in our lives where we can make the decision to be better for everyone involved, we just need to figure out how…

I am the WS. We were not M but have been together for 12 years. The past 4 years have been really rough for us. Since Covid, BS got really into drinking and broke a lot of trust with me, without it ever turning sexual (I do know this for sure). I just felt like I was not a priority, and on those nights that he didn’t come home, which became more frequent over time, I was lonely.

It started with me resorting to an online chat room. I was curious, and honestly bored, so I was looking into online sugar daddies. Not looking to pursue anything in person, but there were people in there that just wanted to talk and send money to anyone that would listen. I was intrigued. This was not something that I did long term. It was one long night on the internet, curiously reading through things, logged on a couple more times through the month but nothing really stuck and I came to my senses on what the f I was doing. I logged off and went back to supporting my (now BS) through his struggles. - writing this out the regret is eating me alive. I wish I had just come clean here and maybe we could have discussed how I was feeling and how his actions were making me feel insecure in our relationship and things could have been so different…

Moving forward a couple of months, we found out that I was pregnant and things started to feel good again for a moment. (I should also mention that between his binge drinking episodes, things were really good. We were so happy together and genuinely enjoyed each other) I had hope that he would come out of the drinking and we would have the family that we always wanted together. Sadly, the drinking continued, a lot happened over my pregnancy. But we did have our beautiful daughter and he is a great father.

Things were up and down with his drinking for a while. After our daughter turned 2, I was still going through spouts of feeling alone when he was going through his binge drinking episodes. He had seeked out help in a few ways but nothing really stuck. I tried to be as supportive as I could, but it was hard at times when I was alone with our baby feeling like we were not good enough for him to choose what was best for us.

Eventually, back on that app I went. This time I did meet someone and we did continue a chat just the 2 of us. It didn’t start out sexual, it was nice to be able to talk and vent to someone that was not connected to my life at all. I was able to share things with him that I could not share with others because I feared the judgement that would come from it. And at my core I knew that my spouse was better than his actions. So I continued having conversations with this person. He was nice to me and did send me some money here and there. Which gave me a little thrill… this lasted a few months on and off. We didn’t talk daily but when we did he would send me something. Looking back, I do see that it was manipulative for him to send me money when he knew how vulnerable I was. And I hate everything about this situation, mostly that I felt so low that I gave into this knowing that I knew better. I was looking for disassociation from my life I suppose but damn, I could have done things so differently…

Anyway. Towards the end of the summer, BS ended up having a pretty bad situation, that was caused by drinking and I hit a breaking point. It was at a point where I thought that things were getting better but this happened and everything came crashing down on me. I vented to this person again and he offered to have me come meet him in his city. At first I was thinking absolutely not, how could I ever? But things just kept feeling heavy in my everyday life to the point of me saying f it. And I went. Only for a day. I flew in in the morning and left that evening. In that time we had fun. It was nice to be disconnected from my reality for a moment. Although it also felt very wrong. I missed my spouse. I knew he didn’t deserve this and I knew that he ultimately wanted to be better for our family. I put a stop to anything sexual that day, flew home, and cut things off with him again. He would still send me money here and there but he was not reaching out and neither was I so I let it be.

About 6 months later he reached out again and his timing was always at a time that my relationship was on a dip. Sadly, I was vulnerable. I agreed to another trip.

This time I didn’t put a stop to anything. We started to get into something that night but did not finish. He didn’t spend the night with me, but came back again in the morning and we did finish again. I felt awful. But I also felt like I had to do something to feel something different. Flying home I realized this definitely wasn’t it. I needed to figure something out with BS. But I did not come clean. I so wish that I had. But I didn’t.

3 days later, BS read my texts. I came clean then. But now it looked like I was never going to come clean or stop until I got caught…

Since d-day, BS has moved out. He cleaned up his drinking and is doing a lot better. Which hurts me, because why couldn’t he do these things when I was beginning him? Some days he wants to try with me and some days he wants absolutely nothing to do with me. Unfortunately the latter is more frequent than wanting to try at this moment. And the cherry on top, I found out that I am pregnant, it is 100% BS’s, paternity test confirmed.

We are 4 months out from d-day and it has just been a roller coaster. I have cut all ties with the other person and done everything that I can to show that I want to reconcile. Now I am just sitting in the waiting game and I’m wondering, will there be a time that I know for sure he is done? He has moved 4 hours away but we still have a 2 year old and are expecting another in 4 months, so communication is still there. Sometimes it is hopeful, others it is very discouraging. We have discussed starting MC, but at this point he is so up and down I’m not sure if he will actually go through with it. I have taken all of the steps to get us enrolled, just waiting on a day to start and will go from there. I have done my best to become an open book. Sharing all of my passwords and giving him complete access to everything that I have.

I’m not sure what I’m looking for at this point. I’ve just been up all night reading different stories on here, praying that I will be able to post about my happy, reconciled relationship at some point in the future. Things have been so hard for us. We were young and immature and now we are at a point where we need to figure out if we are going to grow up and get our stuff together. I hate myself so much for not being stronger for us when I could have been an example for him and started counseling myself when we were going through it with his addiction. That was really what I needed, but I went so low with it all that I am so scared that there is no coming back from it.

If you read this far along, thank you lol.

Sorry you find yourself here Veh. It's brave of you to post your story. There is also a Wayward forum you might want to consider posting in to receive support from those who have walked in your shoes. Of course it's perfectly fine to post here as well.

While your story sounds like the worst story TO YOU, it is a fairly common one. A disconnect in the marriage, life stressors and poor coping skills lead to complete marriage failure.

I think right now you both need to focus on getting healthy as individuals. Focusing on the marriage (i.e. counseling) might be premature. The marriage didn't cheat, you did. The marriage didn't abandon the family for alcohol, your spouse did.

Hopefully, he is in a program like AA or something to really face and break his addiction to alcohol. You might consider Al-anon for yourself. I think it would be helpful as your post almost sounds like you think if you had been more "supportive" he would have quit drinking. No he wouldn't have. You are not responsible for his sobriety.

In addition to Al anon, some individual counseling for you as well. You need support and you need to figure out why your coping skills were to not communicate and to essentially escape. Escape is a pretty common motivator for waywards but the situation you put yourself in could have been dangerous with a very sad ending. You can learn better coping skills that don't leave you ashamed and divorced.

I wish you healing. Keep posting.

Want to give fair notice, I’m a BH but I am trying to help you understand what your BP is feeling. I’m betting in his mind you betrayed him twice. He found the texts and everything, and you still left the door open and went to your AP. Having experienced this personally, the double betrayal after the first is the worst experience.

I would encourage you to stop using things like manipulation and vulnerability to describe yourself. You have full agency, you made decisions knowing full well what it would lead too. You placed yourself in a position where this would happen. Telling your partner that you were taking advantage of or manipulated only sounds like you aren’t taking full accountability for your actions. No one forced you to buy a ticket to go see AP, no one forced you to download the app. Your partner found your infidelity once and you continued. Don’t tell him you were vulnerable, you have to accept you were a fully willing participant and made the decision that cheating was what you wanted.

Everyone has their limits, and cheating is often it. From a male perspective, it’s really difficult to see our partners when we know they gave themselves to another man, and a lot of guys can’t get past that. Some people can.

There’s no easy answer here. You of course don’t have to stay, or wait or anything. It sounds like to me he is just too damn hurt to make any decisions, but nothing you can do will make it happen any faster. You can show him everything and really put in the work but it may never be enough because you cheated on him.

If you guys do try to R, you need to accept that while it is serious, the problems in the relationship need to come second to the cheating for a long time. The house of your relationship was burning, but cheating is putting out the fire with a nuclear bomb.

All you can do is work on yourself, figure out why you choose this path, and decide what you want and need to fix about that. Not for him, for you.

I want to start this post with something related to my role as Staff here on SI:

Even though this poster is a WS and shared her story in General rather than the more sheltered Wayward forum the guidelines still apply. This can probably be condensed to the following text from the Guidelines:

SurvivingInfidelity.com® is a place for healing and rebuilding your self-esteem, relationship and self worth after the devastating effects that Infidelity can bring into your life. We ask that current and practicing wayward spouses (WS) and other women/men (OP) not post or harass our members here that are suffering through unbearable pain. WS or OP's that are remorseful and committed back to their relationship are welcome to post and find guidance and support while repairing the damage they've caused. OP's who sincerely want to end their EMA's are welcome as long as they follow our guidelines of posting with respect towards others. SurvivingInfidelity.com® is a peaceful, constructive and devoted site with offering our support towards others during such a torturous time in their lives.

---

Veh819

Your story might explain why you went along the path of having an affair, but it definitely doesn’t excuse or justify that decision. I get the sense that you know that and understand that. It bears reiterating though because to reach personal recovery and/or reconcile the marriage total accountability is key. You can NEVER tell your husband that if he hadn’t hit the bottle this would never have happened.

I think that right now the two of you are both dealing with too much as individuals to focus on the marriage per se.
I have a theory – both from experience with family members and from this site – that an alcoholic/addict will always prioritize his addiction over everything else. Like your kid and the one on the way... those might sound like good reasons to get and stay sober, but that alone won’t suffice. I have even read stories here on SI where I suspect an alcoholic spouse is having an affair simply to divert the BS attention from the drinking to the infidelity. For an active alcoholic the NEXT drink is key – everything else secondary.

So... I think the key to any future for your husband is sobriety. That goes quite a lot further than simply not drinking. He needs some serious support, and I can’t strongly enough encourage him to seek out an ACTIVE AA group, a good sponsor and to commit to the program. The 100 meetings in 100 day stance. The do the 12-step program stance. If he manages to be sober for six months... that’s when IMHO any real marital work can start.

Then there is your affair... Irrespective of your marriage seek guidance from a group like Al Anon. Go to IC. Get help. Alcoholism tends to screw up those around the alcoholic, and I’m guessing you are heavily impacted. Do your best to heal yourself – again totally irrespective to the marriage.

For now maybe all you two need is a decision to wait.
That can be separate or that can be as some form of semi-roommates.
You can lay down some ground-rules: No dating, fidelity, no major decisions... and even a timeline. Like you revisit this decision after 90 days. But that time is used for personal healing, enabling you two to maybe see a better path forward.

What work are you doing,on yourself, to become a safe partner?

I see a lot of blame in your post. You blame your husband's actions, blame the OM for preying on your vulnerability. But, you made the choices you made. You. You had options. You chose cheating. While your husband contributed to the marital environment, you are 100% responsible for your affair.

Your bh needs to see you working on yourself. Setting up mc,and waiting are passive. First, you cheated. Not the marriage. Cancel mc. You need IC. You need to figure out why you did what you did. Your husband, and marriage,aren't the reason.

Also, if he says he's done, you need to respect that. Infidelity is often a deal breaker. He's moved several hours away. If he's done,let him go. But,still work on yourself.

[This message edited by HellFire at 3:54 PM, Wednesday, May 29th]

Some things you could be doing..

Std tests.

Full transparency,and total honesty.

Write him a complete timeline of the infidelity.

IC.

Drop any friends who knew.

Apologize. Without blame.

Answer all questions without anger or defensiveness.

Take a polygraph. He probably doesn't believe most of what you've said. A polygraph will give him a foundation of truth.

Be proactive in healing the damage you've caused him, yourself, and the marriage.

Take responsibility.

Just want to point out a few things…

I have started individual counseling and I have not said to my BP that I was manipulated or had my vulnerability played on by the AP, but I do feel that so I did say it here and to my counselor. And I’ve done my best to keep his drinking out of my why, but it is relevant when we are discussing.

Welcome to SI. At the top of the Wayward forum, there are some pinned posts that are recommended for new members. I suggest that you get a copy of How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald. It's a little over 100 pages and has lots of good how-to advice and may help you understand what your BSO (betrayed significant other) is feeling.

Another good book is Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass. The Healing Library, located at the top of the page, is a great resource and includes the list of acronyms we use.

In the Wayward forum, I've bumped a thread called The process of discovering our true "Why's" that is a really good read. Another one is Things I Had To Accept, which is near the end of the first page.

but it is relevant when we are discussing.

If you lost your job and your husband, without saying anything to you, went out and robbed a gas station to pay the bills, how relevant is your job loss to the discussion?

Yes, the job loss led to the situation of needing money, but your husband had many other options to correct the problem of not having enough money, but instead he robbed a convenience store. Now, instead of having to worry about the money issues that correspond to the job loss, an entirely new problem has been created.

Just as "My wife lost her job" does not hold water as a reason to commit robbery, "my husband has a drinking problem" does not hold water as a reason to have an affair. There are so many other options that could have been chosen that would not have been any where near as destructive and would not have created additional, horrible, issues for your marriage to have to overcome.

If you stop and think about how you would feel, visiting your husband in jail and he says, "if only you hadn't lost your job" wouldn't that feel like a slap in the face?

Addressing this type of thinking is so important for a BS to see.

I don’t doubt you believe you were feeling vulnerable, that’s still a justification, not accountability. Think about all of the 1000s of choices you made, up to buying a ticket and traveling to see AP. Even after you were caught, instead of ending it, you took it further. That’s not vulnerable. And even if you haven’t told your BH these exact words, it’s still placing blame on OM/Drinking whatever and your actions probably display that. By continuing to think being vulnerable allowed you to cheat, it’s placing responsibility on your BH, that the status of your relationship determines your loyalty.

No question that your BHs issues were hurting the relationship, they did not cause you to cheat. OM did not cause you to cheat.

I am not attacking here, I promise. I actually am highly encouraged to see a WS post in general, and I hope you do so. I highly recommend you read the profile of HikingOut, BravesirRobin, and walkingoneggshellz. All three are WW who have done massive self reflection and work, and their perspectives of their own experience shows the importance of changing their mentality.

[This message edited by HellIsNotHalfFull at 5:53 PM, Wednesday, May 29th]

More clarification…

There seems to be a misunderstanding. I was only caught once and cut everything off then. I went to see AP twice, but did not get caught until d-day. Ended everything immediately after that.

Ah, my mistake, I miss read your post. My apologies. I will edit my comments to fix that since I am wrong

His drinking contributed to the issues. It is not the reason you cheated. His drinking was reason to divorce, separate, go to mc,any number of options. You chose Infidelity. Instead of maintaining your integrity, and not betraying your partner, you chose the most destructive path. In order to become a safe partner, part of your work is to dig deep,and figure out what within you made cheating a viable option.

He didn't drink because you cheated. And you didn't cheat because he drank.

Is there a reason you didn't post in the Wayward forum? You're certainly allowed to post in this forum, it's just an interesting choice for a new WS.

You joined a website for a particular purpose. If you were vulnerable, it's because you allowed yourself to be, to strange men. You need to own that. It sounds like the OM was simply responding in theme to the website you both joined.

Healing from this isn't easy. For ws,or bs. It's painful. Its ugly. It's hard. This is where you need to be vulnerable..in your healing journey.

This site is an invaluable resource for a ws who seeks it out,and wasn't shown to them by their bs. It shows you are interested in true change. It starts with you taking full responsibility for your actions, and ending the defensiveness .

Is there a reason you didn't post in the Wayward forum? You're certainly allowed to post in this forum, it's just an interesting choice for a new WS.

She posted on both places.

Op- I am a ws and I did post to you there because I didn’t see when I posted earlier.

It’s not a super active forum at the moment so I am glad to see you get some great support here too.

[This message edited by hikingout at 6:57 PM, Wednesday, May 29th]

  Moving to Wayward Side

I am moving my post here because the prior post I responded to was closed:

Hi,

Fellow ws here, this is such a painful time and I completely can feel where you are coming from.

Some of the advice that I would give may seem very unrelated or not helpful but you have to trust that at some point you may connect with it more deeply.

First of all, I think it would be helpful if you reel in your whys/how’s. There is a lot of correlation being drawn here between the relationship and your cheating. Things may go better if you take accountability that your cheating has nothing to do with the relationship, it had to do with how you coped with the situation.

I am not saying that to kick you when you are down but if you want progress this is absolutely your best bet because if you can take accountability then you can fix your part of it. Whether that brings him back or fixes the relationship, we don’t know. He is in control of his decisions and you are in control of yours. But if you can work this process it may change the response, but for sure it will begin changes in you.

So let’s look at what happened. Instead of leaving him until he agreed to fix the drinking you put up with it. Not shaming, just reflecting back the narrative. This is likely some codependency, which is common in a relationship where one person has an addiction.

So you didn’t feel brave enough for this option. This is an issue with your relationship with yourself. People who have a good relationship with themselves have boundaries. Boundaries are about where you end and another person begins. You take action based on your values, healthiness,

So cheating came in as a way to escape. You may have even felt entitlement to it because through your codependency you allowed yourself to become a martyr with a lot of resentments. These resentments belong to you. His behavior was bad, but you had other choices.

So from this framing you start writing down your whys. For me, a big one was about relying on others for my happiness. Needing validation outside of myself. And I mean everyone needs some level of validation, that is human, but an excessive need spells out that you do not have the self worth/self love to expect the right treatments and behaviors, and likely are missing coping skills as well.

I am sure that you are talking about some of this in IC. But I would recommend reading a post here by daddy dom on discovering our true whys. It’s like unraveling a big afghan, until you unravel section a, you can’t get to section b. It just keeps going.

So the questions to ask yourself is what do you wish you would have done instead and what prevented that as your ultimate path.

As far as with him, if you have accountability over your decisions without tying it back to him, that might be a good start. Be transparent, honest, do not be defensive or demanding. You might want to read the book "how to help your spouse heal from an affair". But I also like "rising strong" by brene brown because it taught me about shame and its effects on connection. I know you have a small child, get the audio versions and play them in your car if you need to.

Post here. There is a lot of wisdom to be found. I read a lot of bs stories and even just found out. Understanding the trauma of affairs is a big one.

Focus just on you and your issues, allow him to focus on his. Try to connect with his pain and don’t minimize your actions.

I don’t know if it’s too late, but I know it’s not too late for you to grow and learn from this and become a better version of yourself. This will be important if you reconcile and important if you don’t.

Think about what love means to you and what it doesn’t. I think your husband may be concerned in addition that you were searching for rich men. This is an added thing that may create shame for him.

I truly wish you the best and I will watch for updates and questions. I encourage you to look at both of the daddy dom posts at the top of this forum.

[This message edited by hikingout at 7:09 PM, Wednesday, May 29th]

I was curious, and honestly bored,

I would challenge the bored feeling...perhaps it appeared as "bored" but honestly could have been more than just boredom for you to have specifically looked to engage specifically sugar daddies online. What were you wanting?

his actions were making me feel insecure

To quote my therapist, nobody can make you feel. We are responsible for our own emotions, full stop. Like the Eleanor Roosevelt quote, "Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent" we are the ones that consent to allowing ourselves to feel x when people do y. This is usually due to our own fractured relationship with self. If we look at self, and the areas of where we may be feeling insecure within us, not outside of us, but within us, then we can start healing to where people no longer have the power to inflict their abuses/neglect/ridicule, etc. over us, we learn our worth and block the rest. Our worth, once established, cannot be taken from us. In this case, questions I have are related to your insecurity...what are you feeling insecure about? What emotions is that insecurity evoking within you? Fear? If so, what is your fear?

it was hard at times when I was alone with our baby feeling like we were not good enough for him to choose what was best for us.

This stands out to me, you not feeling good enough to be chosen, to be cared for maybe? or prioritized? Made important? to matter? I'm so sorry you felt this way. The truth is that what your partner was doing in his alcoholism is not a reflection of your worth but rather a fractured part within himself that he would have had to work through to heal. As much as it feels like it's a personal thing, like he's deliberately and personally thinking, "My partner and my child are not good enough for me to choose..." that's not the case. He is experiencing his own wounds and self sabotaging in drinking. It doesn't make it any less hurtful for you, absolutely not. And it's definitely not okay. However, know it's not a reflection of your value/worth or you not being good enough.

it was nice to be able to talk and vent to someone

Sounds like you were looking for connection...what specifically did you feel you got out of this relationship?

I feared the judgement that would come from it.

This breaks my heart for you, do you feel as though you cannot share with loved ones at all without judgement?

I was looking for disassociation from my life I suppose

escapism makes sense. What were your reasons for staying with your partner rather than leaving due to his alcoholism? What were you gaining in the relationship?

I knew he didn’t deserve this

He did not, and you did not. You did not deserve a partner that was deep in alcoholism, you did not deserve to not have a coparent available for your baby, you did not deserve to be with someone that could not be available to you or your baby because of their own addictions. You also did not deserve to use yourself in an affair, and he did not deserve infidelity. This is not to excuse your choices or his, you are both using self-sabotaging behaviors to soothe inner turmoil. You yourselves do not deserve it, and your partners by proxy do not either. You are both hurting and using that hurt to further hurt yourselves and each other.

He cleaned up his drinking and is doing a lot better.

This is so wonderful that he's taken these steps.

why couldn’t he do these things when I was beginning him?

Sadly, this is something that only he could have ever gotten to. Sometimes people get there and can confront addiction head on and sometimes they never do. Sometimes it takes rock bottom for someone to be able to climb out of this. The truth is that whatever is hurting them is too scary to face and process through, the avoidance and escapism of alcohol is more appealing than the pain from going through the emotions that cause the drinking. This is the same for an affair, the pain experienced prior to having an affair is not processed and instead escapism is sought out.

We have discussed starting MC

I personally recommend IC before MC. This way you both challenge your own inclinations to use escapism when experiencing challenging emotions and hurts. IC will provide you with the tools to better cope those moments in your life, and will be a safe space to process the challenging emotions. Once you both learn to do this, then MC can help bridge your marriage. Unfortunately, MC will not teach you each this individual work and provide you each the tools necessary to heal your own hurts. Therefore, those will still be there and can still rear their ugly heads if not worked on.

I hate myself so much for not being stronger

Please don't shame yourself for this. You don't have the tools to process certain emotional hardships you're experiencing within and that is ok. You maybe were never taught how to do this, that's what a good IC can help you learn. How could you have known if you were never taught? This is not to excuse using your hurts to hurt others, but even then the shame is not warranted. Compassion is the key to healing. You deserve compassion from yourself. Accountability for they ways you've caused hurt to someone else is, of course, needed. But so is compassion for your not knowing how to do better in those moments.