SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I’ve tried looking through older posts but I haven’t come across this - can someone help me understand why a WH has so much anger towards their spouse? Are they deflecting so they don’t have to take accountability? He still refuses to admit anything even saying he doesn’t know anyone by the name of the AP (justifying that to himself because he put it as a man’s name in his phone?). How can someone do horrible things then get horribly cruel to their spouse? Why do they do this?

Marie, it doesn’t matter why he does it. His internal motivations could be a number of things, hard to tell. Like I told you before, my wife did very similar things to me until I completely put my foot down and set a rock solid boundary around that behavior. But I still don’t really know why she did it. It’s just atrocious behavior that chips away at a betrayed spouses’ soul. He’s emotionally abusing you. He’s verbally abusing you. Those are what matter. Ignore why for now. Maybe if he has a huge turn around and stops acting this way, then and only then will HE have to dig into why he behaved so maliciously. It’s just not your puzzle to solve.

Bigger gave you some excellent and serious advice at the end of your last thread. I think it warrants reading it again. Praying for you.

Why do they do this?

There are some people who have no empathy for others and don't care about others. They don't care how they treat you, they just manipulate you to get the behavior they want from you. They'll do anything to you, including saying things like not knowing anyone by the name of the AP or literally kicking you while you're huddled on the floor crying. Ted Bundy was charming and good looking, and he could manipulate people to get what he wanted. He was a very prolific serial killer. While your WH may not be a serial killer, he is trying to beat your spirit down until you give up and just do what he wants.

You won't understand because his thought process is so disordered. You're trying to apply logic where logic doesn't exist. It isn't understandable why people would act that way, but they do. There are some truly vile people out there without a conscience. You can go to YouTube and look for dark triad personalities or sociopaths/psychopaths and you'll find a bunch of information.

Also, look up the acronym DARVO. Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. Pretty sad that there's an acronym for the behavior of some people. They will deny even if you have iron-clad proof, they will attack you and play the victim.

can someone help me understand why a WH has so much anger towards their spouse?

One of the more insightful things I’ve read about anger is that it is a response to a loss of control. The anger gives a feeling of control.

Can you see that in your WH?

[This message edited by HouseOfPlane at 2:14 PM, Monday, July 1st]

‘It’s only a model’, and an old one at that, but check a Wikipedia discussion of ‘Reality principle". It’s useful.

(Nod to both Ink and to python fans in the parentheses)

This is a silly place.

I found that discussion on reality principle to be enlightening, for Marie’s question and in general. Useful, indeed.

Marie,

He’s angry because he got caught, and you’re insisting on accountability.

He’s pissed off because he didn’t want to get caught. He didn’t want to have to explain himself. He didn’t want to have to deal with you or anyone else, let alone face the real consequences of his behavior.

You really need to go no contact with him. Trying to get anything out of him by begging, pleading, or any other way is useless. He doesn’t care about anyone else right now.

The sooner you figure that out, the sooner you will begin to regain your own sense of stability.

Look up the 180 and grey rock. They are your only options right now, because you’re refusing to face facts here.

It like the toddler that throws a tantrum when he got caught with his hand caught in a cookie jar - then blames you for catching him - then tries to do the scream/kick/stomp/yell crap to get you to STFU or at least drown you out.

Same level of maturity there.

It's a coping mechanism. No one can be the villain of their own story.

Thus, you must be the bad guy. Otherwise his actions would clearly be selfish and he would be an asshole. He cannot accept this reality.

Between accepting reality and manufacturing you as the bad guy. He picks the manufactured bad guy.

Marie

Look – I have two choices: I can ignore your threads or I can continue to post what might seem like harsh posts on your situation. I feel a sense of duty to do my utmost to steer you away from the DREADFUL future you are seemingly willingly headed for...

The issue is that – as I said in my last post on your thread about emotional abuse – you HAVE been told what you probably have to do, and what you are dealing with. Frankly there is nothing you post about his actions and behavior that is unexpected.

HE IS ABUSING YOU and his anger is IMHO simply confirmation on that subject.

His anger is his tool to control you. It is the typical escalation process of an abusive relationship.

I encourage you to go back and read your threads and the suggestions made. Then come back with some action plan OR questions based on what we have suggested. I fear terribly that you won’t... that this will be the third thread you start where you stop posting once we come with the hard advice...

If so... well... unfortunately I would have to repeat this from my last post on your situation:

What he is doing NOW is abuse. It’s emotional abuse, and now he’s showing his disregard for you in front of the kids. If you were to decide to remain in an unchanged UNCHANGED marriage then STOP confronting him. Learn to live within the dull, subdued golden-cage he’s offering. Accept that he won’t show you respect, that he will cheat and that he won’t see you as an equal. After all – YOU have decided that you can’t get out of this relationship. Experience shows that those that are abusive progress if confronted. Its emothonal now, but if you dare make demands like he tell you the truth, doesn’t have affairs and all that... this WILL progress to physical. If YOU have DECIDED to accept this as your future... learn to live a subdued emasculated life.

Bigger, yes, you are being too harsh. I have not said I am staying with him. I am not asking for advice on that. I am trying to understand how people can do things like this so I can understand my situation better. You don’t know what decisions I’ve made and what I’m doing. I am talking to lawyers. I am making plans. But I cannot make him leave the house if he does not want to at this point. Please stop telling me what to do without knowing what I am actually doing. It is not helpful in the way you seem to think it is.