SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

How do y’all do it? I am not suicidal, but I can’t think of one thing in my life that brings me joy or comfort aside from my kids.

Every disappointment, everything that breaks, all unforeseen maintenance seems to carry the weight of the world in the wake of my WW.

All I wanted to do was ride my motorcycle this weekend, just put a bunch of money into it and there was an issue with the upgrades. Back to the shop. AC in the house went and just had to put $3k into my truck. How do you all isolate dumb and normal life shit from the emotional spiral of your marriage and life falling apart?

Just looking for ideas because walking the dogs, working out and working aren’t cutting through it. I can see my posts becoming more and more negative and my brain loop’s spiraling. My family is out of town visiting WW extended family, and I am just ruminating.

If you figure it out, please let me know.
The depression has hit so bad here, like you I’m struggling to find any enjoyment or comfort in anything.
I see that you’re just living together for now, does that mean you’re separated? If that’s the case, I believe when she moves out most of the weight of it will lift.
When my partner moved out for two weeks, I felt the peace and calm I’d been craving. A lot of the emotions were still there, but they didn’t consume my every thought/action.
I’m not sure if that’s any comfort to you, just a reminder that there’ll be light at the end of the tunnel.

I'm not familiar with your posts. But I've read your signature. She's caused you an enormous amount of pain,and damage. If you are this unhappy, maybe reconciliation isn't the way to go? She's cheated half of your marriage, you've only had 2 good years? AND an std?

Maybe your path to happiness is started by getting away from your abuser.

[This message edited by HellFire at 6:40 PM, Friday, July 5th]

walking the dogs, working out and working aren’t cutting through it.

Find an activity that is mentally consuming. Walking the dog is the opposite of that for me, I can walk on autopilot while I dive into the past. The biggest brain cleanse I ever found for me was rock climbing. Totally focused on the moment. Stuff that requires full attention to motor skills, like brain surgery or model building? If a computer guy, flight simulators or intense computer games.

It eases with time. For a while every little mole hole was a mountain and I was not able to handle it. My cat died and I absolutely lost my mind.
Have you tried meditation? It really helps. Learn to quiet your mind.

Also, remember that it is our resistance to discomfort and pain that hurts more than the discomfort and pain itself.

But mostly it took time. Sorry.

There is research suggesting some games help with this. Tetris, Candy Crush, match 3 games. I play Seeker's Notes, and it has really helped me to be distracted.

I also started to do meditation, which helped me control my thought spirals.

I was stuck in a "men are pigs" phase for a while. But healing and time played a big part.

It comes down to a choice. A choice that you consciously make to stop yourself from being "entitled". You appear to be upset you could not ride. Okay - it didn’t work out. But what else did you do or could you have done? Besides being angry or disappointed.

I am all in that affairs and cheating are devastating and crippling. The cheater ruins lives and people.

But your whole life cannot center around the affair. Because if it does you are stuck. Stuck in a rut and letting the affair over shadow your future.

I was you for 3 years after Dday. Unhappy. Woke up every day and first thing that popped in my head was the affair, the trauma, his willingness to kick me to the curb for the OW, the pain, the hurt, the cruelty I suffered etc.

And then I saw a YouTube video by Will Smith called Fault vs Responsibility. In essence it’s not your fault your spouse/partner cheated. But it is your responsibility to heal yourself.

I use the analogy of a car accident that’s not your fault but you suffered a broken leg. No one can heal that leg but you. Not the driver of the other vehicle, not your spouse — just you. So you work hard and go to physical therapy. You do your best to get back to 100%.

Same with the aftermath of an affair. You do everything possible to get back to a happy life.

Professional counseling. Medication if warranted. Listening or reading whatever you can get your hands on to help you.

What you don’t do is blame the affair for your expensive repairs and not being able to ride your motorcycle. You learn to separate the normal ups snd downs of life from the affair and/or the trauma from the affair.

I’m living my best life right now. Despite two affairs from my H and all that I have endured from it. I started my own business and this year I’m having my best year. I put myself first always. Not my marriage or him - me!

I learned how to become more self confident and I know I can always rely on myself. I have proven I’m smart and capable and strong when I need to be.

I hope this helps you to decide to make some changes and do something about your unhappiness. You should not have your whole life ruined by an affair.

You pick up the pieces and do everything you can to heal. You owe it to yourself.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 2:52 PM, Saturday, July 6th]

I wish I had advice, but I’m in the same boat as you so you aren’t alone. If you do figure out what works, please share with the rest of us. I see people say time and sitting with the emotions is the only way through it, but damn it’s awful feeling like this and it doesn’t seem like there’s any light at the end of the tunnel.

I just took things as they came, focused on doing only the "next right thing", no matter how shitty the day was. Did I do it perfectly?

Of course I did!

Life in the Hell of infidelity revealed!!!

The first 2-3 years were extremely difficult, worst years of my life.