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I've been married 34 years. I found out that my husband had been having an affair for 6 years a year ago.
He said he wanted to stay married to me and has always said he was never leaving me, and the affair partner knew this.
I found out this weekend that they are still in contact and they are still emotionally involved.
He said he feels guilt towards her which is why it has continued and that she has mental health issues.
He also has had mental health issues his whole life.
The whole last year his affair partner has been ringing my phone and lately sending me abusive messages.
What do I do. I'm strong enough to walk away, but my husband is suicidal at what he's done. Any advice please.

What do you do?

Stand up for yourself.

Stop listening to his lies and excuses.

Tell him exactly what you expect. If he chooses not to listen, explain the consequences.

Example: tell the cheater no further contact with the OW. He has to decide now and you are holding him accountable.

If he lies and speaks to her again, XX will occur as a result of his choices.

And then hold him to it.

I can tell you when the OW emailed my H trying to restart the affair a third time - he came to me in fear thinking I was going to kick him out.

I had told him prior that any contact with her and I was D him. Good news was he knew I meant it. Her emailing him was not his fault. But he knew it didn’t look good.

It’s called sticking to your word. Your Chesting spouse should learn what that means.

Thanks for your advice. He knows I will not accept this anymore.
What did you do after the second betrayal?
At the moment I think I'm in shock at the level of betrayal and that the affair partner is sending me abuse like I'm the other woman. It's madness

Start by keeping and filing away the abusive messages. You may need to file a restraining order against her for your safety.

Mental health depression does not give one the right to have an affair.

Mental health issues does not give one permission to continue the affair. Either her or him.

His Suicidal thoughts are not your responsibility to deal with. He needs professional help and care, if that’s the case.

Ask yourself what is keeping you in this marriage? What attachment do you have to the marriage and to him?

Ask yourself what it is you’re uncomfortable to do with regards to his affair?

Please get support from community, friends, relatives, mental health societies. You need to surround yourself with people who care for you.

Right now it is you that needs support.

Usually a call for what to do is right under our noses. We just need maybe a tad of courage and resilience to work it through.

If he was truly suicidal over what he's done,he would stop doing it .

Many ws say they're suicidal as a way to manipulate their BS. It's extremely common.

The next time he expresses suicidal thoughts,call 911. That's what you're legally supposed to do anyway. And, if he is truly suicidal, they will get him the help he needs. If he's not, he won't play that card again.

Block the other woman's number. See an attorney,and have them send her an official NC letter.

The affair has continued. He's put you through false R. He knows the ow has been tormenting and abusing you. He doesn't care.

His words mean nothing. His actions are showing you he's done with the marriage. He wants you to file, so he can tell everyone you're the bad guy.

File. If he pulls his head out of his ass, then maybe he can do the work to reconcile. If not, you're a step in the right direction.

Recovering from false R is extremely difficult.

Recovering from false R is extremely difficult.

^^^This I am one who could not recover from it. Honestly I would walk away from this M if I were you and if he's suicidal call the authorities to have him evaluated and helped. Him being suicidal is a manipulation tactic whether he is doing it knowingly or unknowingly. It's just unfair to you. If anyone should be suicidal I would think it would be you after all he is putting you through. He is just feeling sorry for himself.

He is manipulating you. He knows your kindness and is using it against you.
Follow the advice of the others. When he claims suicidal, call 911. If he really is, he’ll get the help he needs. If not, he’ll learn what happens you cry wolf.

And yes— save those messages. She sounds like a bunny boiler and that is not okay.
Talk to a lawyer. Learn what D would look like. It will take some fear out of things.

As a FWW who felt a lot of guilt towards the OM, my advice to any BS is to exercise that strength.

Understandably, there's not much sympathy here for APs. Unlike the BS, they knew what they were getting into when they became involved with a married person. However, from a WS perspective, it's not uncommon to feel guilty about telling someone you loved them and tossing them like yesterday's garbage. Throwing them under the bus to save your own ass is hard to reconcile with the "good person caught in the claws of fate" narrative that some of us sell to ourselves. He likely sees you as the "winner" because he was always going to choose you. I'm fully aware of the arrogance and presumption of that attitude, but alas, it was not obvious while I was in a similar headspace.

In order to finally implement NC, I had to accept that the damage to the OM was inevitable, and if he was going to end up hating me for it, so be it. The anger, disillusionment, and despair of the AP is the price of a chance at reconciliation with the BS. It's also healthier for the AP to start coping with reality immediately. I destroyed my friendship with the OM the day I first crossed the line with him. All promises I made to him were undeliverable unless I was prepared to give up my BS. The "we'll still be friends" plan just gave him false hope and was honestly the most selfish course of action I could have come up with.

A major part of the appeal of the affair was the OM's obsession with me and my corresponding belief in my central role in his existence. I wasn't giving that ego kibble up without a fight. My BH had to deliver an ultimatum to get me to do it. OM survived. I'm sure it did hurt for a while, but as far as I know, all these years later, he's doing just fine.

You are not responsible for whatever outcome, up to and including suicide, that results from your decision to hold healthy boundaries. Being strong enough to save yourself is a blessing, not a justification for piling extra suffering on your shoulders. If he can't break free of her, break free of him.

Agree with all of the advice here. Def call 911 the next time he threatens suicide. If it's not a threat but more of a "sometimes I think I should end it all," type of comment, insist he seek psychiatric care with a therapist. I mean, make it a condition of him still having the pleasure of your company.

Ask yourself this: when does your devastation and agony start to matter? When is it ok to remove yourself from abuse and manipulation (from him and AP)?

You really do matter. You truly do. They aren't thinking about you and your health/happiness. You need to do that for yourself.

[This message edited by TheEnd at 7:13 PM, Monday, July 8th]

He's betraying (hurting, devastating) you so he doesn't hurt her? This after he's already seen the pain betrayal has caused you?

Urge him to therapy or call 911--depending on the specifics of his suicidal ideation. But it's high time to prioritize yourself.

It's okay to wish him well and want him to be healthy and safe, but he's a danger to your mental and emotional health. So, you protect you.

I'm so very sorry he has continued to choose to betray you. You deserve so, SOOO much better.

I think you kind of buried the lead on this one. Your issue is not that he's depressed, it's that he's still lying and actively wayward.

He is not taking accountability for his actions. He's blaming his depression because it's a convenient scapegoat and/or because your empathy makes it easier for him to manipulate you. Right now he is saying and doing whatever he can in order to keep cake-eating. He has the best of both worlds and does not want to give either up. Force his hand. That is the only thing that works in these types of scenarios.

At this point, it doesn't matter WHY he's continuing to act the way he is. The effect is that his actions are unacceptable and he's not a safe partner for you. Handcuffing yourself to a sinking ship is a surefire way to drown. If he is truly suicidal, you are not the person to save him. Call his friends or family and let them be responsible. You should not be continuing to sacrificing your life and mental health for someone who has been careless - nay, actively callous - with your wellbeing FOR SIX YEARS. This woman has been abusive towards you and he continues to protect HER feelings, to the detriment of yours. The friend of your enemy cannot be your friend.