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Hello all. So we are about 3 months out of Dday 1. The scene has been getting better. Communication has been improved somewhat. Life has stabilized a bit.

But now, I am dealing with my WW's triggers as well as my own. This past weekend - while she was withdrawn b/c of her trigger - I was getting anxious and pissed b/c of my own stuff as well. Having her withdrawn was compounding my flooding. So to remove myself from the situation I went and got myself an ice cream cone. I didn't ask her, I didn't bring our kids - I just needed to do something for myself and by myself.

Yesterday - the same crap happened. And on top of that she was being somewhat passive-aggressive. So again, me being frustrated, aggravated, and dealing with my own stuff - I removed myself again from the situation. Told her I was leaving to run an "errand". A half-truth as I went to the drug store to get some foot medicine and went to work (down the block) so I could have space to journal without her or the boys around. Well - it pissed her off. Do I really care? No.

Am I justified for doing what I need? I could have said out loud - "I need to go cope with my trauma that you wrought on me," but I didn't. I just quietly left for 30 minutes to an hour. I don't feel like I have to ask for permission to go take care of myself!

We have weekly Monday afternoon meetings at a park or neutral location to talk about the affair and our marriage. Most of the time it is centered on her feelings. I'm done with that crap. It's time for her to stop projecting her shame and guilt on me and make space for my trauma and feelings. I don't care if she has the capacity to deal with it - but it needs to start being said. Maybe she will finally develop some accountability and empathy.

The bulk of my statements today will be that I don't have to ask permission as a grown 46 year-old adult if I can take care of myself in a way that I find necessary. My choices are my choices - and as long as they don't hurt my kids, her, or anyone else - who should care? Choices have consequences - I am going to tell her to rethink her choices over the last year.

I'm done holding space for her BS and not getting reciprocation! I am the one that was cheated on! I was the one that is traumatized! My choices are coming from empowerment now - where her's is from a place of brokenness, shame, and self-pity! How else to I make her aware of this?

Sorry - had to vent in a safe spot. Need to know I'm not cuckoo!

I agree with everything you said.

It's fine..healthy..to take some time for yourself. Are you telling her you are leaving,or do you simply just leave? While I do not think you should be asking permission to leave..absolutely not..I do think you should tell her you are leaving..and why. Common curtesy,to let her know you're leaving the house. And, yes, she should be told you're leaving because of xyz.

What work is she doing to become a safe partner? It doesn't sound like she's doing the heavy lifting to reconcile...something every ws needs to do.

Both times I said I was either taking a drive or running an "errand." I just don't get up and leave without telling her.

Just like I have done the last 20 years of our marriage.

I agree!

She should NOT be the focus of the healing.

You’re the one who is the victim here. She should be helping you with your healing, not the other way around.

I would ask her what the hell? How is it that she thinks this is about her? The affair was about her, and now the repair is, too?

Nope.

She has to help you. If you need time to journal, you tell her TIME! If you need space, you let her know SPACE!

This is going to take 2 to 5 years, and she needs to get herself in that mindset.

Then that's fine.

Absolutely stop protecting her feelings. She must hear your pain,and anger. It's part of her process,and helps her know exactly how her actions have affected you,and the marriage.

It sounds like she is throwing pity parties. Stop attending.

She's also just wallowing in shame and self-pity. Is she reading? Not sure - she's an Ebook person but has stated during MC that she really hasn't done much. She's in IC and her attitude has been better the last month. The "heavy lifting?" IMO - no, I think she is starting to dive down and may be getting disgusted with what she is finding.

She's pretty isolated from friends and family right now - and told me she was trying to figure out how to reconcile that area of our life. I think it's a matter of time before she hits bottom - and hopefully her IC will help her figure out what is needed to dig out of it.

Myself - I've been reading non-stop, quit drinking, work out everyday, lost 35 pounds, meditate a few times a day, and practicing as much self-love as I can. Started a few new hobbies - and I make it a point to stay "in my own corner." Let her sit and think while I can do the same and keep myself occupied. Not my fault that her choices alienated everyone really important in her life (besides the kids). Hopefully she will crack a book or listen to a podcast soon. I have a bunch of things stored that would help her - but I don't think that's my responsibility or duty right now.

I'd only add that when you're leaving state why. Something like "I'm experiencing pain and anxiety right now due to X and I need some space to clear my head."

Hiding how her behavior makes you feel is giving her too much space whilst you stuff your feelings or deal alone. For sure get that space you need but she should know the why, imo. Not to change her but so you get to at least begin to express what you're going through right now.

I thought you filed for divorce already? Any updates on that?

WGFA - I did file - but tabled it after it kinda "woke her up." It's still in an envelope in the filing cabinet in our office that I can utilize anytime.

It probably didn't wake her up though. That you tabled it--I think that it instead convinced her that she has you wrapped around her finger.

You know it’s ok for you to make demands of her right? You want her to read a book like " how to help your spouse heal from your affair"? You are perfectly ok telling her to get it read and memorized in the next 72 hours or whatever.
You should not be putting up with this behavior at all. And the more you accept it the more you’ll get.
If you were *that* close to pushing on with divorce, Start using that determination to get what you need.

She doing nothing. She's focusing on herself. She's doing none of the work. You filed, so she put on a good show for a few days.

File the papers. Tell her she has until the court date to show she will do the hard work.

After my D-Day, I held nothing back, nothing. I went from a fairly quiet wife to a freaking lunatic, sad, mad, raging, depressed, (never in front of the kids), and it didn't take very long for my WH to acknowledge the severe damage he caused.

IMO it's so critical for the WS to understand the betrayal, it changes every facet of your life.

It seems as if you are protecting her from the truth, she needs to know exactly how you are feeling.

Are you in IC to help you figure out why you are trying to protect her from the reality of the devastation she caused?

IMO, you've been waayyyy too patient with her feelings.

She made choices. While making these destructive choices, she might have allowed herself to "justify" them or to pretend they wouldn't do any real damage, but after Dday needed to accept that she was lying to herself.

I full on told my WH that I didn't have the bandwidth to listen to his pain most of the time. Also (and I told him this too), I felt like his own shame and guilt (and sometimes the wallowing therein) just flagged more selfishness too me...when what I needed to see him demonstrate was empathy & selflessness. He needed to validate my pain and empathize with me.

I was glad he felt shame and guilt, but it just couldn't be me who supported him through his own guilt and pain. I urged him to lean on IC for support in that.

It's not selfish (at all) to expect the person who harmed you so significantly to sacrifice in order to repair the damage & restore the relationship.

From what you have posted so far, it looks like you are the only one fighting for the M to continue.

So far, you have been doing variations of the Pick-Me dance, trying to be too empathic towards your WW, forgetting that she is the one that blew up the M.

Why do you feel the need to 'placate' her? In one of your earlier threads, you mentioned that you have a hard time sticking up for yourself. Would you be able to address that in IC?

You will need to drill down and address your people pleasing approach, where you 'give up' your 'self' to make others comfortable. This will not do you, or your kids, well for the future. You could be modelling to your kids that if they are bullied/abused, they are to give more weight to the abuser's feeling than your own.

You don't need to fight fire with fire, but at least be firm in your boundaries and with visceral to the abuser so that you can protect yourself.

You need to be healthy both physically and mentally, as there are at least three lives that depend on you (hint: You WW is not counted).

"The definition of insanity is -- doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.

-Einstein

I believe so many here have told you to expose, why is it I suspect that has not been done?

I agree with hardyfool.

I am sorry to have to say this but harsh honest blunt truth you need to get for your own good is, YOUR WW RIGHT NOW DOES NOT RESPECT YOU. SHE IS WALKING ALL OVER YOU.

You should go back and read some of the other stories on here. Your method, if you will, of trying to get out of infidelity--by rushing into R right after D-Day--has basically NEVER worked.

PLEASE, tell OBS as she has every right to know. And also, RESTART your Divorce proceedings. And keep doing! Don't cave to your WW this time!

(I have been occasionally criticized here for having a harsh delivery. The sad thing is though, that I and the others saying similarly, are (turn out to be) usually RIGHT. Anger is your FRIEND even if it is anger at a poster here. You need to WAKE UP.)

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 6:10 AM, Tuesday, July 9th]

She'll need your support if you R. The more you heal, the more able you'll be to support her. And the more you heal, the better you'll be able to function if you decide to D. So yeah, focusing on yourself is a good idea.

IMO, it's a bad idea to be passive-aggressive. There's no need to rub her nose in the fact that she traumatized you and the family. Focusing on that keeps you in a Victim position. IMO, it would be helpful for your healing and hers for you to say, 'I need a break because I feel mad/sad/scared.' Or, 'I need a break because I won't listen to blame-shifting/minimizing/TT.'

It helps to ask specifically for what you want. If she says 'no' too many times, you probably will want to D, which may be the right resolution for you. OTOH, more 'yes' answers than you expect may mean that R is more attainable than you think.

My reco is to figure out your requirements for R and ask her if she'll meet them. If her answer is 'no,' you can go right to D and save a lot of heartache. If she says 'yes', R is possible.

Sir, first of all im very sorry you have had to go through this ordeal. Now I may sound a bit gruff, but I speak honesty and not to hurt.

Your WW seems to be setting narrative of this possible reconciliation. You have every right to be selfish. You really are the victim in all this and are still being victimized! It all seems very backwards. She is sitting in bucket of self pity and whoa is me, yet its her very choices that caused all of this. Maybe you better have a second coming to Jesus talk with her. In fact I'd suggest its a one way conversation till you open the floor for 2 way communication! You have extended the grace of reconciliation to her. She NEEDS to once again be made by very aware of this. She needs to understand she either accepts accountability for what her choices did and to help you heal. She doesn't sound ready for this. Has she even been in therapy? It seems she's trying rug sweep it.

I'd suggest you start the process all over again. Lay down set in stone boundries and facts of how certain aspects will happen, that these are absolute deal breakers. She will discuss with you all the details to any questions regarding the affair. This will keep her off balance and very aware of her shitty choices. Has she ever genuinely apologized for what she did to you, to the marriage?

Yes I understand that WP's also suffer trauma and pain due to what they've done once they accept the consequences of their actions. What the hell gives her the right to dictate to you now? She messed up everything, nuked it. Has she done anything to regain your trust? To prove she is a safe partner again. To show her love to you, give it freely? Does she show a shred of empathy for you?

If she hasn't been working her ass off to do these things, then why hasn't she? What are the real consequences? Are you willing to send this all to the dump?

Each infidelity is unique, yet the same. If she is not of the right mind set, not willing to do what it takes time, years to do, what are you willing to do? What consequences does does she really faces? It takes more than being a paper tiger to enact real and genuine change to repair the damage and as long as she knows you're not genuine in the consequences, she will continue to dictate her terms and ignore you. I hope that you can find a way through this, get her undivided attention and get the reconciliation started.

[This message edited by Dagrump at 9:23 AM, Tuesday, July 9th]

Keep working on you and healing. Keep working out and building your self back up. You are on the right track. If you have read here long enough you realize that folks heal at different rates. Many WS do not get it right away, but you must see progress. Ask for what you need. Set your requirements. If she says no too often, you will understand your path forward. Always value yourself. Whatever path you choose, R or D, do not accept less than you deserve. Good luck.