SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

He had a PA when they hadn't been married long. When asked why: "She paid attention to me." Which is exactly why he's allowing THIS.

He had an affair and this is even remotely in question? w-in-t-actual-f?

I agree with HINHF's post in its entirety.

Long story short he is now serving two 7 year terms in a TX maximum security prison.

You're absolutely right. My H thinks she should divorce him before the shit hits the fan and his assets get blown to hell. I think that's a little dramatic, but maybe not

Honestly, I had actually typed up (and then deleted as it felt a little dramatic) a whole paragraph about how she may wish to consider seeking legal advice now on how to best protect her assets in order to avoid a worst case scenario situation. It sounds like they are close to retirement and any blackmail, legal action, criminal allegation - whether it is substantiated or not - could absolutely decimate their joint marital assets. If she waits until AFTER things sour before filing suit, she might be out of luck.

The grabbing her foot,and mentioning her sister's polish on her toenails? Super odd. Why would that even be a detail he would have noticed on the sister..and on Julie.

Pretty sure my husband wouldn't be able to tell me what color my toenails are. And I'm barefoot most of the time.

If you read the story, Lolita was groomed and raped by a predator. She wasn’t some seductive goddess with agency, she was an ignorant child who was abused. Oh and she was kidnapped and further abused by him because he thought she was being unfaithful. There’s a lot more to it, but the idea of the character of Lolita being anything other then a victim is absolutely repulsive, and gives creeps and predators the ability to say they are the victims who were seduced by a child.

There’s a lot more to it, but the idea of the character of Lolita being anything other then a victim is absolutely repulsive, and gives creeps and predators the ability to say they are the victims who were seduced by a child

I agree with this entirely and I hope my post does not suggest otherwise. I think the pop-culture "idea" of a "Lolita" as a cunning temptress rather than a victim is horrific and only serves to damage victims and protect predators. It is as horrific as the part of the culture that sees Vili Fualaau as anything other than the victim of Mary Kay Letourneau.

The grabbing her foot,and mentioning her sister's polish on her toenails? Super odd.

He grabbed her foot and held on for about ten seconds. I was right there, and it was weird.

She's been unhappy with him for years. She's really only hanging on to the marriage because it's familiar; they're a family with their son and the girls and she doesn't want to blow that up (that may be a moot point now); because she needs his health insurance; and because she doesn't want to have to divide their assets. She'll be 61 this year and was hoping to hang on at least until she's eligible for Medicare. She's awesome and longs to have a partner who's as fun as she is and who adores her. She deserves it.

They have a lake house that she bought to get away from him years ago because he was driving her crazy, putting her in the bad guy seat with their failure-to-launch son. It's been on the market for months and won't sell. I'm wondering if the universe is telling her that's where she needs to be.

This has all been covered, but I’ll reiterate it.

I teach high school and come into contact with lots of girls like J. They are traumatized minors acting out in terribly unhealthy, deluded ways, and they need serious help. They do NOT need grown men who act like this man is acting. At best, this is a spectacular failure of an adult to draw healthy boundaries with a troubled minor he purports to care about. Much more likely it’s a deluded, unhealthy, and possibly predatory older man relishing attention from a pubescent child in a situation that is going nowhere good and probably somewhere very bad.

If this were my husband I would say exactly that, and if there wasn’t instant willingness to draw very firm, healthy boundaries I’d pack my bags.

If he IS willing to draw those boundaries, I advise bringing in a professional third party to help with that process. Troubled girls like this feel rejection keenly and react in highly volatile ways. Tread carefully.

I remember how it felt to test my "feminine wiles" as a teenager. Thankfully, I didn't have the opportunity to try them on any adults, only goofy ass teenage boys. It's ALWAYS on the adults to shut it down.

Yeah this story is super uncomfortable. Your friend is not crazy.

I agree with limiting Julie's access to the home.

First off, this young one is playing with a power she doesn't yet know how to wield. She'll lose control and end up in a bad, bad situation.

Secondly, the husband has proven he cannot be trusted. He's clearly blowing past all the stop signs. That makes him a danger to himself, this child and his family. (dude! come on!) He should be ashamed of himself.

Thirdly, your friend is being disrespected in her own home. By the child and the husband. And yes, I think the child can and should be held accountable for disrespecting your friend. At her age, she may not realize she is being disrespectful but she needs to learn.

No more rides to school. No more morning coffee. No more alone time with the husband. If Julie is allowed around say, when your friend is home or her sisters are around and she behaves inappropriately, your friend should correct the behavior. She is a mom-like figure so it's fine to teach this girl what is and isn't appropriate. If your friend had a daughter and saw her draping herself over a much older married man, what would she do? Probably have a talk.

After that, your friend has some thinking to do about being married to this "man."

If he IS willing to draw those boundaries, I advise bringing in a professional third party to help with that process. Troubled girls like this feel rejection keenly and react in highly volatile ways. Tread carefully.

Oof. This is exactly why I think that there should be no talk with any of the girls about inappropriate boundaries, lest a seed be planted. People can twist "memories".

If this were my husband I would say exactly that, and if there wasn’t instant willingness to draw very firm, healthy boundaries I’d pack my bags.

Amen.

First off, this young one is playing with a power she doesn't yet know how to wield. She'll lose control and end up in a bad, bad situation.

Secondly, the husband has proven he cannot be trusted. He's clearly blowing past all the stop signs. That makes him a danger to himself, this child and his family. (dude! come on!) He should be ashamed of himself.

Thirdly, your friend is being disrespected in her own home. By the child and the husband. And yes, I think the child can and should be held accountable for disrespecting your friend. At her age, she may not realize she is being disrespectful but she needs to learn.

Boom. Boom. BOOM. Nailed it.

My worry is that if my friend is the one to try to teach this girl after the inappropriate behavior has been going on for so long, it could backfire. I'm not sure if it's better to say something or to cut contact with no explanation.

[This message edited by SacredSoul33 at 8:50 PM, Tuesday, July 9th]

This is exactly why I think that there should be no talk with any of the girls about inappropriate boundaries,

Agree..but,also, she shouldn't talk to the sisters about it, because that implies it's Julie's fault, and the sisters would talk to their sister about stopping the behavior. It's his behavior that's the problem. I'm not saying she is in the right,clearly she's not. But this entire situation is on him.

I remember how it felt to test my "feminine wiles" as a teenager. Thankfully, I didn't have the opportunity to try them on any adults, only goofy ass teenage boys. It's ALWAYS on the adults to shut it down.

Yep. And when I look back at the older guys who told me I was "mature for my age" and "I wasn't like the other girls" I am horrified (and grateful that I had safe adults in my life looking out for me). Doesn't matter if it as true - I was smart and I was mature and none of that changes the fact that it was grooming.

[This message edited by emergent8 at 8:59 PM, Tuesday, July 9th]

It's his behavior that's the problem. I'm not saying she is in the right,clearly she's not. But this entire situation is on him.

Agree with Hellfire.

I fear that more boundaries have already been breached and part of why he wants to go along with it is she will tell. When people are asking what is the deal between those two, in my opinion there is already a lot happening. I am not accusing him of anything specific but this feels like there is more to the story. I would only be afraid of secretly videoing because she is underage and now you have child porn? But this needs to end.

And ew- none of our daughters would have wanted my husband to wash period out of anything, that in itself makes me feel like something more is happening here. This goes beyond infidelity and is venturing into criminal charges. Sorry, it feels more like when you see the tip of the iceberg. Like HNHF, I am a CSA survivor and this sounds too familiar.

[This message edited by hikingout at 9:04 PM, Tuesday, July 9th]

Yeah it's tough spot for sure. I was thinking gentle corrections like "you're getting older now and young ladies don't ..." Or something along those lines.

But I see the concern.

Cutting her off without explanation could backfire too.

It's his behavior that's the problem. I'm not saying she is in the right,clearly she's not. But this entire situation is on him.

Right, and admitting that to the girls could go very, very wrong.

There's no easy way out of this.

There's no easy way out of this.

Agree.

It's already an EA, possibly PA with a minor. The only thing possibly preventing it from being classified as an A is that your BFF is aware of how they touch and talk to each other. He isn't hiding the open physical and verbal affection they are showing each other. Behavior that doesn't constitute anything close to father/daughter nor fall within expected norms for marital devotion (especially for a fWS).

I wouldn't be playing a drawing boundaries game. I'd already be headed for the door with the history of cheating. My 0.02.

SacredSoul, and SS’s BFF if you are reading,

I want to warn that I am going to say something difficult, but HikingOut basically implied that something more is already going on.

While being vague as possible, it took only 2 days for my abuser. I was tested and groomed, and the first opportunity he had me alone, well, here I am. I don’t know what the data is on how these things work, but in my case, first opportunity he had. And I wasn’t even flirting or being overt. I’m not gay, I just didn’t see the very inappropriate behavior, because I was just about the same age as this
Girl.

And I wanted to say one more thing, about how disgusting this is. Even if WH is just a sap who eats up attention from any girl/woman, he has failed this child. If he wanted to be a father figure, he should be the one to teach this girl that there are boys and men who Will actually care about her for her, and not want something in return. That means setting boundaries, establishing rules, showing his wife and his family respect and being the role model. A father protects his daughters from men who want to take advantage of them, and it is a reality that I think most teenage girls will face. Instead, he has shown her that as long as she shows sexuality she has value, and he is taking massive advantage of her for his own sick benefit. Being a father is way more than hugs and physical affection.

Rant over. I just had to say this because it has been bothering me.