SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It has nothing to do with our family but a good friend / neighbor. We have known this couple for about 4 years. The W is good friends with my W but I have always had a weird feeling about her H. The H is a recovering addict / alcoholic, F? WS, and has always had jobs that require him to work nights and or out of town. He has had about 5 jobs in the 4 years we’ve known them. They have very good kids but he is always absent working nights, out of town, or playing video games.

About a year ago he was working nights at a large shipping facility (ok Amazon). He came home and said he is on paid leave pending an investigation. They were at our house and the W was telling the story, I was watching the body language of the H looking down not making eye contact. The story was he was recently promoted and put on salary. He would go to his car for 15 minute breaks but didn’t clock out. He assumed being on salary he didn’t have to. So thinking logically, would Amazonl pay him a full week of an investigation to find 15-30 minutes of pay? He was fired and he insisted on not filing unemployment or pursuing anything "let’s move on".

He got a better job paying great but he was traveling weeks at a time, this was the most they had ever made, but suddenly the company fired him, put him on a plane and sent him home. Again, "Let’s just move on, it’s God’s plan", whatever.

Ok so now he got a new job, he was sent out of town yesterday for training to start today. The new company paid all of his travel expenses including a rental car. Last night we were hanging out outside and his W came over to share some wine. She said "H is on the side of the road changing a flat in the rental car". I’m like "Hell NO, get me some roadside assistance that’s part of the rental". I was joking about it.

He calls a couple hours later to tell her he was actually ran off the road, hit a sign, changed the flat on the side of the road and went to the hotel. The car has a broken windshield, the mirrors were knocked off, bent rim, and the side and the hood is dented. He’s going to report it to the rental company tonight after the training class.

My friends, this stinks to high heaven, my bull-shit-o-meter is off the charts. WTH is this guy up to? MY GUT says he had to hide the hooker, sober up, or both. It’s my belief he cannot be trusted on the road, he is up to no good, he has a great family and really good kids. Sad

Rare time where I don’t automatically agree and suspect cheating. Something is up for sure, but I don’t know if it’s a hooker. I worked a lot of overnights, I was never cheating on my ex. I’m on salary now but I never clock in or out.

I’m guessing drugs more than anything. Possible he had a hooker, but honestly hiding all of the damage screams to be of being intoxicated and driving. When I was a cop it was pretty common

Rare time where I don’t automatically agree and suspect cheating.

Yea I can’t put my finger on it, but he is up to something. I feel sorry for his family.

[This message edited by Tanner at 4:04 AM, Tuesday, July 30th]

Wow. Yeah sounds like drugs or alcohol or affairs/hookers or a combo of all of the above.
It’s sad.

Why do companies keep hiring him? With salary increases and/or paid expenses? Don't companies do employment checks? Something doesn't fit.....

My SIL kept getting fired from jobs and kept losing friends due to supposed 'drama.' I always found it odd. Only after my brother got a D did people step up to explain to him how the ex's extreme flirting, sexual inuendo, and outright cheating caused all of the severed ties. One secretary told him that she caught the ex with their married boss and told the boss, "She goes or I go. Which will it be?"

Where there is a heck of a lot of smoke, there is fire.

I would suspect he has relapsed as well. However, I find it odd that his jobs can figure that out very quickly but his W hasn't? That is the only thing that has me doubting the relapse. Unless she is in denial?

I read a personality disorder. One that used to be in the diagnostic manual is Passive aggressive PD. They are impossible to work with because the one thing you can depend on is they are undependable. They are notorious for sitting down on the job. This might not be him but he is sabotaging every job he gets. I had a boss with this PD. Small town, nice family so he kept his job because everyone did his work for him. I could fill pages of things he did, and did not do, and some of them were criminal. When I got another job I took copies of things in order to protect myself. When I heard he retired I finally burned them.

Because he had a wreck I’m guessing he’s also drinking surreptitiously.

How are they managing financially?

High or drunk on the job likely, and likely while driving. Maybe infidelity or sexual harassment, but sounds like predominant issue is addiction.

Simplest explanation is some sort of intoxication. 15 minute breaks say 'alcohol' to me.

How are they managing financially?

They are in a bad spot financially, barely staying above water.

I find it odd that his jobs can figure that out very quickly but his W hasn't?

I think she is in denial, she is always praising his sobriety and how far he has come. I think she is feels stuck and is ignoring her gut.

15 minute breaks say 'alcohol' to me.

In 4 years I’ve know them alcohol wasn’t his struggle, it was hard drugs prior to us meeting them. Most times together he might have a couple of beers, but mostly doesn’t drink.

It sounds like drugs or alcohol. I only know a few people with drug problems, but alcohol and/or other drugs, seem to fit into the lifestyle somewhere at some point. There's a good chance he was fired for other reasons from the job. The drugs/alcohol/ sex? may have been the base cause. It may have been more legally and financially expedient to fire him for something else like unexcused breaks. If he's not asking for unemployment, one or more firings are probably "for cause", and he isn't eligible.

Companies often also only confirm dates of employment and position. I've done it. My point is that if it is drugs and/or alcohol, it might not be on record. It may take a while for it to catch up to him. If his wife is in denial, it may be a while. I'll be thinking of her.

Tanner,
Based solely on what you share your friend is battling addiction.
I have more experience than I care to have on dealing with people battling addiction. Although there might be variances between the various substances, the basics are still the same.

Although addicts might have a drug of choice then those really dealing with addiction (be it alcoholism, cocaine or whatever) tend to go for their fix using whatever method available to them at the given time. If your friend was once battling alcoholism, then drugs... simply quitting drugs isn’t enough. He needs TOTAL sobriety.
He can’t have an "occasional" beer. That is so common with self-treating addicts. They think that if they stay off the strong stuff and only have a beer or two then they are fine. Only those individual beers are simply leading to something more. This is part of the reason newly sober alcoholics are encouraged to go to AA meetings 4-6 times per week for the first months – to totally break out of the "I can control my drinking" mentality.
I also noted you said his wife had some drinks with you. More common than not, a home with a recovering alcoholic tends to run dry for at least the first couple of years.

Now – He MIGHT have been snorting coke in those 15-minute breaks. Or maybe he had a bottle and took a sip. I once had to fire a guy who would clock out for 10-minute breaks to get a stiff one from his vehicle. His "logic" was that since this wasn’t company-time it was OK. This reminds me of that.

I’m also guessing he was drunk when he damaged the rental. That’s why his emphasis was on changing the tire and getting away from where he wrecked it. Had the roadside assistance arrived they would note his condition and that could/would void the insurance (plus lead to criminal charges).

I’m guessing drugs more than anything. Possible he had a hooker, but honestly hiding all of the damage screams to be of being intoxicated and driving.

I’m also guessing he was drunk [or using drugs] when he damaged the rental. That’s why his emphasis was on changing the tire and getting away from where he wrecked it. Had the roadside assistance arrived they would note his condition and that could/would void the insurance (plus lead to criminal charges).

These are my feelings too. Especially as he has been fired from other jobs for things that happened on the clock - far more likely to be booze/drugs than some sex-epade.

If your friend was once battling alcoholism, then drugs... simply quitting drugs isn’t enough. He needs TOTAL sobriety. He can’t have an "occasional" beer. That is so common with self-treating addicts.

Sadly I too have had my fair share of dealing with addicts and Bigger's quote about rings very true to me. The occasional beer isn't sobriety. It's just inching your way back to full blown dependence (or a meager attempt at covering it up) and all that comes with it (and it usually doesn't take too long).

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 8:58 PM, Wednesday, July 31st]

I think y’all are correct, he was sent home Tuesday and had a meeting with HR. They are investigating the incident and among many questions they want to know why he didn’t use the company card to pay for his meal. They want to know why he chose a restaurant across town and not in the area of the hotel. They want the receipt from the restaurant and conveniently he no longer has it.

I can honestly say I have not been close to any alcoholics. I don’t know much about it other than seeing it from a distance. When they talk about his sobriety they are referring to hard drugs, alcohol was always secondary to his drug problem. He works maintenance on factory machinery, conveyor belt stuff so he is drug tested regularly. I think alcohol and habitual lying is his problem.

Thanks for all the replies, my W and I are concerned for this family.

My experience with addicts

They change when NOT giving up their addiction is worse than the withdrawal, or:

Smoking
Alcohol
Marijuana
Methamphetamine
Cocaine
and more -

Or they die

He was fired this morning.

Well if it is what most of us suspect - rock bottom is a different place for everyone. Maybe this is his - hopefully so as that seems to be what gets an addict to act, if they are ever going to.