SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi everyone
I’m here again as you are all so kind and there is always someone around to respond and send some words of reassurance and advice.
After I found out about my husbands latest unfaithfulness in April it felt that I had gone past the point of no return. However we have two kids and with his emotional instability (ADHD) I have had to really plan my exit.

I managed to get to the end of school term so the kids would be on summer holidays and I have had the conversation with him. The first couple of days he stayed in a hotel and then he came back to spend time with the kids and now he is just saying he can’t accept it’s over and he doesn’t want to be without me or the kids.

I have explained that I just can’t carry on anymore as there has been too many things and for me to heal I need to separate. He tells me he won’t go and stay with his dad temporarily, or sisters and he doesn’t want to stay in a house share.

It’s difficult to know what to do next. He is now very emotional and sometimes getting angry saying he doesn’t want me to ever be with anyone else and how could I throw it all away. It’s making me feel so sad as I wish I wasn’t in this situation. I wish it was a nightmare I could wake up from and still be with him but because so much has happened I feel that I just can’t carry on anymore with him. I would never trust him and I don’t feel he can really love me.

I am trying to protect the kids but feel we need to tell
Them
Soon to give them time over the summer to process things. He just keeps saying I’m not ready to tell the kids.

The other thing is I am struggling to cry and let out all the emotions. It feels that because I have blocked it up for all this time I can’t just cry and feel relief. I know I that I will need counselling again but just trying to get through each day at the moment.

It’s difficult to know what to do next. He is now very emotional and sometimes getting angry saying he doesn’t want me to ever be with anyone else and how could I throw it all away.

I'm very sorry you're having to deal with this.

YOU did not throw it all away, he did.

ADHD is no excuse for cheating. There is no excuse for cheating. He is now trying to love bomb you and guilt you into staying, but it does not sound like he's done any of the work to be a safe partner for you.

You can tell the kids yourself, something along the lines of "mommy and daddy are separating because dad had girlfriends and you aren't supposed to be with other people when you're married."

Do in house separation until you can get him to leave.

Separate finances, don't do any household chores for him or cooking for him.

Don't get into emotional discussions, just say you cheated too many times and I am not safe in this relationship, we are separating, then if he keeps wanting to talk about it or get angry walk away from him.

Try to make some area of your house just yours if you can. If he gets too angry call the police.

Don't let him try to love bomb you or guilt you into staying. He could have just, you know, not cheated.

I suggest gray rocking. As far as you are concerned he is not there. If you don’t need to talk to him don’t. Don’t cook for him, do laundry for him, don’t sleep in the same room. Consider yourself divorced and living with an additional piece of furniture. If he gets nothing out of you, including arguments and tears, and no long sighs, he might decide it is too hard to stay married to someone who acts like he is invisible. You are to be so dull and boring that you resemble a gray rock in the driveway. Be so dull you are completely forgettable. Let him take his angst somewhere else.

I would point out to him that he is the one that initiated separation. He did that when he chose to have multiple affairs. Nothing says "I'm not really married to you" like cheating. And yet, once you decide you won't put up with it anymore, they try to make separation your fault. Don't fall for it.

You are in charge of what you want. You have already been taking care of your family mostly on your own. And good job on planning this around making it the easiest possible for your kids. The transition will be surprisingly easy for you. I agree with the great advice to grey rock him and stop taking care of him like he's your husband. He's not, by his own choice, not yours. And he certainly isn't your kid, so stop doing anything for him.

Your kids will survive. They have you.

Thank you for your advice and support.
It’s been a difficult night this evening he has got drunk and keeps shouting and has called me names tonight and basically told me he isn’t going to move out and isn’t going to give up on us.

I just want him out now as he seems to have no care for protecting the kids from this. He is telling me he is not ready for the kids to know anything yet shouting and saying things that the kids could hear and upset them.

Just feels like a nightmare at the moment and just want to feel safe and peaceful again.

Have you spoken to a lawyer to find out how a divorce is going to look for you?

I'm sorry you're having to deal with his temper tantrum :(

Sorry that he's being such a manipulative jerk. His actions continue to show his selfishness in not respecting your boundaries. If he starts threatening and you don't feel safe, call 911.

Have you spoken with a lawyer about options and how to get him out of the house?

Two of my (now adult) sons have ADHD and they haven't cheated on partners. Your WH is using it as an excuse.

he is just saying he can’t accept it’s over and he doesn’t want to be without me or the kids.

He is now very emotional and sometimes getting angry saying he doesn’t want me to ever be with anyone else and how could I throw it all away.

It’s been a difficult night this evening he has got drunk and keeps shouting and has called me names tonight and basically told me he isn’t going to move out and isn’t going to give up on us.

I read your older posts. Their content, along with these lines above, clearly indicate a serious attempt at emotional control.

Do you have reason to fear for your safety?
Has he ever used or implied he will use physical force?
Do you feel unsafe? As in afraid of your life or health?

Some of his behaviors are known in the process from verbal control to physical control...

Consider this: If you feel threatened in any way or form then contact one of the several excellent domestic abuse hotlines in the UK. These services are not limited to battered women with black eyes and broken noses, but also to those wanting to exit a potentially violent (emotionally or physically) relationship. They can offer guidance regarding issues like:
Can you have him removed?
Can YOU leave with the kids?
Pro-bono solicitors to initialize the divorce.
Support in confronting him.
Hotline support with local police – just in case.

If nothing else, they can give you guidance on how to take the next steps.

Things moved on a lot today and it’s been the worse day so far. WH was speaking loudly this morning and wouldn’t stop and my son overheard some of what was said. I spoke to my son and he asked me are you and dad getting divorced. I then had to have the conversation there and then. My son who is autistic sees right through any lies and wants to know the concrete situation. I was so upset that WH would be so selfish and not contain things until it was the right time.
I told my two children (10&6) in simple terms that mum and dad aren’t getting on at the moment and we need to live apart at the moment so we can keep being good parents and both be happy. My WH was then angry at me for having the conversation there and then even though I felt I was left with no choice.

WH did calm down and did give the boys the reassurance they needed. He agreed to go and stay with his sister and we weee able to spend time together before he did that.

Tonight has just been so awful with both my boys getting upset and my 10year old asking why can’t dad stay. Why can’t you just live together and be friends so we can be a normal family. It breaks my heart and I fear that I haven’t told them enough to explain why it’s just not that simple. I don’t want to add extra pain to my children and their relationship with their dad. I feel like I am the one who has been abandoned and left despite it being my decision. I feel rejected as I don’t feel I was left with much choice after all the bad decisions he has made.

I’m hoping it’s just a shock and a lot to take in for the boys and in time they will adjust and see that their relationship with their dad will still be there.

Sorry you have been going through these tough times especially for you and your children. I have read your previous posts which detailed your WH’s previous infidelity in 2022. Your WH is very selfish and manipulative. He abuses your good nature and your commitment to your M and family to maintain the status quo that has you doing all of the work while he cheats. Enough. You are in an abusive situation.

You do understand that he was deliberately speaking loud enough for your children to hear him. He is trying to use your children to manipulate you into staying. That is so cruel to play on your young children’s emotions to use against you. You see he sees he is losing control over you and he will use a tactic to keep you under his control. Remember, you deserve better. You will be happier and freer separated and if you are happy, your children will see it. If you have any resources that helps abused partners please get help. He will manipulate you and play on your emotions as much as he can. Good luck.

Thank you for all your messages so far and I am starting to reflect on my WH behaviours and character and his ways are quite manipulative and very defensive despite what he has put me through. He doesn’t seem to be making any plans to go stay elsewhere. His sisters have both offered him their homes or his dads but he is now saying he thinks he should stay living at home until we sell!! He is also saying he wants 50/50 childcare split but he hasn’t ever done 50/50!! It feels
Like he is intent on hurting me and trying to make me change my mind.

I decided to book a few nights away with the boys as I needed to get the boys away as he is just a bit of a mess and doesn’t seem to care if it’s in front of the kids. He told me I was cruel for taking the kids away but its only a few nights.

Next week I’m planning to get some advice about my rights and the mortgage as I need to know how much I can afford and whether I can afford the mortgage on the house alone, fortunately I have been able to earn the same amount if not more than him and so I’m really hoping it will all work out.

I still feel so sad about the end of the relationship. Deep down I know I can’t continue anymore but I still feel that he has rejected me and he has left me as it’s not really a choice for me.. but I have had to end it.

Does anyone have any advice re when it gets a bit easier to cope with? I am planning to start seeing a counsellor again.

DARVO Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. He's going to deny and attack you while reversing things so that he's the victim. So sorry that he's being such a jerk and there's some manipulation going on there, so a level of abuse, too.

It does get better. It may get worse before it gets better, but it will get better. There have been some members whose WS fought every step of the way, and others whose WS parted easily.

(When I read what you wrote, I was imagining him looking like Baby Brent in the chicken suit from Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs.)

After I first got my own place, I was still in a rough spot. At about 10 months, I was at a stop sign humming along with the radio and patting the beat on my steering wheel. I realized that I was happy, and I hadn't been happy for soooo long that I almost didn't recognize it. I posted it as my New Beginning.