SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My husband and I have been together for 20 years, married 15 years. We both have thriving careers and his is partially thriving because I have supported him and his dreams through him trying to make it work by staying in stable jobs and not taking a chance myself. We have two gorgeous kids and beautiful home - a very happy family. Things have became a bit shaky after pandemic- he has changed drastically and in retrospect all of the signs were there - snappy, a lot of late outings, care about his appearance. I recently (4 mos) ago found that he has been having a 2 year affair with a junior colleague.

They are both very much in love - judging by some message they are apparently made for each other and are so lucky to have what they have as it is so rare.

When the affair first came out he said that our family unit was the most important thing for him. We went into marriage counselling and started to work through all of our issues - lack of sex, romance, communication, general busyness. We agreed that we will not make any decisions until we work through everything. He went NC with another woman. Suddenly, after 2 months of counselling he turned around and said that he made up his mind and he wants a divorce and not only that, he wants it as soon possible! I later found out that they were actually in contact and he has been lying to me and the counsellor.
We are currently on holiday on Greece and I am feeling sad and down. I really do not understand what happened to my kind, loving, family man of a husband - he got replaced by some abrupt and impulsive man who is only thinking about himself. I am also dreading to tell the kids and getting them to get to know the OW who is in my view has acted immorally as well. I am just so sad and broken and the idea of fighting for everything is filling me with dread.

I read a lot of posts on this website and was hopeful that we could reconcile and make our marriage stronger - we get on very well, but he clearly does not want to and after the way he behaved and lied and lied and acted in uncaring way towards his kids, I also have no desire to go that route.

Just looking for some support…we are due to discuss next steps after the holiday and just want to scream- "you f…. - you broke us, you broke the kids, you selfish fool!!!!"

you have been heard. This is why we don’t recommend MC initially- if the WS is not NC and the WS is not working on fixing themselves, then it just can’t work. Also, he cheated, the M didn’t cheat.

You will survive this. It’s gonna hurt- there is no getting around that. But you are going to be okay.

Read the pinned posts in the JFO forum and get to a lawyer right when you get home so you understand all your rights. Knowledge is power and will help you feel strong.

Hang in there.

Welcome to SI and so sorry you're here. Please read the pinned posts at the top of the forum. There are some that have bull's eye icons that have good information, too. The Healing Library is a link at the top of the page and is an excellent resource. Plus, the Healing Library has the list of acronyms we commonly use.

Please see your doctor if you have problems with anxiety, sleeping or depression. Some meds can help you through the initial phase. You may wish to be tested for STDs/STIs to make sure that something wasn't passed along to you.

Expect your emotions to be all over the place. We will sometimes mention the emotional roller coaster because you'll be fine one minute and angry as anything the next, or crying, etc.

If you can, IC (individual counseling) with a betrayal trauma specialist can be helpful.

It wasn't anything that you did or didn't do, said or didn't say, etc. He cheated because he has a moral integrity issue.

So sorry that this has happened.

Welcome here little sister...

I'm so sorry for what happened.

Your husband has been a complete asshole and he's expecting you to happily pick up all the pieces. Your job is to look out for yourself and to respect your needs and boundaries, and to be the best mother you can to your children. It is not to make things easy for him.

One thing that might not be apparent is that you don't have to decide if you want to save your marriage right now or if you want to leave it. That decision will come in time, when you're ready to make it. But you can take action to ensure that you are at your very best, no matter which path you walk.

1. Focus on your healing. Monitor your health, diet, exercise, and see both a counselor and a doctor if able. Read up on the 180 in the Healing Library (let us know if you need the links) as a way to take control of your life back into your own hands. Make sure you have a support network IRL, and try to get involved in some activities that you enjoy and do just for you. Do no plead or entertain your WH's games - he neither respects your nor your marriage and you will not play doormat to him. If he wants back into the marriage, he will have to earn his way in.

2. Protect yourself. He's wanting a divorce, so all you can do is to let him go. You can tell him that you would prefer to work on the marriage, but that as long as he's in contact with the OW or sleeping with other people, you have no desire yourself to stay in it. Consult a lawyer to find out your rights and look into the logistics of separating joint accounts, bills, joint assets, etc. (and although I say look into it, I highly encourage you to follow through as wayward partners have a habit of burning through funds or taking them all for themselves). Affairs and divorce ain't sunshine and rainbows - if he wants this he's going to have to deal with all the ugliness of that reality.

I have a feeling your WH will try to sit on the fence for as long as possible (even though he claims he wants to leave). This is how you kick the damned fence over. Not only will you take control of your life and leave him to deal with the reality he created, you present a strong call to action for him to potentially get his shit together by demonstrating what an amasing person you are and what a terrible place the affair is. It's a bit of a "carrot-and-the-stupid-stick" approach, but remember that you're ultimately doing it for yourself and your family.

I know how much this sucks. It's okay to be upset, angry, sad, scared, and confused. It's going to take time and effort to get through this. But you can do it. You just need to hang in there, stay strong, keep smart, and have a little faith in yourself. Focus on what you can control - your choices and making a commitment to move forward from this hellscape to a brighter future, one step at a time.

You're gonna be okay.

I am so sorry you are in this living hell. Sounds like a typical midlife crisis (MLC) and sadly you have been "replaced" for a newer shinier model so to speak.

I lived through when my H had his MLC affair and I was being kicked to the curb for a much younger drama Queen who was ready to take my place.

She thought she was going to become a step mom to my kids. And everyone thought (including my idiot cheating H) that it was going to be all happy and perfect 😡.

After 3 months and I got my wits about me I put a plan B into place. He may have been D me but I wasn’t leaving without leveling the playing field.

First I started my own social life with my friends without him. He wasn’t invited. Or welcomed. He would show up and I would be really annoyed. And I made it obvious.

Second I hoarded $. Just to protect myself.

Third I copied every financial document or statement we had. And stored it off site.

Fourth I scouted apartments for him. I planned to kick him out and was going to give him the "here’s your new home" address when I kicked him out.

Fifth I changed all the life insurance so he could not change me from being beneficiary. I became the policy holder and I controlled the beneficiary info.

And then at dday2 I told him I had no choice but I was D him. He never knew what hit him. I stopped being the victim and waiting around for him to decide what he wanted.

I finally decided what I wanted and it was to get away from a lying cheating spouse. He begged me to reconcile and I refused for months.

We have happily reconciled but I can tell you the dynamics have changed. And I no longer worry about him cheating and I no longer put up with any crap from him.

All because I was brave enough to kick him to the curb.

If your H is so in love 🤪😡 and prepared to D, you need to get an attorney and protect yourself.

If he can mistreat his kids to hell with him. I am so sick of people "finding their soul mate" and throwing away people who love them.
There is nothing special about him. Nothing. He is a garden variety cheater who had lost his mind.
You are scared and heartbroken and he doesn’t care. The gall of him lying to you. Why? What did he get out of it?
Please don’t hold out hope. He is riding on a high of nutty hormones. Can you tell I am furious on your behalf?
Please read 1stwife’s story again. Even if your dope moves on you need to be prepared financially. Get your ducks lined up asap.
But get to a dr for some meds for anxiety. You need to be able to eat and sleep.
Sending you a virtual hug.

Thank you all for all of your support and encouragement - I hope I can survive this - just so much trauma all around!

First - I'm so sorry you had to find us. As has been said over and over again, this is one of the best clubs you never wanted to join.

Second - at this juncture, you simply have no idea what your WS is going to do going forward. Where there definitely seems to be a cheater's handbook regarding how it all happens, right down to the soul mates and endless proclamations of love between a WS and AP, and the desire to leave etc, what happens after that is simply unscripted. As such, your WS may leave and never look back, he may beg for your return, or he may try to keep you in some form of emotional limbo for years. You simply cannot control your WS (or anyone else). What you do have control over is YOU. And that is what most of the focus of the advice you get here is going to be about.

Letting go of the outcome as far as your WS goes will help you focus on the things you can control, which are the most important things in the long run and really the short run too. I found that taking control of the things I could made me feel a tiny bit better. The mantra for a betrayed spouse really is akin to the serenity prayer:

find the serenity to accept the things you cannot change, the courage to change the things you can, and the wisdom to know the difference

My advice is to focus on the things you have some control over, and to take control over the things you can. That may be money, your living situation, your children's care/custody, your employment, your health, your friends and family or it may be some combination thereof. Make yourself PLAN A - this means come up with a plan for you going forward without your spouse that works. ***My financial advisor told me this is always what you should do as you never know what can happen in this life. What that also means is you SHOULD do this even if you and your spouse work things out - make a plan for you that makes it so you can take care of yourself and your children and start working on getting that plan into place.

The sooner you start doing that the closer to "you will be okay" you actually will be. I promise.

I want to echo everything Cooley2here said. It's exactly what I want to say to you. Take care of yourself first, and he is an ass.

There is a lot of good advice for you here. You need to protect your interests first because you are dealing with a fool that thinks he is in love. You don’t know the depths of his foolishness yet and what he is capable of doing.
Divide your efforts into taking care of the financial , emotional and social aspects of this marriage ending. You should grieve and process the end of a long telationship, but not at the cost of your well-being. . First wife has a good list of what’s needed.
Write down your plans . Make a list and work through it. I hope you have a good therapist on board.
TBH, there are no guarantees in life and we should all be prepared no matter what. Don’t show any emotions or interest in wanting to keep the marriage. You don’t want to give this fool the ego boost of having a woman pine over him while the other one is supposedly in love with him. He isn’t the prize, but you are.
All your interactions have to be very transactional from now on. Chin up, head held high and carry yourself with a lot of dignity and strength.

Life will go on for you and maybe be even better than before. You have seen the lows and are now well equipped to handle them. He meanwhile is on a lust filled high which will come crashing down sooner or later.