SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi. I dont know what or how to do this, so if i break any rules, please do let me know or take this down or whatever.

I found out in Oct 2023 that my wife was in a romantic affair with a co-worker. All the things that you can expect happened and more. Long story that I'll likely post some day to get out, but we tried Couples Therapy in Jan 2024. I found out April 29, 2024 that they were still talking, that she lied to me and our CT, and they moved the relationship from romantic to more sexual. Killed me. I called it right there.

Fast forward to today. We're still living in the same house cause she's drawn out mediation till now. We start in September. Im done with her. We have 2 small kids. 4 and 7. I am as cordial as I can be when around her. We do dinners with the kids during the week. I have my own bed room. She stays in her office on the pull out.

Today she came home from a business trip and i found her walking towards our house on our street coming the opposite direction with her luggage. Like she was dropped off by him a block away. Then, later tonight, my youngest shoved her phone in my face to show me the lock screen pic of my 4 and 7 y/o and there were 2 notification icons from him. confirms they're still together.

I don't want anything to do with this person anymore. Haven't since April and its clear to them. But this really hurts. I know im grieving. I've been in so much personal therapy its nutz. My therapist says i understand it all and can see the waves, etc. But it still hurts. as much as i understand it, things like this still rock me.

Im not surprised shes still with him. Not in the slightest. She doesn't have any self control. from her drinking to her spending, I understand how hurt she likely is to be able to ruin our family and his. When i told her i was done, he wsa still married with a teenager. But this sort of stuff kills me.

Her mom is supporting her like nothings wrong. so is her best friends. I know that I dont know the story they were told. I know that she has the capacity to lie to them too. and that they likely dont know that shes still seeing him. But they support her. Her mom comes around like nothings wrong. Im bothered by this as we were together for 21 years and her mom was like a mom to me.

I know im better off with out her in my life. i know her actions have no reflection on who i am a s a person. I know the things, BUT IT STILL HURTS. 21 years was a long time.

She also did something like this in 2005. All the signs were there that shes a hurt person who can hurt ppl. I should be happy im done with her. But my kids have her as a roll model, and she thinks shes not doing anything wrong. how can she still be with him? how can she live with herself? i know its likely the band aid shes using for feeling so shitty, but I'd never be able to live with myself. It feels like i never knew her.

Now, I feel like i just puked words onto this page. That im rambling. But this sucks. i know folks have it harder then me, but it feels like the hits keep coming. And i am really getting to the end of my nice guy rope.

I have targets ahead. Sept mediation. and Aug 2025 our mortgage is due so this house is gonna be owned by her or someone else. So just a year left. I can see the targets. just gotta get there to start healing more.

I believe everything happens for a reason. I believe karma can also plays a huge role. So maybe im supposed to be here to witness the downfall of when his wife finds out so I can protect/help my kids. Maybe im here to build up stronger. Maybe i bare witness to these things to help for closure. IDK, but its hard.

If ANYONE has any thoughts, words, help, im all ears. I have a great core group of friends that has really helped sink in how awful she is. they help me see that this is all her shittyness and this whole thins is for the best for me. They really tell it like it is. My therapist is great and reminds me to feel all the feelings. I dont run from any of this. Only way out is through.

BUT MAN! WHY? if i had energy I'd share the whole store about the multiple times i found out she was still talking to him. Share about how i helped her with her work after d day so she didnt loose her contract. I'd share about the last 4 years where i practically raised our kids solo so she could focus on school and her new business. Share how she never contributed to the household in any way. Share about how she took 2 solo trips to Europe last year. The person is not nice. Shes selfish and she is really an awful friend and partner. If anyone's got words that could help, im all ears!

I want to apologies if how I've shared isn't appropriate or the spelling is bad. I think im just in a bit of a weird not crisis, but crisis part of my day due to what's gone on, and i've decided to write here rather then in my journal in hopes that it helps more. I've been looking for a group to turn to for support cause my friends just dont get it. theyre great, but im hoping to find some support from ppl who understand and have been through this.

[This message edited by DadOfTwoAmazingGirls at 2:18 AM, Thursday, August 15th]

Welcome to SI. I'm sorry that you have reason to be here, but I'm glad you found us.

Stop being nice to someone who is actively hurting you. Stop playing happy family with her. Stop sitting at her table of lies. Stop letting her run your show. There's so much power in taking charge and not letting her use you anymore.

So maybe im supposed to be here to witness the downfall of when his wife finds out so I can protect/help my kids.

Tell the wife. She deserves to know. Pull the curtain back and expose them. Don't let your wife use you to maintain the status quo while she sorts out whatever she has going on with him. Blow up their little romance.

Share about how she took 2 solo trips to Europe last year.

You sure those trips were solo? Gather the receipts now, before you blow anything up. If she spent your household's money to conduct her affair, you might be able to get that back.

I’m so sorry that you have to be here, DOTAG, but as we often say here: this is the best group that no one ever wanted to join.

Everyone here understands EXACTLY how horrible what you’re living is. You are living in trauma. For most of us, this is the absolute worst pain and challenge of our lives.

Your wife is just a garden-variety WS (wayward spouse). Yes, she’s selfish, self-centered, and devastatingly harmful to you and her children. She’s a liar. And you are right, she’s broken and avoiding facing herself and the harm she’s doing.

It sounds like you’ve got good IRL (in real life) support from friends and a good counselor. That is really critical and will help a lot. This site can really provide so much practical and emotional support too because everyone here really understands how horrible this is. Anyone who hasn’t gone through this just can’t completely get it.

So welcome. There are a lot of resources in the Healing Library and pinned posts in the Forums. We usually advise new arrivals to take care of yourself and your kids above all. That includes taking care of your health, physical, mental and emotional. That can be really challenging when you’re still living with an active betrayer. There are just no words for the mind-fuck of living with an unremorseful cheater and enduring the effects on your kids, yourself and your family.

I wasn’t clear on whether or not the AP (affair partner) and his wife are still together, but you said that she doesn’t know about the A yet. If not, many here, me included, will advise you that his wife has a right to know. She has a right to protect herself from STDs (because yes, often cheaters stay sexually involved with both their spouse and their AP no matter how much they’re telling their AP that they’re in lurve with them.) and the right to protect herself and her family from destruction. He may be moving financial assets, running up credit bills, and working against her preparing for divorce without her knowledge. Please consider telling her. Would you want to know if she had found out first? She has a right to know what you know.

Others will be along with great support and thoughts. Some of it will resonate with you and some of it may seem harsh but everyone here has been through this devastation and wants to help. We have a saying here: take what you need and leave the rest.

Surviving this is a long, hard road. This is a great place to share the load and get support. I’m sorry that you have to be here but glad you found us.

I’m so sorry for you and your children. I feel your pain and remember how hard it was during those early days.

Your wife is very broken in many ways. I think you see it and know it. Maybe for too long you have tried to help her and protect her. Clearly you love her. But it’s just not enough.

She doesn’t have the ability to stop her vices or addictions. You know it’s true b/c of her history. Once you understand her bad choices and lying and cheating have nothing to do with you, you may heal from this ( though it is a slow process).

But you recognize that she’s just going to continue the same patterns. The why doesn’t really matter — it’s enough to know she’s got issues that require years of professional help.

Be there for your kids. They need your stability.

Welcome to SI and I'm sorry you're hurting. It takes time to heal from infidelity. If you haven't already done so, there are some posts pinned to the top of the JFO (Just Found Out) Forum that we encourage new members to read. The Healing Library is a great resource and includes the list of acronyms we use.

i know folks have it harder then me, but it feels like the hits keep coming

You're minimizing your pain. Don't do that - you want to make sure that you recognize your pain because it will eventually help you to process through. For me, it took about 2 years for the pain to not be so excruciating and 3 before I felt like I was healing and getting better.

There is no justice in infidelity. And I agree with SacredSoul33. Treat her like a roommate that you don't like. And please tell the OBS (other betrayed spouse) because she deserves to know.

Just wanna say thanks to all that have chimed in and for the welcome.

I hear everyone's thoughts on telling the OBS, but I cant nuke my kids mom. There are a bunch of factors why its beneficial for me to not do that, and I know it will happen naturally. Happy to share my thoughts here if folks want to understand better.

I compare my situation knowing the OBS's reality as walking by someone's house where the ground floor is on fire, but you see them in the second level window with the light on and not knowing about the fire. Only a shitty, person would walk by and not help. Its like seeing a animal or baby in a locked car with the windows up on a hot day an not doing anything. I know Im that person right now. I know the possibilities that can hurt that other person, and I know I would have liked to know if I was in their shoes. But everyone from my Therapist to Lawyer to friends say not to reach out and its none of my business. I do know that if they were to reach out now, then I will open the flood gates of info to share. I feel like I keep her secret for her, but I've shared with all my friends and family, and would if any of her side ask. They get her side of the story from her. About how shes been unhappy and that an affair is just a symptom of a sick marriage, not the cause of it. How she didnt know what she was missing until she had feelings for him. I'm fine with being the bad guy in her story. My world knows who I am and what happened, and i try to let the rest slip away cause anyone that would believe anything she says after finding out shes a cheater doesn't understand what it takes to be one. I cant align with anyone that sides with her in any way. Its the only reason i dont tell my kids friends parents. I don't want my kids to loose out on their friends when they're with their mom.

Thanks folks! I look forward to reading and posting and hopefully responding and helping!

Love and happiness to all!

I cannot give legal advice but I truly hope you reconsider telling OBS.

Have you tried having a talk with STBX-WW's mom? You may or may not be dealing with someone who believes their child is "always" right even when they are not. I do find it hard to imagine that STBX-WW's mom can be OK with WW ruining her (evil shrew-Lady's mother's) granddaughters' childhood this way though.

Stay strong Friend and get yourself away from the evil shrew-Lady as fast as you can!

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 6:46 PM, Thursday, August 15th]

"Everyone here understands EXACTLY how horrible what you’re living is. You are living in trauma. For most of us, this is the absolute worst pain and challenge of our lives.

Your wife is just a garden-variety WS (wayward spouse). Yes, she’s selfish, self-centered, and devastatingly harmful to you and her children. "

I am very sorry you are having to be a part
Of this forum. No one deserves to be cheated on and lied to.

If my marriage was broken I personally would have worked on my part of it. The problem is while I was not 100 percent perfect (who is), exwh did not leave a lot for me to work on. I became aware that exwh had sex with at least one ap not even 5 years into the marriage. That’s just the ap I know of. Then there was the DD that caused the divorce. How do you build a good marriage on that? On what?
I came from a family that had family rules where just didn’t cheat on our spouses and we had their backs so I was blindsided and clueless when I found out probably a decade after that incident happened. and in retrospect that might not have even been his first actual incident of cheating.

I am wishing you much healing and am very sorry this happened to you.

Ps EXWH’s family was a den of cheaters so stupid nice me got blindsided by how nasty they were to me about the affair too. They went right into victim blaming and helping hide assets. Everyone may have different experiences but his family was 100 percent team wh. My family would have disowned me and helped him if I cheated.

Edited for typos oops

[This message edited by Shehawk at 6:43 PM, Thursday, August 15th]

I'm so very sorry you're here. It sounds like you have been through absolute hell. This is trauma and you're in the thick of it. It sounds like you are doing all of the things to get yourself in a better place. Therapy is key. Friends and family support is invaluable. Keep that up.

I agree with the advice to detach more from your wife. You can be a great Dad without playing house with the woman who has stabbed you repeatedly in the back. Perhaps work out a dinner schedule that allows each of you time with the kids. Ditto for any weekend activities. I promise you, the less time you spend with your wife (super hard whilst still living together) the better you will feel. She is the poison bottle you unfortunately still have contact with which impedes your healing. As little time in her presence as possible.

I agree with your decision to not engage her family and friends. Nothing can be gained from it. Those who love you know the truth. Tit for tat, he said, she said gets you NOWHERE except into more drama. You don't need that. Your kids don't need that. Let others think what they will. Soon enough, they won't be a part of your life much anyway.

If your attorney said not to tell OBS then don't. We aren't lawyers here and those that are, are very careful to never give legal advice. Listen to the expert you are paying.

So detach. Keep up your therapy and spending time with people who love and support you. Practice radical self care whether that means hitting the gym, indulging in your favorite hobbies or allowing yourself rest and peace whenever you can find it. Your body and mind need to heal. Feed it with what feels good. Feed it often.

This will get better as much as that seems impossible to believe.

Welcome to SI. Very sorry you are going through this hell, but the good news is you and your children will get through it. Do read in the healing library. You are moving toward your D and getting out of infidelity. Do use this time to focus on your children and your own health. Take care of you. Get out with friends, exercise, pursue your interests. Always value yourself. Remember you are the prize. Your WW’s cheating has nothing to do with you. Nothing you did or didn’t do in your M caused her to cheat. She cheated because she did not honor her wedding vows. Her reasons for cheating go to her own lack of integrity and propensity to cheat. As you consider how pathetic her excuse is for cheating, recognize that at this time she is not worth worrying about. Do not argue or engage with her. Go gray rock and only cmmunicate, preferably in writing, over child and financial issues. You will have to coparent, but being civil is sufficient. Good luck.

I too am sorry you are here - and while I'm sure there is someone out there in the world who has it "worse" than you, it really doesn't matter. Awful is awful and you are living awful right now. It's okay to feel that way.

I did want to add something to the not telling the other spouse issue. I am a lawyer, and I am not surprised that your attorney would advise you not to say anything. I would have done the same prior to living through the A without giving it a second thought. I was of the "why can't people get over this shit faster camp" prior to the A - live and learn. Now, as a BS I would say something like this: telling the OBS may create more mess in your life, and your WS may fight harder (aka try to obtain a better deal) if you do decide to reach out. That being said, I understand the emotional toll it takes of holding that info in and that you may feel it isn't right to not tell the OBS as you would want to know. I get that - just go into it knowing things may be more difficult as a result. So, while this is not legal advice and I am only guessing, I suspect your counsel's advice about not telling is simply because they think it will just create more mess for you. If there is some other more legally defined reason, so be it (and you certainly do not have to say).

I guess I just didn't care after awhile how bat-shit crazy my WH went if I told (as it turns out his bark was FAR worse than his bite on that issue - he caved and accepted that reality quite easily). When I finally got around to telling the OBS he was grateful to me for doing so - and I wished I had done it long before. Ultimately, IDK your reasons for not telling but when you fast forward 5 years you may find they aren't really as good as you think. My story and my reasons for not telling for over a year follow this - read on (or don't) as you please. I like context - some people don't need it....

-------

My WH had a workplace A with a married co-worker. And both the AP and her husband (the "OBS" - other betrayed spouse) worked with my WH. And my WH was good friends with the OBS and knew him long before AP came to work with them. OBS and AP met through work (she worked at another location) and married several years later. WH was IN their wedding as a groomsman. The place where all 3 of them work is a high security clearance position. Very high. They know things (and do things) that can get people (like regular people like you and me) killed (easily) if they don't focus on their jobs 100%. Honestly its a super-weird governmental job and there are a lot of rules and regulations about their performance inside and outside of work. As such, things like romantic relationships at the workplace outside of married couples, are forbidden (and honestly I'm surprised they allow that). It's not just about relationships - if someone is using drugs, abusing alcohol, taking prescription meds that are not approved, or has medical conditions that have not been disclosed - those too are problems. AND, everyone with is job is supposed to notify management of any romantic (or any of these other types of goings on) otherwise they are considered complicit in the actions and their own job is subject to suspension/termination. Management has actually suspended several people for not notifying/covering up a known medical problem of a co-worker in recent years. The threat isn't just a threat - it's real.

With that context, I too did not want to "nuke" my WH's employment situation AND I certainly did not want to put the OBS is the position of having to expose his wife/the AP and my WH's workplace affair, putting their jobs in jeopardy, or telling him and him having to keep that secret, putting his own job in jeopardy. So at d-day 1 I did nothing on that end. Fast forward another year at d-day 2 (A went underground - WH and AP were still going strong, just pretending they were not as opposed to your WS's more overt display) I found out and in the heat of the moment I told my WH he had two choices - either he could call the OBS and tell him or I was going to and he had 10 minutes to decide. He chose me (because he was a total coward) and in the moment I sent him a message that I knew the AP could not intercept (AP was off and OBS was on an overnight shift - and as I had WH's phone he had no chance to warn her and no change for her to try to delete the message). So after 1 year of keeping it to myself I let the cat out of the bag and let OBS make the decision of whether or not to say anything to her or their work. OBS was grateful as he already had caught her like 9 months earlier and she said it was a one time deal and lied about it etc...and he had felt guilty for not telling me. I too admitted that I had felt guilty because knowing and not telling him made me complicit in their lies - something I did not want to do any longer.

OBS had questions, some of which I had answers to. The lies were astounding on both sides. We talked numerous times and the truth he learned from me set the course of their marriage on a different trajectory - a more informed one - they (or OBS) tried to work things out but they divorced in 2021. OBS eventually did notify the workplace and sanctions were handed down to my WH and to OBS (yep, OBS had to suffer more) but AP actually got a medical condition taking her off position prior to that so I'm not sure what sanctions she suffered if any. However, I think the biggest sanction for my WH was not the one his workplace gave him but instead was the aftermath of how people at work treated my WH from then out out. People were disgusted with him - the OBS was (and is) very highly regarded at their work and people were horrified with my WH's behavior - some even said something to him about it straight up. I also thought this would happen before I said anything to OBS - their workplace is like an insanely stressful highly paid high school, replete with lockers and everything. The gossip there is insanely brutal.

All of this - the sanctions, his becoming something of a workplace pariah - it crushed him. But it was his rock bottom of sorts - the perpetual straw that caused him to want to take a closer look at himself to see how and why he was a person who could do this. It changed everything for him - and from a work avenue it certainly made things worse, at least initially. From a 5 years out perspective, it NEEDED to happen for me, for my WH and for the OBS. I don't regret telling him - I just wish I had stopped trying to protect my WH sooner and trying control the outcome of his (and AP's) decisions sooner by taking that choice away from the OBS.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 10:05 PM, Thursday, August 15th]

Im done with her. We have 2 small kids. 4 and 7. I am as cordial as I can be when around her. We do dinners with the kids during the week. I have my own bed room. She stays in her office on the pull out.

If you're done, you're done. Best suggestion I have is to rip the bandaid off. Tell the kids you are separating. Personally, I'd tell them mommy has a boyfriend and you can't do and stay married.

Set up a 50/50 schedule on who has the kids and end the charade now. On your days without, be somewhere else. Don't include your stbx in your plans on the days you have the kids. Bonus points if you can get take them someplace away from her. Let everyone start getting ready for the new normal that your family's life will become.

Your kids already know that somethings wrong. Giving them clarity sooner on where you're headed will be a net positive. By all means remain as civil as you can with the STBX, but don't include her in your life as anything other than a co-parent. She's already made her choice, she just doesn't want to deal with the mess she's made of her and her family's life. It's a hell of a path that she's put you all on, don't make it worse by allowing her to dally until it's more convenient for her. Getting to the other side as soon as possible is the best you can do for you and your kids.

So detach. Keep up your therapy and spending time with people who love and support you. Practice radical self care whether that means hitting the gym, indulging in your favorite hobbies or allowing yourself rest and peace whenever you can find it. Your body and mind need to heal. Feed it with what feels good. Feed it often.

This is basically what I was going to write.

I also found the books "when things fall apart" by Pema Chadron and "the power of now" by Eckhardt Tolle very comforting in my times of struggle.

You will find your energy is best spent starting to reimagine your life. It’s hard to have much energy right now but the more you can pour into yourself and finding a direction in this storm the better you will start to feel. It’s not easy.

It looks like you're handling the logical and practical aspects of recovery pretty well, but being betrayed is an emotional bomb.

You're in emotional pain, and my reco is to address it head on. Face your anger, grief, fear, shame, whatever. Let it course through your body, because that's how it gets released. A good therapist can help you find and process the pain. It's not a pretty process, and it'll go on longer than you think it should, but it frees you from your pain.

I'm very sorry you're going through this. I'm very sorry for your kids. Kids deserve 2 healthy parents, but one is way better than none, and you look like you're doing your part. That bodes well for their futures and yours.

I know I would have liked to know if I was in their shoes.

Do what is best for you and your family, but consider the price that the other person may pay for not knowing.

I spent over nine years, dealing with ghosts in my marriage that I could not see, a spouse that was struggling with the damage of the betrayal that she had engaged in. The consequences of lies layered upon lies, layered up on more lies. It affected every single part of our relationship. It affected our children. It affected our decision-making about work, home plans, family activities, etc.

The OBS knew, but did not tell me, some "friends" knew but said nothing.

I almost divorced my wife and left my family because I had become convinced that "the problem was me".

That was when my wife confessed.