SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi,
My WH had a planned ONS at a cosy rental cottage in an area of our county which I love, and which we often enjoyed as a couple and family. (Ouch) This was a few months ago.
I would say that R is going very well in lots of ways, given that it is very very early days, and that my WH has a number of individual and big issues he needs to work through.
However, family friends have invited us away for a get-together in exactly the area WH met up for sex (I know the exact holiday cottage).
I am in several minds about what to do. I know I will be triggered by going to this area, as we have to drive past the signs to the place. However, I also feel that I do not want such a beautiful place tarnished and off-limits to me because of a something I didn't do and something so selfish. I feel that if I don't go, the infidelity will have won and 'conquered' a place I love. It is also a chance for WH and me to have a nice time!

Does anyone have any suggestions about what is best to do? Should I face the trigger and get it over with, or avoid it at this stage but perhaps feel defeated by it in the long run? I can't really predict how I might react, and our friends don't know about the infidelity.
Many thanks!

Hi,

You are not alone in this decision making. But you have every right to choose what is best for your well being at this time. You have your husband..

Is it possible to talk, explain etc. with your husband, regarding your several minds about this trip? And based on your conversations, make your decision for your well being.. it just may not be the right time yet for you.

The one suggestion I have is asking your husband what he thinks about this trip and your several minds, and see how you can support one another regardless of what decision you make.

Wishing you the best.

My vote is to go, enjoy your friends, and reclaim the place you love. I would make sure that WH knows ahead of time that there will be big triggers and that you expect his support. If you get overwhelmed, it's his job to be your wingman.

I agree. A lot of A-related places are trivial, and there's no need IMO to work to retrieve them. Places one loves, though, are worth the effort, again IMO..

Does anyone have any suggestions about what is best to do?

GO!!! That is MY suggestion . It may not be the best for everyone...but for ME...it was truly the BEST thing I ever did!

I do want to add that my H had his A while working overseas so unfortunately I have not been able to go to any particular place to conquer the triggers. There were still PLENTY of triggers though for me to get through.

I had written on here about how I faced the triggers...which were mostly dates and things that they did. One BW read my post and decided she wanted to face a trigger that she had...which was a certain place where her WH and the adultery co-conspirator met up. Her and her WH went to this place and they sat at the same table. The BW sat in the SAME SPOT that the adultery co-conspirator sat in. She looked around the place...observing what the adultery co-conspirator would have observed sitting in that spot. She said that it wasn't nearly as traumatizing as what she had envisioned it would be in her mind . She BEAT that trigger...she took that place BACK...and like I always say...she OWNED that trigger .

Once I OWNED a trigger...I found that owning other triggers got to be easier . There IS a reason that saying has stuck...because the longer it takes to get back on that horse...the harder it is to combat the mental images your mind has made up about it. Our THOUGHTS dictate our FEELINGS...so give your THOUGHTS some positive FEELINGS about that area again .

Make some GREAT memories in that area WITH your WH Dear Lady...and you will be able to combat any BAD memories that this area will bring in your head...THAT I can PROMISE you .

Planned ONS at a rental cottage?

I find this highly dubious. This probably wasn't their first and perhaps not their last rodeo.

A ONS typically is something that develops rapidly over the course of some activity like a conference, or after work happy hour, or something like this.

"Lets rent a cottage and sleep together just this once" is a wild concept.

I don't know if the R board is right for you yet, and suggest you are more likely than not still experiencing trickle truth.

Ignoring the issue feels more like rugsweeping and less like conquering to me.

My $0.02.

I would go if you want to reclaim for yourself. These WS's don't seem to do anything original. They take APs to same places they take the BS. It's pathetic! But you could make new memories there of your own I would try to reclaim and do new things there you have not done before.

you are more likely than not still experiencing trickle truth.

I'm inclined to agree, and suggested on OP's other thread that a polygraph is in order. There are some really easy questions that could be asked to get at whether or not he's telling the truth about this actually being a ONS, whether he truly doesn't know how to find AP, and whether or not he's cheated with others.

Here is my two cents, which won't even buy you a coffee.

I do not want such a beautiful place tarnished and off-limits to me because of a something I didn't do

I agree with this sentiment 100%. When my wife had her affair, she tarnished a lot, special places and things.

Not for me. We still have our mattress if it bothers her that is her problem. It was our first mattress, our kids slept on it, etc.

I don't avoid any of the places, etc. It was our home, it was our bedroom, it was our shop, it was where we took our first walk together, it was where we used to walk with our children and dogs, and so on. My wife avoids these places because she still has trouble dealing with what she did.

Should I face the trigger and get it over with, or avoid it at this stage but perhaps feel defeated by it in the long run?

That's what I did, your mileage may be, but if I was going to avoid them, I would have to sell my home that we built together, which is currently rented out, I would have to sell the current home that we live in, and I'd have to leave the county because they were everywhere together.

Do what works for you, when it works for you.

Thanks to all of you who have given me advice and time. It is so appreciated.

I find this highly dubious. This probably wasn't their first and perhaps not their last rodeo.

A ONS typically is something that develops rapidly over the course of some activity like a conference, or after work happy hour, or something like this.

"Lets rent a cottage and sleep together just this once" is a wild concept.

This wasn't really a ONS, but I am not really sure how to describe what I know of it - there is probably a better acronym. WH decided he wanted to sleep with someone (s) else, having had limited experience as an unmarried man and as I was clearly too boring; he was full of contempt for me and selfish entitlement and decided to look for someone in the same position who wanted a NSA meet up on a cheating website. So, they communicated by private message for a few weeks and then he booked the cottage for their meet up. However, I went through his phone (never knew I was so techi!), found all the apps, chats with other potentials, Air BNB booking, STD clinic messages [that was actually the first thing I found - bit of a whammy, especially as he hadn't turned up for his appointment], Navigation apps - you name it, before I asked him anything. I am pretty sure that after the initial trickle truth, I know that his timeline accords with what he has said; especially since he read 'How to Heal' and stopped kidding himself that he wanted to protect me, not himself, from the truth. I don't kid myself that I know everything at all, but I am pretty sure this was just a one-time meet up. He was trying to have 'just sex' to keep the compartmentalisation clear. He noticeably looked like crud the next day and his behaviour changed, which suggests that this was just a one-time thing.

I am also now trying to work out how much more I want to dig - as you all know, the desire comes in waves.

I told my WH about my feelings about going past the location, and he said he would hold my hand. To be honest, I think he hadn't even thought of the route we would take, and seemed a bit horrified himself once I pointed it out. However, I have also decided I am going to go and 'reclaim' that space. I will be resentful and feel I have lost even more otherwise.

Thanks so much.

My wife works at a school and the guy she was sexting works there as well. Every damn time I have to go the school I can feel the anger resentment sadness etc creeping in. Every damn time I wonder if we will run into him. TBH I dread going there

I was planning to surprise my wife with a picnic on the lawn at the school once the kids were out for the summer. I was going to just show up at her lunchtime.

That will never happen now. I have little desire to plan things like that now. IMO I had her on a pedestal and I will never make that mistake again

Hi, just an update and another ‘thank you’ for your time and sharing your thoughts.
Well, we did the trip. WH held my hand and for the rest of the trip we had a good time. The place was more beautiful than ever. Feeling proud of both of us, as I think it was harder for him than me, oddly.
Thanks again.

GOOD FOR Y'ALL !!! I am so HAPPY it went well for you both .

Want2Bhappyagain, i know you don’t accept direct messages, but I wanted to say that your posts and advice are always so positive and yet also useful. Thank you.

Panopticon72...I very much accept and appreciate the direct messages . But if my profile says I don't accept direct messages then PLEASE mods...check on this!!

I am not sure if you are able to send messages though until you have posted a certain amount of posts yet. It has been a while though...so I am not sure if that is the case or not. Thank you though for your kind words !

ETA: I just checked and it shows that neither you nor I can accept private messages! I will ask a mod about this .

[This message edited by Want2BHappyAgain at 3:26 PM, Thursday, August 29th]

"New Members" can't send/receive DMs. Need to pump up your post count. You've got rookie numbers.

This0is0Fine...thanks for that...it has been so long and I am so OLD...I wasn't sure !! I also learned that I apparently haven't signed off in a while on here. So I signed out...then signed back on...and voila...my private messages part is back ON again .

So if anyone wants to PM me...I am ready...willing...and able to get them now !!

ETA: The private message link is grayed out again...bummer .

[This message edited by Want2BHappyAgain at 12:52 AM, Friday, August 30th]