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I’m 10 months out and things have gotten a lot better in some ways. My H is doing all the right things (now). He is the most patient , loving , kind, father and husband I have ever seen. In the back of my mind I can’t help but ask him sometimes " is that because you had your fun and now your back?" Some days I feel so freaking dumb for even sitting here entertaining the idea of taking him back after he slept with someone else for 6 months, that’s a long ass time in my opinion.

I know that I teeter totter on the idea of reconciliation and most days I really think we can make this work, he’s shown so much effort and trust building steps these past 6 months I don’t doubt he truly would do anything to keep us , even if it meant cutting off his own arm.

With that being said , at the end of the night I despise my H, I mean I shut the door and I literally want to be left alone, I am realizing I’m a big introvert and maybe that’s part of it but the other part of me thinks it’s because I just don’t like him. During the day I’m ok to text here and there and sometimes I send him provocative photos or I just ignore him all day because I’m protecting my peace. By the time he gets home and I see his face I just am not I’m the mood for sex as much as I used to be (hysterical bonding slowly coming to and end) We have dinner we talk about our day but sometimes I look at him and think, that’s it . I think You’ve had enough time with him , it’s time to go be alone with the kids or read a book and I do. He never gets mad now , sad , or disappointed, probably but he lets me have my space and he does his thing. I go from loving him so hard to loathing him the next 10 mins and it usually stays that way for the rest of the day. He makes comments like " it’s so hot outside how many 90 degree days are we going to have?"
I want to respond "don’t you remember last August when you were bending her over in the woods, how hot it was!" But I don’t. I have so many come backs (I’m witty) :laugh I just don’t say them anymore , 5 months ago I wouldn’t have hesitated or held back. Now when I say them I see the pain in his face and it leaves me feeling like crap so I think them and move on.

With all that being said, all of you that are reconciling or trying to , what’s an average day look like? How much you time do you get? Family time? Couples time? How do you cope?

I’ve been back to the library and really finding my pasions and I really enjoy that me
Time and I don’t even feel bad about it but sometimes I feel like when he walks in the door I wish he wouldn’t.
Before I found out about his A, I always wanted to know what he was doing , where he was, and I didn’t want him to have fun because I found no value in him as a husband or provider (I told him my logic then) now I just don’t care. Part because I enjoy my peace , part because I feel safer with him because of the changes he’s made, part because I feel it heals me.

What are your thoughts?

Hey Groot!!!

Let me start by saying I agree with you that 6 months is a very long time and he is one lucky SOB to have you even consider him taking him back.

So for the last few months life has gone back to being pretty normal but definitely have more couple and family time. Don’t get me wrong I still have bad days but for the most it has been ok, actually really good if I’m honest.

But this last week has been a huge struggle (you can see that in my number of posts 😂). I’m not far off D-Day 1st anniversary and right in the middle of what i have called ‘Affair Month’.

For whatever reason this last week I could not stand to be around my WH except for doing things for the kids. I have been so busy with extra things for the kids etc and it’s bringing back memories of last year, of all the extra shit I was doing while WH was having a great time having an affair behind my back.

WH knew I was struggling but was patient and checking in on me all the time etc etc. I just kept pushing him away! The other morning he said ‘I just want a hug’ and I said ‘Well that is unlucky. I probably needed one this time last year but you were too busy sexting and fucking your girlfriend’. I know it hurt him and I felt pretty bad about it.

But then yesterday I had a great day! I volunteered at a triathlon event (it was so much fun), then we worked together renovating our sons room for his upcoming birthday, then went and watched our son play soccer and had a family movie night. And I just forgot. For that day I forgot about the A and I just enjoyed the whole day and on our way home from soccer I just held his hand.

I guess to answer your question my average day is uneventful BUT there is always a day or two I have emotions I dont expect. Fingers crossed 🤞🏻 year 2 is easier than this first one.

I'm heading into affair season no 2 as we speak. We're about a week out from the first time OW kissed him at an office party (he claims it came out of the blue and he was completely shocked, though I have a hard time trusting that) which then intrigued him and kicked off their A eventually. 21 months out from DD.

I believe I am in the POLF and have been for more than 6 months now I'd say. Year 1 was filled with so much pain, anguish, and I was an utter mess in every way barely getting by. But there was HB that kept me feeling close to him and I still had hope. Hope for our future, hope for change in him on a deep level, hope that our love would somehow survive. I still felt the love although it was severely tainted by the pain I was in.
These days I'm mostly just feeling meh. And sad. Sad for myself, sad that I no loger feel the love although things are sort of ok between us. The passion of HB is gone, and so is in some ways my hope. I no longer hope for the possibility of Marriage 2.0 becoming better than the first one, just different, tainted and sort of ok but nothing more than that. I miss my feelings. It's more for me than for the relationship I feel sadness that my feelings for us, him are different now. It's that loss of the specialness that meant so much to me and was such a big part of my love for him and us. Now I just view him as this severely flawed human that I've spent more than half my life with and I question whether I would do it all again had I known who he was/turned out to be?

We have spent a lot of time together (more than in years) since DD but lately I've started withdrawing more as I feel so much disappointment in how our life turned out. I used to have huge emotional swings between feeling loving towards him and wanting to cling to him and just hate and disgust. These days I just feel less in all directions. Less anger, less disgust, less desperation and pain but also less closeness and love when we are together. I don't know how to get out of the POLF. It might turn out to be the death of us if I don't manage to over time get out of it because I'm a big feelings kinda person and so I couldn't even live my life in a relationship that felt just meh and nothing more.

I am about 4.5 months out from learning that my wife was sexting with a 40-year-old married coworker (I am 53, married 20 years, together 27)

Once I let go of the "What is wrong with me, what did I do wrong, what didn't I do, why am I not enough" thoughts and accepted that I can only control what I do in our relationship I started to get better

Most days I am fine, other days I feel the anger pain sadness.

My wife has been acting like she truly treasures our marriage, finally listens AND HEARS me when I say something, sex ramped up to Level 10, doesn't put up walls or shut down conversations with her arms folded across her chest, sends me heart texts and "thinking about you" texts, and I'm thinking "where was all of this enthusiasm and desire and commitment months/years ago?"

There are days I have little desire to stay married, other days I do but knowing that the naive innocence of believing that she would never break my trust is forever gone drags me down. That innocence can never return

[This message edited by WB1340 at 3:17 PM, Sunday, August 25th]

The choice to R or D is something that lingers in my head daily. I don’t feel that I’m personally decided on R or D , but rather just stuck in a state of limbo (or POLF?). I’ve been riding this limbo train long before the A ever happened, so fortunately (unfortunately, sadly) I’m used to feeling empty and void - almost feels like I’m in a "trance like" state where I just can’t move (I’m stuck and can’t get unstuck).

I’m trying (some days more than others) to work towards more of a consistent R status because it’s what my WH wants more than anything (I don’t want to D, but can’t commit to R - even though I want too) … it’s just so HARD and it sucks. I feel this constant need to punish him and throw those daily reminders his way about what he’s done to destroy his marriage, his family, his own sense of self, my sense of safety and security (and the list continues).

I’m kinda quiet around him. I don’t really engage much in conversation with him during the day while he’s at work and I still want/expect my space when he’s home. He’s trying so hard to be the best, most attentive husband, but it’s hard for me to be the best wife when I don’t feel much like a wife - then again I didn’t feel much like his wife before his A anyway 🤷🏻‍♀️ Ugh. There is an abundance of pre A and post A messiness on my journey which I think will prolong healing as there was already a lot of hurt, resentment and disgust.

I really want nothing more than to have a strong, healthy and happy M … but I keep having thoughts creep up into my head and don’t allow much good with him to happen (still very much in protective mode). Sometimes we have nice nights and moments, but I don’t allow them to go on for very long before the comments and disgust spew out of me.

Since the A we have done more things together as a family because we want our kids to have loving and fond memories of their childhood. We have made more of an effort this summer to create happy memories for them. While I believe the kids have had a fun summer, my mind was constantly like, "I can’t believe you were having an A this time last year" … so these memories made (for me anyway) are kinda bitter sweet.

One thing that gives me some comfort or how I can cope better with everything is knowing that if I EVER find myself in another A situation OR I find out something big he’s withheld from me I will happily D and have zero regrets with that decision. Right now it’s so so hard because he’s gotten his wake up call and he’s done a complete 180 - this is something I’ve always prayed for and wanted. But it’s hard to celebrate when it’s at my expense.

So to sum it up … I take it day by day right now, knowing that I will get to where I need to be eventually. I trust that the process will work.

Hi Groot.

I am a lot further out and don't post very often anymore. BH happily reconciled BTW.

First, during my R there was no typical day. There were phases or stages to it. Some days I resented her. Some days she resented me for how cruel I could be during triggers. Each day was a mixed bag. Space and communication are valuable tools in any relationship. I learned to listen to my own needs. I also had to learn that skill in IC. I spent a lot of my life taking care of others and it did not come easy to me. Self care is a skill I have now:)

Mostly I white knuckled it. I did one day at a time kind of like other kinds of recovery. Good, Bad, oh,and so much ugly.

Can you expand on this part a bit more?

Before I found out about his A, I always wanted to know what he was doing , where he was, and I didn’t want him to have fun because I found no value in him as a husband or provider (I told him my logic then) now I just don’t care.

This seems like a normal Post Dday, but this was prior to your Dday? Detaching is a neccesary part of any R for a BS.

It is the only way to take a honest perspective on what you want/need without our prior years experiences/behaviors influencing them.

I did need to learn that one. I needed space too. Just seeing my W would trigger me and as a guy, my go to was anger.

I don't mean to discount a WS experiences. I can only imagine how much it hurts to see the person you love react negatively as soon as they see you. I think cognitively my wife got that my reactions were warranted, but I know it hurt. Then having to admit to herself that it was a path she chose and was 100% her responsibility. She had to wallow in shame for longer than she needed to. Plus being assumed guilty and having to prove her innocence was exhausting.

However talking through that with my W was the most difficult yet productive talks of our R. Space is necessary, but you need to balance that out by talking to someone. If not your H an IC. For me this lessened the emotional burden I wa carrying. The goal is to heal you then figure out what is best for you and your kids.

numb and dumb, thank you for your response and it is always nice to hear from a reconciled BS.

This seems like a normal Post Dday, but this was prior to your Dday? Detaching is a neccesary part of any R for a BS.

It is the only way to take a honest perspective on what you want/need without our prior years experiences/behaviors influencing them.

I think R is harder for me in the sense that I realized the reason I always wanted to know what my H was doing, where he was , and who he was with is because:

1. I don't think I ever truly trusted him
2. I didn't think he deserved to have any fun or friends because he was not a team player financially and he was extremely selfish and always had been.
3. He had a huge porn addiction

I didn't come to these conclusions UNTIL AFTER DDAY. I put on those rose colored glasses and I posted on FB our lives were great and I was so in love, but was I really? Or was I in love with the idea of being in love? My H and I knew each other a whopping 2 months before we got pregnant with our oldest daughter and we never got to know each other. We kept having kids, doing life, and the whole time he wasn't mentally present and extremely emotionally/mentally immature. With that said he was always a picture perfect dad and H to outsiders, he helped, he went to the store time and time again every day to get what we needed, he played with the kids, changed diapers , etc. All the while he was resenting us because he wasn't getting the external validation he so needed due to being so needy, during that time I treated him how I felt he treated me and that was like i was a nothing. No thankyous, no compliments and honestly he didn't deserve them at that time but it drove a wedge in between us long before the A. He had no motiviation to better our lives but to better his by pursuing a band and other hobbies that filled that void.
He also was severely addicted to porn and used that as an escape so I was very weary about leaving him alone because I knew what he would do. He sexualized women, was constantly stalking other womens profiles on FB, and had a lot of issues making sexual jokes that were over the top and cringe worthy.

These are all things that I saw mostly but kept shoving down, I told my H that I didnt like the porn usage and he hid how addicted he was until after Dday and how it changed his logic and how it ultimately lead to him acting out on the fantasies from it.

So I feel like R with him will be extra hard because I don't think our relationship has ever been truly heatlhy, we both have done things in the M that were destructive and we never really knew each other. I am trying to see the good in it, I am trying to see that it brought to light so many things about ourselves that should have been identified and changed, and now we have that opportunity but right now I go back and forth on even wanting to be in the same room as him.
I know that is "normal" but he seems so eager and "happy" that he gets to be this new version of himself, he has been porn free for 8 months if not longer and his views, thoughts, and things have changed drastically. He kisses his kids, he loves them like he should have, and he genuinely lights up when he sees us.

then there is me in the corner glaring at him.

I hope that all makes sense.

It does to me.

I will say this- sometimes infidelity brings to light cracks in the relationship that existed before the affair. It’s like putting a bright light on when you have been moving in the dark.

I will also say I think that due to infidelity those cracks seem deeper, and it’s hard to understand what it is you are trying to salvage. After some years pass, some of the good memories will start coming back that kind of starts to balance it out.

And you not liking him, needing space from him, that is all very normal. The fact he keeps being consistent without reward as I mentioned in another post will be his salvation should you reconcile down the road.

And I don’t know if I have said this before but…I don’t even think that normally any reconciling happens much in that first year. I think the majority of that time is recovery. There is too much grief to make much progress on that front. However, that healing that you are doing will bring you clarity as you move towards new phases.

And during mine, I also focused a lot on a breakup we had before we got serious. We had been friends, then friends with benefits, neither of us had felt like getting in a serious relationship. Well he had dated someone else before the benefits. She was one that liked to play with men’s heads. I knew he had been hung up on her. But as time passed we decided to date other exclusively and he chickened out because he thought that woman was his soul mate. Then he came back immediately and shut the door on that. But then a little later he wanted to try swinging. And so, sitting in my R I was certain we just had fell together out of loneliness. That it wasn’t special.

So I had this whole narrative about maybe the marriage should never have happened. Truth is it should have, it did, and we did love each other.

Anyway- what I am getting at is infidelity will make you focus on things from the past when in reality, the more important part is the present. i am not saying at a year out you should forget the affair- in fact, you never will. But there may come a day where you find this all rebalances and how you got pregnant and had to an accelerate the relationship right away may not seem like it matters as much.

Ws rewrite the marriage when we cheat, and the new version feels like trash to the bs. This is so normal and is not always indicative of what the future holds. But it’s okay you don’t like him right now, this is part of the process and one he likely will never forget either. He may not have wooed you in the beginning but he has his work made out for him. If he does it and does it all well for years, he is not going to forget he had to fight for this with everything he had the same as you- what does that teach? Value.

I am not saying you are doing this to teach a lesson, I am saying the stage you are at and the honesty in which you are dealing with it is necessary. I m saying it because sometimes I read what you write as you feel badly about it. YOU.SHOULD.NOT. You are doing what you need, after all he has been doing what he needed for all this time. Give yourself permission. And there are many benefits to that.

He has betrayed you. If you were acting like a Labrador retriever, that is what would be weird and likely destructive.

[This message edited by hikingout at 6:37 PM, Friday, September 6th]

HO: I realize I am not as newly out as the OP, but 2 years out from finding out about the a that happened 8 years ago. But your post about not feeling bad and about the Labrador retriever was really helpful. The imagery is very helpful. I think all BS do this feeling bad thing and it maybe makes the whole process harder for us than it needs to be.

[quoteI hope that all makes sense.

Crystal. That is the hard part. You see that growth coming at your expense. BTDT.I even got the T-shirt.

I was A lot like you. I easily bore the brunt of all the mutual household duties. Groceries, bills, worked at a job I was good at, yet hated to make enough to support our very young family.

After Dday, I lost my shit. My W was suicidal and we had two young children.

Fast forward a bit. Lots of therapy individually. W got meds. We had a period of time we were roommates that kids together. I still carried too much of the domestic, logistical and financial burden.

My W slowly started engaging with me and the kids again. She began to realize how much of the survival as a family unit was unfairly distributed. Often told me how much she appreciated it and began doing more.

Today I can see that as growth. Back then? I was resentful as fuck.

I just wanted to chime in….we just had our first anniversary of Dday and it was…uneventful. I agree this first year has been a roller coaster-shock grief sadness even when UH has done EVERYTHING he can to support healing. Now that we are past that, I guess I feel like I am watching……..I sometimes feel like I made it too easy for him and he hasn’t suffered enough, when I know in reality he has tortured himself over his choices. At time I feel Im here to keep the family intact. Our deep love story- 25 yrs has been tainted and it pisses me off. :(