SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I had finally finished digging through his maps timeline, told the loved ones I wanted to know, got std testing, talked to a lawyer. After talking to the lawyer I saw how horribly I would financially suffer. It is so unfair. There would be virtually no way for me to stay in my home. So I decided on a partial confrontation because this will give me time to get his debt managed and paid, get a newer vehicle for myself and get on better ground money-wise. He very recently more than doubled his income and walking away from that just seems like bullshit. Like, he gets to keep the house if he wants, and i just get screwed. Yes, I'd be free, but it would just be an incredible struggle.

I brought up everything, included the lying, alcoholism, debt, porn, commenting on erotic instagram model photos, seeking them out, keeping a list of names, his inappropriate behavior with a family friend. I had him open up the websites for all the credit cards and went through every available statement.

He admitted to none of it at first. Only ever admitted what I specifically brought up. I told him I wanted us to physically separate, and for him to go to his sibling's house, so that I could mentally and emotionally do some healing and he could put all his efforts into intensive therapy. He has a message in at a local church but also set up online counseling starting in a couple weeks. He swears he will not look at porn anymore, will not seek out pictures or drink. I don't believe him and don't trust him and he understands that. He takes 100% of the blame and understands the work is his to do.

I'm leaving the confrontation here and not bringing up the timeline that shows him over the years at a number of local hotels for short periods, and one span off and on for 3 days. There are several instances of checking in at one hotel during work trade shows out of town, but then bopping back and forth to a different hotel until the wee hours of the morning. I'm not getting into that yet. He still SWEARS no infidelity ever. I don't believe that.

I, however, do not feel any better at all. Not that I expected much, but I think I feel worse. He is still here, said he would move into another bedroom and agreed to no physical contact. He thought that me being able to know where he was all the time was important.
Im not feeling that necessity though, in reality what i think is he doesn't want anyone to see us separated. He said he would stay out of my way. He is doing that today but it doesn't feel like me getting time to heal. It feels like him still here, ignoring me.

Are you sure you will suffer financially? He may be ordered to pay alimony and child support (if applicable)

Yes, my state is equal asset and debt split, no alimony and I have no minor children

It doesn’t matter how much he makes. If he’s splurging on porn, cam girls, hotel rooms and dates (and God knows what else), running up debt, and destroying your credit, then you will suffer worse in the long-term financially than the hit you will take in the short-term by getting divorced.

Don’t be penny-wise, pound foolish.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 8:49 PM, Sunday, August 25th]

I like your plan. Use his income to pay debt off so you don’t get saddled with it, get yourself on solid financial ground, then blindside him like he did you.

OhItsYou, BRB’s husband is the cause of the debt and he’s still continuing to accrue debt.

Few states are equal asset as in tallying the total amount of debt and assets and dividing it exactly in two. Most states allow some argument about a fair distribution, with "fair" being some combination of who contributed what and why, and how the people can move on as individuals. Yes – chances are you will feel like you are leaving with less than you deserve. That’s the unexplainable mathematical enigma of divorce – as a rule both parties feel financially screwed.

Be careful not to fall into one common wrong line-of-thought: People don’t get rich on income; they get rich on the difference between income and spending.
Just for arguments sake let’s say you make 100k a year, and your husband 50k a year, for a total of 150k. That might enable you two a nice lifestyle, but if your expenses are 150k and even more (as apparent by the debt he has accumulated). Now – if you divorce your income will still be 100k but your outlay could be less... After all – his 50k didn’t keep you two from gathering debt. If you are no longer carrying him and his debt... your bottom-line could be 90k, giving you a margin to clear up debt.
If he sees some advantage in accumulating debt – for example, in keeping you attached to him – then he has no initiative to cut back.

Seriously look into your finances. The moment you realize that no matter the size of your shovel then his ability to dig a deeper hole will prevent you from ever escaping the present situation.

Honestly, I was very worried about the money when I was deciding to leave. I too am in a no alimony state and have no children together. The house belonged to my WH before we met and was paid off so aside from paying for food and some remodeling, my WH completely supported me at his house, so not only was what I had claim to a pittance, but in reality it wasn't mine and I was fine leaving it without a fight. Financially our split was amicable and 100% you take what you came to the relationship with and I'll take what I did. The sticking point really was our dogs - we had gotten them as a couple - so now we have "joint custody" of them lol.

So when I left, I was on my own. And the reality is - yeah, my financial situation is far worse than when we were together. I absolutely live paycheck to paycheck now whereas before with our combined incomes we were what most would consider quite well off. When we were together I was paying debts off easily, making a significant dent in my substantial student loans (which when I started were higher than most mortgages) and never worried about money, had a nice place to live....and you know what, I would NEVER take all that back for the peace that I have. Never. Ever. No ____ing way in hell.

Financially splitting up is almost always a loss. As a BS it's just another in the long lines of "unfairness" that an A bestows upon you. But, as we all say but never really think about - life isn't fair. But, you do have control over how much bullshit you are willing to put up with in exchange for financial security. In my case, I am willing to be financially "on the edge" but emotionally much more stable. I know where I stand, and money does indeed stress me out sometimes...but I am in control of those issues and they pass with a lot less of a mental health toll than infidelity had on me. Like no comparison.

I haven't found concrete evidence of any money going towards porn or sex workers, at least not in the past 7 years. I've seen the credit card statements and the credit reports and financially believe I've seen it all. There is one credit card that he may have been hiding that was canceled several years back. Those statements i made him call and request paper copies which they will mail to us. Now that I am involved in every penny spent, I will be able to control debt and increase assets. Because his income dramatically increased just in the past 3 months, I would be a fool to walk away immediately.

I will give him a chance to start counseling, will keep my eyes on everything and will eventually lay the rest of the cards on the table regarding stops at many local hotels over the past 7 years, and out of town hotel hopping. It is *technically * a slim possibility he can explain some or even many of them, but I very much doubt most can be explained. At that point it will be sink or swim regarding our marriage. Either the therapy and discovery prompts a confession of sorts, and a slim chance at reconciliation, or I move towards divorce. That will have given me time to stay long enough to have the benefit of his dramatically increased income. Our income disparity 5 months ago *was* that he made 2x my income. He currently makes 5x my income.

Do I want him to do the work and for the therapy to do its part? Of course. I have slim hope. If that hope proves fruitless, then this plan might be the only way that I can keep my home.