SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I feel like I’ve been posting a lot but I love the support and advice I get here. Last night my 12 year old daughter was watching old videos of herself and her sister on the tv (she was screen mirroring from my phone). And my heart hurt so bad. Not just because my girls are growing up but because I feel like my WH has ruined our story…. There’s a big black mark on our life that will never go away. My IC says it’s not the whole story, it’s just a bad chapter. But it’s hard not to feel like our family is just ruined. How do I deal with this???

Post all you want, friend. I found it to be incredibly therapeutic to talk it out here.

My experience is that my whole life had a dark cloud hanging over it for like 18 months after D-day. Everything seemed tainted and ruined. Where I’m at now, about 27 months out, it doesn’t feel that way. I’m divorcing, so our family is literally broken. And I mourn that, particularly for my children. But it just is now, and there is nothing to do but keep moving forward. And I have hope in that.

Betrayal trauma is horrific. It really messes with a person: heart, soul, mind, body. But it gets better, it really does.

I'm 21 months out and I feel exactly like this as well. I look at old pictures from our 20+ years together and I zoom in on WH face and it's like I'm trying to find out who the hell that person was? Since he wasn't who I thought I was living with? I used to cherish our family, our story, our specialness. I used to be so proud of us, our family, our love. Proud to be his, proud that he was mine... and I was thankful that I still felt that way after over 20 years because I knew from chatting with friends that it wasn't very common, to still be very much in love, have regular sex, have all the attraction still be there and never started taking each other for granted (or so I thought, and so I felt at least) after so many years together. I used to love looking at pictures from our life and seeing them always filled me with so much joy, pride and thankfulness that we had managed to build this beautiful life through so much trauma and difficult events we had weathered as a team.
Now? Pics just make me sad. I just wonder who we were, it's like I feel a disconnect? like the memory is fading now that I don't know what was really true anymore, it's like I can't remember things as clearly as I used to. It's all in question now. When did we start going downhill? When did the destruction begin? When did we become an option? Our story IS ruined. We aren't special at all, just sad. He has tainted our worth.

I'm 20 years out, and I will probably always feel that way about photos from the first 16 years of our marriage. He cheated less than two years in, and then twice more. I look at those photos and I see a rotten foundation of secrets and lies. And a woman who didn't listen to her gut. It's like a Dateline episode or something.

My marriage was crappy before DDay and got better and better as we healed. I think it must be harder for those whose marriages were good before infidelity. There was not much good for me to look back at. The good part came afterwards, though the pain will always make it bittersweet.

I’m 20 months out and I feel the same way. We have one of those digital frames in the LR and I have to look away when a pic of WH and me pops up. 22 years of marriage completely ruined. It makes me so sad. The grief is unbearable at times.

11 years from dday2 of affair 2.

I look back and think - what happened? He was honest and kind and always put me first. Where did this need come from that he needed an ego boost from other women?

I see now he was a big flirt. At first it was funny. He’s a funny guy. People liked him.

Now I see he’s insecure and broken and the strong image he presented was not one of confidence but one of need. He NEEDED to be the center of attention and get his ego boosts from anyone but me.

Has he changed? Absolutely!

Buuuuttttt…….he’s just not the guy I thought he was.

5+ Yrs out. Yes, big dark evil cloud over everything. (not really, but there are days....like yesterday). I'll go for months when everything is wonderful. We're connected, living beautiful adventures....etc. And then, I'll run into OW by chance and my body reacts before my brain can.

OW isn't stalking me...anymore...but any run in, even by chance, feels like an attack. And, I'm back to "How on earth did he think this was OK??".

I wish I could make that stop. I don't think that will ever go away, no matter if I stay in the marriage or no. I guess I just need to find a way to manage it better for myself.

Keep posting. Betrayal like this is soul crushing.

I feel like my WH has ruined our story…. There’s a big black mark on our life that will never go away.

I often write about how I look at our M as a tapestry. It is filled with beautiful colored threads that we have weaved into our tapestry...our first house...our children's births...etc. There are some dark colors in there too...deaths of loved ones...loss of jobs...etc. Then there is this one big black thread...the affair.

If I kept letting the A be a part of everything else in our M...that black thread will weave into everything...making our tapestry very DARK. But I CHOOSE to keep adding different colored thread to our tapestry instead . It IS up to US after all as to what WE want this tapestry to look like !

As I look at our tapestry of our M NOW...that black thread is still there. It will always be there. But it is barely noticeable compared to all of the beautiful colored thread surrounding the rest of our M .

One thing I have learned on here is that our THOUGHTS dictate our FEELINGS. You most definitely can FEEL that your M is ruined...probably when you are THINKING about the A. What happens when you THINK about the work your WH is putting in? How does that make you FEEL? I have found that when I think POSITIVE thoughts...I feel POSITIVE feelings. The more positive things you can see happening in your R...the more positive thoughts you will have...and that will bring you more positive feelings . It isn't rugsweeping...it is all about perspective !

I really like the way you've framed that, W2BHA. That's lovely.

I felt the same as you looking at old photos and such.

But your therapist is correct. Those chapters of you life are good ones. The black chapter is the infidelity.

We all have a black chapter and maybe more. The man you see in the photos prior to the cheating, did not cheat. He was who you thought he was.

What helped me, is I erased, deleted, tore up any photos or reminders of my husband during his affair period. I have maybe a few that I kept for me and that do not remind me of the black chapter.

So there is a gap in our photos. And I’m ok with that. Because today I don’t want his image staring out of the photos looking innocent when he was guilty as hell. I do regret tearing up his postcards sent to me prior his affair. I did it during our separation. I did not have to as that time had nothing to do with his affair. I was just so angry at that time.

My children are adults with families of their own. I feel compassion for my husband, when I see their photos, videos of him during the cheating time frame. I cannot ask them to erase as they have their good memories in spite of knowing what he did and how he treated me. I no longer cringe.

Wishing you the best.

W2BHA what a beautiful way to look at it.

Thank you 🙏

NABW and I’m the same. The photos from the affair period have none of him. Just me and my kids because the truth is he wasn’t being part of our family the way he should have been at that time. Erasing those made me feel better and it was a very good visual representation to show WH exactly how I felt.

I’m starting to see now that my whole marriage isn’t ruined, even though I have felt that way many times. I realise now there is a very big bad blip (mountain) in what hopefully will be a mostly happy fulfilling marriage.

I think I would feel differently if WH wasn’t putting in the work but he really is and I can see we may just make it after all. We both just got to keep showing up for each other.

W2BHA Your post makes me feel so hopeful so thank you for that. And everyone else, thanks for your words. They really help.

Thank you for posting about thinking positively makes you feel positively. I have such a hard time letting go of the anger and fear - maybe because that feels too much like forgiveness or I’m afraid he will think I’m over it and I’ll get hurt again. How do you make that leap? I think I want to stay angry to protect myself but I don’t think that’s helping our reconciliation. Any advice?
I have deleted all the photos of hi from our digital frame btw.

It's not a "bad chapter". It is the final chapter of your first marriage. An affair kills the marriage.

You can decide to write a sequel with the same partner if it makes sense for you to do, but that book is over and closed on DDay (give or take how you want to write the climax and conclusion). The decision to attempt R could be thought of as the beginning of the second book, or perhaps just an epilogue if it doesn't work out.

The work you two put in to writing Book 2 can decide if that story is good or not.

Maybe not as hopeful as W2BHA's post, but I do think you can have a good M and a good story in R.