SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi all,

Years ago I found this site after my partner cheated on me. We went through the usual rollercoaster, numerous d-days, the lies, etc. eventually he committed to R after I cut all contact for 9 months and we did everything suggested on this site. Our relationship seemed strong and I trusted him again. We even got married 5 years ago.

Within a year of marriage, he was drinking again and becoming distant. I felt like I tried everything to reconnect with little success. I didn’t think he was cheating after all we had been through before but in the last few months, I started to worry that maybe he was.

I finally looked at his phone last week after he hadn’t spoken to me for 6 weeks following an argument about his drinking. I saw an email on his Lock Screen for a delivery for flowers, hoping that it was maybe for me to apologize, I opened it. Nope, of course not, I didn’t recognize the address that he was sending 12 roses and a teddy bear to, it wasn’t even in the country.

I couldn’t find a conversation with an affair partner but I found mention of it in a conversation with a friend. Talking about how he wanted to be with her and didn’t know how to tell me. There was also a few screenshots of the conversation with the affair partner so I know her first name at least.

I am utterly crushed, I don’t understand how he could do this to me again after last time? I can’t forgive this time, I will never allow this man to hurt me again. I’ve met with a lawyer and am filing for divorce. It won’t be easy, I’ll have to give him half of everything I own, he has no assets as he spends his money on alcohol and pornography whereas I’ve been working 70 hour weeks and saving every penny since I was 18. It’s just so unfair.. I’m losing my husband, marriage, my home, my name, my savings and pension and apparently my mental health..

Looking for advice in general but more specifically regarding the divorce papers, I don’t want this to be any uglier than it needs to be. I want to present him with the paperwork myself and ask him for divorce. I just don’t know how to go about that and do I tell him I know about the affair?

Any tips would be appreciated.

i have no tips- but wanted to just offer my support and say you are a badass for taking control and initiating D. Hopefully your lawyer can minimize the financial hit— get the most aggressive lawyer who will fight for every penny you are owed.

Take care of yourself. You are doing great and are going to be fine.

Hopefully your lawyer can minimize the financial hit— get the most aggressive lawyer who will fight for every penny you are owed.

^^^This

I'm so sorry you are back but I admire your strength and swift move to D. This man is hopeless you are definitely making the right decision.

Hopefully you won't have to give him much in the D as the M has only been 5 years.

I am so sorry you are going through this again. But this time you have the expertise and strength of this board.

and didn’t know how to tell me.

It won’t be easy, I’ll have to give him half of everything I own

Maybe he will agree to less due to all he has done? Me and my ex literally sat at the table and worked up our own division of assets; then just had the attorney legalize it. It was not a 50/50 division because he knew the stuff he did/was doing.

You know your stbx, will he go to war with your D or will he be more reasonable due to his 'guilt'?

I agree with the above post.

Work out a mutually agreeable division of assets under the guise of "if we don’t have large attorney fees we have a bigger pot to divide up" between us.

I’m sorry you are facing this but as you said, he’s not done much the last few years. So you won’t be missing out on much sadly.

It’s unfortunate but if you go in with the approach of "I know you are unhappy and have found someone else, so we need to agree to move on" then maybe it will give him what he wants (freedom) and give him enough $ to make him go away.

I hope this helps you.

I'm so sorry you're going through this again. It is entirely unfair that you will lose so much for the sin of trusting this man and giving him another chance.

Hopefully, he feels guilty enough to not take half of what you've worked for. If he begs for another chance I'd have him sign a post-nup and divorce him anyway, but I'm jaded.

Check with an attorney, I believe there's a way to lock it up in a trust account and the courts usually will not touch it. Create a business name and move everything to the business.

I, too, am so sorry you have to go through this again. I feel like we have some parallels here, although I only gave reconciliation a few months and then realized my STBEX was still communicating with the AP and filed. I, too, took the gracious route and gave him the papers myself rather than having him served. My attorney told me once I filed to "start holding things close to my chest." I also have been the breadwinner, working my but off for 20 years to build something for our family and now (because I live in a community property state) am faced with him taking 50% of what I've worked so hard for. Maybe 60/40, at best. It's so galling.

I'd advise you as well to try to not give him any more info than you have to. If you can benefit from the infidelity in the divorce, do so. I wouldn't tell him anything more than you need to and consult with your lawyer. I also think I waited too long to push the divorce, as it's given my STBEXH more time to strategize how to bilk me for more.

I also am trying to take the high ground, but I will fight for everything I've built up. The injustice of it all is horrendous. But, I'm starting to see this as payment for my freedom. The further I am away from him, the more I see just how emotionally unavailable, immature and manipulative he is/was. I think time and space helps with that.

It is a horrible situation for us both, and nothing we asked to have heaped upon us, but I'm right ahead of you telling you it gets better, day by day. Everyone here says that and when you're mired in the midst of it, you don't believe it.

Hang on. Even if we have to pay to cut them loose, we will go on to earn more and re-build our lives. I doubt their outcome will be as bright.