SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Looking for some thoughts on this one please

At Xmas I caught my husband having an EA with my very close friend and neighbour. He was batteling depression and is clearly Avoidant (I anxious), he was also unhappy in his marriage with me saying I had toxic behaviours towards him and he just backpacked all his emotions so didnt say to me that he was building resentent. Finding out about them both (she was in my house all the time, and I was confiding in her at the pain of him totally withdrawing from me and the kids) gave me PTSD which I still struggle with now. We are both in IC and MC

Fast forward 7 on and Im still spiralling and flooding, I cant help it, I I can so angry and full of fear so I lash out at him saying Im leaving him and we are over (I really dont want a divorce but something takes over and I just want to run away).

He is now getting 'stronger' in him and says me doing this is pushing him away, he really withdraws and goes cold (he is working on this with his therapist) but doing this makes me panic that he will leave and the spiral continues.

Is this normal?, or am I wrong in doing this? I feel like he is punishing me for getting upset and trying to talk about what happened (as an avoidant, conflict is hard for him). I can see him getting more frustrated and I feel its just a matter of time before he leaves and calls it a day. Its all too much for him. He says he is 50/50 happy but still feels lonely. He said he is no longer depressed but post depression he is very different, not better just different. Colder, irritable, needs his own spaced and less patient and kind with me. He isnt the man I married and Im really greaving for him (and our old marriage)

Does anyone else self sabotage?, is just time needed? do you walk away? The EA was never sexual and was comfort as they were both unhappy with their partners but crossed the line to flirting over xmas. I feel sometimes he dulls down on what happened but says that Im catastrophizing it and just wont let go of it and move on. Ive found out now that she has a past of having multiple affairs and Im so scared he will go back with her if we split and the full PTDS starts again (it was awful)

We still have love and when we arent 'putting us under a microscope' we are really good. But I can see how my flooding is loosing him. Or are we just done and too changed to keep being together.

The EA was never sexual and was comfort as they were both unhappy with their partners but crossed the line to flirting over xmas.

It doesn't matter whether what he did was sexual or not. Your husband BETRAYED you.

It was around 6 months after Dday that the ANGER phase it me...HARD. It was very scary to me because I had never felt such RAGE before...and it would come out in an instant! I remember wanting to just RUN and not come back. I also left once...and just drove aimlessly...because being in the house with my H was so PAINFUL . He kept texting me...so I eventually pulled over into a park facing a bayou and cried as I read the texts. So...from MY perspective...you are pretty normal in getting to the anger phase in your timeline which is when I had mine.

I have to say that if my H would have said something about my reactions from HIS actions of having an A would have been "pushing him away"...I would probably be D by now. How can you NOT have PTSD from what THEY did? How can you NOT be angry over what HE did? WHY doesn't he UNDERSTAND this? HE crossed a line and HE has to face the consequences for that. UNTIL. That is what Dr. Phil often says. UNTIL. YOU decide when UNTIL will be.

Having said all this...R will only happen when BOTH people are ALL IN. Neither of you seem to be ready to be there yet. My H was that way an hour after his confession. It took me about 3 years before I finally felt we had turned a corner and decided to take D off the table completely.

We still have love and when we arent 'putting us under a microscope' we are really good. But I can see how my flooding is loosing him. Or are we just done and too changed to keep being together.

Love is nice...but love alone won't lead to R. It takes WORK to make R be fruitful. I believe that anything can be turned around and that it is never just "done" as long as you BOTH want to be ALL IN . But I won't lie and say it is EASY. You NEED to put everything under that microscope and clean all of that poop up!! If you don't...it is going to STINK and come out in other ways to mess up your M again.

I was married twice and cheated on twice. I obviously went for D in my 1st M. I remember the RELIEF I felt when I no longer had to deal with being with a cheater. For ME...it was much harder to go for R with the man who destroyed our precious M without a care in the world . BUT...there's always a BUT ...when we made it through to the OTHER side of infidelity...OH MY GOSH...it was AMAZING !!! I can honestly say that all of this HARD work...and it is very HARD work...was very much WORTH IT for what we have NOW . As I always say...NOW is what COUNTS !!!

You're not even a year out. This rollercoaster can continue for YEARS! Maybe he doesn't really understand the trauma he has caused you because the way you are reacting is completely normal. He shouldn't be saying things like you are pushing HIM away, hell he's pushed you far away by this A. The fact that he is being cold and withdrawing from you isn't a good sign for R as both of you will build resentment. Soon you will resent him for feeling this way and reacting to your normal trauma response in a cowardly way. WS really have to step up after their A and have to understand that the BS will react with lashing out sometimes. As long as you aren't physically and mentally abusing him what you are doing is par the course.

Have him read up on trauma caused by infidelity.

Also you should be working on yourself so that you can feel ok either way how this M goes. You seem to worried that he will walk away. He might, some WS do because they can't handle it. It just means he's not cut out for R and frankly not being accountable or understanding of what this has done to you.

Hi, there.

We are 10 months out from his A and I STILL feel like you do and I do not see it going away anytime soon unfortunately. Most days I loathe him, I don't want to be around him and I make it known to him how upset and disgusted I still am. Just last night I explained to him how I may never be able to forgive him for what hes done to me and how it in turn , has affected our children. when I say that I am mean, I am pretty brutally honest with him.

I agree with others, his action caused your reaction and this is trauma like I have never felt before and if he ever blamed me for my feelings that HE CAUSED, I would already be gone.
You have nothing to be sorry for or to explain to him.
As time went on , in my case I did notice I was being very abusive to him, emotionally and mentally because I wanted him to hurt, I would keep my claws in him and be hurtful, especially while he had just started his new job and was in counseling himself. That I DID STOP. I didn't like who I was and I didn't like how it left me feeling after I broke him down and heard him sob(he was putting in the work and taking every beating). I changed that part of me because I knew we both would have to heal and I wasn't allowing him that.

Now when we talk I don't scream, I don't belittle him (as much) and mostly it is just me telling him how I feel and how what he did has affected me and our family.
It seems to get to him way more than screaming and being angry.

You are a little behind me in the discovery phase and don't get me wrong, I still have my moments where I am unbelievably angry and he takes it but as time goes on, you will find your own ways to get your point across without having to be angry, to be honest my anger kinda fizzled into sadness and just hollowness, the anger phase left me completely exhausted from the flight or fight (clearly I chose fight) . I don't think I like the sadness any better to be honest. Now I just look around at the destruction he has caused and it is just beyond sad how much damage there is.

Take your time, IC helped me a lot when I went and I am sure it will you too, don't worry too much about his feelings and work right now that hes doing he needs to do it regardless of how you feel, if he loves you and wants to truly keep you then he will see that you are in a huge place of hurt and complete anger due to HIS actions. If he doesn't then I agree with others, reconciliation won't be possible. If my H didn't put in the work and really really bare his soul and start major changes right away I really think I wouldn't be posting this today.