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I'm not sure what I'm asking exactly, but I'd just like some guidance and a kind word, as I'm feeling really really low 😪

Its been a rough week, our daughter developed appendicitis on Tuesday evening, and had an emergency appendectomy on the Wednesday evening. So she is still very sore, needs a lot of help mobilising etc.

WH has been wracked with guilt, as he didn't feel an ambulance was needed (our car was also in for repairs) and that it was merely a tummy bug and he essentially implied I was overreacting. He has since apologised profusely and realised he'd let me/her down, of which I of course accepted and I empathised with him.

The following day whilst I was still in hospital with our daughter and he had had to go home, we discussed his brothers wedding that was due to take place in the following two days. Basically, to cut a very long story short, he now agrees he again let me down and ignored my opinion. I felt he should not go as our daughter would have only had surgery 2 days earlier, there are risks of complications, and if he went and there were complications, I be left without a car to get her to hospital - and as I'd experienced the few days before when I phoned for an ambulance (and by this point WH had left for work so I was on my own), they refused to send one as there weren't any and they told me to simply take her to the GP (It was a really traumatic experience, I was petrified, and had no support and was worried she might die 😭 I never want to experience that again). WH on the other hand, after I made my opinion clear, he told me that if the shoe were on the other foot, he would be telling me to go!!

So again, he now realises that he didn't listen to my opinion and he let me down. Its tough to be forgiving at this point. Anyway, the wedding was yesterday and our daughter seemed OK (as ok as can be following abdominal surgery) and so I told him to go, and take our other daughter, who wanted to go.

However, stepping back to a few days earlier... obviously after that phone call regarding the wedding, whilst I was in hospital with our daughter, I was really upset and angry, and I hung up. I told him to not worry about it, go and have fun (yes, sarcasm). Throughout the rest of the day, before he collected us in the evening after she had been discharged, he was messaging asking how she was, am I OK etc - I was still very upset, so kept my replies brief and rather curt. I was exhausted, emotional, and still rather traumatised from the fact the ambulance refused to come when my daughter clearly needed urgent medical attention!

When WH collected us in the evening, I did very much give him the cold shoulder. He did just want to be kind and supportive and cook us a nice meal, but I was just so upset and angry about that phone call. I felt again incredibly let down, and again that he was prioritising others before us (something he said he would never do again). So I blanked him a lot, and didn't speak much. I was also practically falling asleep in the car, as I had barely slept in 2 days.

The following morning he said he wasn't happy about how I was treating him. I said angrily well I wasn't happy that again I felt let down and that again, he was prioritising everyone else before us! He says now, that all he did was apologise - but no, he really didn't. He employed his usual traits of defensiveness, argumentativeness and anger - yes there were some apologies peppered between this - however, its always a "I'm sorry, BUT...". He's never JUST sorry.

The whole day was a complete shit show. He was slamming stuff round, threatening to pack up the shoes I had bought for the wedding and send them back. This is behaviour that he PROMISED would not happen again. I snapped, and angrily said I want a divorce and that I no longer love him. Because how can I love a man who treats me like this!!!

His behaviour and the arguing continued pretty much the whole day!!! It escalated to the point whereby he physically prevented me leaving the room at one phone, he told me to "get out of his house then, if I want a divorce" (the house is ours, we own it jointly), he man handled my phone off me, he pushed me in the back of the head. He said some real shitty things to me. Believe me, I'm not perfect and I said some real shitty things too. At one point I felt I nearly whacked him as I said "fine, why don't you go out and fuck yet more people", he replied "maybe I will". I just felt myself nearly lose it!!

So now today, after he went to the wedding last night with our other daughter, he said he doesn't know how to act around me. He said he's so sorry for his behaviour and that he's ashamed.

This is the bit where I'm just flabbergasted - he says yes, he recognises that he needs to look at his own behaviour, but that I also need to do look at my behaviour. The day when we had that whole long argument, these are some of the comments:

Me: Yet again, you're getting angry when you promised you wouldn't!
Him: And I wonder WHY I get angry.

Me: You're being a complete asshole!
Him: I'm not the asshole, you are!

He reminds me of the shitty things I said "I want a divorce, I hate you, I don't love you anymore". Yet seemingly not recognising that I have only said, and only feel these things, BECAUSE of HIS behaviour. I don't just happen to come out with these things!

He says he's hurt that when I came home from the hospital that I gave him the cold shoulder. That all he was trying to do was look after me, and I just chose to ignore him. That I should have had more compassion, given how awful he felt about letting our daughter down when she became unwell. That when he apologised in the morning regarding the conversation about the wedding, that I shouldn't keep pushing (yet again ignoring the fact that he didn't JUST apologise. "I'm sorry, but....excuse, excuse, excuse" is not an apology, nor a recognition).

I do feel this has made me look at my behaviour. I can now accept that there is no point in arguing, trying to get him to see anything, having a glimmer of hope when he makes his lists of promises to change. He can't change. I believe he genuinely wants to, but he can't. He is who he is - I either accept the status quo, or leave him. There is absolutely no point in raising anything that bothers me, or trying to "get him to see/understand". He either sees it and changes on his own, or he doesn't. His work, is his work.

The last 2 years, since DD, my life has been unbearable. MY work is to respond to him accordingly and restore peace in my life and my daughters' lives.

I’m so sorry for your situation with your daughter and hope she heals quickly.

I’m also very saddened to read this post. Not just b/c you are a betrayed spouse but b/c your H became physical with you.

That is a huge 🚩

I dare say that the marriage is so broken it seems impossible to fix it. He blames you for his behavior w/out recognition that he can choose to be a better person or he can choose to be a lying cheater who physically hits his wife.

Please get yourself counseling ASAP and also start the process of separating from your H. Perhaps you can reconcile IF he makes changes in his life, such as not being physically abusive to you.

Your children are witnessing this behavior as well and it is also harming them. Breaking the cycle of abuse starts with you and your decision to not allow this to happen again. Ever!

You report escalating physical and emotional abuse to us. You report a long term pattern: abuse - apology - abuse - apology.... You report possible emotional and physical abuse of your daughter ('It's just a tummy bug.')

I don't know exactly how to do this, but I think you need to get away from him ASAP.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:46 PM, Sunday, September 8th]

I agree with the others. This man has all the nice words but his actions are scary and escalating.
See a lawyer, call an abuse shelter… find a way to divorce him. Don’t tell him. Just start laying the groundwork. Your kids need to see their mom not putting up with this. Get IC to help you come to terms that this is not just bad behavior, but is abuse.

Hope your daughter has healed well.

Thank you so much for the replies, I really appreciate it.

You are all absolutely correct. It is abusive behaviour 😔 It has taken me a while to I think really accept that actually, that it is a cycle of abuse. I think he realises this, but cannot quite accept that it is him.

Before the affair, there was none of this in our marriage. He was not an angry person, he infact was too horizontal for his own good. He'd never really even raised his voice to me.

So what's happened? Was he this monster all this time? Did his true self just never come out, as the circumstances never prompted it? Or did the A cause him to develop this angry, abusive side? Is it shame? Is it entitlement driven?

I don't think those questions overly matter anymore, though. He's proven to me now, he is incapable of doing the work so to speak.

Over two years down the line, and he's shown he can't be honest (everything was TT - until there is nothing left to tell apparently - I just dont buy it), he's defensive, he's argumentative, he's entitled, he lacks any insight into his own thoughts/behaviours. He has this real deep seated anger it appears, that he doesn't control very well. He deflects blame. He still suffers cognitive dissonance, yet doesn't recognise this. In the earlier stages he read some books, sent me links, posted here a few times etc. But its all just seemingly tailed off. The amount of times he has been told to read Rising Strong to deal with his shame - he has listened to a few chapters, and thats it. He is not proactive in his own healing, not at all.

I think the problem is, is that deep down, he's been trying to change for the sake of keeping the marriage. Not because he wants to be a better man. When things are good between us, he is the most wonderful, caring, doting husband you could ever ask for. He would give me the moon on a stick if he could. He seems so damn happy- it's like he gets tunnel vision, believing that we are all hunky dory, and seemingly forgets that he is supposed to still be working on himself.

I just feel totally detached from him now, like something has clicked. I can see the bigger picture - he CANT change. Despite apologies, and promises, he's not capable.

In his anger, when I said about divorce - he actually completed the application and sent it to me. What a totally remorseful spouse, huh. I guess that's one thing less to do 😪

I just wanted to add, that I don't feel at any risk from him and I know the girls and I are safe. He honestly did feel terrible regarding the tummy bug comment - I can't agree this was abusive, it was more him and his cognitive dissonance in play I believe - as in "I don't believe it could possibly be anything serious, but nothing like that could ever happen to us - therefore it's not serious and its just a tummy bug."

WB— I agree that his not calling an ambulance might have been an honest error- not uncommon with appendicitis. But how he has behaved since is wrong.

Also, my H was also like a totally different person during his A- angry, quicker temper, mean. It’s commonly seen here. Can’t explain it- but they have to make you the bad guy so in their mind they are justified in their A. Crazy making.

Bb - thank you, and he really did (does) feel terrible about it, I can see that. Which was why I was very empathetic about it, I know I'd feel gutted.

He was vile towards me during the affair too. He almost looked evil. When he ended the A, it was like someone had switched the light back on in his soul, I could finally see him.

Which feels like a little light bulb moment in saying that. When he becomes the horrid, angry, petulant human being now when he gets angry - he looks not too dissimilar to when he was having the affair. There's just nothing there. Making me even think of it even now, feels like it triggers something in my brain. It makes me feel repulsed 🤢 Like its the affair "him". Ugh.

Whiskey blues,
Sorry you have been through this. I just wanted to say that although our situations are not the same, some of my husband’s reactions are similar to yours. I had a lot of advice too that my husband’s behaviour was abusive and which it was but I couldn’t really tally up the man I am
Married to and have been with for 14 years as an abuser. it is only recently I have realised that we have been locked in a cycle. Normally he is a really good father and ok husband. The affair turned his behaviour upside down and he was very abusive and it wasn’t acceptable. This combined with the fact I had only given birth six months previously when he started his affair meant that I had a bit of breakdown and told everyone everything which placed me in the victim role and him in the persecutor role and piled on to our shame, me as the victim who wouldn’t leave him as this awful villain and it didn’t help either of us.

I feel a lot better in myself now. I can see how the way I react triggers him and although I know I am not responsible for how he reacts i don’t get drawn in as much and as a result we have a lot less arguments. My husband maybe similar to yours is locked in a cycle of shame and his way of dealing with it is to bury it deep pretend that nothing happened and expects me to do the same so any mention of the A results in defensiveness from him, ‘how dare you mention it’ you are being so mean to me etc. he sometimes shows humility but I think he feels so ashamed that he cannot fully confront what he has done without completely questioning himself as a person.

Do you feel you can stay with him? It is really hard but an affair does really rock the foundations of everything, I feel it has fundamentally changed me as a person and I am not willing to put up with my husbands crap so much anymore.l cycle between hating him but then on good days feeling at peace with my decision to stay and try and keep the family together. Do you feel the same way?

Also apologies if I made that about me! I read a lot on here and I relate a lot to some people and some of what has happened to you seems very similar to how our husbands seem to reacted. It helps me to feel less alone.

But I am very sorry you experienced everything with your daughter and I hope you can do what is right for you and your children. It is just so hard and relationships can really make us do some crazy stuff. People are so messy and we all have our challenges, but you deserve to be treated with respect. It is hard when you are in it and I have been there when my husband has been really disrespectful but I am not tolerating it any more and trying not to get drawn into it and it has made things better and he has made changes.
I don’t know what that looks like for you but maybe leaving him will be the wake up he needs or maybe he will never change and be the person you need. I have had to accept that I cannot change him that has to come from him.

Whiskey and LemonPie, one thing you both mention in your posts is how bad your husbands feel for how they've treated you... and yet they continue to do it.

My guess is that they have the same degree of self-loathing as someone who goes on a late-night ice cream and potato chip binge. Yeah, their stomach hurts and they feel gross.. but there's still a voice in their head that says it wasn't a big deal, they can just restart their diet on Monday, and besides, they deserve to indulge from time to time.

As an exercise, see how they treat people who they really like, respect, and who aren't beholden to them in any way. Do your husbands ever have uncontrollable moments where they lash out at or abuse these people? My guess is no.

So why should you, as their wives, tolerate such behavior?