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Our 21st anniversary is coming up near the end of the month and I have no interest in celebrating it. I found out April 4th that my wife was sexting a married coworker 13 years my younger and of course one of the questions I asked was when did this start and so far her answer is still I don't know which I do not believe.

So it's possible they were communicating when our anniversary rolled around last year or it began shortly thereafter. Since they were communicating iPhone to iPhone the text messages did not go through Verizon so I have no way of finding out

A week ago my wife said it's important to me that we celebrate our anniversary this year and I bought you a gift. I said we have never exchanged gifts on our anniversary. She said it's something small but you will understand the meaning when you see it. So now I feel obligated to find a special gift for her even though I have no desire to do so

Last night we were talking and our anniversary came up. I told her my brain for some reason has connected our anniversary to the affair. She said we have 21 years of trials and tribulations and we should celebrate that.
Nothing else was said after that, we just laid there in silence for a while until she turned off the bedroom lights and went to sleep

At 5:00 a.m. when her alarm goes off she will usually curl up next to me for a little while before we have to get out of bed but this morning she just got out of bed and I could tell something was bothering her but I am done trying to coax conversation out of her so I said nothing

In the kitchen she said your words last night hurt me and made me angry so I need some time to calm down before we discuss it and I said okay. I have zero empathy for her. She made the decision to destroy our relationship so to me she gets to deal with the consequences

So far the reconciliation has been going well and AFAIK there has been no contact but does one ever really know the truth. She said the other day she was walking down the hall and he was talking to somebody and he took a step to the side so that his back was to her when she passed by.

He was informed via text message early on that there will be no contact and he needs to acknowledge that he understands I have copies of the text messages and that if he does not reply saying he understands and there will be no contact then he is gambling with his wife receiving copies of the text messages so maybe that is enough to keep him away. I only have copies of the text messages from the day I discovered the affair because my wife was smart enough, deceitful enough, to erase them before she left work each day. I found the messages on her tablet because my Spidey Sense was tingling

I feel no obligation to fake a happy anniversary celebration this year. Maybe next year I will feel differently if we're still together but my feelings are my feelings as hers are hers and she just has to accept that

You have no obligation to celebrate anything that you don't want to.
Also, why would you not share the discovery of your wife and this POSOM's adultery with his wife? First, she deserves to know. Second, cold, harsh truth has a disinfectant effect on the "Feelz." Third, his betrayed wife may be aware of more than you are. Comparing notes may reveal some things you didn't have until now.
On that note, are you confident that it was texting only? How confident are you that it wasn't physical since they work together.

I asked was when did this start and so far her answer is still I don't know which I do not believe.

She knows. If you're asking for a general timeframe and not an exact date, she knows. There's a reason she's not telling you. I'm with 1994: I'd be wondering if she's telling the truth about it not being a PA.

if he does not reply saying he understands and there will be no contact then he is gambling with his wife receiving copies of the text messages

Did he reply?

my feelings are my feelings as hers are hers and she just has to accept that

Well said. Don't worry about buying her a gift or celebrating the anniversary. There's not a lot to celebrate right now since she's still actively wayward. (Withholding information about when it started, etc.)

Best she can offer is sometime in the winter but she doesn't know or claims to not know. Do I know for sure that it was just sexting? No, I don't, all I can say is based on what I've learned that's all it was but you never know for sure that you know everything, you either believe what your partner is telling you or you don't

Yes, he did reply that he understands and that there will be no further contact. Could they be talking or using some other messaging app? Absolutely and I have no way of knowing

It is highly improbable that anything could happen at work given where she works but two people who want to be together will find a way though I don't believe there was anything physical

Now that you know she has the capacity to lie, you need to get as much clarity as possible so you can make the best decision for you moving forward. I strongly discourage you from trusting her, especially if it’s because you only hope you know everything. Humans are very capable of self-delusion, so, frankly, you shouldn’t trust your own judgment quite yet.
Keep pushing. Insist that she submit to a polygraph to verify her story. Tell the other spouse everything and share what you’ve discovered.
See an attorney to better understand what your options are. That doesn’t mean you have to divorce, but knowing is better than not if that’s the choice you want to make later.
Take care of your own health. See a therapist. Sleep. Eat properly. Avoid alcohol or any other crutch vices. Go to the gym. Find a trusted friend or family member you can confide in. Don’t suffer in silence.
The learning library here is full of great advice and insight. The first thing to look up is Grey Rock/180. Get some emotional distance to protect yourself.
You’re likely still in shock, and she is almost certainly lying to you. I pray I’m wrong. A poly—perhaps even the threat of a poly—can set some more truth free.
Finally-Tell the other betrayed spouse.
Stay strong.

I would bet some big dollars that she knows exactly when it started and exactly how. People don’t forget stuff like this unless they have brain damage. You’re being TT.

I agree with others she is TT you. If this went on for possibly over a year and they were in close proximity there was nothing stopping them from being physical. She knows when it started, she knows if she told him Merry Christmas or Happy new year. She knows what life events she told him about and can figure a date by that.

I would encourage you to notify his W. You don't owe him a deal, his W needs to know and she can help get to the bottom of things.

Most in your situation have no interest in celebrating an anniversary, especially this close to your Dday. She lacks empathy. If the roles were reversed do you think she’d be interested in celebrating the anniversary? That is a false equivalence comparing her infidelity with the normal trials and tribulations of M. She betrayed her wedding vows. She destroyed your trust. She is trying to minimize her hurtful behavior rather than addressing her brokenness. It takes humility and empathy at a minimum. Instead of being defensive she needs to put herself in your shoes and demonstrate empathy for the pain she caused you. Otherwise you have very little to work with.

I found out April 4th that my wife was sexting a married coworker

Yeah, I'm with the "she's TTing you" group. She may no know exactly when things started but it reads like she knows a lot more than she is saying.

But, color me paranoid, my FWS colored my perceptions by lying more than I thought possible.

My wife couldn't remember a lot, but she remembered way more than she admitted to at first. It just took 9 years for her to admit it.

YMMV.

Call me a cynic but adults normally start something like sexting after sex. Adults who go are flirting that much move to sex pretty quick. My wife cheated with a coworker at work, I know it seems improbable but all it takes is a lunch break and a random parking lott. I thought I was married to the most moral person in the world. So did everyone else. Sexting with a coworker = sex imo. Just too much proximity. Cake eaters are turned on by the ilicetness if it as much as anything. Those that are great at deceit are master manipulators. 100% ask for a polygraph and don't relent. If your willing to work through this with her then that's the least she can do. If it's too much for her then you know where you stand and she's telling you everything you need to know anyway. Cake eaters know they are married to someone good and IMO they always want you there because they know they aren't going to find someone better, they just don't have the same values you do but they damn sure appreciate being married to someone with the values they lack

It is highly improbable that anything could happen at work given where she works but two people who want to be together will find a way though I don't believe there was anything physical

What makes you think that a PA cannot happen in s school? There have been many cases where the amorous couple head off to a small cupboard/room and do the deed there. They do not need to have comfortable surroundings, as the thrill does it for them.

By not wanting to believe there was anything physical, you could be trying to convince yourself that 'it is not that bad', which will not serve you well. When investigating, it is best to keep an open mind and 'plan for the worst, hope for the best'. This prepares you for the possible eventuality that it is/was a PA.

First, tell his wife, if there is anything that exposes the truth it is blowing up any veil of secrecy. I deeply suspect his wife will properly interrogate him and you just might find out of you are really dealing with.

Second, my X sent a gift a while ago and it was close enough to that date to cause a fair bit of dark laughter on my part. I never believe in coincidences. My X has been trying to "return" for a while now.

Just to start with... Her comment about "we have 21 years together to celebrate" is enough for me to ask her to leave.

Think that is extreme??? Well, think about this... Her thinking in that statement is completely wayward and uncaring about your feelings.

Your marriage ended when she had the affair.

Next, to think that the affair was not physical is just a little too, far too, trusting.

Adults have sex, period. To think otherwise is to be foolish.

So, with what you have written so far, I would surmise:

1) The affair went on way longer than you know.

2) The affair was physical and very much so. (i.e... they screwed like rabbits)

3) She is not remorseful in any way... STILL.

4) She is still lying which further proves number 3.

FYI, It was wrong not to tell the other wife. You should inform her now. To not do so is immoral.

[This message edited by BluesPower at 12:49 PM, Friday, September 13th]

She said we have 21 years of trials and tribulations and we should celebrate that.

This reads as downplaying, damage control and rug-sweeping.

Please inform OBS ASAP. Do NOT let anyone know you are doing this [or they will have cover stories in place and find a way to talk you out of it].

Also - this is a co-worker - they should not be working together. They are still in contact. Even a "good morning" while at the Keurig is contact. In fact - your WW should inform HR so they can make sure they stay apart until she finds another job.

I have a sad feeling you have just hit the tip of a very big iceberg.

have been many cases where the amorous couple head off to a

I would echo this as well. At my workplace, which is a secure workplace, two people were fired about two years ago for having sex on the job.

They were having sex in the bathrooms.

I realize that it's not terribly unheard of. But our bathrooms are not that clean, and there is no woman on earth hot enough for me to have sex with her in our bathrooms. Their coworkers could hear them fucking in the bathrooms, the walls are not soundproof.

People take these incredible personal and professional risks as well, both people lost their security clearances, they can never work for any of our agencies ever again, in any capacity, secure or nonsecure.

Best to keep inquiring.

WB1340

I went through your older posts and it takes some effort to get your story... It’s in parts and pieces all over.
However... What I have gathered is that you caught your wife sexting, that it’s a younger married coworker, that she told you it was only sexting and that it’s over. That they still work together, that the OM has promised you it’s over and that you two have been to MC to "fix" what was wrong in the marriage that made her have to cheat...

I also see that you are afraid of committing to the marriage, don’t have a sense of knowing the truth.

I don’t really know where to start...

Let’s start at the beginning: Like... at what point do coworkers start sexting?
Considering the day and age, meetoo, prevalence of mixed-gender workplaces and all that... Heck... back in the 1980s in a predominantly male oriented law-enforcement environment we learned that the girly-calendars on the walls and ass-pinching was not acceptable... As a manager for groups ranging from 2 to 100 people, I have known for several decades that there are things you DO NOT do. I have warned and even fired people (men and women) for sexual inappropriateness, ranging from direct sexual harassment, misogyny, crude behavior...
At what point in two coworkers’ relationship does one dare send the other something that even sounds inappropriate? Like – if the OM initiated this – when did he think sending "Your appreciating ASSetts are making my value-pole RISE... nudge nudge, hint hint, avocado emoji..." would a) get a positive respond and b) not get him a visit by HR?

Sexting evolves from SOMETHING. It doesn’t happen in a vacuum. Your wife (or OM) did not send 20 people sexual innuendo messages in the hope that one would reply...

There is MORE history than she has shared... That history might be that they flirted in person before the sexting, might be a full-blown sweaty sex-in-the-car at lunch, or it might just be that they both were fine with deciding to start – and "limit" – this to sexting.

A bonus question: What is their work-relationship? Is he in any way in a managerial role or supervise her in any way, or vice-versa?

A key to marital recovery is truth.
To rebuild a marriage, you need the foundations to be as firm as possible. If you have a feeling that you don’t know then even if what she shared is truth... the foundations will shake.
I can promise you with 100% certainty that learning NOW that they were at it like dogs in heat will cause LESS DAMAGE than if she shares with you 5 years from now that they kissed. You can build from the truth, but learning falsehoods tends to destroy whatever progress might have been made.

My key- advice to you would be to get the truth to an accountable level that you are willing to accept.

Here is a suggestion:
Tell her you are giving her an anniversary gift: The gift is the chance to rebuild the marriage and that next year can focus on recovery rather than damage control. The gift is that she can NOW and until a fixed date (like after 10 days) share the total truth about some questions you might have, and it will not lead to an automatic argument or divorce. You will appreciate the truth because you can’t rebuild on falsehoods. Then tell her that her gift to YOU will be that she will take a poly where the truths can be confirmed.
Truths on issues like a) how did it start b) was it ever physical in any way or form c) who initiated d) is it over and all that.

Tell her that the ONLY reason you are willing to give her this gift is because of the years of trials and tribulations. If it wasn’t for the extended past you would be filing for divorce, because her affair negated the marriage per se.
Tell her that if she wants to reconcile and wants this marriage then she should jump on this opportunity. It allows her to relief herself of whatever secret she might be holding on to, and if she is truthful and passes the poly it gives you a reference point where you have to say to yourself "She did say it was only sexting, and the poly supported that. I have to realize that my doubts are more internal than marital".

I get it. She’s going to say demanding a poly shows a complete lack of trust. Fact is – there is no trust as is.
She’s going to say it’s pseudo-science, but aside from possibly waterboarding her I don’t really see a better option.
Tell her it’s a tool – a tool for both of you to establish a base to work from.

Rather than edit I want to add:
His wife should know. The threat of possibly having his wife know will NOT keep him away forever. At some point he will feel safe enough to reach out again.
And...
She needs to change jobs. With him around her then even if SHE totally commits to the marriage, you won’t feel safe.

@Bigger

You are correct about the sequence of events. No, neither are in a managerial position above the other.

How did it start? Damn good question that is still unanswered. Her response "I don't know. I think it started with good morning and then that dress looks good on you. I honestly don't know"

She still claims she cannot remember a single message they exchanged, claims it was just superficial validation that she was still attractive. I don't believe her. The messages were worth gambling our marriage yet you cannot remember a single one? Not sure which meant less to her, the marriage or the sexting.

I had brought up the idea of a polygraph to my therapist and she kind of warned me away from it. I don't remember her reasoning but lately I have been reconsidering it. My logic is if she has a problem with it that answers a lot of unanswered questions

It's the unanswered questions that are holding me back such as when did it start, what did you say to each other, did you communicate outside of work. That last question was initially answered with a no and then subsequently changed to I don't know

I have also reconsidered not telling his wife. I'm working out the logistics of having a letter delivered to her via messenger because that's the only way I can see something getting to her without him intercepting it and I ruled out the idea of going to their house

[This message edited by WB1340 at 4:25 PM, Friday, September 13th]

My two cents. You are never going to get a satisfactory answer to all of your questions.

So the BS (who wants to R) ends up making a choice. What can I live with (in terms of getting info from the cheater) and what can I live without knowing.

Or, what is a dealbreaker that if I don’t get the answers I need or want, then the only option is D.

I know my H has not been honest about his first affair. I am certain that it was a PA not just an EA. Do I have proof? No. But I’m usually not wrong but in order to R I had to drop it. Though I have told him on a number of occasions that I know it was a physical affair and I accept you won’t admit it.

Do what is best for you. Always.

It's the unanswered questions that are holding me back such as when did it start, what did you say to each other, did you communicate outside of work. That last question was initially answered with a no and then subsequently changed to I don't know

Another answered question you have is whether the affair is still ongoing. My bet is that YES, the affair your WW has had is STILL going on in the meanwhile. And not only that, it proceeded to actual sex. I am sorry Friend, but adults who have physical access to each other do NOT only sext. You'd be extremely naive if you are believing that your WW is not currently having sex with POSOM.

And YES you do need to tell POSOM's wife. She deserves to know what has been going on when it comes to her marriage and life.