SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I cannot figure out why polygraphs have not become standard in recovery.

There is one big site that favors using them to get to the truth, the complete truth…and usually the night before.

Polys are not "lie detectors," but the measure changes in vitals. There are now professionals who ONLY do them, and they are limited to 4-5 questions.

But our latest MC says, "they don’t build trust. BS. I was lied to the last 2-1/2 years of "reconciliation." He lied to his IC and ALL of our MCs.

How can you forgive what you don’t know? Why are Betrayed Expected to take leaps of faith again and again?

WHY DON’T WE EXPECT MORE FROM BETRAYERS?!

Mine says it would be humiliating. Really?
More than I am after nearly a decade and been given an STD that is turning to cancer?!

The whole MV community makes it as gentle on the betrayer as possible. F that.

We don’t want to know the truth, and MCs don’t want Betrayers to face real consequences.

Just try to find an MC who supports a poly to get to "ground floor" truth.

Recommending a polygraph is about the ONLY thing out MC got right. But only after telling me (while my WW was still withholding multiple APs) that if I couldn’t accept that the info she had provided to date was all I would get, I needed IC to help me accept the truth…. To which I replied "if this is all I’m getting, I’m just going to divorce her lying, cheating ass". Then MC recommended a polygraph.

While there, my sobbing wife told the examiner "this makes me feel like a criminal" The Examiner responded "well, adultery IS a crime in our state". Mic drop!

ImaChump, this reinforces EXACTLY what I believe: No poly; no truth. Her being poly’d did what it was intended: Get her to admit the truth.

This is why if they refuse one, you know the answer.

Over head in Australia it really isn’t a thing, so not an option. Nor is infidelity a crime and not recognised at all in divorce proceedings with children. So it means that even though he chose to cheat and potentially break up our family, he can still get 50/50 time with our son. That is actually the part of all this that makes me the angriest.

Ima - that is one of the best mic drop moments I’ve ever heard!!!! And you are so right, them saying to to a poly (if you have that option) really says it all.

I do think however my husband has seemed to be brutally honest so for the most part I believe what he tells me. I’m sure there are some details I’ll never know but what I do know is enough for me.

Mine was a double betrayal. I know when they first met by phone and in person because I was there. I know when it turned from normal into an EA, even before he did. I was a little behind in the PA aspect, but I found out. Frankly, my timeline with emotions attached was better than his. I didn't need a poly because I already knew. Now, there are some other instances of things that I may wanted to have him poly'd for (did you leave the kids in the car while you were in the porn shop would be one, but it was 30 years prior.)

Our MC tried to do the unmet needs fallacy, but I told her that I would respectfully disagree with her on that. Of course, we only did 6-7 months of MC before he tried to be sexual with somebody and that's when I said I was done.

It is ok to tell your MC that you don't agree and why. I would ask the MC if they've seen Truman's World with Jim Carrey and what is their take on how the gaslighting affected Truman. Then, relate what your WH's behavior has done to make you the Truman in this situation. Medical gaslighting (or even behavioral health provider gaslighting) is real.

I have an issue with MCs who won't support the BS having as much truth as possible. In the medical field, they have informed consent (where all options have been discussed with the patient and this is the option that the patient has chosen) and shared decision-making (both the provider and the patient have discussed the options and this is the treatment path that BOTH have decided is best for the patient).

Polys can help to establish trust because you have a baseline.

Why are Betrayed Expected to take leaps of faith again and again?

No, you need to establish boundaries and consequences. My boundary was no sexual contact with other females. The consequence? D. I didn't have to take leaps of faith - I enforced my consequence. XWH had a choice - he could be with other women, but not with me as his wife.

No, you need to establish boundaries and consequences. My boundary was no sexual contact with other females. The consequence? D. I didn't have to take leaps of faith - I enforced my consequence. XWH had a choice - he could be with other women, but not with me as his wife.

Easier said than done, but essential, IMO, too.

There is one big site that favors using them to get to the truth, the complete truth…and usually the night before.

I mistrust any site that sees a poly as a way to get to 'the complete truth.'

Polys are limited to yes/no answers, and only a few at a time. Worse, many 'yes/no' questions can be framed by the poly subject in ways that invalidate the answers.

Worse still, if I believe the moon is made of green cheese, I'll pass a poly if I answer 'yes' to 'Is the moon made of green cheese?' IOW, as Bigger says, polys test only what the subject believes - their 'honesty'.

The 'truth' requires understanding nuances - and 'understand' does not mean 'accept'. Nuances can be the distinguishing factor between good candidate for R and poor candidate for R. If someone is a poor candidate for R, filing for D is probably more useful than doing a poly.

Finally, the web is filled with info on distinguishing truth from fiction and techniques for interrogating someone. If you use those techniques, you'll probably gather more data than any poly will get you. Human beings, IMO, are better lie detectors than any machine in existence is.

By all means, a poly is a great idea if a yes or a no will be the deciding factor between D & R. But a general reco to do a poly probably won't help.

Now, suggesting a poly may help make a decision if the WS keeps refusing to do one. In that case, though, the actual poly probably won't help. I'm OK if the WS says they'd be humiliated or feel like a criminal if they took the poly, because IMO those thoughts are not inappropriate. But a WS who keeps refusing is hiding something that shouldn't be hidden.

JMO.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:48 PM, Monday, September 16th]

In my humble opinion polygraph does not build the grounds to anybody's future. If it were an infallible tool, it would be used worldwide and any time the need of the truth occurs. Instead it is not a reliable tool and therefore its outcome cannot be taken 100% as true.

At the end of the day I am CONVINCED that as much as natural curiosity is normal, the details of an affair are irrelevant. What does really count? What count is that the human being whom I trusted and who had made vows to always be faithful and respectful to me was instead able to lie to me, both in person and in writing, to his children, to put himself first selfishly, to deceive me, to organise his outrageous business trips with his mistress making himself look like a hero who was going away from home so that we could all have a better life, as if he was sacrificing himself when I was exhausted, dealing alone with our adolescent children alone, working my socks off, being harassed at work and if I dared complain, I was told by him I was overreacting. If he slept with her 150 times or 198 times what is the difference? If he was going running with her when I thought he was going alone is HIS problem with his conscience. He had a double life so if he was going running, sleeping having dinner or for a walk what does it matter? The thing that does matter is that he was a disgusting liar because he chose a double life. Yes, he did bring a lot of money home, yes, he was able to advance in his career path, he luckily never took a day off for that POS FB and most expenses were paid by the company (hotels, flights, dinners in luxurious restaurants). There have been very few presents bought for the POS FB but he still spent a lot of energy to engage in his double life and that was VILE, inexcusable and WRONG! And this is all that matters.

What counts now? What really counts is that he is able to be a different person, ashamed of his past, willing to do what it takes to spend time with me and our grown up children as much as we can and try to create new happy memories that will never erase his murky past and our "stained" matrimony but can now help us all move on with him and see a different and much better life.

I don't regret NOT ASKING him to take a polygraph. Everyone is different. If you feel the need to, go ahead but please do ask yourself why despite the modern technology it is not universally used as proof of the truth.

I never did a poly either. I though about what I would ask and realized I had the answers I wanted already.

I did have a paternity test done. Both kids are mine. It helped restore "some" trust.

We had a few MC sessions. I almost ended them as soon as I heard the unmet needs thing. When he started recommending wayward apologist books. . .I was done. IC was much more benefical.

My position is if I have to get a polygraph test done, the marriage is over.

If he can’t or won’t answer honestly and if I can’t believe him on any level, there is nothing left and no hope for the marriage.

When my H was begging me to R after dday2 the only thing I did was demand a post nup.