CarolinaGrace ( new member #80480) posted at 4:28 PM on Friday, October 18th, 2024
"Gently, there's no magic. I know that's hard for you to believe, but believing you can heal - with or without your WS - is the first step in healing. You deserve better, and you can almost certainly get it, but you have to take action on your own behalf."
Sisoon, on the contrary, I am not delusional about my situation and the future. Not everything people say on here needs to be taken so literally. I am not sitting around waiting for someone to wave a magic wand and make it all go away. We're all pretty realistic about out situations but the path to R or D looks different for everyone as well as the length of time it takes each individual to get to a point of feeling good about R or making the decision to end the marriage.
Not friends, not enemies. Just strangers with memories.
survrus ( member #67698) posted at 11:47 PM on Friday, October 18th, 2024
FC,
Did You get tested for STDs if you have one and you didn't cheat it's strong evidence
3 years is a long affair to believe there wasn't some kind of intimate contact.
An impotent man can perform oral on a woman. Perhaps your WW believes only intercourse is sex?
Did you expose OM to his W or SO, did you confront him and get his side of the story?
Write out a list of possible sexual acts kissing, touching, etc, etc and have your WW write down Yes or No then take her for a polygraph with a less unwilling professional.
What were the polygraph questions when she went?
crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 5:21 PM on Tuesday, October 22nd, 2024
I don't think a marriage that has been broken and violated with such brutality can be restored and provide the stability, security, love and nurture we need to thrive together.
This is my own belief 100%. A WS would have to be completely remorseful and move mountains to make things better. Some situations are so brutal no matter how remorseful the WS is it is too hard to overcome and R.
fBS/fWS(me):51 Mad-hattered after DD (2008)
XWS:53 Serial Cheater, Diagnosed NPD
DD(21) DS(18)
XWS cheated the entire M spanning 19 years
Discovered D-Days 2006,2008,2012, False R 2014
Divorced 8/8/24
AintDatSpecial ( member #83560) posted at 7:58 PM on Tuesday, October 22nd, 2024
I am a firm believer that you can’t heal if you’re still living in the trauma. If the WS is still lying to protect the affair in any way, they are continuing to traumatize you. When my WH first admitted the affair, he lied about some details for a while. They weren’t the major details (did a polygraph early on for those) but they were indeed lies. I knew that something was off and I could not rest or begin to heal. The TT came out about two months after d-day and then his whole life of lies came out- stuff he had done or had happened to him before he met me. He had a complete mental breakdown and literally could not lie anymore. I feel terrible saying that seeing that helped me heal, but it did. I guess I needed to know that his lies hurt him too and they were killing him. He lost 20 lbs rapidly during this time. He went from seeming like the fun, carefree guy to extreme anxiety and OCD-like tendencies. If he had continued to lie, I don’t think I ever would have felt safe. How can you heal when you don’t have your basic needs met, including safety?
I agree with others that a second polygraph without warning may help. I’m sorry you are suffering.
Me- BW/ Him- WH, both early 40s/ D-day June 2023/ working on healing me
1994 ( member #82615) posted at 6:06 AM on Sunday, November 10th, 2024
@FenceCowboy
Any progress?
