SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

If Iies and infidelity were truly dealbreakers for you from D-Day, yet you kept weighing the pros and cons of giving the WS time to make amends - as they swore they wanted to do, even while you refused to "condone" the adultery and withdrew to IHS limbo - but for reasons of compassion, convenience or any other reason, you watched to see what they would do to fix what they broke and they never looked inside themselves nor stopped withholding important information from you (like where money is spent)...we would have something in common!

I just cannot believe anyone else here (besides me) burned up 22 years never seeing their WS "doing the work" on themselves or the "M," but their WS also never complained about the imposed IHS that actually sucks. Huge mistake to distance incrementally. I am so tired. I feel old and really am old now, so buried under mountains of stuff, getting rather hopeless after I made a strong post nup 10 years ago that he agreed to because he didn't want to be "Divorced," so since then, I own this place and WS has been "rooming" like a family member with no place else to go. In exchange for him deeding me this place, I deeded him my old house. Years later, after he refused to move into it, he and I fixed it up and he sold it for top dollar in 2020. By now, he has spent much of his proceeds on trucks and who knows what else; none of my concern. He has it pretty good here, other than zero intimacy, physical or almost any other kind of true sharing or openness, and this set-up seems to suit him just fine. It sucks for me.

Yesterday, I just got told I have a potentially fatal cardiac problem and today, WS dumps the news that he has been pulling out of his remaining savings to pay bills. How kind and considerate. I only learned this when I saw 3 overdraft emails from our only joint bank account. That has always been how I have discovered his problems. He hides things like that until I get a sense there is a problem, or I get hit with a piece of paper informing me. Deja Vu, triggers I didn't need right now. (I knew his cash flow has been slower this year, yet he elected not to tell me about this. Like he thinks as since I never use the account, it isn't my business. The 3 charges were due to a small monthly charge for his dental care that came in every day for 3 days.) It's just a microcosm of the withholding lies he has never learned are poisonous to trust building.

Then today, he tells me how he is starting to lose his motivation to hustle the jobs he has! (He could retire on full SS benefits in 2 months from now, but he is too proud to plan to retire, he'd rather spend down his savings to keep the appearance of the successful business, even though he is using my barn and shop to run his business with - for FREE. I think he thinks when his savings are gone, I will be guilted into letting him stay in the spare bedroom indefinitely!) Sigh...I don't even want to deal with his b.s. at this point, I need to take care of my own life! Maybe he plans to hang out here until I die; how sweet it will be, he could replace me with a newer model and everybody would be happy for him.

At my age, these aren't wild and crazy speculations....there are no children or other family to leave this place to. I wanted to stay here, but not living with him like this!

OK I guess there is little anybody can gain from this gloomy post, except "don't let your story end like this." I am just asking the universe if anybody whose life was as deeply sunk into Limbo Land as mine is, ever managed to finally get their WS out of their life? If so, how did you do it, gently and gradually - or drastically and painfully? I'm not up for another major upheaval in a lifetime of bombs going off. I could put on my bitch boots and have him served eviction papers. Does it have to go like that?

Thanks for reading and please tell if you can relate!

I'm so sorry to see this.
Life is far too short to live like this. I'm sure gett9ng whatever this diagnosis is is making you reevaluate everything.

Please do your research on treatments for your condition. PM me if you want some hints on how and where to start.

((((And Strength)))))

Superesse,
what a shame that he has just not grown up at all.
And I am sending tons of positive mojo regarding your health. Lean into the "potential" bit.

I have no experience or advice, except to remind you that you get just one precious life to live. Whatever happens, focus on YOU.

(Hugs!)

I can't relate, but ....

You're perceptive and insightful, Superesse. About others. Why not apply your insight to yourself?

Most people think 60 is old, but you're still young to some people. Your mind seems pretty sharp.

I hate to say this, because I hope my W doesn't apply it to her sitch, but of married old men, married old women, D'ed or never M old men, and D'ed or never M old women, D'ed or never M old women are happiest. What are you getting from staying in your M? Is that healthy?

I'm really sorry about your diagnosis. I hope you can manage it and live well and with joy. Sending mojo.

Why not D and sell your house and let your H take care of his own housing and office/workshop? Or just accept that you're carrying him for your own reasons?

[This message edited by SI Staff at 7:06 PM, Monday, October 21st]

My situation was not like yours either, and I too am sorry that you are facing a health diagnosis.

But… stress can often be devastating when combined with or even lead to greater health concerns. How is he actually adding to your quality of life? What is he doing to make things easier for you? Sounds like virtually nothing to me.

It sounds like you are financially, emotionally, and physically on your own.

I think I would rid yourself of the albatross, put your mask on first, etc. and take care of you. Are there friends, church community, neighbors that can assist? Obviously you cannot depend on him.

I stayed for way too long post dd1. I am embarrassed to admit but decades too long…

I gave exwh way too much grace and did not protect myself or leave at the first hint of dd2. And I am deeply ashamed of the way I allowed him to disrespect me and suck the life out of me. I had severe health issues that I believe were exacerbated or even caused by the stress of being with him. Finally I had no choice, divorcing my extremely abusive ex. When he had extracted what he wanted from me and I was life-threateningly ill, along came dd2 and his physical abandonment. And financial infidelity. Who knows how many affairs there actually were. Who knows how much $$ he actually funneled off over the years. There were so many lies.

I don’t judge people for staying. Certain types of people I think there is a price to stay and a price to leave them and for me it cost me dearly both ways. Exwh is the kind of man I would not want as a neighbor much less a roommate and worse a husband.

I truly wish you peace and joy and healing whatever choices you make.

I've been in limbo for too long. What am I waiting for? We are also in IHS, after years of realizing we aren't what I thought we were. I want to know everything that happened - full disclosure of his betrayal. He can't - won't tell it I'm just now calmed down after the latest run in with him where he told me that he wanted to talk, then brought the subject up (I never bring it up), then b.s. then nothing. WTF. Why would he bring it up for discussion? So, I just go back to my separate life. My health isn't great and I don't know how much longer I can deal with this. So, I have been going out more and looking for new social experiences.

[This message edited by icangetpastthis at 5:45 AM, Tuesday, October 22nd]

Certain types of people I think there is a price to stay and a price to leave them and for me it cost me dearly both ways.

This was the same for me it cost me either way BUT if I had stayed it would have cost me my physical and mental health. I chose myself in the end.

I stayed about a decade too long. Limbo was absolute hell I don't wish it on anyone.

If you can leave I would leave, even if it is to be alone that is better than the price of staying with them.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 5:27 PM, Tuesday, October 22nd]

I can completely relate to this post, unfortunately!

Having been together for over 30 years and reflecting on our actual history (not re-writing it!), I realised how naive and 'loved up' I was to effectively ignore what I knew was going on - keeping it contact with an EX. Every so often something else would happen, plus the ongoing issues of any relationship but being conflict avoidant styles, it was never resolved!

In reality, I knew what was going on but decided to ignore it initially and when I brought it up later I was accused of having the issues - a big red flag! This went on for years, plus new discoveries and general dissent and gossip / bad mouthing even though I was the provider and kept it all together. After the last D Day, I brewed and thought on it, we did some counselling which was poor and I watched and waited looking for actions not words but the same pattern was still happening but not to my face but behind the scenes - I used advice and research from here, very helpful! Effectively we had a good relationship on the surface / in the shop window but no depth in the background. In the end, I had to call it recently for my own sanity and mental health as I'm well aware of the implications having done a lot of research on the whole infidelity issues.

So my upshot at the moment is: I feel no better at the moment due to the predicament of living alone but I'm out and about, doing some work and generally trying to move forward - I know time is a healer plus doing the work required too! Over the years I've spoken to many people who have been through this and it affects people for life, ie no blind trust / trust and verify etc but maybe if I'd had more experience in life at the start - no going back!! Empathy vs Sympathy, a steep learning curve, discovering oneself, keeping active, good diet and being kind to ourselves - life is a learning lesson, every day and we all need to remember it! The resources and community on this site certainly helped me through some dark times and I really appreciate it - keep up the great work! Thanks

Sat here reading your posts & thinking I am in the same situation. I think what is holding me back from saving myself is the fact WS was so lovely at the beginning of relationship and after 36 years he has changed into someone I don’t know. I am struggling deeply with lack of trust in not just my marriage, also my social scene as alot of them knew and said nothing. Starting again on your own with serious trust issues is terrifying.

'Sat here reading your posts & thinking I am in the same situation. I think what is holding me back from saving myself is the fact WS was so lovely at the beginning of relationship and after 36 years he has changed into someone I don’t know. I am struggling deeply with lack of trust in not just my marriage, also my social scene as alot of them knew and said nothing. Starting again on your own with serious trust issues is terrifying.'

I've read some of your posts Gracey, I know exactly where you are - It's a very difficult position to be in and most people will not understand. It comes down to the old 'empathy vs sympathy' not just from your partner but also your friends - very few can understand unless it has happened to them personally!! I tried for years but things just kept happening behind my back so I took action to find out - as suspected, lots of disrespect and just general poor behaviour in the friends group! I had to change the dynamics as it was affecting my mental health - death by a thousand cuts! Luckily I had a lot of distractions / hobbies and always busy doing things but that didn't resolve the situation!!

You do know the definition of insanity - Doing the same thing again and again but expecting a different outcome!!

[This message edited by EyesOpened50 at 12:02 PM, Saturday, October 26th]