SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It has been nearly 8 years and I just can’t get over it. I don’t think there is a day that goes by when I don’t think about what he did. Some days are easier than others and on the whole I live my life but it is always there. I think a lot of the problem is the lack of effort he put in to himself following the A. Lots of circumstances and factors became bigger than the A and I codependently put his needs before mine. Admittedly he did have a lot to deal with as his family turned against him and his sister died and it seemed to take over. I think because his family made it clear their dislike for me and their wish that we had split up after the A happened it made me more determined to make it work and put on a front that all was good in our relationship and I think he believed this too. He is completely avoidant and will do as little as possible when it comes to feelings and emotions. He is so deeply in his shame if I ever bring something up that triggers him he becomes mute. He offers nothing. He may say something if it is going to cause him stress for instance having to go explain why I don’t attend a gathering, he would rather I go and push my feelings down than he be honest and face the shame of my reasons.
I have told him how I feel, I have told him I feel like I put myself on the back burner to support him and his needs and now he has reconciled with his family my feelings are coming up thick and fast. I went back in to therapy to try and get over it but the anger and resentment that I have towards the lack of effort he is putting in is highlighted when I work on myself. He has said he will get some help but I just don’t know if it’s too late. I just don’t know what to do.

Positive, I just want to tell you that I understand you completely.

Sadly, I have no advice to give.

Sending safe hugs and healing thoughts/ vibes.

[This message edited by Dorothy123 at 6:52 PM, Monday, October 21st]

Dorothy123

Thank you so much, having a place to bring this really helps ❤️

I think because his family made it clear their dislike for me and their wish that we had split up after the A happened it made me more determined to make it work and put on a front that all was good in our relationship and I think he believed this too.

As someone who suffered from in-laws from Hell, I completely understand this mindset. You don't want to let his family "win."

But consider the fact that your in-laws might be right... not about you as a person, but you as a partner for their son.

Just as a gem doesn't belong in a trash heap, you don't belong with him and his family.

The sooner you get out-- and rid yourself of toxicity-- the sooner your actual healing will start.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 7:59 PM, Monday, October 21st]

Thank you Bluerthanblue,

I have for many years wondered if the problems/hurdles/difficulties are in fact signs that I keep on ignoring.
I’m not sure what keeps me here, maybe the codependency of his feelings, maybe the hassle of splitting up, maybe the fear of being alone, I haven’t yet worked it out.
One thing I know for sure is that the pain of staying is getting very close to being bigger than the pain of leaving.

One thing I know for sure is that the pain of staying is getting very close to being bigger than the pain of leaving.

That's exactly when I knew my M was over and left YEARS after final D-Day.

The pain of leaving will eventually fade and every day you will become a little less sad and a bit happier.

Is he actively trying to find a therapist or just telling you he will get into therapy to placate you all the while knowing he has no intention of going?

8 years and no resolution is very telling and from what you have said he hasn't done his part to help reconcile. Maybe it's time for you to take steps to find your happiness without him.

I’m not sure how to reply to individual peoples reply’s or how to put little quotes in boxes so please excuse me for that.

Thank you crazyblindsided and WB1340 your responses are very helpful.

I saw something last night on a show I was watching and they said "if you are hoping and holding on to what he may become then you are wasting your time, hold on to what he is now" that hid hard as I am holding on to him finding a therapist/life coach, holding on to him doing the work, holding on to him reading a book or listening to a podcast, holding on to him being different to who he has shown me he is.

I feel like I am in such a difficult place as I feel so alone in my feelings but unable to take a step to making it different. I refrain from conversations with him, not through fear but frustration as he will offer me nothing.

8 years of rugsweeping and white knuckling. That sounds awful.

Obviously it would have been better to address the A and do the work more directly in the aftermath. Soon you'll let go of the outcome (you are almost there) and only then will he (maybe) do the work.

Unfortunately I found out from an anonymous source (still remains anonymous) about the A 23 hours before our wedding!!!! We were at our wedding venue together preparing for the next day!!! The OW was his sisters best friend and his sister was dying of cancer and told me to my face that she would rather have her friend in her life than me. All his family, literally every single member, took his sisters side and cut us out. His family are very insular and do everything together so this was a massive loss for him. So what happened very quickly became about him and his loss and how terrible his family were behaving as they continued to be spiteful and vile and accused me of being a controlling bitch forcing him to choose me. His sister died 2 years later so then it became about his grief. Last year we reconciled with his family and I thought I was ok with it but some family members still have the OW as a social media friend which I am struggling with. My H has fallen straight back in to his family where he left off which again shows me his lack of growth and makes me feel that all the years he was away and telling me how he would never behave how he used to around his family was all talk to keep himself safe. I wish I had the courage to make a decision either way, leave or move on, but I just seem to be stuck in it and it’s so hard.

I’m currently sitting at just over 5 years myself since my wife cheated on me (with her hs boyfriend.) We were 50 years old w3 kids and a 24 year, 281 day marriage at the time. I caught her red handed thru 4129 emails+ texts but decided to try to work things out because I love(d) her & because of the kids. Two are out of the house now and the third will be leaving for college after next school year. Our journey to recovery has been riddled w her hesitation & utter Reluctance to help me. We did counselling for a while but she won’t go back now and doesn’t even want to discuss our relationship unless I force the issue. Basically, I just want you to know that You are not alone& I feel your continued agonising pain … as I sit here in the middle of the night using this website.
-BrokenBewildered

.I went back in to therapy to try and get over it but the anger and resentment that I have towards the lack of effort he is putting in is highlighted when I work on myself.

Tell us more about this. Are you still in therapy now? Have you considered changing your goals in therapy?

The reason I say that is that it’s difficult to talk one’s self out of anger and resentment towards someone when they never stopped actively hurting us. I know it’s been 8 years but he has expected you to just deal with it. He hasn’t done anything for a lasting repair, and frankly without that there is no movement on trust because he hasn’t done anything to make himself a safe partner.

I think personally you are just so drained from trying to tie yourself into a pretzel that you just do not have the strength to keep fighting or leave. Has your therapy moved into a direction of realizing there is nothing wrong with you in not being able to resolve this resentment and anger because reconciling takes determined work from both people?

What are you getting out of staying in this relationship? That is not a chastising remark. I am asking you that because often times when you write that out (and you can do that privately but be honest with yourself) what ends up happening is you can see what you can put down is so flimsy. Or I can be wrong and you get a lot of things from the relationship, but I don’t know what when the foundational parts have not been repaired.

In my mind, it sounds like he is still a wayward spouse who has maybe just managed not to cheat again, but the problem is I think when the work hasn’t been done it’s only a matter of time before you find they have betrayed you again. Maybe this time it’s not another woman (or maybe it is) I think bringing his family back into the picture is in itself a betrayal that has ripped any healing you have done apart. Reality is he may never want to cut off his family forever, and while that’s understandable in one way, I am not sure your relationship can withstand it. Because as soon as they are comfortable enough they are going to do every thing they can to drive a wedge because they see you as the problem which is freaking ridiculous.

Focus on you, what you need. There is a great article in the resource library about the 180, it’s an intro to detachment. I think often a betrayed spouse needs to learn to detach from their wayward in order to gain better clarity.

[This message edited by hikingout at 8:03 AM, Friday, November 1st]

BrokenBewildered,
Thank you for your reply, it sounds like you are going through it too, I’m grateful for your reply and am sending my thoughts, those middle of the nights are tough, it all seems so much worse doesn’t it.

Hikingout,
Thank you, everything you have written has helped, I took no offence to anything you wrote, I welcome it.
I haven’t written my reasons for staying but I certainly have thought about them repeatedly and I can’t find any that aren’t for practical or codependency reasons. So definitely not good enough.
I have stopped therapy as we can’t afford for both of us to do it so we decided it was better he did but that was four weeks ago and he is still yet to start.
A few days ago I found a journal from three years ago full of all the things I am feeling and saying to him now. I actually annoy myself that I allow this to go on.
I can already see the difference it is making his family being back in his life so you are right it probably is only a matter of time before they try and come between us but I don’t care.
I do feel that I don’t have the strength to fight or leave, I just want this to be different but can’t muster the strength to do it.
I will read the article you suggested, thank you.
I am grateful to have this space.

You have come to the right place. There is no shame in not having energy. It takes a lot of energy criticizing yourself when you have only done what you have thought was best. It is positive that you see that you may want to change your course. Keep posting it helps to write and sort through your thoughts and it may eventually energize you. There are lots of people here who have been in limbo at one time or another.

Take care of yourself first. Put your oxygen mask first. I agree with what thisisfine wrote.

Simply making it through the discovery of infidelity and even possibly working through the issues that brings to a marriage is no guarantee that the marriage will last forever.
But then... based solely on what you share here it doesn’t really sound like the two of you dealt with the issues that infidelity brought to the marriage. It sounds like you two focused on his issues with his family and the passing of his siter, maybe allowing him thereby not to deal with you and the marriage about his affair.

See my tagline? I truly believe it. I think that if you are unhappy then the key issue keeping you unhappy is your decision to remain where you are unhappy...
Unfortunately, I don’t have a magic cure. But I would suggest the following: If you are not happy where you are then move to somewhere that at the very least might make it easier to get to happiness.
Research your options and lay them down. Like... you mention therapy. What is it you hope to get out of that? YOUR therapy won’t change HIM, and therefore not the marriage. It might make you more assertive to demand change, but an unhealed HIM...

Maybe your option could to demand MC where he agrees to change and some work, or divorce. For you to better evaluate divorce, then research it. What does it mean in your state. What can you expect. What is the process. The timeline. I have a feeling that once you know what you are dealing with then it can either make you more committed to attempting true reconciliation, or more in acceptance that maybe this marriage is over.

You aren’t alone. It’s been 13 years for me. I stayed because of sons. But that was a mistake.

I placed too much importance on they being great young men. Doing well in school. But they are who they are and my disappointment and frustration damaged our relationship.

It would have been better as a divorced family I think. I wouldn’t have placed so much importance on their academic and social achievements.

I lost so many years to this.

Unfortunately I found out from an anonymous source (still remains anonymous) about the A 23 hours before our wedding!!!! We were at our wedding venue together preparing for the next day!!! The OW was his sisters best friend and his sister was dying of cancer and told me to my face that she would rather have her friend in her life than me. All his family, literally every single member, took his sisters side and cut us out. His family are very insular and do everything together so this was a massive loss for him. So what happened very quickly became about him and his loss and how terrible his family were behaving as they continued to be spiteful and vile and accused me of being a controlling bitch forcing him to choose me. His sister died 2 years later so then it became about his grief. Last year we reconciled with his family and I thought I was ok with it but some family members still have the OW as a social media friend which I am struggling with. My H has fallen straight back in to his family where he left off which again shows me his lack of growth and makes me feel that all the years he was away and telling me how he would never behave how he used to around his family was all talk to keep himself safe. I wish I had the courage to make a decision either way, leave or move on, but I just seem to be stuck in it and it’s so hard.

A litany of reasons to move on from the train-wreck that is your relationship to hubby & his family.

Life can be really tough - so?

Sometimes your choice evolve to "Bad" and "Worse than Bad" -

Staying is which choice?

Thank you all for your honest, open and heartfelt reply’s. Everything everyone writes gives me so much. I feel your positive energy making me stronger.

I would say that probably 75% of the time we spend together is ok, we are good friends, we laugh and we get on well. While this is comfortable to live in it’s so confusing as it is what makes it so hard to leave. But while we get on and are good friends, that is all we are, there is no intimacy, both physical or emotional, what he can’t give me emotionally I don’t want to give him physically, I have zero need or desire and this is the biggest problem.

Positive mind, do either you or your husband have kids?