SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello,

In January of this year I found out my husband had been having an affair with his colleague. They first met in September 2022 and it sounds like it started not long after, so around 16 months the affair lasted. I was 5 months pregnant (we were actively trying for this baby) when I found out about the affair and we also have another 2 year old child other. We have been together for 13 years and married for 5. I’m absolutely devastated and my whole life feels like it has been ripped from underneath me. I honestly loved my husband and my life so much I genuinely felt so lucky that I had built a beautiful life with the man of my dreams.
I found out about the affair because it had somehow became a wide spread piece of gossip in my hometown and many many people knew about it and had been telling me what they had heard, I confronted my husband in December 2023 which he denied and gave a reason for the rumour, I believed him (because I honestly trusted him with all my heart) and had his back with the whole situation. Then I had been shown some hard evidence and he finally admitted it in the January, a month later.

I spoke to the affair partner on the phone and she gave me A LOT of information about their relationship, the holidays they had been on, the sex they had, he told her how much he loved her, the future plans they made etc she sent me pictures of them two together and also sent me screenshots of some of the messages he sent to her. Two messages which really stuck in my mind is him telling her that he didn’t want the baby I was pregnant with at the time and another of him telling her she was the best this to have ever happened to him.

I feel so blindsided because to me we were very much still in a loving relationship. We told each other we loved each other all the time, we’re very affectionate, sex life was great, we were trying for our second baby, booked holidays, we’re looking at buying a bigger house and much more. We had some struggles during the period too but I never thought they were struggles that would lead to an affair. However I look back now and see so many signs that I had missed and can’t understand why I never questioned anything!

I’m so devastated that my husband could do this to me and our children I just can’t understand why and how. I’m stuck in a place of my heart wants to stay but my head is telling me to leave. I feel so lost and I’m still stuck in the mindset of "is this really real, has MY husband really done this’. I am struggling with such intrusive thoughts and it is driving me insane how much I think about the two of them together, the conversations they had and what they got up to behind my back.

Sorry for such a long essay! I would love to hear some honest stories of those who stayed after an affair and how they feel now? Do you think about the affair often? Did you manage to move on from it? Do you feel you made the right decision to stay?

Thank you x

Welcome to SI. I’m very sorry you find yourself here but you will receive great support. Most importantly take care of you and your precious children. I am so sorry your WH betrayed you and dropped this trauma on your life. But you will get through this. The people on this forum have experienced the pain you are feeling and can help. Read in the Healing Library here and the pinned threads with great advice for newbies. Take care of your health and exercise. Have you been tested for STDs? If not you should get tested. Please get in to IC if it is available. You need to heal and the stronger you feel in yourself the better.

Always value yourself. Remember that you are the prize. Nothing you did or didn’t do caused him to cheat. I am always outraged when I read of cheating on a pregnant BW. At your most vulnerable time. Your WH cheated because he is broken. His actions were supremely selfish and cruel at a time when you needed support more than ever. What has he done since your DDay? Has he written a No Contact letter? Has he given you complete transparency with his phone and devices? Has he given you a written timeline of his A, and answered all of your questions even if asked over and over? Has he been in IC to address his brokenness and lack of integrity and honor. He must address his issues if you are to find any security in your M. Whatever path you choose R or D, you will get through this. But do not allow him to rugsweep and not address your pain. Good luck.

Hi snowdrop and so sorry you’ve found your way here and having to deal with this shitshow that is infidelity!

You’ll get so much good feedback from others on this forum but thought I’d throw in my 2 cents. Although no kids, me and my partner have been together same length of time so I know how it feels when you’re dealing with a long history of loving someone and thinking they were your person.

My long term partner had an affair for 4 years and I found out last year. To answer some of your questions, we’re still together as I was too broken to end things at the time and then it was a case of being trauma bonded for a long while. Now I feel like I’m starting to come out of the fog and want to make a firm decision to move my life along (although in the land limbo still, I’m undecided if that’s with or without him yet). I can say I have thought about his betrayal every single day for this last year. Perhaps I’d have thought about it less had I committed to reconciling fully, but you’ll see from other posters and other infidelity platforms that you don’t ever forget it. That’s a permanent scar on your relationship now and how I see my partner is forever changed. My body is also in a prolonged state of stress since I found out, weight gain/hair falling out/ anxiety/ insomnia/ very jumpy to loud noises.

You’ll see many people who have reconcilled and stayed together, and many people who have left. The experience of navigating infidelity (as with any life experience) is different for everyone and each person has their own limits, so take what advice or comments you receive that resonates with you but leave what doesn’t.

It’s so early days, you’re not meant to have everything figured out just yet. Focus on yourself, the little ones, confiding in friends or family if you can (those that you trust) and to process the new reality.

Wishing you all the best on your healing journey.

I am so sorry for you. What should be a wonderful time in your life being pregnant has turned into something very different.

I am one of the lucky ones who remained married and it was a good decision. But a big factor is that my H did everything possible to make amends and truly regrets his decision to cheat.

Please don’t do anything until after the baby is born. I say that but if you still feel he is cheating or is blaming you, you may be forced to make decisions immediately.

I had the same situation- my heart wanted to stay but my brain wanted me to D. I struggled for a year. But that’s another story for a different thread.

Get your support team together. Friends, family and doctor(s) if needed. Get some professional counseling if you can. My counselor was amazing and saved my sanity and also helped us R.

I hope this helps you. Take one moment at a time. Don’t think too far ahead. Focus on your kids and soon to be born baby for now.

PS. He may have told the other woman (ow) a bunch of stuff. It’s all part of the fantasy life they create where everything is NOT real and fake. When I told my H he was free to be with the OW - suddenly he’s no longer interested. Yet hours earlier he was D me to be with her.

Snowdrop92, reading your story broke my heart into millions of pieces. I agree with Fareast, cheating on a spouse is bad enough but to cheat on a pregnant partner is despicable. I am so sorry for what you’re going through. I don’t have a whole lot of good advice to give as i am also dealing with a WH and haven’t decided between R and D. It is a tough decision to make and in my case, we don’t have any kids together and i am financially independent one would think it would be easier. But i still struggle every day and change my mind sometimes several times a day. I know it’s ridiculous but it is what it is. and we are 4 years out of DD1, three years out from DD2
What I’ve realized is that i will never look at my husband the same again and that is what i grieve the most. I used to be so proud of him and our relationship. When i look at him now, all i see is the liar, cheater and manipulator, a broken man and i feel pity for him.
With that said, i do feel much better than i did a year ago, two years ago. When my IC told me the pain will subside, i laughed at him. Though it still hurts, some days more than others, i can honestly say I’ve had moments when i could see the light at the end of the tunnel. Never imagined in my wildest dreams i would ever wake up in the morning and feel somewhat human. Never thought i would ever enjoy anything in life again. But i do and i can promise you that you will too. With or without your husband, you will get through this and you will thrive.
Please take your time on making a decision. Please take care of yourself and most importantly, know your value. You are a wonderful, loyal, honest wife, mother of his children. You didn’t do anything to deserve this, not on your worst day did you deserve this.
This is all on him and there was nothing you could’ve done to prevent it from happening. If you decide to stay and try to R, don’t sell yourself short by settling. He should be going above and beyond to regain your trust and a chance at raising your kids together and growing old together. Because that is a privilege, to get that kind of forgiveness and commitment from a betrayed spouse.
My heart goes out to you, i am sending warm wishes and healing thoughts your way. Love yourself to pieces, you deserve it!

Welcome to SI and I'm sorry that you're joining us. There are some pinned posts at the top of the page that we encourage new members to read. Also, there are some with bull's eye icons that are really good. The Healing Library is at the top of the page, and it includes the list of acronyms we use.

Please see your doctor and get tested for STDs/STIs because there are some nasty diseases out there that can turn into cancer and kill you. He has put your life in danger with his reckless and cheating behavior. If you're having trouble eating, at least drink some protein shakes. If you have problems with anxiety, depression or sleeping, talk to your doctor. I'm not sure what meds you can take when you're pregnant, but there are some.

I'm one of the ones who D'd (divorced) because my XWH (wayward ex-husband) wouldn't do the work to become a safe partner.

IC (individual counseling) with a betrayal trauma specialist can be very helpful for you. Mine was so helpful for my situation. Don't do MC (marital counseling) yet. Your M (marriage) didn't cheat - your WH (wayward husband) did. He needs to dig in to his whys and get his stuff together.

You'll find out cheaters lie and then lie some more. They will also rewrite marital history for their own purposes.

Expect your emotions to be all over the place for awhile. We call it the emotional rollercoaster. What you're feeling is normal for this abnormal situation.

Thank you so much for your responses, I have found your kind words very comforting to read.

It’s been 9 months since I found out and baby is now 5 months old. My husband moved out the day it all came out and he moved back in just before the baby was born.

I’m sure everyone says this but honestly I would have never imagined he would be able to do this to me and our family. We had so much love for each other and he was never that kid of man, it’s really hard to believe. He was always so besotted with me and loved me so much. Some of the things he got up to is so disrespectful and the lies he told, it’s all so crazy! I still can’t believe it really. It was all so out of character for him.

He is doing a lot to show me he wants to reconcile. He has taken full responsibility for his actions and is not putting any blame on me or the relationship. He has answered all of my questions honestly (I think) and will talk about it whenever I want. He reassures me when he can see that I feel triggered and is validating me feelings. He has changed his work base so as not to bump into her and he also now shows me his shift patterns and overtime patterns. If he has been anywhere with friends he has also proved by showing me messages etc. he has given me all his passwords and has let me have his phone to look on (I would have never done this previously so it feels ver strange to me). He is also putting in a lot more effort at home with childcare, cooking and cleaning which he didn’t do much of previously. The only thing he hasn’t done is arranged for some counselling however I understand this is difficult timing as we currently have a newborn.

However when he gave me access to his phone one evening about 3 months after finding out I found her number saved in his phone as a different name, it was blocked and there were no messages to read but I did see on his call history that they had been contacting each other. Ge had been telling me that they hadn’t spoke but then admitted they had been speaking when I saw the call history. He told me that this was a final conversation he was having with her to tell her that he is committed to his family and they will no longer be speaking etc. however no I just think he was being so reassuring doing all the right things whilst also speaking to her. Which makes me think wow is he just a very good liar and knows all the right things to do and say?!

I just don’t want to waste time being stuck in limbo not knowing if I want to stay or go. I kind of just want to know the answer so I can move forward with it.

Was there a certain point that you were all light "right okay this is definitely what I want to do" whether it was leave or stay?

I also worry that I don’t know now if our relationship was as good as I thought, I have been with him since I was 17 and not had another partner so I don’t even have anything to compare?!

Thank you again everyone for being so kind. I posted on mumsnet originally and got some very opinionated answers!

Your husband's betrayal is 100 times worse than my wife's. I discovered she was sexting with a 40-year-old married coworker and it had been going on for months and was luck and intuition that led me to figure it out.

You will probably always wonder if you know everything and if he was 100% honest. One tool that is available is a polygraph test. You generate a list of questions for him to answer and then a polygrapher will ask him some of the questions while connected to a polygraph machine.

From what research I've done and from what others on this form have told me you can expect about a 95% accuracy. The purpose of this test is to give him an opportunity to come clean before he meets with the polygrapher. This is where I am at with my wife. I am giving her my list of questions on Sunday and I will explain to her that we can discuss her answers to any of the questions BUT if any of her answers change after she takes the test then our conversation will be very different

I think it was on this forum that people have told me they received parking lot confessions before walking into take the test.

What your husband did is reprehensible and it will take you a long time to feel right again and that is totally normal, just try to remember that there is light at the end of the tunnel and you have the power to decide the future of your relationship, not him.

If you can find a good therapist to work with by yourself it will probably help you greatly and don't be afraid to cycle through several therapists until you find one that you connect with

Everyone on this forum is here to help and support you

I’m so devastated that my husband could do this to me and our children I just can’t understand why and how. I’m stuck in a place of my heart wants to stay but my head is telling me to leave. I feel so lost and I’m still stuck in the mindset of "is this really real, has MY husband really done this’. I am struggling with such intrusive thoughts and it is driving me insane how much I think about the two of them together, the conversations they had and what they got up to behind my back.

Gently, your seem to be pretty normal. The continued contact and lies about it were injuries on top of injuries, and they slow up healing.

Right now, your head and heart don't agree. My reco is to monitor the flow of your thoughts and feelings but not try to control it. Think about what you want your M to be. Talk with your H about what you want. Find out if he's on board with you. Listen to your gut, and if he says something you don't believe, call him on it. Being yourself and asking for what you want should give you some guidance about how good a candidate for R he is.

We often say, 'Give up trying to control the outcome.' Make healing your goal. You heal you. Your H heals himself. Let D/R follow from your healing. If you're a good fit for each other, great - go for R. If you're not a good fit, great - go for D and be the best co-parents you can be.

Being yourself and communicating with your H will almost definitely get your head and heart to align.

Remember that As occur in good Ms as well as in bad and mediocre ones.

I’m glad things are a bit better.

My two concerns - he lied about still being in contact. 🚩. I don’t care WHAT they discussed, he lied.

Second he’s not running to counseling. He’s too busy. Yup typical cheater move. If he really was DOING EVERYTHING then that would include counseling. Most cheaters are SOOOOOO afraid of counseling. Not sure why.

The betrayed goes to counseling. Many cheaters do not.

I hope he’s not the type of cheater who makes an effort for a few months to get out of the doghouse and then goes back to their pre-Dday behavior. Please give it time to see if he’s really committed to making changes.

Also the mi Ute he starts pushing back on boundaries or things you both agreed to, IMO that is another red flag.

I hope this helps you.

So very sorry....heart hurts for you. There can definitely be reconciliation, but he needs to truly be broken in heart to see the damage and injustice he has done. Please read the Betrayal Bind book. It will help you. Also, there is another website "Affair Recovery" which has great video resources. They also offer courses. Also, draw near to God, He can help you navigate this properly. In my experience, it would have been impossible without Him. Bless you.🙏

Sorry for such a long essay! I would love to hear some honest stories of those who stayed after an affair and how they feel now? Do you think about the affair often? Did you manage to move on from it? Do you feel you made the right decision to stay?

I'm so sorry to hear about what you're going through. I'll try to answer your questions briefly; of course, every situation is different, so what I tell you might not be helpful - and I won't tell you too much detail, because this is about you, not me.

My wife started an affair with a co-worker in 2009, I discovered it on New Year's Eve and thought it ended then; it actually continued, and I discovered it again in June 2010, by which time the affair had ended.

We went straight back to normal ("rug-swept", they call it here). Only now am I beginning counselling, and talking to my wife about the impact of her affair. I think she's struggling to understand the effect it had on me (devastating, several episodes of depression a year.) Also, she's forgotten (or so she claims) fairly major aspects of the affair, which makes discussing it more difficult. Our physical intimacy is poor, and I think that's due to her low sex-drive, and our poor communication, but there is a glimmer of hope on that front.

My wife tells me often (and always has done) how much she loves me - which I don't doubt. I also have a deep love for her. Where I am now, I'm pretty sure we should have had at least a trial separation in 2010, and I'm on the fence about whether staying together has been the right thing to do, given the amount of pain the affair has caused me over the last decade and a half.

So that's where I am now. Perhaps what you can take from my contribution is the risk of not confronting reality right now. I wish you all the very best.

T/J - Eric, Have you considered starting your own thread to get support for you?

My W's A was in 2010. I thought I'd never forget that period and those events. Now I have to dig deep into memory to remember the date the PA started. I'm not sure where her timeline is - it's someplace in my Documents folder or a sub-folder, but I'm no longer sure where it is. My memory is still pretty good in general, but it makes sense to me that a lot of detail will be forgotten in 15 years. Your W may be withholding, but she may have genuinely forgotten some facts, even though they're important to you.

End T/J

There are posters who have reconciled and some who have not. This forum was set up by a couple that was wrecked by her affair and managed to not only stay together but run this site for people just like you. It is designed so that with the support of many people you can make the best possible decision. That decision will probably come to you over many months or years. He might make one that leaves you out.
I hope you read 1stwife’s info. Her husband cheated twice. The second time she was done but his ability to recognize what he was doing saved their marriage. What she did what take charge of her own life. Others will tell you that trying their best did not make the marriage worth saving.
You will find many, many opinions. The wisdom is to take from them what you need and leave the rest.
My go to advice is always to take care of your health. It is the most important thing you can do because you are a parent. You can’t fall apart.
If you need sleep see a dr about short term meds.
Same thing about anxiety.
If you think he is still at it see an attorney. This is in case you feel the need to make a decision.
Find someone you can talk to and cry with. A strong support system always helps.
Stay on this site. You can’t find better advice anywhere.

My WH had a workplace A - he said and did most of the "right things" but I found something almost identical to you:

However when he gave me access to his phone one evening about 3 months after finding out I found her number saved in his phone as a different name, it was blocked and there were no messages to read but I did see on his call history that they had been contacting each other. Ge had been telling me that they hadn’t spoke but then admitted they had been speaking when I saw the call history. He told me that this was a final conversation he was having with her to tell her that he is committed to his family and they will no longer be speaking etc. however no I just think he was being so reassuring doing all the right things whilst also speaking to her. Which makes me think wow is he just a very good liar and knows all the right things to do and say?!

My WH's A never stopped. Your WS's A never stopped. I, like you, was focused on asking "how did all you reconciled people get through this" when in reality that wasn't the right question for me to be asking as I was not in R, but in False-R. I don't have heaps of time today, but the crux of my situation was WH-AP were both married and worked together. AP's husband (OBS) also worked with them. I caught them 10/17. In the months that followed my WH behaved much like yours and it was all a lie. He "blocked" her actual number and she got a burner phone and would talk to him every day on it - he also blocked that number and deleted everything she sent him everyday, so if you were to look at the message history of that blocked number there would not be any. When I caught him again, he again went back to doing most of the right things and the A did indeed end for 3 months, but then he went back again and I caught him quickly and filed for divorce. At that time the A really ended and WH decided to start going to IC in earnest and working on himself to figure out why he did the things he did and how he could have cheated on his own morals in doing it. 5 years later we date. So are we in R? IDK - dating is our form of R. But he is a much-changed person now. Your WS is not.

Recovering from False-R, IMO, is MUCH harder than post affair. The break of trust is 10-fold. To the extent you can read some of the False-R threads on here I would recommend it as it will help you understand better where you are and where you are going if you attempt to R. Is R possible, even after false-R? Of course. But, you will likely find yourself in a far different place mentally than you think you will be.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 7:26 PM, Tuesday, October 29th]

Please re-read the post from ThisIsSoLonely.

I am concerned about the continued contact that your H lied about. 🚩🚩🚩🚩

Hindsight is a gift that affords so many of us the ability to help newly betrayeds like yourself.

The one thing I learned is that the saying "actions speak louder than words" is very true. In your case your H has lied at one of the most important or critical moments in your marriage.

Not a good sign.

Realize affairs are like addictions. The cheaters aren’t really in love, it’s infatuation. They love the ego boost snd fantasy land ice they have created. They don’t really "understand" each other, it’s the lies they tell each other that makes it seem so "real".

I am sorry your immature and selfish husband spoiled the special time of you both becoming parents. He should have wished with all his strength that and he should have dedicated all his energy to you.

But more importantly he shouldn’t have faked to have deleted the number of the Affair partner, that was a second and more painful slap in your face. Very hard to trust a man who does something so bad.

I understand your life is busy because of a baby but you never spoke about couple therapy. I suggest you start a couple therapy ASAP where you can discuss these aspects in more depth and where it is less likely he manipulates you with half answers that he uses to shut you up. He needs to take responsibility for ALL HIS CHOICES, the sentences he wrote to her about not wanting the baby and the hidden phone number. These are worrying aspects that show his immaturity and all the strategies he finds to get what he wants.

The conversation about not wanting the child can be part of a fantasy but the fact that he had an affair during the pregnancy clearly shows he fears his role as a father as the child is seen as an obstacle to his sexuality or macho personality or anyway the realisation there will be manor changes in his life.
I don’t believe what they say to an affair partner but there is something true there. This doesn’t mean in the future he won’t be able to be a good father but he needs to work on the acceptance of his new role. For you it is certainly a smack in the face but you need to dig deep at his whys and decide if that is the kind of partner you need. It is already do hard to be a mum to a baby, let alone to a husband!
I am so sorry you had to find us. Keep us posted on how things go.

I am going to disagree with Fantastic here.

I understand your life is busy because of a baby but you never spoke about couple therapy. I suggest you start a couple therapy ASAP where you can discuss these aspects in more depth and where it is less likely he manipulates you with half answers that he uses to shut you up.

Couples therapy is for later. Your marriage is not the problem here. Your WH's decision to cheat is. Until he addresses that issue - why he did it/what inside of him made that okay - and wants to change himself, couples therapy would be like going to trying to learn to ballroom dancing together but only one of you is listening to the music and paying attention to the instructor while the other person has headphones on listening to a news show and is attempting to buy a bathing suit for their vacation next month with someone other than you on their cell phone. The fact that both of you are in the same room does not mean you have the same agenda.

When my WH and I went to therapy together he was lying - lying to me, to the therapist, and to himself. He was NEVER going to say how he really felt for fear of getting ganged up on or because he did not want to admit to anyone how he really felt. In my WH's case the reality was that he felt like he had been a bad person, but but but, it was not his fault that his friend's wife was his soul-mate....they didn't mean for anything to happen but when it's your soul-mate - I mean what else can you do??? We should all, on some level, feel sorry for HIM - having to break my heart when he didn't want to...I just wasn't his soul-mate anymore. He couldn't help it. If only there were two of him (because I mean, he knew he really was so great). But if he said those things to me and a therapist - I mean, come on...he would never. Instead he would have blamed all these things about our relationship as being the cause (or at least a portion of the cause) for his decision to cheat, absolving himself of any of the real blame. At that stage in the process my WH did not think there was anything wrong with HIM at all - he blamed our relationship and me and the fates for putting his real soul-mate right in front of his face. I swear in his mind they were like star-crossed lovers, destined to be together even though they had to pass almost insurmountable odds to do it. Yeah - whatever. He was never ever going to say any of that (and in fact could not until like 2 years of individual therapy after he decided he and his decision to cheat was at least potentially the problem).

If you go to couples therapy your WS is going to try to dump blame on the BS for the A: "If I weren't so unhappy.... If BS had only paid attention to.... If BS hadn't changed so much..... BS doesn't understand me anymore..... BS has no time for me..... Our marriage as turned into a marriage in name only..... We fight all the time...." Or, blame the fates: I can't help that I am not 'in love' with BS anymore... I didn't plan to fall in love with AP.... I feel so much better when I'm with AP.... AP makes me happy like I haven't felt in years..... It just happened." Blah blah blah. None of which addresses the real issue: WS decision to cheat. Until WS figures out why that happened - what inside of them gave WS permission to go outside the marriage, even knowing they should not have, nothing can progress. Not really.

I struggled with leaving. What if I left and he got all his shit together? When the time came, it was because the pain of staying became greater than the fear of leaving. At that point, it felt like I had no choice, like jumping out of a burning building.

I have found out in life that once you are clear on your options somehow you get rid of fear.

Another thing I have realized is that marriage is a choice. It’s something you decided on, something your husband decided on. You might feel all entwined and in some practical day-to-day trap, but if one or both of you DECIDE you don’t want to be married anymore then you CAN end the marriage. Needs some untwining and it can be complicated, but there are laws and regulations that ensure you leave with a fair conclusion. It’s not as if your two kids "force" you to remain married, or that you and the kids will starve on the streets. Be very clear on that: You CAN decide to end the marriage if it isn’t offering you what you expected of it.

Now – I am NOT telling you to divorce.
But I am telling you to refuse being in a relationship that doesn’t meet your requirements.

I think that if you have these two concepts in mind – That you have options and that you CAN end the marriage – then and only then do you have the power to possibly end the affair.

Basically – You tell your husband that he can be with OW, still work with her (are they still coworkers?), doesn’t have to hide her number or block her or whatever. But not as your husband. That if he wants to keep her in his life he can, only that will require that you change your relationship with him, because if this continues the only inevitable outcome is resentment, disrespect and hate for each other. You two can become great coparents and he can move on with her, allowing you to find happiness elsewhere.
Tell him that if he has any positive emotions to you he simply decides if he wants the marriage or not. You are fine with this being over because it beats the other option of sharing him with his mistress.

If he insists he wants this marriage, then ask him what he’s going to do to prove it.
You mentioned they are colleagues. Still working together? How can he ensure it’s over?
What about the phone and the ongoing communications?
What is he willing to do to prove to you that he wants this marriage?

I suggest you be critical on his actions. It’s not enough that he promises change, he needs to show change and be accountable for some time before you can decide if there is a future here or not.

Your marriage can be saved, but be very clear on what it is you are saving.